In which Nino amuses himself at a barbeque.
Oneshot: 3214wc
Rating: Close to a pg-13...(for suggestive themes, and language 'in a nighttime tele sort of way~')
Pairings: Ohmiya, Sakuraiba, and...a bit Matsumiya?
Genre: Comedy, fluff, crack, and shish kabobs.
Summary: Arashi has gathered for a barbeque, but someone gets a bit bored...
DC: I don't own Arashi, or even the grill they use in this fic. Please stop reading the moment this fic becomes too lame or otherwise unsuited to your tastes. At no time should this fic be taken seriously, the characters for their real life counterparts, or with other prescribed medicines. Do not operate heavy machinery for three days after reading this fic. May cause dizziness, swelling, and an appetite for barbeque foods.
Note: Um, yeah, back to my normal(?) stuff...and happy late b-day to my L-chan! (Sorry, I just couldn't make it in time ;___;)
‘This barbeque is entirely too calm.’ Ninomiya Kazunari decided, munching on a slice of watermelon.
As he helped himself to the bowl of melon on the counter, Nino watched his band mates slave over dinner. Jun was helping Ohno tend the grill out on the veranda, while Aiba and Sho cut and assembled the various ingredients of shish kabobs in the kitchen. It was all too serene for Nino’s liking. Or rather, too serene for Nino’s entertainment.
Nino knew several ways to amend this. Ways named Jun, Sho, Aiba, and Ohno.
Nino’s eyes fell on the most gullible member, and a devilish smirk ghosted across his face.
The glass sliding door to the veranda opened. “Oy! Sho! The fire’s ready!” Called Jun.
“Okay!” Sho shouted back, as Jun closed the door. “What should we put on first?”
“Here! Take these out!” Eagerly, Aiba handed Sho a plate of finished shish kabobs. “Hurry, before they get cold!”
Sho merely blinked at Aiba’s last sentence of nonsense, before heading out to the grill.
Once the door was securely shut, Nino made his move. He pushed the bowl of fruit to Aiba’s end of the counter. “Have some watermelon.”
“Ah, thanks. Don’t mind if I do.” After wiping his hands on a towel, Aiba selected a large slice. “Mmm…tastes like summer.” Aiba giggled, before spitting a few black seeds into the trash.
“Aiba….do you still believe that rumor that swallowing watermelon seeds makes watermelons grow in your stomach?” Nino asked, conversationally.
“Mm, yeah…I think it happened to me once…when I was little.” Aiba looked down at his stomach, pensively.
“So you believe it?” Inquired Nino.
“Yep.” Aiba tossed the finished rind in the trash, and began on another piece.
“Well you know that theory works for other seeds.”
“It does?”
“Sure it does. Like the human seed.”
“People don’t have….“ This took Aiba a minute to comprehend, before he grinned naughtily. “Oh! No way…you mean?” And Aiba pointed to his pants.
Nino nodded, significantly. “I’ll let you in on a secret.” Nino leaned forward, as if the words would get lost in the two foot gap. “If you eat a raw chicken egg…and then suck someone off…you’ll get pregnant.”
Aiba’s eyes widened. “Even…even for men?”
“Well, its harder, ‘cause we’re guys and all, and its why you have to eat the egg first. You have to drink just about all of it too, but even then it might not work. Its like artificial insemination.”
Aiba, mouth agape, scratched the back of his head. “But…I don’t think guys can get pregnant…I mean…where’s the baby gonna come out?”
“In surgery, like a C section or something.” Informed Nino, with a shrug. He wondered if Aiba would think about the impossible genetics involved in crossing an infertile chicken egg, with human sperm, in the hostile environment of the stomach.
“Maybe it will work…” Pondered Aiba. Nino had to hide his grin with his hand.
Just then Sho came back with an empty plate. “The first round will be ready shortly guys.”
Nino watched Aiba…who was staring at Sho with a new wonder glinting in his eyes. The kind of glint often seen before Aiba performs absurd, poorly thought out, and hilarious experiments. Sure enough, Aiba suddenly bounded for the fridge, and after a moment, the crack and shatter of an egg shell was heard.
“Masaki, what are you doing?” Sho gasped in shock, as Aiba forced himself with a great display of will power, to swallow the raw egg. “You’re going to give yourself salmonella!”
“Bleeeaaahhh.” Aiba coughed, wiping his mouth, before snagging Sho‘s hand. “Okay, lets go!”
“What are you talking about? What’s got into you all the sudden? We can’t do this right now… I’ve still got to make more food!” Sho’s voice became fainter, and less forceful, as Aiba pulled them into the bedroom, down the hall.
Nino chuckled softly, helping himself to another piece of watermelon, catching a few passionate moans seconds after the bedroom door closed.
