TFAN, Part 16
Title: The Fight About Nothing
Author: aquariuslover
Pairing: KyuWook
Rating: R
Genre: Friendship, Love
Beta: unicornsinger
Summary: This is a completely fictional tale about the thin line between love and friendship, and how easily that line can become blurred.
TFAN Chapters
Later that night, Kyuhyun was in bed glaring at Sungmin from across the room. The older man was talking on the phone with one of his many female friends. “Some of us need our sleep!” Kyuhyun groused, throwing a pillow across the room and hitting Sungmin in the head with it.
“Some of us should take the sleeping pills the doctor gave us, and then they wouldn’t care if I was on the phone,” Sungmin informed him, picking up the pillow and throwing it back at him.
“I’m not taking any stupid pill to sleep!” Kyuhyun told him, wishing he had his own room for the millionth time.
“Then don’t sleep,” Sungmin told him.
“I won’t,” Kyuhyun told Sungmin as he lay in bed with his arms folded, glaring at the ceiling. Only fifteen minutes of Sungmin talking and giggling on the phone passed before Kyuhyun jumped up out of bed and stormed out of the room, slamming the door as hard as he could behind him.
“Now where to?” Kyuhyun asked himself. He knew that if he didn’t rest and start gaining weight soon, he was going to miss even more group activities when the Super Shows started. He hated sleeping on the couch. He thought about going to sleep with Eunhyuk, but the fear that he might wake up and want to talk kept Kyuhyun out of his room.
He made his way to Yesung’s room, but unfortunately for him, Zhou Mi had made it back tonight and was sleeping in Ryeowook’s old bed. Zhou Mi had spoken all of four words to him when he got home from eating with his family and Ryeowook. He could tell the older man was still not pleased with him. Kyuhyun knew he should apologize, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.
Then there was Yesung, who was sleeping soundly, clutching his turtle pillow. He probably fought with Yesung more than any other member of the group, which was probably totally disrespectful, considering the gap in their ages, but it was never serious. Yesung was very much like a brother to Kyuhyun - an older brother he loved to annoy. Kyuhyun crawled into bed in the space between the wall and Yesung. He willed any thoughts of Ryeowook from his mind, and exhaustion soon caught up with him.
*******************
Ryeowook took a deep breath as he stood outside the dorm he had lived in for so long. He mustered up his courage and punched in the password on the keypad that opened the door. He walked into the dorm to find it quiet, as all its residents were still sleeping. He walked to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and gathered the ingredients he would need. He walked to the rice cooker, hoping that rice had been prepared last night, and sure enough it had; no doubt Sungmin had done it.
He busied himself with preparing breakfast, but the urge to check on Kyuhyun was too strong, and he found himself at the door that led into Sungmin and Kyuhyun’s bedroom. He opened the door and was surprised to only find Sungmin in the room, sleeping.
He then headed for Eunhyuk’s room, but found the other man sleeping upside down in bed alone, with his covers tossed everywhere. Ryeowook wondered what demons Eunhyuk had battled in his sleep. He hoped keeping their secret wasn’t causing the man too much stress.
The door to his old room with Yesung was open, and sure enough, he found Kyuhyun sleeping soundly. Yesung and Kyuhyun were both on their sides, facing away from each other, but somehow Kyuhyun had managed to snag Yesung’s turtle pillow. Ryeowook knew that Yesung would never have given it up if he had been awake. Zhou Mi was in his old bed, sleeping with the covers pulled up over his face, but his bare feet sticking out.
He didn’t know how long he had been standing there in the doorway, watching Kyuhyun sleep, when he felt a finger tap his shoulder. He jumped and turned around to find Sungmin standing behind him with a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth.
“Take a picture; it will last longer,” Sungmin told the man in a garbled voice, as he brushed his teeth.
“I was just checking on them,” Ryeowook told Sungmin as he shut the door to the room so not to awaken them.
“That’s nice of you, isn’t it?” Sungmin said critically as he started to walk off.
Ryeowook moaned slightly; he knew he had to fix this and fix it fast. “Sungmin, I’m sorry.”
“Why would you be sorry?” Sungmin said, walking into the bathroom to rinse out his mouth.
“Because I left you alone to take care of them, and we are supposed to be a team,” Ryeowook said as he followed the older man into the bathroom.
“Oh, I don’t need your help taking care of ‘them’; it’s our little brat that’s the problem. Eunhyuk and Yesung I can handle with my eyes closed. Thank God, Zhou Mi is more like us then them…..but…but Kyuhyun is a nightmare,” Sungmin told Ryeowook as he walked past him out of the bathroom.
“I know he is,” Ryeowook agreed, following Sungmin to the living room.
“I don’t know how you would know anything? You haven’t been around. He has actually lost weight! I know his mother blames me,” Sungmin said as he sat down on the couch, looking very tired for somebody who had just gotten up.
“No, she blames me,” Ryeowook admitted as he sat down beside Sungmin.
“She does?”
“Yes, I spent the whole evening with Kyuhyun’s parents and an Aunt that didn’t like me. I know for a fact that she blames me and nobody else,” Ryeowook confessed to Sungmin as he toyed with the hem of his shift.
“Only because she thinks you are so much better than me. She thinks if you were here, everything would be fine with him,” Sungmin said, refusing to let go of his anger as he slumped back into the couch.
“You are the one who put that idea out there. I know what you told her about him. I don’t blame you, but don’t underestimate your importance. He needs, like, seven keepers, and you’ve been doing it by yourself for how long now?” Ryeowook told Sungmin, feeding his ego. Sungmin’s ego was a fragile thing and needed boosting more than the man would admit.
“That’s true. Nobody else offers to help out with him. The managers don’t bother, Leeteuk is always busy, Heechul is in his own world, Siwon is always making a drama, and the others just play with him,” Sungmin said, suddenly sitting up straighter.
“You have had a lot to deal with. He isn’t easy to handle him on a good day, much less when he is being restricted by his health,” Ryeowook said, eyeing his friend closely and starting to feel relieved.
