Just the once: part four
Part four:
(psst, more is up on affnet, this is just for archival purposes)
Cheap therapy...
(or that time when Hakkai and Sanzo had a long talk)
They checked the gambling dens, they checked the hotels, the checked the nearest bordello half a day away, they checked every bar that served women. Then they realised that, for once, either Gojyo or Goku had thought ahead and gone somewhere neither of them would usually go. That meant no women and bad food. Then they remembered the mining town.
When they finally camped out for the evening, still not entirely sure of where their companions had gone but closing in, things got awkward. For a while there was just silence but it wasn’t the comfortable silence they were used to. It seemed to be filled with more silent accusations than usual. Sanzo broke first but that was only because no one could out wait Hakkai. Unfortunately he didn’t take the time to choose the right words.
“So, did you know that Gojyo was an equal opportunity batsman?” Sanzo also, unfortunately, did not keep a leer out of his voice.
Hakkai bristled, “He never brought a man home, if that’s what you’re asking, Sanzo.”
Most people would have left things there. Most would have realised that they were tugging on a very frayed thread of conversation but Sanzo had never been part of any majority.
“We both know he did at least once, you were living together in a one bedroom house.” Sanzo sneered. Because Sanzo, for all his complexity of character, was never more than an idiot when he was angry.
Hakkai’s fists clenched and he reminded himself that Sanzo didn’t know he had hang-ups about sex. He’d only ever told Gojyo everything about Kanan. Hakkai was well aware that he shouldn’t let Sanzo get under skin. Unfortunately he could be very good at it. Hakkai stood up.
“Sanzo-sama, even if I had participated in relations with Gojyo, it wouldn’t change the fact that I had no knowledge of him taking,” Hakkai gritted out, feeling some guilty pleasure, “something you think was yours.”
Hakkai wished then that his mouth were filled with pointy teeth because that would have felt more natural for this sort of confrontation.
Sanzo drew in a deep breath from his cigarette and exhaled a neat plume of smoke, glaring for all he was worth.
“You have no idea Cho Hakkai, no idea at all of how right you are.” Hissed Sanzo. “The only reason Goku isn’t chained to a rock, the only reason he doesn’t obey me like a fucking robot is my generous spirit.”
Hakkai’s lip curled and he wanted to kill something, preferably what was in front of him at that instant.
“You talk about owning but you don’t have a fucking clue what it’s like to have that much power over another human being or whatever the fuck Goku is.” Sanzo was standing as well now and shouting madly, “Goku, fucking Goku gave me all that because somehow he thinks I’m worth it... but what the fuck am I supposed to do with it? He’s not a bauble I can give away when I get bored, the right words from me and I could break him. I can’t even stop him from getting fucked up by one of us. What do you want me do?”
Hakkai blanched because usually he had the moral high ground but now he could feel it slowly slipping away from him. Sanzo gave him raw look and seemed years younger for it.
“I do own him, Hakkai.” He said, voice returning to its normal level. “What the hell am I supposed to do with him?”
Sanzo sat down.
“I don’t know.” Replied Hakkai.
And then he sat down too.
Sanzo glared at the wet earth. “I know Gojyo didn’t really force him.”
Hakkai sighed.
“He made him bleed though. I don’t want to let him get away with that.”
“Maybe it wasn’t entirely Gojyo’s fault.” Hakkai said softly.
Sanzo swallowed, “I know.”
Admitting that cost him.
“Good God, I can’t believe they were doing it on a desk.” Said Hakkai, before taking a swig from the jug of sake they were sharing.
“I never wanted to see Gojyo naked from the waist down, he still had his shirt on. It looked ridiculous.” Muttered Sanzo, nose twisting in distaste.
“I’ll bet he almost shat himself.” Said Hakkai, letting the alcohol invade his vocabulary as much as it was able to, which wasn’t much.
“When I stop being disgusted I’ll laugh about it.” Snorted Sanzo, “He looked like I was about to shoot his balls off.”
Hakkai allowed the pause.
“Which I was, coincidentally.”
“At least I don’t need to explain sex-ed to Goku anymore.” Mused Hakkai.
“No, I kind of had to do part of that.” Said Sanzo wincing.
Hakkai turned to look at him, “What do you mean?”
“He walked in on a monk and an initiate once.” Replied Sanzo, “Before he figured out what the smell meant.”
“I didn’t fucking realise it at first,” Slurred Sanzo, “By the time I did it was too fucking late. He’d already gone postal in front of everyone once and it wasn’t as though I could just give him away. He’d never had to fend for himself, stupid monkey.”
“I understand that.” Said Hakkai.
