Kind of a Big Deal
Title: Kind of a Big Deal
Author: helenmaldon
Length: one-shot, 1500 words
Pairing: Sakumoto (others?)
Rating: R (for language)
Genre: CRACK. Complete nonsense.
Summary: Sho and Jun are news anchors who really need to work on their banter.
“…and the assailant claimed that he was, in fact, only trying to open his umbrella.” Anchorman Matsumoto Jun turned to Camera 2 with a confident smile, “And speaking of umbrellas, several inches of rain are predicted for this weekend. Let’s go to Storm Team meteorologist Aiba Masaki for more on what this means for your weekend. Aiba, how are festivalgoers responding to the reports of rain?”
“…”
“Aiba? Aiba, are you there?”
Aiba’s face popped into the corner of the screen, “I’m here, Jun!”
“…do you have festivalgoers to interview?”
“No, Jun, I don’t!”
“…do you having any news for us, Aiba?”
“Yes I do, Jun!” Aiba lifted a bedraggled puppy into the shot, “While looking for festivalgoers to interview, I saw this puppy trapped in a storm drain! Let’s make him our Storm Team mascot!”
“Great work, Aiba. Now let’s check back in with Sakurai Sho for further developments in the mayor’s election scandal.”
*
“….in conclusion, Matsumoto, sources suggest that several high-ranking members of the mayor’s staff may soon face prosecution.”
“Thank you, Sakurai. Excellent reporting as usual.”
“Thank you, Matsumoto, And may I say that I particularly enjoy the tie that you’ve selected today.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“Shit! He’s freezing up again! For fuck’s sake, Ohno, stop zooming in on his face! Throw back to Aiba, throw to Aiba!”
The face of the bedraggled puppy filled the screen. Aiba moved the tiny paw up and down, “Have a good weekend, everyone! If you see a lost little puppy like me, be sure to give him lots of love!”
“Cut,” Nino hissed.
The soundstage was silent as the director ripped off his headset and threw down his clipboard, the crash echoing through the studio. The staff was in awe of how much rage their director’s tiny body could contain. Finally, he raised a trembling finger in Jun’s direction, “Storm Team meeting tonight. As soon as the other idiots get back. And that includes you, Ohno,” he glared in the direction of the cameraman.
Ohno zoomed in closer for a better look at the mole on Nino’s chin.
*
Nino paced in front of his desk, glowering at the assembled team. He stopped in front of Jun, slamming a hand against his desk. Aiba (and the puppy he was holding) whimpered.
“Are you a man, Jun?” the director’s voice was dangerously quiet. “Are you an anchorman? Because I’ll tell you, Jun, in spite of your carefully tousled hair, you don’t look much like an anchorman to me. What you look like out there is a fucking goldfish!”
“Nino, that’s not fair,” Sho intervened, “I went off script and…”
“Off script? You went off script?? It’s called banter, Sho, and it’s why we have two anchors. So that the audience can enjoy some goddamn friendly conversation, and we can all feel warm and fuzzy like we’re all just one big happy fucking family!” Nino was turning red; Jun, Aiba, and Ohno braced themselves for the shouting.
“I thought,” Jun replied stiffly, “that I was a journalist. Not an entertainer.”
Nino barked out a laugh, “Go ahead, then, be a journalist! Be my guest, Jun! Meanwhile,” the director’s voice steadily increased in volume as he continued, “we’re getting crushed in the ratings by public television. Public television, Jun! The channel that broadcasts physics classes from the local community college! Is that what you want, Jun? After everything I’ve done for you? For me to be humiliated by a bunch of puppets and college professors??” Nino’s rage had reached its zenith; the Storm Team felt relieved, as after the shouting about public television the director would usually start to calm down.
“Nino…I mean…that is to say, public television does play a valuable role in elevating the level of community discourse, and if we don’t support that kind of programming then….” Sho trailed off weakly at the icy look in Nino’s eyes; Sho was new to the Storm Team and didn’t realize that it was impossible to convince Nino of the cultural value of public television.
“All I can say,” Nino continued as though Sho hadn’t spoken, “is thank god for this idiot,” he jabbed a finger in Aiba’s direction, “because our numbers go through the roof every time his face is on screen. Good work, Masaki.”
“Yay!” cried Aiba, raising the puppy’s paw into a tiny fist pump.
“So if you don’t shape up, Jun,” the director continued, a dangerous glint in his eye, “I’m putting Aiba in the anchor chair and you’re back to covering kitty fashion shows.”
“That report was the highest rated segment of 2010,” Jun muttered.