“True, I’m sorry I ratted on you to Mrs. Cho,” Sungmin told Ryeowook with a sad smile, as some of the tension left his body.
“No, you shouldn’t be. I deserved it. I have been too absorbed in my own misery to see the whole picture. I’m the one who should be sorry.”
Sungmin’s eyes brightened at the mention of misery. “Well, I will totally forgive you if you confess to me about your misery. It’s about love, isn’t it? You can tell me.”
“You promise not to tell a living soul?” Ryeowook asked him as he leaned back into the couch beside his friend.
“My lips are sealed,” Sungmin told him eagerly as he made a motion imitating zipping his lips.
“I am in love, but I shouldn’t be. It’s with somebody I can never have because…I just can’t. What I know and what I feel unfortunately aren’t the same thing,” Ryeowook said sadly as he closed his eyes.
“Is it the person that gave you that?” Sungmin said, pointing to the area on Ryeowook’s neck, which was now healed enough to be easily hidden.
“Yes.”
“The girl you met when you went to visit your grandmother?”
Ryeowook opened his eyes to find Sungmin boring holes into him with his eyes. He tried his best to not actually lie. “Yes, I saw them when I was visiting my grandmother. It was a huge mistake.”
“Why can’t you be with her? Is she married?” Sungmin asked in a scandalized voice.
“Ummm - ”
“Oh dear, she is! What were you thinking? The scandal would be huge. No wonder Kyuhyun is so stressed out,” Sungmin said, standing up, but then he sat back down quickly. “When you first met her, she wasn’t married, right?”
“No,” Ryeowook answered, wondering if Sungmin was angry or delighted with the news.
“Oh, so you knew her before you joined the group…you were like sweethearts in love then. You went off, became successful, and then years later, you two meet up again. Oh, and one thing led to another - ” Sungmin said, with the love of romance clearly shining from his eyes. Ryeowook, who was speechless, just nodded his head in agreement.
“You realized you still loved her, and she felt the same way. This is tragic. Does she have kids?” Sungmin continued, making up his own drama in his head, one starring Ryeowook and some old sweetheart, now married.
“Kids? No,” Ryeowook told his friend, who suddenly looked a hundred times happier with him.
“Well, that’s a plus then, because that would be very, very wrong. It’s so sad, though; you should have told me sooner,” Sungmin said, patting his back. “You needed a friend no doubt, and Kyuhyun doesn’t count, because he hates anybody who gets more of your attention than he does.”
“So true,” Ryeowook couldn’t help but agree. “I would have told you sooner, but I was too ashamed.”
“And you should be, but as long as you know it can’t ever happen again,” Sungmin told him, still patting his back.
“Never again,” Ryeowook agreed.
“It’s a good thing she lives so far away. Distance is the best answer to problems like this,” Sungmin advised. “If she lived nearby, then you would be in trouble.”
“Don’t I know it,” Ryeowook couldn’t help but spit the words out with a bitter laugh.
“Well, you are making the right decision. Sometimes the right thing to do is hard, but it’s got to be done. We must think of the group at times like this.”
“I know, and I - ” Ryeowook, who was still sitting on the couch beside Sungmin, stopped when he saw a very sleepy disheveled Kyuhyun walk into the room.
“Did Yesung kick you out of bed?” Sungmin asked, as he watched Kyuhyun stumble to the couch and plop down beside Ryeowook. In less time than Ryeowook could react, Kyuhyun’s head was in Ryeowook’s lap.
“Good morning to you,” Ryeowook said uncomfortably as he fought the urge to flee. He knew he would have a hard time explaining himself to Sungmin, who he had just made amends with.
“Is he already asleep?” Sungmin asked as he bent over and peered into Kyuhyun’s face. “He is.”
“He is,” Ryeowook agreed as he mentally cursed his right hand that had started rubbing Kyuhyun’s back out of habit.
“I am going to start drugging him,” Sungmin announced to Ryeowook.
Ryeowook did a double take and asked, “I beg your pardon? You can’t give him drugs.”
“Not, drug drugs, but sleeping pills. The doctor gave him some, but he refuses to take them. I am telling you, I am seriously tempted to drug him.”
“He doesn’t look like he had any problem sleeping last night. I mean, he was sound asleep in there with Yesung, and he fell asleep instantly here,” Ryeowook told Sungmin protectively.
“He goes days with getting very little to no sleep; then he crashes. Plus, he nags me for being on the phone. If he was drugged, he would sleep every night and wouldn’t need to crash,” Sungmin said, explaining himself to Ryeowook, who looked disapproving. “Okay, I won’t drug him, but the doctor did order them.”
“I mean… I guess it would be okay if he took them, because the doctor gave them to him,” Ryeowook added on second thought.
“He’s too stubborn to take them,” Sungmin said as he sniffed the air, “Are you cooking something?”
“Yes, it’s just cooking slowly, waiting for them to wake up. All that’s left is the pancakes,” Ryeowook told him as he pulled his hand away from Kyuhyun, trying his best to avoid touching him.
“This is why I love you!” Sungmin said, jumping up and heading to the kitchen to inspect breakfast.
Sungmin had barely left the room when Ryeowook got up from the couch, making the other man mumble, “Yesung, he…farts stink.”
Ryeowook gave Kyuhyun an odd look, then snapped his fingers in front of Kyuhyun’s face, making the other man wake up. “What?” Kyuhyun complained still sleepy. Then his eyes focused in on Ryeowook, and he sat up suddenly. Kyuhyun smiled, looking confused at the man standing in front of him. “What are you doing here?”
“Making breakfast,” Ryeowook told the younger man, whose eyes were still crusted with sleep.
“Pancakes?” Kyuhyun asked, wiping his eyes.
“Yes, but I need you to pay attention to me right now,” Ryeowook ordered as Kyuhyun started pulling on his right ear. “Stop that,” Ryeowook said, grabbing Kyuhyun’s hand.
