I fear nothing!! Screw political correctness!
So Dani had this sex survey in her LJ, and I just couldn't help myself. Granted, I'm not exactly experienced in sex in the literal sense, so every one of my answers shall be that of the mental sense. Be afraid... be very afraid.. of my MIND!! Seriously... stop. Do you really want to be scarred by my insanity?
1. Name a sexual position: Reverse Cowgirl
2. What is your favorite sexual position? Crouching Lotus in Springing Panic
3. What is your favorite time of day to have sex? During Physics lecture - or any lecture in fact
4. How many times a week is ideal to have sex? *Error: Cannot compute number. Outside computational bounds.*
5. How many times do you masturbate per week? *whines* I don't know how to work my vagina!!
6. How many partners have you had? Your mom + 1
7. Name a form of contraceptive: Amputation
8. What is your preferred form of contraceptive? Install a stopcock in the cock.. such a descriptive name for it stops the cock.. literally.
9. How long does foreplay usually last? Such a thing is a myth!
10. How long should foreplay ideally last? Until he's so exhausted that he's given up hope of having an orgasm.
11. What is your biggest turn off? Toe hair
12. What kind of noises do you make during sex? I'm the silent lover.... and silent killer.
13. What kind of noises do you want to hear from your sexual partner? Screaming.. my name. Yes! SCREAM MY NAME BIOTCH!
14. What is the sexiest part of the female body? BOOBS!! But my body.. my shoulders. :-)
15. What is the sexiest part of the male body? Any part that I can grab and hold onto..
16. What is the strangest place you have had/ would have sex? On top of a tree stump, while balancing on one foot.
17. What is your biggest turn on? Nerds.
18. What scent would you like your partner to smell like? CLEAN.
19. How long do you wait to have sex after meeting someone? Till after the STD test.
20. What is fellatio? When you suck the cock!
21. What is cunnilingus? A man who can suck his own cock while singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat. *well.. fuck, I really have no clue - but lingus, something to do with language?*
22. Name a pornographic film: A Night Out In Paris??
23. What topping would you prefer to eat off of your partner? Chicken chow mein... the noodles are a topping, but don't taste right without the scalding hot chicken and sauce.
24. Name a euphemism (alternate name) for a vagina: The non-excrement-releasing orifice
25. Name a euphemism (alternate name) for a penis: Princess Sophia
26. Where on campus have you had sex? In your bed - or the Chem lab table (disinfected with 18M HCl, whoo!!)
27. Where is the naughtiest place that you have had sex? Upside down on the monkey bars with your brother *OOPS!*
28. What is your favorite condom flavor? Flesh
29. Name a condom brand: Lifestyles
30. What kind of condom do you prefer? (i.e. Extra slippery...) Spiked on the inside... so that there is no chance it would "fall off."
31. What age did you lose your virginity? infinity
32. Where did you lose your virginity? In the bathroom of the Speedway down the street, while eating a Snickers bar
33. Name a porn star: Paris Hilton
34. Name an unusual sex act: Having sex.. then decapitating the male, á la praying mantis.
35. Name a strange sexual fetish: Erm... making love to the Barney song... with hand motions.
36. What is your favorite style of lingerie? European lace crotchless panties.
37. What is your favorite color for lingerie? Black
38. What is your favorite sex toy? Tickle Me Elmo
39. Name something found in a sex shop such as Priscillas: Dildonics
40. Name a place to be pierced: Rectum
41. What celebrity would you want to sleep with? Jake Gylenhaal... with Heath Ledger! Gay cowboys + Asian = New Sensation!
42. Name someone you want to sleep with but cannot because of social customs: Lassie??
43. What is Kama Sutra? Not as cracked up as others make it out to be.
44. Name a pick-up line: "Would you like a massage from Asian girl with a happy ending?"
45. What “dirty” thing could you/have you said? "Hey Dick... I just want your stick."
46. Name something that you would NOT want to hear from someone else during sex: Crying... because of any of the following reasons: "It's so beautiful." "The orgasm was too intense." "It hurt." "You love me... you really love me."
47. What is your favorite post-coital activity: Pre-coital activity with your sister.
48. Name something you should never say while in bed: (as a frame of reference... you are not in a serious relationship with any of these people) "Gee, I hope that infection cleared up." "*cries* I am so happy that you chose me to be the future mother of your children." "Was that it? Could you try again? I think I missed it." "Wow!! That's just the way uncle Bobby and I used to do it! (I'm going to hell for that one.)"
