incoherent ramblings
Lately my mind has been all over the place. My thoughts are scattered and erratic and fragmented. They jump. And I wonder what is really on my mind... that it needs such heavy protection from my coherent thought process.
My dreams are no help. I have been dreaming very heavily for nearly two months now. And while I enjoy dreaming, I am a lucid dreamer. So my dreams only reveal so much. My dreams do indicate that I either don't know who my friends are or that I have false friends. There are also a lot of indicators of fears and obstacles.
I wonder which of my friends will come to my funeral. Will I surprise my family by having lots of friends attend or will my funeral reflect my daily life? Will my funeral, left in the hands of my family, reflect me?
What music will they play? Will they think to use my playlists? Who amongst all the people I know will know what music I would choose? Does anyone know why one of the playlist titles is Rococco Red?
Will anyone know my passwords? Will my accounts remain open without anyone knowing my passwords?
Will anyone want something of mine to remember me by? Will anyone guess which things mean the most to me?
How do I share these thoughts with people? Does anyone even care? Does it matter it they don't? My mind is chaos. My thoughts drift to the warm feel of blood flowing over the skin. How thin the surface of the skin. How easily it rips and tears under the pressure of my nails. The itching and tingling of my skin...
The overwhelming desire to take a vacation from the pain of living. To sleep without the responsibility of waking. Not death, just sleep.