“It needs popping,” Kyuhyun complained, shaking his head.
“Are you supposed to pop it or stick your fingers in it?” Ryeowook asked, grabbing Kyuhyun’s other hand as he reached for his ear with it.
“No,” Kyuhyun admitted.
“Then don’t, or they are never going to let you fly again,” Ryeowook told him, letting go of his hands.
“Okay,” Kyuhyun agreed, looking a little more awake.
“I made up with Sungmin, but I had to add to the lie,” Ryeowook told Kyuhyun, who suddenly looked more interested.
“What?”
“She was married,” Ryeowook informed him as he sat down on the coffee table in front of Kyuhyun, their knees bumping.
Kyuhyun just laughed. “So you make me lie for you, you smoke too much, and you’re having an affair with a married woman.”
“It’s not funny,” Ryeowook told him, frowning.
“It actually is. By the time you are done lying to hide the truth, the truth might actually be better for your reputation,” Kyuhyun told him, smiling as he reached his hand out for Ryeowook, but pulled back as he saw Ryeowook’s fearful expression.
“No, it won’t be,” Ryeowook told him sadly. “Even if I murdered you, it wouldn’t be as bad to some.”
“Stupid world,” Kyuhyun told him as he smiled sweetly at Ryeowook. He was about to reach out and try to touch Ryeowook again, but stopped himself. “I am going to respect all the rules from now on.”
“Good, but you already broke a rule today,” Ryeowook informed him.
“I did?” Kyuhyun asked confused. After giving it some thought he innocently added, “I was asleep. It shouldn’t count. You can’t control what you dream when you are asleep. Rule four should only count if you are awake.”
Ryeowook blushed. “I was actually talking about rule five.”
“Oh,” Kyuhyun responded, trying to hide a grin, loving the other man’s embarrassment.
“You were basically sleepwalking, so I guess I will let it slide this time. I guess sleeping and sleepwalking will be the exceptions. Although after you ruined your mother’s opinion of me I should - ”
“It worked, though! It was genius; just admit it.”
“Oh, it was genius…..put all the blame on me again. Why do I feel like I am the only one that ever has to pay?” Ryeowook asked as he stood up suddenly.
“You are not the only that has to pay, believe me. I suffer everyday - ”
“Shh - ” Ryeowook ordered, placing his hand gently over Kyuhyun’s mouth, causing the other man to look up. Kyuhyun then noticed that Eunhyuk was standing in the room unnoticed and was watching them both. Ryeowook and Kyuhyun exchanged glances, neither one of them sure of how long the other man had been there.
“Good morning. You two have a bad habit of tuning out the rest of the world when you are together,” Eunhyuk told them looking very serious - way too serious for him.
“I need to go help Sungmin in the kitchen. I think something is burning,” Ryeowook said, giving Kyuhyun a sorrowful look and hurrying off, ignoring Eunhyuk completely.
“Coward - ” Kyuhyun started to get up and chase after him, but stopped when he saw that Eunhyuk wasn’t amused. He walked up to Kyuhyun and took a seat next to him on the couch.
They sat there in silence for a long time. Kyuhyun had never really liked the serious side of Eunhyuk; most people didn’t. Everybody loved the funny, lovable and goofy side…the serious side had very high standards. Kyuhyun was wishing he was anywhere else - anywhere. Finally, Eunhyuk broke the silence. “So what are the rules?”
Kyuhyun turned to Eunhyuk and studied him closely, then just asked, “What do you think, you know?”
“I don’t know what the rules are. I just heard you mention them. I know you two like each other…….a whole lot,” Eunhyuk said as he shifted uncomfortably on the couch.
“That Ryeowook and I like each other a whole lot isn’t exactly a secret,” Kyuhyun said, suddenly defensive.
Eunhyuk looked around nervously and then turned back to Kyuhyun and whispered, “Don’t play with me, Kyuhyun.” Eunhyuk warned, “I know you know that I know you kissed.”
“How do you know this?” Kyuhyun whispered back to the man. The sweetness he had for Ryeowook earlier had suddenly disappeared in the face of Eunhyuk’s questions, and he wasn’t going to admit anything without a fight.
“I was on this couch, and you two were in that chair. I heard you both,” Eunhyuk told Kyuhyun as quietly as possible, so as not to be overheard.
“We thought you were asleep,” Kyuhyun explained. “He was very drunk when he kissed me. Did you hear that part?” Kyuhyun continued, still not at ease. Eunhyuk’s discomfort was easily noticed by Kyuhyun, and it was making him defensive.
“No, I just heard you say something about what if you had kissed him back,” Eunhyuk answered as they sat side by side each other on the couch, with a gap between them that felt a mile wide.
“I didn’t kiss him back. I hit him instead, and that’s what the fight about nothing was about,” Kyuhyun confessed, watching Eunhyuk closely, but the man had turned away from him, avoiding eye contact.
“He kissed you, and you hit him?”
“Yes, I was shocked. I didn’t have time to think.”
Eunhyuk turned to look at Kyuhyun, and he looked terribly guilty when he added, “But you wouldn’t hit him now. Would you?”
Kyuhyun looked away from Eunhyuk, feeling embarrassed. “No, but it can’t ever happen again. That’s what the rules are…they are to help us from never letting it happen again.”
“But it has happened again,” Eunhyuk reminded him, trying to relax his tense shoulders. “He wasn’t with anybody but you when you went to visit his grandmother, was he?”
“That was my fault. Ryeowook did his best to prevent anything like that from happening, but I was too curious, and I pushed him. I wouldn’t listen - ”
“I don’t need details, Kyuhyun,” Eunhyuk interrupted, too sharply, and instantly looked like he regretted it.
“You are the one who brought this up,” Kyuhyun pointed out, hating how uncomfortable it suddenly felt to be around one of his dearest friends.
“I know,” Eunhyuk acknowledged. “It’s just weird.” Eunhyuk continued to fidget in his seat.
