Deeper Meaning (Part 4)
Term starts up again in January, and Shige resumes his habit of going to the bookstore every Saturday morning. Aya isn’t too pleased with him, but he can’t get what Koyama said out of his mind. Shige is a man of logic, and if there is something…strange going on between him and Ryo, he wants to figure it out.
He starts making a mental catalogue of all the interactions between himself and Ryo. He makes a note of how their hands brush when Ryo hands him his shopping bag. He makes a note of Ryo’s face when Shige tells him the book he recommended was excellent. He makes a note of the way his stomach seems to vibrate and flip flop when Ryo reads over his shoulder and his breathes puff against Shige’s ear. He records it all in his mind and replays them over and over when he lies in bed at night. He analyzes each moment carefully, just like Ryo taught him to do with poems. He looks for meaning, then deeper meaning, than deeper meaning still, always trying to find the bottom of the well, the deepest, truest message that these actions convey.
And yet he gets nowhere. Ryo is so confusing. Some days he seems glued to Shige’s side, all regard for personal space thrown out the window. Then the next it’s like Shige has an infectious disease and Ryo won’t come within five feet of him. At times, Shige feels like he and Ryo can talk honestly about everything, but others Shige can tell Ryo is keeping things from him, locking Shige out and retreating into his own mind.
As for Shige’s own feelings, they’re just as mind-boggling. He knows he loves Aya. They’ve been together since their first month at Aoyama. Shige knows Aya; knows everything about her. She’s easy to talk to. She’s smart and beautiful. She puts up with his random hobbies like fishing and photography (and going to a bookstore every Saturday morning). She’s exactly the type of girl Shige has always imagined himself marrying. A future with Aya seems perfect, ideal even.
But Shige simply can’t ignore this…thing with Ryo. It’s crazy really, because he doesn’t even know if Ryo reciprocates the same…thing, but somehow being around Ryo feels different than Aya. Ryo keeps Shige guessing. Whenever Shige thinks he’s got Ryo figured out, the other will say or do something totally unexpected and Shige finds he has to adjust his equation. It’s a sort of rush, an exciting feeling that flutters around inside Shige’s ribcage and bangs against his chest. But uncertainty is also the problem with Ryo. No matter how hard he tries, Shige can’t see the future when it comes to Ryo. It’s always the present, the here and now, and Shige wonders if you can really be happy only planning for today.
No matter how much he analyzes or over-thinks things, Shige can’t come to a conclusion. He’s stuck in some sort of limbo, and both Aya and Ryo notice. They ask him if he’s sleeping; ask him if he’s eating; ask him if he’s studying too much. Shige doesn’t know what to tell them. He seriously doubts the truth would make things any better. Only Koyama really seems to understand, and Shige draws some comfort from that, but there’s only so long he can continue like this. His life is a ticking time bomb, and he knows it.
One Saturday, Shige walks up to the bookstore, only to find Ryo standing outside the door without his typical vest and nametag.
“I’m off today,” Ryo says by way of explanation, “Some girl needed to switch shifts, so I’m working tomorrow instead.”
“Then what are you doing here?” Shige asks.
Ryo flushes a little and looks embarrassed, “I knew you’d be coming so I figured I’d meet you here so you wouldn’t worry.”
“Aww,” Shige coos, “How sweet of you.”
Ryo looks sick to his stomach. He tries to level a glare at Shige (fails rather miserably), and promptly turns on his heel and stars walking away.
“No wait,” Shige calls, running to catch up, “Let’s hang out anyway. I’m bored.”
They decide to go back to Ryo’s apartment (“Yamapi and Bakanishi aren’t there I promise”). Shige leaves his shoes in the genkan, and follows Ryo into the kitchen where Ryo puts on some tea.
“How’s school going?” Ryo asks.
“Oh fine. Just studying for finals. I’m really worried about criminal law.”
Ryo gives him a look because they both know Shige will do exceptionally well on his exams. That’s just what Shige does. Ryo and Shige take the tea and some snacks into the living room, and start watching repeats of old variety shows. Ryo keeps making fun of the guests, and Shige can’t help but laugh when he calls Ueda Tatsuya (of national boxing renown) a fairy.
