Sins of the son...
So here's my dilemma.
I have laid out before me, a rather distressing situation. Of course, at the start I have that I made two very stupid mistakes which went on to create more mistakes. First was to not pick up the phone that time my mom called to tell me to mail some stuff to my aunt again. It was after that that she continued to call and call to get in touch with me and I continually put it off knowing that it would be an even worse pain to deal with. Of course, this came out of Christmas holidays when my parents found out about me not calling them in Fall semester and just calling my friends... The other mistake was one day deciding to skip econ. Lets just say my compunctions against that were pretty different from then on. It's really quite a terrible thing. Sometimes it bothers me to think I had the option of avoiding all this had I taken a gap year. No homesickness, nothing new, no grades, no classes, none of that to worry about, hell my parents wouldn't even have to worry about the high bills. I'm sure I wouldn't spend 40 odd thousand in that year. This woolgathering, gladly, doesn't happen often, since it's pretty much done and far fetched.
So anyway, failed econ. Kept stubbornly out of touch with the family. Yeah, not quite what we can call great conclusive results. And for Asians who understand this part, definitely not something to head back into the family carrying nailed to your face. Issues paying the fee to my subleter certainly didn't help. Having to ask for a credit advance from your parents account is even worse. Knowing you'd set yourself up for it months in advance could only be considered pretty damned terrible. Towards the end of it all, knowing that patching things up was necessary and that absolute humility and serious ass-licking would be necessary...
We all know how I am with my friends. It's pretty terrible in a way. They say that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all... and I'm not denying it or agreeing with it... but it really is pretty relevant. Would I have been better off not having it? Probably. Would I have preferred not to have it? Definitely not. Nevertheless, because of how my life turned out... I'm hurting a lot of people on the way... family mostly... and I can't say I'm proud of it. Is it worth it? well we'll see at the end of all this. The thing is that I end up not caring so long as, well, I get what I want. How selfish. Even if I might justify it with saying that I need it, or that the stress would overwhelm me. While that might be true, it's still throwing other people aside for just my aims... The main reason I was going to try to make the best of it was to see if I could save my chances for hanging out with my friends. It sounds terribly selfish, but I really didn't care about much else. As far as I was concerned I felt that there wasn't anything else but just this one last year.
My dad's job security was questionable by the end of the year... there was a good chance that I might never go back to Jakarta again. My mom would worry to me about where they'd end up afterwards, with luck, she'd say, they'd be in Bangkok, or transferred somewhere else. Worst comes to worst, he'd have to head back to the US to find a job, which certainly wouldn't pay as well. Either way, chances of heading to Jakarta were nil. There was a chance that they would renew his contract, but they were both scared. Expats are expensive after all, especially in a local Indonesian company which pays most of its workers in Rupiah (they paid my dad in USD). Anyway, with this in mind, I felt that these next two holidays, summer and christmas, would be the last good chances for me to see any good number of them together again. After that, absolutely everyone would be off to university (except maybe a few), and there would be no telling what would happen. However, these holidays were definite. People would be there in Jakarta. It's an opportunity not to miss, especially with a group which was the way we were.
Well anyway, so this is what was waiting for me in Vail with my parents. Naturally I was pretty worried. My mom had just spent 2 or 3 weeks in Houston with my Aunt and cousins. Now, my cousins are pretty much straight-A students (none in uni yet), obedient, considerate of their parents and responsible. Well, for the most part. Thinking of me while she was there it would be pretty easy to get caught up on what I don't have in those traits. Hell, they probably seemed like saints in comparison. Then she comes to me. At the time, I was overdue for a haircut and a shave, and after a rush to the airport and the flight I must not have looked fantastic :P. Add that to everything else gives a pretty fucking bad impression.
