Chapter I (Puzzlebox)

[arantzain]

Chapter One
Noli Tangere!: Vampire: the Masquerade, associated terms, concepts, and products belong to White Wolf publishing. Don't own, don't shoot, don't sue.
Artifex: arantzain
Illa Digna Gratio Est: fallia
Alteris Gratiandum Est: Fallia, again, for the dashes. Also Dremelf, Myreitha, and Megwings for five years (give or take) of hand-holding. Bissou,

Comments

[dacnis]

Ah, very interesting introduction of characters and backstory - am definitely hooked on wanting to know more. And vampires always create such enjoyable complications and moral dilemmas. Thanks for posting, more please!

[arantzain]

Next chapter will be for you, how about?

Thank you for reading. It seriously means a lot, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[dacnis]

Next chapter will be for you, how about?

That would be so lovely! Thank you! (Sorry for the late response, work has eaten up my life, and I haven't been on in a long time - but I'm looking forward to the next chapter) And Happy New Year/Happy Birthday!

[ladyofthelog]

I really like this, and would like to read more! A few short suggestions:

I think you really need a chapter or more of buildup to get to this point. Introduce us to Elyssa's coworkers. Let us see her dissatisfaction rather than telling us about it. Establish her relationships with Cardinal, Mayer. Hint at her feelings about Jameson. He's not going to just show up in her office and make this offer and she accepts it right there. And his offer should be more veiled. You need to hint at what he is earlier on.

The prose is lovely, although Jameson's description of vampire life is a bit flowery.

More!

[arantzain]

Good thoughts -- and funny, that some of what I took out matches your description. It may go in for re-edits later on, but I really felt (and still do) that the coworkers won't be relevant until later and so shouldn't be introduced yet. Technique difference between the two of us, maybe?

>.> Will go change the flowery right now, that isn't how he ought to sound.