“Then there was bloody you trying to gouge your eyes out and fucking Gojyo, fucking asshole,” Sanzo said venomously, “Sweet fuck all chance of finding my bloody sutra in the middle of all that.”
“I wish I could get drunk, Sanzo.”
“No you don’t, I’m going to regret this for many, many, many reasons tomorrow and you’ll keep your tongue ‘bout it until you need the leverage.”
Hakkai opened his mouth to retort but, hell, it was completely true.
“Just ‘cause you see right through me, right through everyone don’t mean you see everything ‘kai.”
Hakkai nodded.
“I suppose I’ve allowed myself a few too many conceits in that regard, lately.”
Sanzo was already asleep, propped up against Goku’s sleeping bag.
Hakkai didn’t move him.
“You know, I find it difficult to admit it but I am a little hurt that Gojyo did not see fit to confide in me on this. I had thought that we were the sort of friends that talked to each other about these issues. Perhaps I’m less approachable than I thought I was.” Said Hakkai, pensively.
“Things didn’t go so well when we first became flatmates, you know. I felt like I was overstaying my welcome and he felt as though I was an unknown quantity that lived only to rearrange his house. After I beat up that gang with an umbrella, though, everything seemed to improve quite quickly. He told me about his brother and I told him about my... About my life before. Then we went on this pilgrimage and even though I got to know you and Goku better, suddenly the rainy days were harder to deal with and Gojyo and I weren’t rooming together anymore. There just wasn’t as much time to talk as there was before. I feel as though I’m losing my friend, by increments and I don’t have many friends, Sanzo. They’re a valuable commodity to me.”
“I’m glad you’re asleep, I’d hate to tell you these things while you were awake.”
Sanzo cracked an eyelid.
“Says you, Hakkai.”
Hakkai made sure to smile a little more brightly the next morning, just so Sanzo would know how cranky he was. Sanzo was too busy nursing a hangover to care and too familiar with what Hakkai was like when he was truly angry to be intimidated.
“So, do we know where they are now?” Asked Sanzo, cradling his head in one hand.
“We’ll know where they are by nightfall,” Replied Hakkai, “I hope you feel well enough to resolve your issues with Gojyo diplomatically by then.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Said Sanzo.
Hakkai started Jeep and then put him into gear.
Ten minutes later he chose to hum an annoying song because driving felt too weird without Sanzo getting pissed off in the passenger seat.
“I can’t wait for this to be fucking over.” Growled Sanzo.
(psst, more is up on affnet, this is just for archival purposes)
Cheap therapy...
(or that time when Hakkai and Sanzo had a long talk)
They checked the gambling dens, they checked the hotels, the checked the nearest bordello half a day away, they checked every bar that served women. Then they realised that, for once, either Gojyo or Goku had thought ahead and gone somewhere neither of them would usually go. That meant no women and bad food. Then they remembered the mining town.
When they finally camped out for the evening, still not entirely sure of where their companions had gone but closing in, things got awkward. For a while there was just silence but it wasn’t the comfortable silence they were used to. It seemed to be filled with more silent accusations than usual. Sanzo broke first but that was only because no one could out wait Hakkai. Unfortunately he didn’t take the time to choose the right words.
“So, did you know that Gojyo was an equal opportunity batsman?” Sanzo also, unfortunately, did not keep a leer out of his voice.
Hakkai bristled, “He never brought a man home, if that’s what you’re asking, Sanzo.”
Most people would have left things there. Most would have realised that they were tugging on a very frayed thread of conversation but Sanzo had never been part of any majority.
“We both know he did at least once, you were living together in a one bedroom house.” Sanzo sneered. Because Sanzo, for all his complexity of character, was never more than an idiot when he was angry.
Hakkai’s fists clenched and he reminded himself that Sanzo didn’t know he had hang-ups about sex. He’d only ever told Gojyo everything about Kanan. Hakkai was well aware that he shouldn’t let Sanzo get under skin. Unfortunately he could be very good at it. Hakkai stood up.
“Sanzo-sama, even if I had participated in relations with Gojyo, it wouldn’t change the fact that I had no knowledge of him taking,” Hakkai gritted out, feeling some guilty pleasure, “something you think was yours.”
Hakkai wished then that his mouth were filled with pointy teeth because that would have felt more natural for this sort of confrontation.
Sanzo drew in a deep breath from his cigarette and exhaled a neat plume of smoke, glaring for all he was worth.
“You have no idea Cho Hakkai, no idea at all of how right you are.” Hissed Sanzo. “The only reason Goku isn’t chained to a rock, the only reason he doesn’t obey me like a fucking robot is my generous spirit.”
Hakkai’s lip curled and he wanted to kill something, preferably what was in front of him at that instant.