I really feel sorry for my parents, though especially for my dad. He works so hard, and puts up with so much shit, just to bring home the bread. He's the one I feel most sorry for and I really regret doing all this for. The fact that he goes through so much just to find out it's being spent on me screwing around is really sad. My mother on the other hand.. I don't regret as much. She's always been the one to handle the more personal side of parenting. My dad, as he told me in Vail, never liked telling anyone what to do, and wanted us to find our own way. My mom I guess, didn't have that much confidence in the ability to learn from your own mistakes. She would tell us that smart people learn from other people's mistakes and stupid(?) people make their own to learn from. I think you all see the fallibility in that. It follows in a saying that they really keep saying and I find really annoying, which is the "Genius is 99% hard work" thing. There is no arguing with them, and their stubborness follows on in me and my sister. It makes for very unproductive family discussions you might imagine. That's why nothing gets solved in this family, parents always considering themselves right when it comes to advice for their kids. There have been so many fruitless arguments and discussions. Me being a quiet kid, especially compared to my sister, I learned not to speak much, and so I avoided trouble altogether. So I had a lot of secrets, and bad habits I learned to do in my own time, rather than to stop altogether. Instead of coming out and saying I had a problem, I would hide it. When I did something bad or stupid, I learned to hide it better, rather than prevent it from happening again. Of course it wasn't good, but that was how I grew up. It's continued even to now, and they just keep trying to make me fit into an idea that I can change and tell them everything, ask them for advice about anything, and all that...
Well, then there was the other thing. Stupid dorm weight. Getting to Chicago started off a terrible process of driving me further and further insane in my opinion. There, I was faced with staying in the same room as my parents, and then facing the rest of the family, all of whom were interested in what I had to say about the end of my first year. When some of them get judgmental and disappointed just by looking at the dorm weight I put on, it's pretty upsetting. Considering my inadvertent dieting during that month I was in Ann Arbor after classes were over and the subsequent huuuge loss in weight (imo anyway..) it was pretty depressing to come along and have my grandpa swear to whip me into shape and get me slim. Cousins too. Having girlfriends being yet another perk to them as examples of good kids... People then ask me "Dan, you're 19, why don't you have one yet? Look at Ti and Bi. Bi's only 14 and he has one." (Ti and Bi are btw, the nicknames for my two cousins who are the oldest other than my sister and I). So then it's everyone criticize Dan time. Look, he's fat, failing, still doesn't have a girlfriend, and isn't a good son. What a failure. My parents then see that as criticism to their parenting, since in their view the next line would be "What kind of parents would let their kid be like that?". Of course. This is why most of my family don't know about my grades, and my mom even told me in a chat recently, "just so you know", that none of her friends in Jakarta know either, so to be careful with what I said. We never could do anything to embarrass her.
And so, in proposal to make up for the credits I don't have from taking 12 credits last semester and failing 4 of them, and only taking 12 credits in the fall and keeping 8 since I only got 4 from spanish... they want to sign me up for summer classes at a community college here. They figure, if the credits can be transferred, then send them to Michigan to make up for it. If not, then good prep for the fall. They don't want to pay all the money for classes in Ann Arbor, just the credits for now. The sad thing for me is that the schedule cuts up my original holiday plan, and the classes end halfway through august, leaving two remaining weeks free for the now only possible trip to jakarta. This also means an extra 2 weeks here in Houston. I calculated that I could still graduate on time due to the credits I got incoming from IB, so long as I took about 16 credits each semester of course. However, they were hoping for me to finish early, and it's a bit of a drop you might admit to be thinking about how to make it on time. They figure, that if I take an econ class this summer, then that will at least help me retake the class in the fall, if it doesn't provide the classes in itself. If I take a spanish class instead, it would help me pass proficiency and get me back those other 4 credits. I figured not even to touch the very real idea I had of dropping out of the RC. While here in Houston I had a few chats with my mom.. and each time from what she said and her choice of words, she was trying to keep me from going back, both this summer and in christmas. First she said something like "we're having trouble getting the flight for you." and then another day "well since you're not coming back this summer or christmas let us know where you want to go". Of course I jumped in and said "wait, hang on, what? so you're saying that I might never go back to jakarta?" This I explained, was based on the idea that this would be the last year I could be garraunteed to go, since with dad's job security it seems pretty unlikely. And now, quite simply, she says "oh, well it's fine now. he's staying here." Very suspicious. This by the by, was said with no notice to me whatsoever, as if she'd already made the decisions for me not to come back. She reckoned that christmas holidays were too short this year, but she should remember that finals week plays a big role. Anyway, this wasn't pleasant news.