“It’s weird for us, too. Nothing happened; Ryeowook stopped us before we went too far - actually, that isn’t totally true. Leeteuk and you are the ones that really stopped us,” Kyuhyun confessed, cursing his eyes that were suddenly feeling wet, due to the other man’s obvious distaste.
“Leeteuk and me? How?” Eunhyuk asked, confused.
“The radio was on and you guys were talking about how important the group was, about our dreams….and we just couldn’t ever risk anything bad happening to Super Junior,” Kyuhyun told him as he patted an eye dry and tried to control the tone of his voice.
“Oh,” Eunhyuk whispered, his expression softening.
“We know how bad it would be. We do. That’s why Ryeowook has avoided me as much as he can, but then he gets all the blame for me not recovering fast enough. I make it worse, because I want him with me. Then there are the rules. He can never drink around me again, we cannot do fan service, we can’t ever sleep together again…and I mean the innocent kind,” Kyuhyun added when he saw the shocked look on Eunhyuk’s face. “We can’t ever think about it, and we can’t even touch,” Kyuhyun said, spilling all his and Ryeowook’s secrets to Eunhyuk quickly and without hesitation.
“No, wonder you aren’t getting any better. That’s a lot to deal with,” Eunhyuk sadly told the other man who suddenly seemed so young. “I have to agree with you, though. I think the rules are for the best,” Eunhyuk said softly as he reached out an arm to wrap around the younger man, but hesitated, suddenly pulling it back.
“You won’t tell anybody, will you?” Kyuhyun asked desperately.
“No. I haven’t said a word. I won’t tell anybody. Even one other person knowing is too much,” Eunhyuk told the younger man. “I think - ” He stopped as Ryeowook walked back into the room.
Kyuhyun turned and stared harshly at Ryeowook, who watched them both carefully before he announced. “Breakfast is almost ready. Kyuhyun, go find Sungmin; he wants to weigh you.”
“So you returned, you traitor?” Kyuhyun accused, glaring at the other man who had left him in a very awkward situation.
Ryeowook just added, “And will you please wake Yesung and Zhou Mi up, too?”
“Okay, but what are you two going to say?” Kyuhyun got up uneasily watching the other two men.
“Go,” Ryeowook ordered. Kyuhyun gave Ryeowook a look saying he would be wanting answers later. He then hurried off to find Sungmin.
Ryeowook walked to the couch and looked at Eunhyuk nervously and sat down beside him. “Hyung, Kyuhyun isn’t gay. He is just confused. I confused him. I will never forgive myself for doing it.”
“Are you positive that’s all it is?” Eunhyuk questioned, not looking at the other man. “You two have always been really close.”
“You are close to Sungmin and Donghae,” Ryeowook pointed out.
“Hey, that’s different,” Eunhyuk proclaimed defensively, turning to look at Ryeowook.
“I know. I just don’t want Kyuhyun to pay for his confusion. The line between love and friendship just got blurred for him, but it won’t last long. He will find something else to distract him, and I will become just a friend again.”
“But you were never just a friend to him,” Eunhyuk admitted. He couldn’t help but feel terrible at the look of misery on Ryeowook’s face.
“Well, that’s what I have to be from now on. I am so sorry that we have shamed you. I wish you never had to know,” Ryeowook told the other man, whose disappointment he could feel.
“I hate that I feel this way. I feel like this awful person, that I should be better….more understanding.”
“You’re not awful. Kyuhyun’s not awful. The fault lies in me, because I can’t help being this way. I don’t know what to do. I guess I could leave - ”
“No,” Eunhyuk said, grabbing Ryeowook’s hand, all his uneasiness gone suddenly at the mention of Ryeowook leaving. “Don’t even think like that. We have had enough members leaving; no more. We can handle this.”
“I hope so. I am going to try acting like everything is normal. Maybe if I do that, he will just fall back into his old routine,” Ryeowook said hopefully.
“I think that’s the best course. This is fire, Ryeowook…dangerous fire. It can burn Super Junior down. These kinda feelings have destroyed other gro….friendships. In the end, our country and its people just can’t accept this. Girls like to think about it, they love the fan service, but the moment something gets too real, suddenly it is poison. It’s just how things are.”
“I know this. I am trying everything possible to stop anything from happening,” Ryeowook said, shaking all over.
“I am going to help from now on,” Eunhyuk promised, his eyes suddenly glassy, and any coldness he had before was gone as he held onto Ryeowook’s trembling hand.
“Help?” Ryeowook asked curiously.
“With the rules. Kyuhyun told me about them, and well, if I see one of you breaking them, I am going to step in and help,” Eunhyuk told him as he wiped away a tear.
“Thank you, because he lives to break them….even when he’s trying not to,” Ryeowook told him, suddenly relieved.
“I don’t want you two to have such a hard life. It scares me to think of what might happen. I have a friend that had two guy friends that….were in love with each other. He always said they loved each other too much, and it scared him because they could be crazy. They were opposites, but they shared the same dream. One said what he thought and broke rules. The other one always thought about what he said and lived to follow rules. For a long time their love prevailed, but in the end everything went very wrong, and everything that they had loved and built was just destroyed,” Eunhyuk told Ryeowook with a distant look on his face, as if recalling the story of the doomed love saddened him deeply.
Ryeowook had paled at the story. “Who were they?”
“It doesn’t matter. They were in Japan; you wouldn’t know them,” Eunhyuk explained as he looked away, avoiding eye contact.
“That can’t ever happen. I won’t let it.” Ryeowook insisted. “Kyuhyun and I are fine now. We don’t have any bad feelings between us. I would never hurt him.”
“Good. We have to make sure it stays that way. Kyuhyun… -” Eunhyuk voice hitched as tears began to flow down his face. “For me Kyuhyun is always that boy dying on the side of the road, with me clinging to his hand and praying that he lives. I don’t want his life to be about secrets and shame….I just - ” Eunhyuk couldn’t continue any further as his body was racked with sobs. Ryeowook was speechless and crying just as hard when Eunhyuk enveloped him in a hug.