Nino seemed to pass through a paroxysm of silent rage, then his body went limp, “Right, everyone out, you’re all giving me heartburn. And if I don’t see some cheerful, heartwarming camaraderie from the two of you on screen tomorrow, then both your asses are on the line. Not you, Ohno,” Nino hissed as the cameraman tried to follow the rest of the Storm Team out of the office.
Ohno returned to his chair, gazing up at Nino impassively.
Nino sat on his desk, dropping his head into his hands, “For the last time, Satoshi, will you please stop zooming in on Jun’s face every time Sho speaks to him and he looks like he’s choking on a pretzel?”
Ohno shrugged.
“And why do you keep cutting back and forth between their faces when no one is saying anything?”
Ohno scratched his nose. “It’s interesting,” he finally offered. “Their expressions, I mean,” he clarified.
“Okay,” Nino sighed helplessly, “you’re dismissed.”
*
“Great report, Sakurai. Those CPR classes are a valuable resource for the community.”
“They certainly are, Matsumoto. I’m proud to say that I’m now CPR certified.”
“Well perhaps you can give me an extended demonstration of your skills later this evening.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“Goddamn it, Ohno, stop cutting back and forth!!! Aiba, go to Aiba!!!!”
Ohno swiveled the camera to find Aiba, who was standing in front of the Storm Team Weather Center green screen. He was gaping, “Jun, did you just say that you wanted Sho to kiss you later tonight?”
“Fuck it, go to commercial!”
*
“I told you to banter!! Not to sexually harrass him on air!!!” The director was so enraged that Ohno actually reached out a hand in an attempt to calm him, placing it gently on his knee.
Jun had turned red, “I didn’t…what I meant to say was that…training…me…also…”
“This is my fault, Nino, I don’t know why but I choked, don’t blame Matsumoto he was just trying to…”
“Are you guys in love?” Aiba inquired excitedly.
Jun bolted from the room; Sho was close behind him, “Matsumoto, wait!”
Nino was so hoarse from shouting that he had to whisper his next words, “Ohno, you’ve got the hair of a natural-born anchorman. I’m thinking of re-tooling the show completely and putting the two of you in front of the camera. Go ahead and show me what kind of chemistry you’ve got. Pretend you’re doing a report on this weekend’s weather,” Nino commanded.
Aiba smiled in Ohno’s direction, “They say it might rain this weekend.”
Ohno smiled back, “Hmmm.”
Aiba’s smile widened.
Ohno beamed.
Aiba beamed.
Nino snapped the pencil he was holding in half.
*
Sho found Jun in the makeup room. Jun was standing with his back to the door, his hands clenched at his sides.
Sho approached the tense back timidly, “Matsumoto…I’m sorry…I should have said something when…”
Jun shook his head, “No, it’s my fault. You’re an amazing reporter, Sakurai. I’m sorry that you have to work with someone so…unprofessional.” Jun’s voice trembled.
Sho’s hand hovered over Jun’s shoulder for a moment; he bit his lip and then lowered it. “Matsu…J…Jun…” he stuttered.
Jun’s shoulder twitched.
Sho took a deep breath, “Did you…mean it?”
Jun turned around. “What?” he asked softly.
“Did you…and me…certification…?”
“CPR…?” Jun mumbled, looking confused.
“Because…if you wanted…I could still…teach you…” Sho breathed, before grabbing Jun by the neck and pressing their lips together.
*
“…in conclusion, it seems that the tango is here to stay. You’ve taken a few tango lessons yourself, haven’t you Matsumoto?”
“Just a few in college, Sakurai.”
Sho’s voice dropped an octave as he continued, “Well, we’re all hoping for a demonstration at the office Christmas party.”
Ohno zoomed in as Jun’s color deepened and his voice grew softer. “That depends on whether I find the right partner,” he smirked.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Sho winked.
The two men turned back to Camera 2, both smiling brightly, “That’s it for the news, folks, be sure to stick around for the premiere of our very own Aiba’s and Ohno’s Amazing Fishing Adventure,” Sho enthused.
“Cut.”
Jun and Sho rolled their chairs closer together, talking softly as the staff began breaking down the set.
Ohno turned his camera in Nino’s direction; the director was chewing on his pencil thoughtfully. Nino caught his stare. He shrugged, “Well, it’s still obscene, but at least now they’re bantering. They say the only bad air is dead air.”
Ohno zoomed in on Nino’s mouth.
“You stopped listening after I said the word "obscene," didn’t you?”
Ohno nodded, switching off the camera.
Author's note: Lately, I have been fascinated by how awkward Sho and Jun are with each other. But that is still no excuse for this xD