So now, with all this in mind, I'm here in Houston, thinking about how to handle it all. Obviously with schoolwork and all, getting my ass up and out is pretty much all there is to it. I know what I should do, and doing it, well, I'll get to that once classes start. Not much I can do about that now. However, it's still very distressing. Add that to how you know I am about my friends and the prospect of never seeing them again and whatnot.. obviously I'm quite upset. However, I have no time to think of it anymore with these bloody cousins. I mean, they're not bad in doses, but just... wow. It's so hard to describe that I'd have to say that you'd hav to see and meet them to believe it. My mom might've seen good kids who got good grades and all that lot, but I see sheltered, one-sided, immature kids. They're still good kids in that loose term, but there's so much which they're just ignorant to. For instance, the 14 year old takes to endless gay jokes on me, extreme ones at that. The kind that if I hadn't been putting up wtih them every year for maybe 4 or 5 years would be just plain disturbing. He also takes to criticize me about just about anything, wondering why I get worked up afterwards. He says it's a psychological thing to get me motivated, at which I told him was bullshit for me, since it would only make me less motivated. He never listens either. I swear he must have some serious case of ADD. And then there's the 17yr old, who has a really extreme inferiority complex, worst I've ever seen. So he and I went to my grandpa's house to mow his lawn, and the younger one calls me up to get my password to use my comp to watch my south park episodes. Since I wasn't there and wouldn't be there for a while, I concede and tell him. When I get back and the older one finds out, he freaks out and says "You told him!! You love him more! tell me your password!!" and wouldn't let up until I told him. It goes similarly with a lot of things, like having to be the best in a video game and sulking like crazy every time he wasn't the best. And man do they both WHINE. By the way, they are around me virtually all the time. Thankfully, the older one has friends he hangs out with often enough, but the younger just hangs off of me, farting on me, finding someway to touch, tickle or get my attention while I'm doing something like write an email. And then there's their ignorance! it's amazing how one-sided they are! "smoking is evil" they say. "it should be banned" they say. They're the type to pull up their shirts and cover their noses and mouths when they see someone smoking and cough when they smell it. Can you imagine what it was like walking around with them in Chicago?? NO tolerance whatsoever, never understanding the idea of sticking themselves in someone else's shoes. They aren't people, they're SMOKERS. You smoke, it'll kill you. Period. I don't know if it's all the bloody ads on about "no drugs, no alcohol, no cigarettes" on TV (they do watch a lot..) or the family or whatever. They just have no tolerance whatsoever. One, usually the older, would come up to me and say "Dan, don't smoke. It's not good for you" at which I say "dude, I don't smoke. I never have. but you have to realize that they're people! And that smoking does NOT make them evil". Of course, I must've had that same discussion several times already, and no difference. They don't listen. They really do just wait for their turn to speak. And imagine! THe old folks want me to be like this!! I had more intelligent discussions with the kids on my schoolbus back home! At least they LISTENED. ANd I have possibly a whole 2 months more here if I don't head back at the end!
So yeah. that's been my rant about all the crappy stuff in my life for the past month or so. The worst part is getting emails from my friends all around, or just chatting with them. Johan and Emil telling me about awesome nights out and raves. Tom k telling me he'd failed three classes one term and just wanted to pass, then asking me to check out a car for him. Jen telling me about story ideas and sympathizing with the draw back home to jakarta as she bitches about aspects of living in australia. Nikki telling me about her great gap year, most of it in Tobago doing charity work, never mentioning the endless family problems she goes through. Catherine having fun in uni despite being constantly short on money. Brad tells me about plans to go to a mountain house with his friends from uni in South AFrica for a huge party for a long weekend. Some of them go through what I do, failing, homesickness, being short on money but don't put up with the same shit I get for it. Worst part of it is though, getting emails from Adam about getting back from Singapore after another round of Chemo. The last time I talked to him he said he had at least 3 months off from treatments, but had just gotten back from taking his mom to singapore for her chemo. And here I am moping about not being able to fly back ten thousand miles to party with a bunch of friends. That guy has gone through more shit in just the almost 20 years of his life than any of us should in our whole lifetimes. He is the only person I know who's allowed to sit through life moping and feeling sorry for himself, even if it only makes him worse company and therefore more anti-social and then depressed into a cycle. What I have is nothing. It's me being spoilt, selfish, and totally ignorant of what I should be doing in life. Me feeling this crap, frustrated, and confused while Adam is over there drugged up bringing home his mom drugged up and wondering if it's all for naught and if he'd just be back again in a few months to go through it all again...
