(no subject)
To my sisters, cut for length issues
Okay, I know I should be doing this in person, but I believe that that would be too stressful emotionally for everyone. I don't think I could not break down crying and I don't know if you guys would listen to everything I have to say. So I'm doing it this way.
First off, if there is a problem you need to tell it to me. I don't like it when I hear that you have been talking behind my back because you're afraid that I'm going to get upset and be mad at you guys for a while. Yes I will get upset. Yes I will probably get mad. I have emotions, believe it or not. I will eventually forgive you. It may take a little bit of time, but this entire thing is probably going to take some time. I need to know if there is a problem so that I can fix it. Or at least So I know that there is no way I can fix it and that it will just take time.
Second, I'm tried of hating my mother. I will be honest with all of you and say that I've forgiven her at least a little bit. I don't completely trust her. I don't think i ever will, but she has been trying her hardest to keep us living here. She has a job. She is working. It isn't her fault that the goverment didn't pay us and we got behind. She is going to look for a new job shortly because of a mistake that wasn't her fault. She caught it and so she got in trouble for it. I do not hate her. I do not love her. But I'm sick of having to badmouth her just to stay on your guys good side.Go ahead and be mad at me for this. I won't blame you.I also try really hard not to be like my mother. I always have, I beat myself up every time that I think that I've done something like my mother. I hate it. I try really really hard not to be like her. Sometimes i'm going to be because that is who I am. But I try hard not to. Robert said something that hurt me a lot. He said that the only reason he really came down here was for one person. Sam. She is the one you have to watch out for. If any one is going to be like my mom, it is Sammy. Dad told Joe, that he wasn't worried that I would turn into my mom, he was worried that Sam would.
Third, I would like to know why I need supervison. I am almost sixteen. I will be sixteen in three months. I don't know what I'm going to do for my birthday yet. I'll figure something out I'm sure. But honestly, do you guys think that I'm doing drugs? Or drinking because he is 21? I'm not. I've never touched weed or ciggeretts in my life. I haven't done heroin. I haven't done cocaine. I'm not drinking. If you want to know what me and him did during my Thanksgiving and Christmas break, I'll tell you. We played video games. During thanksgiving we played through al of Mario Sixty four. That took about three days. Then we played through Zelda Ocarina of Time. Then we played through Eternal Darkness, twice. That took the rest of the week. Yes. We did have sex. Get over it. During christmas. We played through Zelda, Majora's mask. The ending is creepy. D : I'm convinced that the kid is the Happy Mask shop guy. D : Creepy. That took us a good couple of days. Then I went home for Christmas, even though I felt sick and didn't really want to go home, but he convinced me to do so. I don't regret it. No we didn't have sex then because he was too worried that he was going to pull out my stitches if we did. I was too. He came back on friday so that he was here for Channuka as was I. He was good, he tryed to be social. He tried his hardest. He isn't used to being in huge groups of people. Even with his friends he wasn't all that social. On monday we went back and I stayed at Joe's until Tuesday afternoon. Then I went back to Chris' and we played Rouge Galaxy. The most cliche game on the planet. On several planets actually. No we didn't have sex, because A) we were still concerend about my stiches. and B) because I was on my period. And face it, having sex while bleeding isn't all that sanitary, and honestly it is really gross.
Fourth, yes I remembered to pull out my nuva ring while I was there. I got a new one before heading down to Denver on monday. Me and Joe and Chris all waited for half an hour. Chris paid the $50 for it. Yes I remembered to put the new one in. Because niether of us want me to be pregnant. That is a bad thing. Yes we are really safe about it. I can't say this enough. We've been together for 13 months and I still haven't even had a pregnant scare. Yes there is stil la small chance that I might get pregnant. If that does happen then I am going to get an abortion because I am not ready to have a child. I'm not mature enough for that. Yes you can hate me for that too. I won't blame you for that. I don't believe that an abortion is wrong if you aren't prepaired to carry a child for nine months and take care of it afterwards.
