Ek LJ non-regular ki peeda ;-)

[aramanath]

Bahut dinon baad dost mila
Man jaise ek phool khila
Haath milaya aur phir poocha
Kya sab kuch hai changa-bhala?

Is par dost gusse me aaya
Dekh meri taraf gurraya
LJ pe to sab post kiya hai
Dwapar yug se aaya hai kya?

Dus log comment bhi kar chuke
Tu LJ kyon nahin padhta be?
Kuch poochna ho to wahin pooch
Sar mat kha, chal bhaag yahaan se!

Comments

[pugmarx]

Kon hai wah kroor wyakti
Uss nirdayi ka naam batao
Mitr ki peeda jo samajh na paya
(Ummm?) Kachhwa jalao ghoonghat uthhao ;)
Yaad dilao ussko wah din
Jab LJ hota na thha
Aur jab tum aa kar miltey
Tab ghussa karta na thha

[peeyush]

Mitr ki peeda jo samajh na paya
Iodex maliye
kaam pe chaliye.

[aramanath]

Dost wah mera acCha hai
Dil ka mano saccha hai
Naam bata nahin sakta lekin
Bataya to mereko guccha hai!

[iamneo]

i have done that to couple of friends of mine - read my lj to know more and oten got back not so friendly responses. but on the other hand i also have friends who regularly read my lj and are upto speed and so when we meet it is as if nothing has changed.

[aramanath]

Then you are the 'dost' in the poem. Hope my effort changes people like you and makes this world a better place for LJ non-regulars ;-)

[_samurai_jack]

Is par dost gusse me aaya
Dekh meri taraf gurraya
LJ pe to sab post kiya hai
Dwapar yug se aaya hai kya?

Although the first and the last verses follow the AABA rhyming pattern, this one does not. I believe this is due to the "kya" in the fourth line.
IMHO, Dwapar yug se kya tu hai aayaa would be an ideal substitute.

[aramanath]

It does follow aaba -- a = "ya" and not "aya". Your substitute does not fit the metre, and what's worse, it does not sound insulting at all! But I agree, "aya" would have been a more satisfactory ending. If only I could find a good word.

Also note a similar problem with stanza 1. Following aaba, it sets the expectation a = "ila", only to disappoint with "changa-bhala" :-(

Anyway, thanks a lot. It gives me a lot of joy to think that people have started analyzing and criticizing my poetry. Ghalib, Khayyam, Neeraj, here I come ;-)

[vivekm]

it does not sound insulting at all!
LOL, Thats an important reason :))

[aramanath]

:-) Most important according to me.

"Dost", kya bolta hai?

[manogat]

:-) Aye shaayar teri shaayeri ke kya kehne...
bade bade shaayron ki kabrein lagi palatne!!

[aramanath]

ye taareef hai ki gaali, sar laga hai ghoomne
pehle ye batao, ye sher kahan se udaaya tumne?

[manogat]

Waah bhai waah kya baat hai...
is sher mein to bada dum hai ;-)
Par jaan lein ki hum bhi kisise kam nahi
shayeron ki chori aaj tak hamne kabhi ki nahi...

Are ek ladki kahe to naujawaanon ko gaali bhi tareef lagti hai...
tu pareshaan na ho ghalib, ise samjhne mein badi mehnat lagti hai :-)