Not even a minute after the sounds of ecstasy began in the bedroom, Jun, the party pooper, opened the veranda door again. “Hey, were did everyone go? The food’s almost ready.”
“Sho and Aiba are otherwise engaged at the moment.” Nino reported, innocently, but Jun took the hint, disgusted.
“God, and we’re about to eat….” Calling over his shoulder to Ohno, who was rotating the shish kabobs on the grill, Jun walked through the door. “I’ll be back, Riida, looks like I’ve got to take over in the kitchen.
Ohno merely nodded, too focused on grilling the meat to perfection to know or care what became of his useless assistant.
Jun sauntered to the kitchen, and picked up assembling the shish kabobs and other barbeque foods that Aiba and Sho had abandoned. “Can’t they keep it in their pants for a few minutes?” He mumbled while hacking a potato into chunks. “And you!” He looked up to Nino, who was nibbling on a chunk of honeydew.
“What about me?”
“What have you done to help with dinner?” Demanded Jun, addressing Nino with the business end of the knife.
“I’m helping by staying out of the way.” Nino explained, staring at the knife‘s point, perilously close to his chin. When Jun didn’t move or respond, Nino looked up, expectantly.
Jun was staring at him, unblinkingly.
Really staring.
‘Maybe it's just his new irritated face,’ Nino thought, looking away quickly. Nino briefly considered how he could use Jun’s current state to his advantage, but decided that Jun was better saved for last. It was dangerous, teasing or pranking Jun. Nino always felt like he was adding gun powder to a fire work…add to little and nothing will happen, to much and the firework will explode in your face. Either way, it was a one time shot. So Nino always treated Jun as a special challenge, a treat really, where he could feel the rush and adrenaline of pushing Jun’s buttons, unsure of when he‘d cross the uncross-able line.
Nino excused himself from the kitchen, and Jun’s unnerving gaze, and headed for the veranda.
As he opened the sliding door, shouts suddenly rang through the house.
“Spit it out, Masaki! Don’t drink it like that! Spit it out!”
“So gross.” Grumbled Jun in the kitchen.
Closing the door behind him, Nino grinned triumphantly, as he slinked up to Ohno’s side.
“Oh-chan.” Nino greeted, unnecessarily, as his hand had slipped into Ohno’s back pocket with a signature squeeze.
“Mm.” Ohno grunted, removing a shish kabob to test it’s doneness with his thumb and fore finger. “Another minute or two I think…” But he didn’t return the skewer to the grill, and ate the cherry tomato at the end. “Its good.” He evaluated, though no one had asked.
As Nino rubbed the small of Ohno’s back, he debated the best way to get amusement from Ohno. Physically was always fun. He could just push Ohno against that glass door, and show Jun something to really be disturbed about, but then….Nino had done that at the last barbeque…and he didn’t fancy having to pay for another replacement door.
Mentally, Nino concluded, would be the best route for today.
Ohno was chewing on a chunk of green pepper, when Nino forced the serving plate into his hands.
“Hold that while I stack these on there.” Instructed Nino, as he removed the food from the grill with a pair of tongs.
“Mm.” Said Ohno around a chunk of potato, holding the plate out for Nino.
“So Oh-chan,” Nino began, as he stacked the shish kabobs. “Can I ask your advice on something?”
“Eh? Me?…You should probably ask Sho, or Jun…”
“No it has to be you.”
Ohno blushed, pleased that his word seemed so valuable to Nino. “Oh…are you sure? I don’t-”
“Yes, now just listen. I have this friend, who’s cousin’s brother was recently arrested for indecent exposure. He wasn’t a flasher or anything, and really, he didn’t show that much skin-”
“Wait, your brother’s cousin’s friend? I thought you had a sister…” Ohno frowned, trying to remember.
“Yes, I have a sister, but this isn’t my brother, but that of my friend’s cousin.” With his free hand, Nino pulled off and ate a sweet onion from the shish kabob Ohno was working on.
“Your cousin’s friends brother?” Ohno hadn’t noticed the theft in his confusion.
“No, my friend’s cousin’s brother.” Nino removed a chunk of steak, and briefly enjoyed its flavor, before stealing a tomato.
“Friend’s cousin’s brother, got it.” Ohno seemed determined to help Nino, so determined he hadn’t noticed half of his shish kabob was in the wrong stomach.
“So this guy, was arrested for indecent exposure-”
“What’s that again?” Ohno puzzled.
“Showing to much skin in public, Oh-chan.”
“But we do that all the time…we get paid to do that…I didn’t know it was illegal…there have been posters of me primarily naked in the subway station!” Gasped Ohno, utterly bewildered as he learned he could go to jail for modeling underwear. Nino was trying not to choke on a piece of potato as he contained his laughter.