There've been times during this past while where I've wondered if everything might be better if I did something stupid like what other people do. Some people commit suicide to escape their problems. The idea passing through my head was just plain scary, but in reality the idea for me was that if anything, I'd be ridding all the bother and strain that I put on the people I hurt in my uncontrollable selfishness. However, then I'd be leaving all the good people behind who I really wouldn't want to. The friends I found would help me through everything I never felt comfortable bringing to my family, which was nearly everything. This really means everyone, be it in Michigan, Jakarta, Ceran and other places. I'd never be brave enough or desperate enough to do something that stupid I figure. Running away was a more reasonable one. While I was in Vail fretting about just the guilt and all, I reckoned that if I were fast enough, I could manage a flight to somewhere, be that anywhere, and stick by there for a while and free myself of having to fulfill the expectations of this family. Then of course the clever side of me said "What? that's jsut stupid. What in hell would you do?" And then that clever side of me keeps going and tells me that it's all just so that maybe they can recognize my actual strain and maybe realize what is going on in my head for once, and that I'd never really do it.
I've done some irreparable damage to my relationship with my parents. Maybe they expected too much from me, in love, consideration and responsibility. Maybe I just didn't step up enough. What hurt however was when they told me that friends would never do what family could for me. Family bonds are always strongest, they said, whereas friends just come and go. How hypocritical. really now. I mean, it's beside the point here that I've grown up never going to my parents for help because I always ended up regretting it later, and that the only place I really felt I could discuss my problems was with my friends. The main point was displayed before I even met up with the rest of the family, and especially when I was there. My mom got upset at an uncle and aunt for something. When we were there, my uncle had trouble finding a room at the place he was supposed to stay in. What happened? my other uncle offered to go out of his way to find him a room at our hotel, and my mom and other aunt got worked up about it and told him to do whatever he wants, they weren't helping. I was even surprised to hear my mom and aunt having a very familiar argument about who my grandparents considered the favorite child. Always be there for each other? Ha! Except when your own stubbornness is concerned. Learn from other people's mistakes? I'll learn that no specific group can be totally relied on, just find people you trust to be there for you and who you're willing to be there for and stick with them, be it family or friends.
I could just go on and on and on, and on and on even more. But I won't. This is enough. I'm just so tired of it. And this is one long ass post lol. well. There's my rant. I'm done. If you think you can help me out with this, please don't stop yourself! if not, well, it'd be nice to hear from you anyway :D. Any break away from the cousins is well spent time as far as I'm concerned. I'm dreading what I'll face once I stay at my grandparents' for a month.
I have laid out before me, a rather distressing situation. Of course, at the start I have that I made two very stupid mistakes which went on to create more mistakes. First was to not pick up the phone that time my mom called to tell me to mail some stuff to my aunt again. It was after that that she continued to call and call to get in touch with me and I continually put it off knowing that it would be an even worse pain to deal with. Of course, this came out of Christmas holidays when my parents found out about me not calling them in Fall semester and just calling my friends... The other mistake was one day deciding to skip econ. Lets just say my compunctions against that were pretty different from then on. It's really quite a terrible thing. Sometimes it bothers me to think I had the option of avoiding all this had I taken a gap year. No homesickness, nothing new, no grades, no classes, none of that to worry about, hell my parents wouldn't even have to worry about the high bills. I'm sure I wouldn't spend 40 odd thousand in that year. This woolgathering, gladly, doesn't happen often, since it's pretty much done and far fetched.
So anyway, failed econ. Kept stubbornly out of touch with the family. Yeah, not quite what we can call great conclusive results. And for Asians who understand this part, definitely not something to head back into the family carrying nailed to your face. Issues paying the fee to my subleter certainly didn't help. Having to ask for a credit advance from your parents account is even worse. Knowing you'd set yourself up for it months in advance could only be considered pretty damned terrible. Towards the end of it all, knowing that patching things up was necessary and that absolute humility and serious ass-licking would be necessary...
We all know how I am with my friends. It's pretty terrible in a way. They say that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all... and I'm not denying it or agreeing with it... but it really is pretty relevant. Would I have been better off not having it? Probably. Would I have preferred not to have it? Definitely not. Nevertheless, because of how my life turned out... I'm hurting a lot of people on the way... family mostly... and I can't say I'm proud of it. Is it worth it? well we'll see at the end of all this. The thing is that I end up not caring so long as, well, I get what I want. How selfish. Even if I might justify it with saying that I need it, or that the stress would overwhelm me. While that might be true, it's still throwing other people aside for just my aims... The main reason I was going to try to make the best of it was to see if I could save my chances for hanging out with my friends. It sounds terribly selfish, but I really didn't care about much else. As far as I was concerned I felt that there wasn't anything else but just this one last year.