Author: aquariuslover
Pairing: KyuWook
Rating: R
Genre: Friendship, Love
Beta: unicornsinger
Summary: This is a completely fictional tale about the thin line between love and friendship, and how easily that line can become blurred.
TFAN Chapters
Later that night, Kyuhyun was in bed glaring at Sungmin from across the room. The older man was talking on the phone with one of his many female friends. “Some of us need our sleep!” Kyuhyun groused, throwing a pillow across the room and hitting Sungmin in the head with it.
“Some of us should take the sleeping pills the doctor gave us, and then they wouldn’t care if I was on the phone,” Sungmin informed him, picking up the pillow and throwing it back at him.
“I’m not taking any stupid pill to sleep!” Kyuhyun told him, wishing he had his own room for the millionth time.
“Then don’t sleep,” Sungmin told him.
“I won’t,” Kyuhyun told Sungmin as he lay in bed with his arms folded, glaring at the ceiling. Only fifteen minutes of Sungmin talking and giggling on the phone passed before Kyuhyun jumped up out of bed and stormed out of the room, slamming the door as hard as he could behind him.
“Now where to?” Kyuhyun asked himself. He knew that if he didn’t rest and start gaining weight soon, he was going to miss even more group activities when the Super Shows started. He hated sleeping on the couch. He thought about going to sleep with Eunhyuk, but the fear that he might wake up and want to talk kept Kyuhyun out of his room.
He made his way to Yesung’s room, but unfortunately for him, Zhou Mi had made it back tonight and was sleeping in Ryeowook’s old bed. Zhou Mi had spoken all of four words to him when he got home from eating with his family and Ryeowook. He could tell the older man was still not pleased with him. Kyuhyun knew he should apologize, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.
Then there was Yesung, who was sleeping soundly, clutching his turtle pillow. He probably fought with Yesung more than any other member of the group, which was probably totally disrespectful, considering the gap in their ages, but it was never serious. Yesung was very much like a brother to Kyuhyun - an older brother he loved to annoy. Kyuhyun crawled into bed in the space between the wall and Yesung. He willed any thoughts of Ryeowook from his mind, and exhaustion soon caught up with him.
*******************
Ryeowook took a deep breath as he stood outside the dorm he had lived in for so long. He mustered up his courage and punched in the password on the keypad that opened the door. He walked into the dorm to find it quiet, as all its residents were still sleeping. He walked to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and gathered the ingredients he would need. He walked to the rice cooker, hoping that rice had been prepared last night, and sure enough it had; no doubt Sungmin had done it.
He busied himself with preparing breakfast, but the urge to check on Kyuhyun was too strong, and he found himself at the door that led into Sungmin and Kyuhyun’s bedroom. He opened the door and was surprised to only find Sungmin in the room, sleeping.
He then headed for Eunhyuk’s room, but found the other man sleeping upside down in bed alone, with his covers tossed everywhere. Ryeowook wondered what demons Eunhyuk had battled in his sleep. He hoped keeping their secret wasn’t causing the man too much stress.
The door to his old room with Yesung was open, and sure enough, he found Kyuhyun sleeping soundly. Yesung and Kyuhyun were both on their sides, facing away from each other, but somehow Kyuhyun had managed to snag Yesung’s turtle pillow. Ryeowook knew that Yesung would never have given it up if he had been awake. Zhou Mi was in his old bed, sleeping with the covers pulled up over his face, but his bare feet sticking out.
He didn’t know how long he had been standing there in the doorway, watching Kyuhyun sleep, when he felt a finger tap his shoulder. He jumped and turned around to find Sungmin standing behind him with a toothbrush hanging out of his mouth.
“Take a picture; it will last longer,” Sungmin told the man in a garbled voice, as he brushed his teeth.
“I was just checking on them,” Ryeowook told Sungmin as he shut the door to the room so not to awaken them.
“That’s nice of you, isn’t it?” Sungmin said critically as he started to walk off.
Ryeowook moaned slightly; he knew he had to fix this and fix it fast. “Sungmin, I’m sorry.”
“Why would you be sorry?” Sungmin said, walking into the bathroom to rinse out his mouth.
“Because I left you alone to take care of them, and we are supposed to be a team,” Ryeowook said as he followed the older man into the bathroom.
“Oh, I don’t need your help taking care of ‘them’; it’s our little brat that’s the problem. Eunhyuk and Yesung I can handle with my eyes closed. Thank God, Zhou Mi is more like us then them…..but…but Kyuhyun is a nightmare,” Sungmin told Ryeowook as he walked past him out of the bathroom.
“I know he is,” Ryeowook agreed, following Sungmin to the living room.
“I don’t know how you would know anything? You haven’t been around. He has actually lost weight! I know his mother blames me,” Sungmin said as he sat down on the couch, looking very tired for somebody who had just gotten up.
“No, she blames me,” Ryeowook admitted as he sat down beside Sungmin.
“She does?”
“Yes, I spent the whole evening with Kyuhyun’s parents and an Aunt that didn’t like me. I know for a fact that she blames me and nobody else,” Ryeowook confessed to Sungmin as he toyed with the hem of his shift.
“Only because she thinks you are so much better than me. She thinks if you were here, everything would be fine with him,” Sungmin said, refusing to let go of his anger as he slumped back into the couch.
“You are the one who put that idea out there. I know what you told her about him. I don’t blame you, but don’t underestimate your importance. He needs, like, seven keepers, and you’ve been doing it by yourself for how long now?” Ryeowook told Sungmin, feeding his ego. Sungmin’s ego was a fragile thing and needed boosting more than the man would admit.
“That’s true. Nobody else offers to help out with him. The managers don’t bother, Leeteuk is always busy, Heechul is in his own world, Siwon is always making a drama, and the others just play with him,” Sungmin said, suddenly sitting up straighter.
“You have had a lot to deal with. He isn’t easy to handle him on a good day, much less when he is being restricted by his health,” Ryeowook said, eyeing his friend closely and starting to feel relieved.
