(no subject)
I had a pretty nice christmas this year, truly. I have a difficult relationship with my mom a lot of the time, but overall things went smoothly. I got some lovely gifts (earrings, nice lotions, a sweater, kitchen accessories), even a couple of things that I had asked for (a perfume called "Daisy", grey jeans, red lipstick, an iron, a speedlight for my Nikon).
I tried really hard to feel okay with accepting gifts, which is something that is usually really hard for me. My immediate reaction is to reject gifts because I hate having people spend money on me, or because I get anxiety over feeling that I have things I don't "need". I'm trying to deal with that better, a well as learning to just accept things that are nice but not really my taste without feeling like nobody listens to me or getting anxious again over all the money spent. It sounds silly, probably, to other people who would love to have lots of gifts at Christmas, but it is something I struggle with.
I helped make dinner and we drank champagne and watched Rudolph and it was a nice day.
At the end of it all, I find myself sitting back at my own home in bed, feeling near tears and incredibly alone. I wish I was a better daughter and a better person. I can't help feeling like it is almost entirely my own fault that I really have no friends to enjoy christmas with, no one to call, no one to compare gifts with or have boxing day dinner with. I have no plans for new years eve, as usual, but I'd imagine the most important thing is that I am really hoping I can change that as a new years resolution. I need to be more careful in who I hope to befriend, not just thinking that hanging out at the bar means friendship, not trying to be close to people who will walk away if things get too difficult... and more so, I need to figure out what it us about me that drives people away. How can I be a better friend to the people who are good to me, and how can I try harder to seem fun, interesting and worthwhile to new people. I feel like it is always beyond my reach.