My dad's job security was questionable by the end of the year... there was a good chance that I might never go back to Jakarta again. My mom would worry to me about where they'd end up afterwards, with luck, she'd say, they'd be in Bangkok, or transferred somewhere else. Worst comes to worst, he'd have to head back to the US to find a job, which certainly wouldn't pay as well. Either way, chances of heading to Jakarta were nil. There was a chance that they would renew his contract, but they were both scared. Expats are expensive after all, especially in a local Indonesian company which pays most of its workers in Rupiah (they paid my dad in USD). Anyway, with this in mind, I felt that these next two holidays, summer and christmas, would be the last good chances for me to see any good number of them together again. After that, absolutely everyone would be off to university (except maybe a few), and there would be no telling what would happen. However, these holidays were definite. People would be there in Jakarta. It's an opportunity not to miss, especially with a group which was the way we were.
Well anyway, so this is what was waiting for me in Vail with my parents. Naturally I was pretty worried. My mom had just spent 2 or 3 weeks in Houston with my Aunt and cousins. Now, my cousins are pretty much straight-A students (none in uni yet), obedient, considerate of their parents and responsible. Well, for the most part. Thinking of me while she was there it would be pretty easy to get caught up on what I don't have in those traits. Hell, they probably seemed like saints in comparison. Then she comes to me. At the time, I was overdue for a haircut and a shave, and after a rush to the airport and the flight I must not have looked fantastic :P. Add that to everything else gives a pretty fucking bad impression.
I really feel sorry for my parents, though especially for my dad. He works so hard, and puts up with so much shit, just to bring home the bread. He's the one I feel most sorry for and I really regret doing all this for. The fact that he goes through so much just to find out it's being spent on me screwing around is really sad. My mother on the other hand.. I don't regret as much. She's always been the one to handle the more personal side of parenting. My dad, as he told me in Vail, never liked telling anyone what to do, and wanted us to find our own way. My mom I guess, didn't have that much confidence in the ability to learn from your own mistakes. She would tell us that smart people learn from other people's mistakes and stupid(?) people make their own to learn from. I think you all see the fallibility in that. It follows in a saying that they really keep saying and I find really annoying, which is the "Genius is 99% hard work" thing. There is no arguing with them, and their stubborness follows on in me and my sister. It makes for very unproductive family discussions you might imagine. That's why nothing gets solved in this family, parents always considering themselves right when it comes to advice for their kids. There have been so many fruitless arguments and discussions. Me being a quiet kid, especially compared to my sister, I learned not to speak much, and so I avoided trouble altogether. So I had a lot of secrets, and bad habits I learned to do in my own time, rather than to stop altogether. Instead of coming out and saying I had a problem, I would hide it. When I did something bad or stupid, I learned to hide it better, rather than prevent it from happening again. Of course it wasn't good, but that was how I grew up. It's continued even to now, and they just keep trying to make me fit into an idea that I can change and tell them everything, ask them for advice about anything, and all that...
Well, then there was the other thing. Stupid dorm weight. Getting to Chicago started off a terrible process of driving me further and further insane in my opinion. There, I was faced with staying in the same room as my parents, and then facing the rest of the family, all of whom were interested in what I had to say about the end of my first year. When some of them get judgmental and disappointed just by looking at the dorm weight I put on, it's pretty upsetting. Considering my inadvertent dieting during that month I was in Ann Arbor after classes were over and the subsequent huuuge loss in weight (imo anyway..) it was pretty depressing to come along and have my grandpa swear to whip me into shape and get me slim. Cousins too. Having girlfriends being yet another perk to them as examples of good kids... People then ask me "Dan, you're 19, why don't you have one yet? Look at Ti and Bi. Bi's only 14 and he has one." (Ti and Bi are btw, the nicknames for my two cousins who are the oldest other than my sister and I). So then it's everyone criticize Dan time. Look, he's fat, failing, still doesn't have a girlfriend, and isn't a good son. What a failure. My parents then see that as criticism to their parenting, since in their view the next line would be "What kind of parents would let their kid be like that?". Of course. This is why most of my family don't know about my grades, and my mom even told me in a chat recently, "just so you know", that none of her friends in Jakarta know either, so to be careful with what I said. We never could do anything to embarrass her.