“True, I’m sorry I ratted on you to Mrs. Cho,” Sungmin told Ryeowook with a sad smile, as some of the tension left his body.
“No, you shouldn’t be. I deserved it. I have been too absorbed in my own misery to see the whole picture. I’m the one who should be sorry.”
Sungmin’s eyes brightened at the mention of misery. “Well, I will totally forgive you if you confess to me about your misery. It’s about love, isn’t it? You can tell me.”
“You promise not to tell a living soul?” Ryeowook asked him as he leaned back into the couch beside his friend.
“My lips are sealed,” Sungmin told him eagerly as he made a motion imitating zipping his lips.
“I am in love, but I shouldn’t be. It’s with somebody I can never have because…I just can’t. What I know and what I feel unfortunately aren’t the same thing,” Ryeowook said sadly as he closed his eyes.
“Is it the person that gave you that?” Sungmin said, pointing to the area on Ryeowook’s neck, which was now healed enough to be easily hidden.
“Yes.”
“The girl you met when you went to visit your grandmother?”
Ryeowook opened his eyes to find Sungmin boring holes into him with his eyes. He tried his best to not actually lie. “Yes, I saw them when I was visiting my grandmother. It was a huge mistake.”
“Why can’t you be with her? Is she married?” Sungmin asked in a scandalized voice.
“Ummm - ”
“Oh dear, she is! What were you thinking? The scandal would be huge. No wonder Kyuhyun is so stressed out,” Sungmin said, standing up, but then he sat back down quickly. “When you first met her, she wasn’t married, right?”
“No,” Ryeowook answered, wondering if Sungmin was angry or delighted with the news.
“Oh, so you knew her before you joined the group…you were like sweethearts in love then. You went off, became successful, and then years later, you two meet up again. Oh, and one thing led to another - ” Sungmin said, with the love of romance clearly shining from his eyes. Ryeowook, who was speechless, just nodded his head in agreement.
“You realized you still loved her, and she felt the same way. This is tragic. Does she have kids?” Sungmin continued, making up his own drama in his head, one starring Ryeowook and some old sweetheart, now married.
“Kids? No,” Ryeowook told his friend, who suddenly looked a hundred times happier with him.
“Well, that’s a plus then, because that would be very, very wrong. It’s so sad, though; you should have told me sooner,” Sungmin said, patting his back. “You needed a friend no doubt, and Kyuhyun doesn’t count, because he hates anybody who gets more of your attention than he does.”
“So true,” Ryeowook couldn’t help but agree. “I would have told you sooner, but I was too ashamed.”
“And you should be, but as long as you know it can’t ever happen again,” Sungmin told him, still patting his back.
“Never again,” Ryeowook agreed.
“It’s a good thing she lives so far away. Distance is the best answer to problems like this,” Sungmin advised. “If she lived nearby, then you would be in trouble.”
“Don’t I know it,” Ryeowook couldn’t help but spit the words out with a bitter laugh.
“Well, you are making the right decision. Sometimes the right thing to do is hard, but it’s got to be done. We must think of the group at times like this.”
“I know, and I - ” Ryeowook, who was still sitting on the couch beside Sungmin, stopped when he saw a very sleepy disheveled Kyuhyun walk into the room.
“Did Yesung kick you out of bed?” Sungmin asked, as he watched Kyuhyun stumble to the couch and plop down beside Ryeowook. In less time than Ryeowook could react, Kyuhyun’s head was in Ryeowook’s lap.
“Good morning to you,” Ryeowook said uncomfortably as he fought the urge to flee. He knew he would have a hard time explaining himself to Sungmin, who he had just made amends with.
“Is he already asleep?” Sungmin asked as he bent over and peered into Kyuhyun’s face. “He is.”
“He is,” Ryeowook agreed as he mentally cursed his right hand that had started rubbing Kyuhyun’s back out of habit.
“I am going to start drugging him,” Sungmin announced to Ryeowook.
Ryeowook did a double take and asked, “I beg your pardon? You can’t give him drugs.”
“Not, drug drugs, but sleeping pills. The doctor gave him some, but he refuses to take them. I am telling you, I am seriously tempted to drug him.”
“He doesn’t look like he had any problem sleeping last night. I mean, he was sound asleep in there with Yesung, and he fell asleep instantly here,” Ryeowook told Sungmin protectively.
“He goes days with getting very little to no sleep; then he crashes. Plus, he nags me for being on the phone. If he was drugged, he would sleep every night and wouldn’t need to crash,” Sungmin said, explaining himself to Ryeowook, who looked disapproving. “Okay, I won’t drug him, but the doctor did order them.”
“I mean… I guess it would be okay if he took them, because the doctor gave them to him,” Ryeowook added on second thought.
“He’s too stubborn to take them,” Sungmin said as he sniffed the air, “Are you cooking something?”
“Yes, it’s just cooking slowly, waiting for them to wake up. All that’s left is the pancakes,” Ryeowook told him as he pulled his hand away from Kyuhyun, trying his best to avoid touching him.
“This is why I love you!” Sungmin said, jumping up and heading to the kitchen to inspect breakfast.
Sungmin had barely left the room when Ryeowook got up from the couch, making the other man mumble, “Yesung, he…farts stink.”
Ryeowook gave Kyuhyun an odd look, then snapped his fingers in front of Kyuhyun’s face, making the other man wake up. “What?” Kyuhyun complained still sleepy. Then his eyes focused in on Ryeowook, and he sat up suddenly. Kyuhyun smiled, looking confused at the man standing in front of him. “What are you doing here?”
“Making breakfast,” Ryeowook told the younger man, whose eyes were still crusted with sleep.
“Pancakes?” Kyuhyun asked, wiping his eyes.
“Yes, but I need you to pay attention to me right now,” Ryeowook ordered as Kyuhyun started pulling on his right ear. “Stop that,” Ryeowook said, grabbing Kyuhyun’s hand.