“That’s what I wanted to ask you, Oh-chan. Why is it okay for handsome people like us to go around half naked, but not my friend’s cousin’s brother?”
“…I don’t know.” Ohno blinked, eyebrows knitted, lips slightly pouting… obviously very confused, and probably slightly afraid of getting in trouble with the police again.
“Oh…I thought you’d be able to help…” Sighed Nino, regretfully.
“I’m sorry, Kazu….” Ohno looked devastated that he couldn’t live up to his role as leader once again. Ohno felt that Nino had even sought him out exclusively to help his sister’s nephew’s boss. Uncle’s mom’s friend? Or was it cousin’s brother’s daughter?
The absolute distress fighting with maximum perplexity on Ohno’s face was too much for Nino, who gently kissed Ohno’s cheek. “It’s okay, I’m sure he’ll work it out on his own. Thanks anyway.” And Nino returned to the kitchen, with a plate full of shish kabobs, and a wide, satisfied smile.
Ohno, still very confused and disappointed in himself, felt the lightly moist spot on his cheek with a small smile, before he noticed that he was holding an empty skewer. He looked about himself and the grill for the abducted food, before following Nino into the house, more baffled then ever.
Jun was setting a salad on the table, when Ohno and Nino returned. When Nino’s gaze met Jun’s, the strange feeling came over Nino again. Like there was something Jun wanted from Nino.
With an internal shudder, Nino set the plate of shish kabobs on the table. After grabbing a chilled can of beer from the fridge, Ohno took his place at the head of the table.
“Would you go tell Aiba and Sho dinner’s ready?” Nino asked Jun, as the shorter man sat at Ohno‘s right side.
Complaining loudly about always being forced to do the undesirable dirty tasks, Jun disappeared down the hall to the bedroom.
Nino thought there was to much distance between himself and Ohno, and scooted closer until they were almost elbow to elbow. This was more to make it easier to force the dieting Ohno to eat things, then because Nino wanted to be near Ohno, of course.
Jun returned shortly, with the air of one who had to take out some particularly nasty trash, with a red faced Sho, and Aiba in tow.
They sat about the table, and helped themselves to the food.
“It all tastes the same…“ Aiba wailed, poking at the selection on his plate. “I think Sho broke my taste buds…”
Sho coughed something that sounded like ‘I tried to stop you’, and at the zenith of embarrassment, decided to regale the table with some dry news story or other.
But Nino wasn’t paying much attention.
Jun kept staring at him.
And Jun would lean towards Nino every now and then, as if he had something he wanted to say, but couldn’t.
So Nino made an excuse to leave the table quickly, and after grabbing a plate of uncooked shish kabobs, headed out to the grill once again.
‘Aiba and Sho were a success,’ Nino thought, as he rotated the skewers. ‘Their faces at the table were priceless. And Oh-chan’s was good too…I shouldn’t have eaten his food though…as fun as it was…I’m tired of poking myself on his ribs…but what should I try on Jun?…Hmmm…’
“Psst, Nino!” Aiba whispered, closing the veranda door. “I just noticed something!”
“What, you’re pregnant?” Nino laughed, and Aiba grinned.
“No, not that…but Matsujun…” Aiba pointed, rather rudely, through the glass at the youngest member, who would look up at Nino every so often.
“What about him?” Nino shrugged, pretending not to have noticed the new apple of Jun’s eye.
“I think he likes you!” Squealed Aiba, with all the energy of a third grader.
“What? Think before you talk, Aiba. You know that’s not possible.” Nino couldn’t help the coldness creeping into his toes, as he thought about the prospect. Aiba did have a knack for this kind of thing…what if…
“Okay, but I’m telling you when someone looks at you like this…” Aiba batted his eyelashes, slowly, and seductively. “…it means they like you.”
“Just go back inside!” Nino pushed Aiba back to the door.
“Fine, fine…we’ll just see who’s bed you’re in tonight-”
“AIBA!” Nino warned.
“Okay…I get it.” And Aiba was back inside, safely behind the glass. Though safely was relative to Nino’s temper level.
Nino didn’t need to look though, to know that Jun was still staring at him. It made his stomach curl uncomfortably, as those eyes bored into him.
Perhaps Aiba was right…there could be no other reason behind that penetrating gaze.
Could it be?
That Matsumoto Jun…the Matsumoto Jun…
Was in love with Nino?
He let the shish kabobs cook until they were fairly close to burning, as he dreaded returning to that room, and close proximity to Jun. But he couldn’t put it off forever, thus returned to the torture chamber heavy hearted.