And so, in proposal to make up for the credits I don't have from taking 12 credits last semester and failing 4 of them, and only taking 12 credits in the fall and keeping 8 since I only got 4 from spanish... they want to sign me up for summer classes at a community college here. They figure, if the credits can be transferred, then send them to Michigan to make up for it. If not, then good prep for the fall. They don't want to pay all the money for classes in Ann Arbor, just the credits for now. The sad thing for me is that the schedule cuts up my original holiday plan, and the classes end halfway through august, leaving two remaining weeks free for the now only possible trip to jakarta. This also means an extra 2 weeks here in Houston. I calculated that I could still graduate on time due to the credits I got incoming from IB, so long as I took about 16 credits each semester of course. However, they were hoping for me to finish early, and it's a bit of a drop you might admit to be thinking about how to make it on time. They figure, that if I take an econ class this summer, then that will at least help me retake the class in the fall, if it doesn't provide the classes in itself. If I take a spanish class instead, it would help me pass proficiency and get me back those other 4 credits. I figured not even to touch the very real idea I had of dropping out of the RC. While here in Houston I had a few chats with my mom.. and each time from what she said and her choice of words, she was trying to keep me from going back, both this summer and in christmas. First she said something like "we're having trouble getting the flight for you." and then another day "well since you're not coming back this summer or christmas let us know where you want to go". Of course I jumped in and said "wait, hang on, what? so you're saying that I might never go back to jakarta?" This I explained, was based on the idea that this would be the last year I could be garraunteed to go, since with dad's job security it seems pretty unlikely. And now, quite simply, she says "oh, well it's fine now. he's staying here." Very suspicious. This by the by, was said with no notice to me whatsoever, as if she'd already made the decisions for me not to come back. She reckoned that christmas holidays were too short this year, but she should remember that finals week plays a big role. Anyway, this wasn't pleasant news.
So now, with all this in mind, I'm here in Houston, thinking about how to handle it all. Obviously with schoolwork and all, getting my ass up and out is pretty much all there is to it. I know what I should do, and doing it, well, I'll get to that once classes start. Not much I can do about that now. However, it's still very distressing. Add that to how you know I am about my friends and the prospect of never seeing them again and whatnot.. obviously I'm quite upset. However, I have no time to think of it anymore with these bloody cousins. I mean, they're not bad in doses, but just... wow. It's so hard to describe that I'd have to say that you'd hav to see and meet them to believe it. My mom might've seen good kids who got good grades and all that lot, but I see sheltered, one-sided, immature kids. They're still good kids in that loose term, but there's so much which they're just ignorant to. For instance, the 14 year old takes to endless gay jokes on me, extreme ones at that. The kind that if I hadn't been putting up wtih them every year for maybe 4 or 5 years would be just plain disturbing. He also takes to criticize me about just about anything, wondering why I get worked up afterwards. He says it's a psychological thing to get me motivated, at which I told him was bullshit for me, since it would only make me less motivated. He never listens either. I swear he must have some serious case of ADD. And then there's the 17yr old, who has a really extreme inferiority complex, worst I've ever seen. So he and I went to my grandpa's house to mow his lawn, and the younger one calls me up to get my password to use my comp to watch my south park episodes. Since I wasn't there and wouldn't be there for a while, I concede and tell him. When I get back and the older one finds out, he freaks out and says "You told him!! You love him more! tell me your password!!" and wouldn't let up until I told him. It goes similarly with a lot of things, like having to be the best in a video game and sulking like crazy every time he wasn't the best. And man do they both WHINE. By the way, they are around me virtually all the time. Thankfully, the older one has friends he hangs out with often enough, but the younger just hangs off of me, farting on me, finding someway to touch, tickle or get my attention while I'm doing something like write an email. And then there's their ignorance! it's amazing how one-sided they are! "smoking is evil" they say. "it should be banned" they say. They're the type to pull up their shirts and cover their noses and mouths when they see someone smoking and cough when they smell it. Can you imagine what it was like walking around with them in Chicago?? NO tolerance whatsoever, never understanding the idea of sticking themselves in someone else's shoes. They aren't people, they're SMOKERS. You smoke, it'll kill you. Period. I don't know if it's all the bloody ads on about "no drugs, no alcohol, no cigarettes" on TV (they do watch a lot..) or the family or whatever. They just have no tolerance whatsoever. One, usually the older, would come up to me and say "Dan, don't smoke. It's not good for you" at which I say "dude, I don't smoke. I never have. but you have to realize that they're people! And that smoking does NOT make them evil". Of course, I must've had that same discussion several times already, and no difference. They don't listen. They really do just wait for their turn to speak. And imagine! THe old folks want me to be like this!! I had more intelligent discussions with the kids on my schoolbus back home! At least they LISTENED. ANd I have possibly a whole 2 months more here if I don't head back at the end!