“Well he is,” Ryo protests, “Just look at those earrings. Hasn’t anyone told him those are supposed to be for girls?”
Shige snorts into the sofa cushion, and Ryo’s gaze lingers on him for just long enough to tip off Shige’s “thing-with-Ryo” sensors. After the variety shows, they watch some old drama starring Kimura Takuya, and again Ryo makes fun of all the main characters. The whole atmosphere is so comfortable that Shige wants to wrap the feeling up in a blanket and take it with him everywhere.
“Shige,” Ryo says suddenly, and Shige looks up but Ryo isn’t meeting his eyes, “Don’t you think it’s stupid that this guy here is so in love with that girl, but he can’t tell her? Don’t you think he should just tell her?”
Shige’s smart enough to know this isn’t about the drama. He chooses his next words extra carefully; aware of exactly how much hangs in the balance of this moment.
“I guess I think he should be honest with his feelings,” Shige says slowly, weighing out every word, “Because maybe she might like him back just as much.”
“Shige,” Ryo mutters painfully, and it hurts, physically hurts, to hear Ryo like that.
And then Ryo’s right next to him, lips pressed tightly against his. Shige feels a hand curl around the nape of his neck, and the only thing his mind can come up with is ‘damn this feels good.’ Ryo uses just enough pressure that the kiss is urgent but not demanding. The palm of Ryo’s hand is warm against Shige’s skin, and he feels his own arm wind around Ryo’s back and clutch on to his t-shirt.
“Ryo,” Shige breathes into the kiss, and he can almost see the flush across Ryo’s face even though his eyes are shut tight.
Ryo shifts slightly, and Shige leans forward a bit to keep the contact. Ryo’s lips trail along Shige’s jaw line, dotting the skin with tiny, wet kisses. Ryo’s fingers start playing with the hair at the nape of Shige’s neck. Shige thinks it should be too much to feel at one time, but somehow his body is keeping up, registering the smell and taste and aura around him. Ryo comes back to Shige’s mouth, and just as Ryo runs his tongue across his bottom lip, Shige gets a sudden flash of Aya in his mind. Aya leant over a book, chewing on the end of her pen. Aya smiling and giggling. Aya, Aya, Aya, and it all starts to feel wrong.
“Ryo,” this time with urgency, and Ryo pulls away, a dazed look in his eye.
“Ryo, I have a girlfriend.”
Ryo jolts back like he’s been bitten, though Shige reasons it can’t be much of a shock seeing as they’d met. Before his very eyes, Ryo seems to shrink, retreating to the other side of the couch, eyes fixed on his lap, fingers fidgeting with the cushion cover.
“Yeah,” he murmurs, “I remember her.”
“Well then what are we doing?” Shige asks, but even he knows it’s a stupid question.
“Shige,” Ryo says, his voice taking on an almost begging tone, “Shige, I love you.”
Those words are like a punch in Shige’s gut. He’d never even contemplated that idea. Love. Being in love with Ryo. The idea seems strange and foreign and very, very confusing.
“I love…I mean…I’m in love with Aya,” Shige says.
Ryo doesn’t look up, and Shige’s glad because he doesn’t think he can handle this situation if he has to watch all the torture flicker across Ryo’s face.
“Ryo…look…I…we…”
But Ryo cuts him off, and again Shige’s glad. He has absolutely no idea what he’s saying.
“It’s fine,” Ryo whispers (it doesn’t even sound like Ryo anymore), “I knew that. About her. I don’t have any expectations so don’t worry about it.”
Shige is at a complete loss for words. He has the vague desire to comfort Ryo, but the rational side of his mind tells him that would only make things worse.
“Ryo…”
“Can you just leave, Shige,” Ryo pleads, and Shige can hear his voice crack and break like he’s holding back tears, “Sorry for being rude…”
But Shige’s already up and heading toward the genkan. As he slips on his shoes, he thinks he can hear a muffled sob, but he really hopes it’s his imagination. He leaves and closes the door behind him, acutely aware of everything he’s leaving behind by doing so.
Next Part