“More food.” Announced Nino, needlessly, as he set the plate on the table.
There it was again. It felt like Jun was undressing Nino with his eyes…Nino met the gaze steadily, seeking the true motivation behind the attention. After a few seconds, Jun suddenly looked away, scratching his nose as his Adam’s apple trembled in a dry swallow.
Nino froze.
Friends…don’t look at friends like that.
Rubbing his forehead, Nino made for the kitchen invisibly amongst idle chatter.
He could hear the blood pounding in his ears, which made no sense because it felt as if every drop of blood had drained from his body.
‘How could this have happened? I mean, I know I’m attractive, but I’m not his type at all…and I always thought he liked Oh-chan…”
As Nino mused in the kitchen, he failed to notice Ohno depart for the toilet, and a shared significant glance between Jun, Sho and Aiba once their leader was safely gone.
“I can’t take it anymore!” Jun shouted from the table. “Get over here, Nino!”
“Eh-eh?” Nino stuttered, woken from his daze. “I’m not hungry…so don’t mind me.”
“This isn’t about food.” Jun stood, throwing his naked skewer on the table, rather dangerously, before he approached Nino in the kitchen. “If you won’t come to me, then fine. I’ll go to you.”
Nino swallowed, hoping the panic burning stronger in the back of his throat with each step of Jun’s was unfounded. He hadn’t even noticed he was backing into the corner of the kitchen before it was too late.
“I’m sorry, Nino, but I can’t take it anymore. It’s been driving me crazy.” To his horror, Nino was grabbed roughly about the arms by Sho and Aiba, who were grinning as if in on a secret.
“Jun, stop!” Desperately, Nino cried, trying or throw off Aiba’s and Sho’s grip to no avail. “Let me go damn it! I can’t…I don’t like you like that, and I love Oh-chan, and I really can’t…god just don’t kiss me!”
“Shut up, and hold still, this will only take a second.” Nino screwed his eyes shut, hoping against hope that Jun wouldn’t use his tongue.
There was a sudden prick on his chin before Nino was released, and Jun backed away.
“What the hell was that?!” Nino demanded, fury unleashed. “You don’t just do that to a person! Even if-” Nino stopped, as he saw incredibly smug grins on three faces.
Jun held out a pair of tweezers. “You had this nasty hair growing out that mole on your chin. It’s been driving me crazy all day…I mean, are you an idol or aren’t you?”
“Wh-what? That’s it? You‘re not….” Nino stopped and rounded on Aiba, who along with Sho, had conveniently disappeared. “Those bastards…”
Jun was laughing, “In love with you? Is that what you were going to say? Well aren’t you full of yourself?” Jun tossed the tweezers on the counter, before he laughed his way to the veranda, to extinguish the grill.
Nino just kind of stood still for a moment, as it dawned on him that he had been played by Aiba, Sho and probably Jun. He was just glad that Ohno didn’t see…
His heart skipped a beat when Nino saw that Ohno was leaning against the kitchen wall, with the expression of one who had seen a fairly good show.
“You didn’t see….” Nino jerked his thumb in the direction of the veranda.
Ohno nodded, with a smile, and Nino scowled.
“So you were in on that too?”
“No, I just saw a bit of the end, after I came out of the bathroom.” Ohno walked over to Nino and put his arm around the younger man’s waist. “I liked what I saw though.”
Nino threw off the arm, both cross and embarrassed. “What, you’re laughing at me too?”
“Nope. I just liked it when you said you loved me and not Jun.” Ohno put his arm around Nino’s waist again, and this time it was allowed to stay. “I don’t really care about the rest.”
“Oh, well in that case…” Nino brought his lips to Ohno’s, followed shortly by his tongue. When the yeasty flavor of beer meet his tongue, Nino would have backed off, except he’d come to like the way it made Ohno taste.
“I hope you ate your egg first, Riida.” Sho sneered, as he and a giggling Aiba passed the kitchen holding hands, to join Jun on the veranda.
“I’m supposed to eat an egg?” Ohno blinked at Nino.
“No. Tch…I knew it, those bastards set me up…”
“Well…do you think you deserved it?” Ohno asked, unknowingly.
“No.” Nino snorted through his nose, but Ohno sighed, guessing at the truth.
“I’m not sure what happened, but regardless of who set who up, isn’t just better to let bygones be bygones?”
Nino ruffled Ohno’s hair, “Not in this world, Oh-chan.”
“Hm…”
As Nino led them to the bedroom he cast a last gaze at the porch, where Aiba was playing with Sho’s hands, while the three held an engaging conversation.
Nino wasn’t about to let the bygones rest so easily, as he wasn’t quite done with them yet.
At least, not until Nino got even.