“It needs popping,” Kyuhyun complained, shaking his head.
“Are you supposed to pop it or stick your fingers in it?” Ryeowook asked, grabbing Kyuhyun’s other hand as he reached for his ear with it.
“No,” Kyuhyun admitted.
“Then don’t, or they are never going to let you fly again,” Ryeowook told him, letting go of his hands.
“Okay,” Kyuhyun agreed, looking a little more awake.
“I made up with Sungmin, but I had to add to the lie,” Ryeowook told Kyuhyun, who suddenly looked more interested.
“What?”
“She was married,” Ryeowook informed him as he sat down on the coffee table in front of Kyuhyun, their knees bumping.
Kyuhyun just laughed. “So you make me lie for you, you smoke too much, and you’re having an affair with a married woman.”
“It’s not funny,” Ryeowook told him, frowning.
“It actually is. By the time you are done lying to hide the truth, the truth might actually be better for your reputation,” Kyuhyun told him, smiling as he reached his hand out for Ryeowook, but pulled back as he saw Ryeowook’s fearful expression.
“No, it won’t be,” Ryeowook told him sadly. “Even if I murdered you, it wouldn’t be as bad to some.”
“Stupid world,” Kyuhyun told him as he smiled sweetly at Ryeowook. He was about to reach out and try to touch Ryeowook again, but stopped himself. “I am going to respect all the rules from now on.”
“Good, but you already broke a rule today,” Ryeowook informed him.
“I did?” Kyuhyun asked confused. After giving it some thought he innocently added, “I was asleep. It shouldn’t count. You can’t control what you dream when you are asleep. Rule four should only count if you are awake.”
Ryeowook blushed. “I was actually talking about rule five.”
“Oh,” Kyuhyun responded, trying to hide a grin, loving the other man’s embarrassment.
“You were basically sleepwalking, so I guess I will let it slide this time. I guess sleeping and sleepwalking will be the exceptions. Although after you ruined your mother’s opinion of me I should - ”
“It worked, though! It was genius; just admit it.”
“Oh, it was genius…..put all the blame on me again. Why do I feel like I am the only one that ever has to pay?” Ryeowook asked as he stood up suddenly.
“You are not the only that has to pay, believe me. I suffer everyday - ”
“Shh - ” Ryeowook ordered, placing his hand gently over Kyuhyun’s mouth, causing the other man to look up. Kyuhyun then noticed that Eunhyuk was standing in the room unnoticed and was watching them both. Ryeowook and Kyuhyun exchanged glances, neither one of them sure of how long the other man had been there.
“Good morning. You two have a bad habit of tuning out the rest of the world when you are together,” Eunhyuk told them looking very serious - way too serious for him.
“I need to go help Sungmin in the kitchen. I think something is burning,” Ryeowook said, giving Kyuhyun a sorrowful look and hurrying off, ignoring Eunhyuk completely.
“Coward - ” Kyuhyun started to get up and chase after him, but stopped when he saw that Eunhyuk wasn’t amused. He walked up to Kyuhyun and took a seat next to him on the couch.
They sat there in silence for a long time. Kyuhyun had never really liked the serious side of Eunhyuk; most people didn’t. Everybody loved the funny, lovable and goofy side…the serious side had very high standards. Kyuhyun was wishing he was anywhere else - anywhere. Finally, Eunhyuk broke the silence. “So what are the rules?”
Kyuhyun turned to Eunhyuk and studied him closely, then just asked, “What do you think, you know?”
“I don’t know what the rules are. I just heard you mention them. I know you two like each other…….a whole lot,” Eunhyuk said as he shifted uncomfortably on the couch.
“That Ryeowook and I like each other a whole lot isn’t exactly a secret,” Kyuhyun said, suddenly defensive.
Eunhyuk looked around nervously and then turned back to Kyuhyun and whispered, “Don’t play with me, Kyuhyun.” Eunhyuk warned, “I know you know that I know you kissed.”
“How do you know this?” Kyuhyun whispered back to the man. The sweetness he had for Ryeowook earlier had suddenly disappeared in the face of Eunhyuk’s questions, and he wasn’t going to admit anything without a fight.
“I was on this couch, and you two were in that chair. I heard you both,” Eunhyuk told Kyuhyun as quietly as possible, so as not to be overheard.
“We thought you were asleep,” Kyuhyun explained. “He was very drunk when he kissed me. Did you hear that part?” Kyuhyun continued, still not at ease. Eunhyuk’s discomfort was easily noticed by Kyuhyun, and it was making him defensive.
“No, I just heard you say something about what if you had kissed him back,” Eunhyuk answered as they sat side by side each other on the couch, with a gap between them that felt a mile wide.
“I didn’t kiss him back. I hit him instead, and that’s what the fight about nothing was about,” Kyuhyun confessed, watching Eunhyuk closely, but the man had turned away from him, avoiding eye contact.
“He kissed you, and you hit him?”
“Yes, I was shocked. I didn’t have time to think.”
Eunhyuk turned to look at Kyuhyun, and he looked terribly guilty when he added, “But you wouldn’t hit him now. Would you?”
Kyuhyun looked away from Eunhyuk, feeling embarrassed. “No, but it can’t ever happen again. That’s what the rules are…they are to help us from never letting it happen again.”
“But it has happened again,” Eunhyuk reminded him, trying to relax his tense shoulders. “He wasn’t with anybody but you when you went to visit his grandmother, was he?”
“That was my fault. Ryeowook did his best to prevent anything like that from happening, but I was too curious, and I pushed him. I wouldn’t listen - ”
“I don’t need details, Kyuhyun,” Eunhyuk interrupted, too sharply, and instantly looked like he regretted it.
“You are the one who brought this up,” Kyuhyun pointed out, hating how uncomfortable it suddenly felt to be around one of his dearest friends.
“I know,” Eunhyuk acknowledged. “It’s just weird.” Eunhyuk continued to fidget in his seat.