As far as school goes. I've gotten sick alot. Part of that was due to my gallbladder. Other part of that is because I have a crappy immune system. (And really the spell check on this computer sucks) That is why I failed Chemistry. Not because of Chris. He was the one always encouraging me to do the freaking school work and homework which I simply didn't understand because my teacher sucked. Oh well. I'm going to be taking environmental sciences this semester instead to make up for the credits that I lost. As far as i kow I should pass French, English, and my Art class. I slacked off and now it is coming to bite me. This wasn't his fault. A bunch of times he decided that he wasn't going to come down because he was worried about my school work. His desicion. Not mine.
Also, about the whole manipulation thing. I don't see how I could possibly just be using him. I'm not that careless of a person to play with someone's emotions. I hate that. I hate that so much. I don't like that. I don't see how anyone could think that I'm using him. I don't like the choice of, either he is using me or I'm using him. He isn't using me. He isn't that kind of person. If he was going to use someone wouldn't he have given up at this point on me? Hell I cause so much drama and worry. When I was at his place after my sugery, he was constantly worrying that I had pulled a stich out or something. When I went into a panic attack after I took off the bandaids he was right there making sure I didn't pass out. He didn't leave my side other then to get me a washcloth cause i asked him too. Even after I was totally fine he didn't leave. I don't like the fact that I doubted myself because thattt to be a possibility. It isn't. I love him. He loves me. For me. Even though I know I cause so much stress. He is willing to stand by my side, even if you guys don't like him. I am willing to stay by his side, no matter what you guys think or say or do. It hurts that you guys can't get along and I will do my best to make time for both of you. I understand that this all will take time. I just hope that someday you guys can get along. Not just for my sake, but for everyone's.
I know people are in bad situations right now. Money issues everywhere. But Chris is going to pay the rest of our bill when he gets here on Friday. He is also going to pay to turn the internet back on. He is also going to pay for mom's meds. He is going back to school this semester. He starts next tuesday. He is going to therepy mondays and wednesdays at 5. He is on anti-depressants. He is also going to be working on Sundays and Thursdays. I don't like that he is working on Thursdays because he goes to school from 10:30 am to 9 at night and then works an eight hour shift. I'd rather he just come down on Saturday, but I'm not going to be able to change his mind. We will see how long this lasts.
I do love all of you with all of my heart. Just so you know.
Okay, I know I should be doing this in person, but I believe that that would be too stressful emotionally for everyone. I don't think I could not break down crying and I don't know if you guys would listen to everything I have to say. So I'm doing it this way.
First off, if there is a problem you need to tell it to me. I don't like it when I hear that you have been talking behind my back because you're afraid that I'm going to get upset and be mad at you guys for a while. Yes I will get upset. Yes I will probably get mad. I have emotions, believe it or not. I will eventually forgive you. It may take a little bit of time, but this entire thing is probably going to take some time. I need to know if there is a problem so that I can fix it. Or at least So I know that there is no way I can fix it and that it will just take time.
Second, I'm tried of hating my mother. I will be honest with all of you and say that I've forgiven her at least a little bit. I don't completely trust her. I don't think i ever will, but she has been trying her hardest to keep us living here. She has a job. She is working. It isn't her fault that the goverment didn't pay us and we got behind. She is going to look for a new job shortly because of a mistake that wasn't her fault. She caught it and so she got in trouble for it. I do not hate her. I do not love her. But I'm sick of having to badmouth her just to stay on your guys good side.Go ahead and be mad at me for this. I won't blame you.I also try really hard not to be like my mother. I always have, I beat myself up every time that I think that I've done something like my mother. I hate it. I try really really hard not to be like her. Sometimes i'm going to be because that is who I am. But I try hard not to. Robert said something that hurt me a lot. He said that the only reason he really came down here was for one person. Sam. She is the one you have to watch out for. If any one is going to be like my mom, it is Sammy. Dad told Joe, that he wasn't worried that I would turn into my mom, he was worried that Sam would.
