Comments | apropos666: (без темы)

apropos666

(Untitled)

May 03, 2005 00:03

To kill time my dad and I went driving in the hills outside of Poccy this afternoon. It was beautiful and, I don't even know how to explain it, except that I was deeply moved. My feelings inspired the following poem. Please critique ( Read more... )

Comments 6

apropos666 May 3 2005, 06:49:20 UTC

Hmmm...
Thinking of changing lines 2 and 3 to:
I want to sink my hands into your black earth
To feel your soul run through my fingers

Or just cutting out line 3. I added that at the last minute and am not sure I like it.

azrael_sama May 3 2005, 14:39:47 UTC

barren has a negative conotation to it... try something more like, open, windswept, or maybe fertile? *shrugs* i like your reply version better as well. *thumbs up*

apropos666 May 3 2005, 16:22:13 UTC

I think I am going to go with isolated.

montana_2004 May 3 2005, 23:50:36 UTC

I like it! Line 12 "Waiting to seize me and smother" Kinda leaves off the thought in a random place. Otherwise not bad girl! :)

apropos666 May 4 2005, 00:00:34 UTC

Think if I combined that line with the next one it would read better?

Waiting to seize me and smother this piece of my soul you have woken

montana_2004 May 4 2005, 21:23:02 UTC

Yes, I like it that way better! It completes the thought!