“It’s weird for us, too. Nothing happened; Ryeowook stopped us before we went too far - actually, that isn’t totally true. Leeteuk and you are the ones that really stopped us,” Kyuhyun confessed, cursing his eyes that were suddenly feeling wet, due to the other man’s obvious distaste.
“Leeteuk and me? How?” Eunhyuk asked, confused.
“The radio was on and you guys were talking about how important the group was, about our dreams….and we just couldn’t ever risk anything bad happening to Super Junior,” Kyuhyun told him as he patted an eye dry and tried to control the tone of his voice.
“Oh,” Eunhyuk whispered, his expression softening.
“We know how bad it would be. We do. That’s why Ryeowook has avoided me as much as he can, but then he gets all the blame for me not recovering fast enough. I make it worse, because I want him with me. Then there are the rules. He can never drink around me again, we cannot do fan service, we can’t ever sleep together again…and I mean the innocent kind,” Kyuhyun added when he saw the shocked look on Eunhyuk’s face. “We can’t ever think about it, and we can’t even touch,” Kyuhyun said, spilling all his and Ryeowook’s secrets to Eunhyuk quickly and without hesitation.
“No, wonder you aren’t getting any better. That’s a lot to deal with,” Eunhyuk sadly told the other man who suddenly seemed so young. “I have to agree with you, though. I think the rules are for the best,” Eunhyuk said softly as he reached out an arm to wrap around the younger man, but hesitated, suddenly pulling it back.
“You won’t tell anybody, will you?” Kyuhyun asked desperately.
“No. I haven’t said a word. I won’t tell anybody. Even one other person knowing is too much,” Eunhyuk told the younger man. “I think - ” He stopped as Ryeowook walked back into the room.
Kyuhyun turned and stared harshly at Ryeowook, who watched them both carefully before he announced. “Breakfast is almost ready. Kyuhyun, go find Sungmin; he wants to weigh you.”
“So you returned, you traitor?” Kyuhyun accused, glaring at the other man who had left him in a very awkward situation.
Ryeowook just added, “And will you please wake Yesung and Zhou Mi up, too?”
“Okay, but what are you two going to say?” Kyuhyun got up uneasily watching the other two men.
“Go,” Ryeowook ordered. Kyuhyun gave Ryeowook a look saying he would be wanting answers later. He then hurried off to find Sungmin.
Ryeowook walked to the couch and looked at Eunhyuk nervously and sat down beside him. “Hyung, Kyuhyun isn’t gay. He is just confused. I confused him. I will never forgive myself for doing it.”
“Are you positive that’s all it is?” Eunhyuk questioned, not looking at the other man. “You two have always been really close.”
“You are close to Sungmin and Donghae,” Ryeowook pointed out.
“Hey, that’s different,” Eunhyuk proclaimed defensively, turning to look at Ryeowook.
“I know. I just don’t want Kyuhyun to pay for his confusion. The line between love and friendship just got blurred for him, but it won’t last long. He will find something else to distract him, and I will become just a friend again.”
“But you were never just a friend to him,” Eunhyuk admitted. He couldn’t help but feel terrible at the look of misery on Ryeowook’s face.
“Well, that’s what I have to be from now on. I am so sorry that we have shamed you. I wish you never had to know,” Ryeowook told the other man, whose disappointment he could feel.
“I hate that I feel this way. I feel like this awful person, that I should be better….more understanding.”
“You’re not awful. Kyuhyun’s not awful. The fault lies in me, because I can’t help being this way. I don’t know what to do. I guess I could leave - ”
“No,” Eunhyuk said, grabbing Ryeowook’s hand, all his uneasiness gone suddenly at the mention of Ryeowook leaving. “Don’t even think like that. We have had enough members leaving; no more. We can handle this.”
“I hope so. I am going to try acting like everything is normal. Maybe if I do that, he will just fall back into his old routine,” Ryeowook said hopefully.
“I think that’s the best course. This is fire, Ryeowook…dangerous fire. It can burn Super Junior down. These kinda feelings have destroyed other gro….friendships. In the end, our country and its people just can’t accept this. Girls like to think about it, they love the fan service, but the moment something gets too real, suddenly it is poison. It’s just how things are.”
“I know this. I am trying everything possible to stop anything from happening,” Ryeowook said, shaking all over.
“I am going to help from now on,” Eunhyuk promised, his eyes suddenly glassy, and any coldness he had before was gone as he held onto Ryeowook’s trembling hand.
“Help?” Ryeowook asked curiously.
“With the rules. Kyuhyun told me about them, and well, if I see one of you breaking them, I am going to step in and help,” Eunhyuk told him as he wiped away a tear.
“Thank you, because he lives to break them….even when he’s trying not to,” Ryeowook told him, suddenly relieved.
“I don’t want you two to have such a hard life. It scares me to think of what might happen. I have a friend that had two guy friends that….were in love with each other. He always said they loved each other too much, and it scared him because they could be crazy. They were opposites, but they shared the same dream. One said what he thought and broke rules. The other one always thought about what he said and lived to follow rules. For a long time their love prevailed, but in the end everything went very wrong, and everything that they had loved and built was just destroyed,” Eunhyuk told Ryeowook with a distant look on his face, as if recalling the story of the doomed love saddened him deeply.
Ryeowook had paled at the story. “Who were they?”
“It doesn’t matter. They were in Japan; you wouldn’t know them,” Eunhyuk explained as he looked away, avoiding eye contact.
“That can’t ever happen. I won’t let it.” Ryeowook insisted. “Kyuhyun and I are fine now. We don’t have any bad feelings between us. I would never hurt him.”
“Good. We have to make sure it stays that way. Kyuhyun… -” Eunhyuk voice hitched as tears began to flow down his face. “For me Kyuhyun is always that boy dying on the side of the road, with me clinging to his hand and praying that he lives. I don’t want his life to be about secrets and shame….I just - ” Eunhyuk couldn’t continue any further as his body was racked with sobs. Ryeowook was speechless and crying just as hard when Eunhyuk enveloped him in a hug.