So yeah. that's been my rant about all the crappy stuff in my life for the past month or so. The worst part is getting emails from my friends all around, or just chatting with them. Johan and Emil telling me about awesome nights out and raves. Tom k telling me he'd failed three classes one term and just wanted to pass, then asking me to check out a car for him. Jen telling me about story ideas and sympathizing with the draw back home to jakarta as she bitches about aspects of living in australia. Nikki telling me about her great gap year, most of it in Tobago doing charity work, never mentioning the endless family problems she goes through. Catherine having fun in uni despite being constantly short on money. Brad tells me about plans to go to a mountain house with his friends from uni in South AFrica for a huge party for a long weekend. Some of them go through what I do, failing, homesickness, being short on money but don't put up with the same shit I get for it. Worst part of it is though, getting emails from Adam about getting back from Singapore after another round of Chemo. The last time I talked to him he said he had at least 3 months off from treatments, but had just gotten back from taking his mom to singapore for her chemo. And here I am moping about not being able to fly back ten thousand miles to party with a bunch of friends. That guy has gone through more shit in just the almost 20 years of his life than any of us should in our whole lifetimes. He is the only person I know who's allowed to sit through life moping and feeling sorry for himself, even if it only makes him worse company and therefore more anti-social and then depressed into a cycle. What I have is nothing. It's me being spoilt, selfish, and totally ignorant of what I should be doing in life. Me feeling this crap, frustrated, and confused while Adam is over there drugged up bringing home his mom drugged up and wondering if it's all for naught and if he'd just be back again in a few months to go through it all again...
There've been times during this past while where I've wondered if everything might be better if I did something stupid like what other people do. Some people commit suicide to escape their problems. The idea passing through my head was just plain scary, but in reality the idea for me was that if anything, I'd be ridding all the bother and strain that I put on the people I hurt in my uncontrollable selfishness. However, then I'd be leaving all the good people behind who I really wouldn't want to. The friends I found would help me through everything I never felt comfortable bringing to my family, which was nearly everything. This really means everyone, be it in Michigan, Jakarta, Ceran and other places. I'd never be brave enough or desperate enough to do something that stupid I figure. Running away was a more reasonable one. While I was in Vail fretting about just the guilt and all, I reckoned that if I were fast enough, I could manage a flight to somewhere, be that anywhere, and stick by there for a while and free myself of having to fulfill the expectations of this family. Then of course the clever side of me said "What? that's jsut stupid. What in hell would you do?" And then that clever side of me keeps going and tells me that it's all just so that maybe they can recognize my actual strain and maybe realize what is going on in my head for once, and that I'd never really do it.
I've done some irreparable damage to my relationship with my parents. Maybe they expected too much from me, in love, consideration and responsibility. Maybe I just didn't step up enough. What hurt however was when they told me that friends would never do what family could for me. Family bonds are always strongest, they said, whereas friends just come and go. How hypocritical. really now. I mean, it's beside the point here that I've grown up never going to my parents for help because I always ended up regretting it later, and that the only place I really felt I could discuss my problems was with my friends. The main point was displayed before I even met up with the rest of the family, and especially when I was there. My mom got upset at an uncle and aunt for something. When we were there, my uncle had trouble finding a room at the place he was supposed to stay in. What happened? my other uncle offered to go out of his way to find him a room at our hotel, and my mom and other aunt got worked up about it and told him to do whatever he wants, they weren't helping. I was even surprised to hear my mom and aunt having a very familiar argument about who my grandparents considered the favorite child. Always be there for each other? Ha! Except when your own stubbornness is concerned. Learn from other people's mistakes? I'll learn that no specific group can be totally relied on, just find people you trust to be there for you and who you're willing to be there for and stick with them, be it family or friends.
I could just go on and on and on, and on and on even more. But I won't. This is enough. I'm just so tired of it. And this is one long ass post lol. well. There's my rant. I'm done. If you think you can help me out with this, please don't stop yourself! if not, well, it'd be nice to hear from you anyway :D. Any break away from the cousins is well spent time as far as I'm concerned. I'm dreading what I'll face once I stay at my grandparents' for a month.