49. What is your gender? Today... female. I'm still debating about tomorrow.
*Note: Not for the light of heart or pure. My words may rid you of your maidenhead.*
1. Name a sexual position: Reverse Cowgirl
2. What is your favorite sexual position? Crouching Lotus in Springing Panic
3. What is your favorite time of day to have sex? During Physics lecture - or any lecture in fact
4. How many times a week is ideal to have sex? *Error: Cannot compute number. Outside computational bounds.*
5. How many times do you masturbate per week? *whines* I don't know how to work my vagina!!
6. How many partners have you had? Your mom + 1
7. Name a form of contraceptive: Amputation
8. What is your preferred form of contraceptive? Install a stopcock in the cock.. such a descriptive name for it stops the cock.. literally.
9. How long does foreplay usually last? Such a thing is a myth!
10. How long should foreplay ideally last? Until he's so exhausted that he's given up hope of having an orgasm.
11. What is your biggest turn off? Toe hair
12. What kind of noises do you make during sex? I'm the silent lover.... and silent killer.
13. What kind of noises do you want to hear from your sexual partner? Screaming.. my name. Yes! SCREAM MY NAME BIOTCH!
14. What is the sexiest part of the female body? BOOBS!! But my body.. my shoulders. :-)
15. What is the sexiest part of the male body? Any part that I can grab and hold onto..
16. What is the strangest place you have had/ would have sex? On top of a tree stump, while balancing on one foot.
17. What is your biggest turn on? Nerds.
18. What scent would you like your partner to smell like? CLEAN.
19. How long do you wait to have sex after meeting someone? Till after the STD test.
20. What is fellatio? When you suck the cock!
21. What is cunnilingus? A man who can suck his own cock while singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat. *well.. fuck, I really have no clue - but lingus, something to do with language?*
22. Name a pornographic film: A Night Out In Paris??
23. What topping would you prefer to eat off of your partner? Chicken chow mein... the noodles are a topping, but don't taste right without the scalding hot chicken and sauce.
24. Name a euphemism (alternate name) for a vagina: The non-excrement-releasing orifice
25. Name a euphemism (alternate name) for a penis: Princess Sophia
26. Where on campus have you had sex? In your bed - or the Chem lab table (disinfected with 18M HCl, whoo!!)
27. Where is the naughtiest place that you have had sex? Upside down on the monkey bars with your brother *OOPS!*
28. What is your favorite condom flavor? Flesh
29. Name a condom brand: Lifestyles
30. What kind of condom do you prefer? (i.e. Extra slippery...) Spiked on the inside... so that there is no chance it would "fall off."
31. What age did you lose your virginity? infinity
32. Where did you lose your virginity? In the bathroom of the Speedway down the street, while eating a Snickers bar
33. Name a porn star: Paris Hilton
34. Name an unusual sex act: Having sex.. then decapitating the male, á la praying mantis.
35. Name a strange sexual fetish: Erm... making love to the Barney song... with hand motions.
36. What is your favorite style of lingerie? European lace crotchless panties.
37. What is your favorite color for lingerie? Black
38. What is your favorite sex toy? Tickle Me Elmo
39. Name something found in a sex shop such as Priscillas: Dildonics
40. Name a place to be pierced: Rectum
41. What celebrity would you want to sleep with? Jake Gylenhaal... with Heath Ledger! Gay cowboys + Asian = New Sensation!
42. Name someone you want to sleep with but cannot because of social customs: Lassie??
43. What is Kama Sutra? Not as cracked up as others make it out to be.
44. Name a pick-up line: "Would you like a massage from Asian girl with a happy ending?"
45. What “dirty” thing could you/have you said? "Hey Dick... I just want your stick."
46. Name something that you would NOT want to hear from someone else during sex: Crying... because of any of the following reasons: "It's so beautiful." "The orgasm was too intense." "It hurt." "You love me... you really love me."
47. What is your favorite post-coital activity: Pre-coital activity with your sister.
48. Name something you should never say while in bed: (as a frame of reference... you are not in a serious relationship with any of these people) "Gee, I hope that infection cleared up." "*cries* I am so happy that you chose me to be the future mother of your children." "Was that it? Could you try again? I think I missed it." "Wow!! That's just the way uncle Bobby and I used to do it! (I'm going to hell for that one.)"
49. What is your gender? Today... female. I'm still debating about tomorrow.
*Note: Not for the light of heart or pure. My words may rid you of your maidenhead.*