Third, I would like to know why I need supervison. I am almost sixteen. I will be sixteen in three months. I don't know what I'm going to do for my birthday yet. I'll figure something out I'm sure. But honestly, do you guys think that I'm doing drugs? Or drinking because he is 21? I'm not. I've never touched weed or ciggeretts in my life. I haven't done heroin. I haven't done cocaine. I'm not drinking. If you want to know what me and him did during my Thanksgiving and Christmas break, I'll tell you. We played video games. During thanksgiving we played through al of Mario Sixty four. That took about three days. Then we played through Zelda Ocarina of Time. Then we played through Eternal Darkness, twice. That took the rest of the week. Yes. We did have sex. Get over it. During christmas. We played through Zelda, Majora's mask. The ending is creepy. D : I'm convinced that the kid is the Happy Mask shop guy. D : Creepy. That took us a good couple of days. Then I went home for Christmas, even though I felt sick and didn't really want to go home, but he convinced me to do so. I don't regret it. No we didn't have sex then because he was too worried that he was going to pull out my stitches if we did. I was too. He came back on friday so that he was here for Channuka as was I. He was good, he tryed to be social. He tried his hardest. He isn't used to being in huge groups of people. Even with his friends he wasn't all that social. On monday we went back and I stayed at Joe's until Tuesday afternoon. Then I went back to Chris' and we played Rouge Galaxy. The most cliche game on the planet. On several planets actually. No we didn't have sex, because A) we were still concerend about my stiches. and B) because I was on my period. And face it, having sex while bleeding isn't all that sanitary, and honestly it is really gross.
Fourth, yes I remembered to pull out my nuva ring while I was there. I got a new one before heading down to Denver on monday. Me and Joe and Chris all waited for half an hour. Chris paid the $50 for it. Yes I remembered to put the new one in. Because niether of us want me to be pregnant. That is a bad thing. Yes we are really safe about it. I can't say this enough. We've been together for 13 months and I still haven't even had a pregnant scare. Yes there is stil la small chance that I might get pregnant. If that does happen then I am going to get an abortion because I am not ready to have a child. I'm not mature enough for that. Yes you can hate me for that too. I won't blame you for that. I don't believe that an abortion is wrong if you aren't prepaired to carry a child for nine months and take care of it afterwards.
As far as school goes. I've gotten sick alot. Part of that was due to my gallbladder. Other part of that is because I have a crappy immune system. (And really the spell check on this computer sucks) That is why I failed Chemistry. Not because of Chris. He was the one always encouraging me to do the freaking school work and homework which I simply didn't understand because my teacher sucked. Oh well. I'm going to be taking environmental sciences this semester instead to make up for the credits that I lost. As far as i kow I should pass French, English, and my Art class. I slacked off and now it is coming to bite me. This wasn't his fault. A bunch of times he decided that he wasn't going to come down because he was worried about my school work. His desicion. Not mine.
Also, about the whole manipulation thing. I don't see how I could possibly just be using him. I'm not that careless of a person to play with someone's emotions. I hate that. I hate that so much. I don't like that. I don't see how anyone could think that I'm using him. I don't like the choice of, either he is using me or I'm using him. He isn't using me. He isn't that kind of person. If he was going to use someone wouldn't he have given up at this point on me? Hell I cause so much drama and worry. When I was at his place after my sugery, he was constantly worrying that I had pulled a stich out or something. When I went into a panic attack after I took off the bandaids he was right there making sure I didn't pass out. He didn't leave my side other then to get me a washcloth cause i asked him too. Even after I was totally fine he didn't leave. I don't like the fact that I doubted myself because thattt to be a possibility. It isn't. I love him. He loves me. For me. Even though I know I cause so much stress. He is willing to stand by my side, even if you guys don't like him. I am willing to stay by his side, no matter what you guys think or say or do. It hurts that you guys can't get along and I will do my best to make time for both of you. I understand that this all will take time. I just hope that someday you guys can get along. Not just for my sake, but for everyone's.
I know people are in bad situations right now. Money issues everywhere. But Chris is going to pay the rest of our bill when he gets here on Friday. He is also going to pay to turn the internet back on. He is also going to pay for mom's meds. He is going back to school this semester. He starts next tuesday. He is going to therepy mondays and wednesdays at 5. He is on anti-depressants. He is also going to be working on Sundays and Thursdays. I don't like that he is working on Thursdays because he goes to school from 10:30 am to 9 at night and then works an eight hour shift. I'd rather he just come down on Saturday, but I'm not going to be able to change his mind. We will see how long this lasts.
I do love all of you with all of my heart. Just so you know.