“You talk about owning but you don’t have a fucking clue what it’s like to have that much power over another human being or whatever the fuck Goku is.” Sanzo was standing as well now and shouting madly, “Goku, fucking Goku gave me all that because somehow he thinks I’m worth it... but what the fuck am I supposed to do with it? He’s not a bauble I can give away when I get bored, the right words from me and I could break him. I can’t even stop him from getting fucked up by one of us. What do you want me do?”
Hakkai blanched because usually he had the moral high ground but now he could feel it slowly slipping away from him. Sanzo gave him raw look and seemed years younger for it.
“I do own him, Hakkai.” He said, voice returning to its normal level. “What the hell am I supposed to do with him?”
Sanzo sat down.
“I don’t know.” Replied Hakkai.
And then he sat down too.
Sanzo glared at the wet earth. “I know Gojyo didn’t really force him.”
Hakkai sighed.
“He made him bleed though. I don’t want to let him get away with that.”
“Maybe it wasn’t entirely Gojyo’s fault.” Hakkai said softly.
Sanzo swallowed, “I know.”
Admitting that cost him.
“Good God, I can’t believe they were doing it on a desk.” Said Hakkai, before taking a swig from the jug of sake they were sharing.
“I never wanted to see Gojyo naked from the waist down, he still had his shirt on. It looked ridiculous.” Muttered Sanzo, nose twisting in distaste.
“I’ll bet he almost shat himself.” Said Hakkai, letting the alcohol invade his vocabulary as much as it was able to, which wasn’t much.
“When I stop being disgusted I’ll laugh about it.” Snorted Sanzo, “He looked like I was about to shoot his balls off.”
Hakkai allowed the pause.
“Which I was, coincidentally.”
“At least I don’t need to explain sex-ed to Goku anymore.” Mused Hakkai.
“No, I kind of had to do part of that.” Said Sanzo wincing.
Hakkai turned to look at him, “What do you mean?”
“He walked in on a monk and an initiate once.” Replied Sanzo, “Before he figured out what the smell meant.”
“I didn’t fucking realise it at first,” Slurred Sanzo, “By the time I did it was too fucking late. He’d already gone postal in front of everyone once and it wasn’t as though I could just give him away. He’d never had to fend for himself, stupid monkey.”
“I understand that.” Said Hakkai.
“Then there was bloody you trying to gouge your eyes out and fucking Gojyo, fucking asshole,” Sanzo said venomously, “Sweet fuck all chance of finding my bloody sutra in the middle of all that.”
“I wish I could get drunk, Sanzo.”
“No you don’t, I’m going to regret this for many, many, many reasons tomorrow and you’ll keep your tongue ‘bout it until you need the leverage.”
Hakkai opened his mouth to retort but, hell, it was completely true.
“Just ‘cause you see right through me, right through everyone don’t mean you see everything ‘kai.”
Hakkai nodded.
“I suppose I’ve allowed myself a few too many conceits in that regard, lately.”
Sanzo was already asleep, propped up against Goku’s sleeping bag.
Hakkai didn’t move him.
“You know, I find it difficult to admit it but I am a little hurt that Gojyo did not see fit to confide in me on this. I had thought that we were the sort of friends that talked to each other about these issues. Perhaps I’m less approachable than I thought I was.” Said Hakkai, pensively.
“Things didn’t go so well when we first became flatmates, you know. I felt like I was overstaying my welcome and he felt as though I was an unknown quantity that lived only to rearrange his house. After I beat up that gang with an umbrella, though, everything seemed to improve quite quickly. He told me about his brother and I told him about my... About my life before. Then we went on this pilgrimage and even though I got to know you and Goku better, suddenly the rainy days were harder to deal with and Gojyo and I weren’t rooming together anymore. There just wasn’t as much time to talk as there was before. I feel as though I’m losing my friend, by increments and I don’t have many friends, Sanzo. They’re a valuable commodity to me.”
“I’m glad you’re asleep, I’d hate to tell you these things while you were awake.”
Sanzo cracked an eyelid.
“Says you, Hakkai.”
Hakkai made sure to smile a little more brightly the next morning, just so Sanzo would know how cranky he was. Sanzo was too busy nursing a hangover to care and too familiar with what Hakkai was like when he was truly angry to be intimidated.
“So, do we know where they are now?” Asked Sanzo, cradling his head in one hand.
“We’ll know where they are by nightfall,” Replied Hakkai, “I hope you feel well enough to resolve your issues with Gojyo diplomatically by then.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Said Sanzo.
Hakkai started Jeep and then put him into gear.
Ten minutes later he chose to hum an annoying song because driving felt too weird without Sanzo getting pissed off in the passenger seat.
“I can’t wait for this to be fucking over.” Growled Sanzo.