[180605] wonder

[arawindy]

I'm starting to wonder if this journal has become a regular three-yearly report on my mental state, judging from the frequency of my posts.

Buset, ngepost di blog apa namatin sekolah? Kok, tiga tahunan? Dua-duanya, alhamdulillah.

One post in 2012, another in 2015, and finally, now that I've finished high school I decided that I am jobless enough to make time for this abandoned journal (I'm kind of skeptical to even call it that--since 'abandoned' means something had to be taken care of at some point during its existence, which is not really the case for this journal).

Since the whole 'report on my mental state' theme has been shaping itself up until this point, I will do exactly that.

1. I am still the equivalent of trash, which is kind of disappointing.


2. This piece of trash learnt a lot of values from many different people, so at least it's the-same-but-with-better-morals-trash.


3. Life has been both kind and cruel, which is nothing new.


4. Ce monde est une tempête, and at this point I haven't really found the answer on how to maneuver through that.


5. Bangtan and pop culture are telling me that it's okay, but I don't think it is.


6. I'm wondering of what I can do to make me feel worthy enough to exist. Making money? Making new friends? Learning new skills? Pray a lot? Brutal studying? Communicating? Implementing zuhud; qanaah? What if, say, we've done all that and the void is still there? Is it not enough? Or, is it a feeling we should live with?

Being eighteen years old is far from what I depicted when I was younger, and the biggest shock lies in the realization of how incapable I am of some things. Showing signs of low self-esteem, having no excitement for life, and constant self-blaming are defaults--it's borderline cowardly, I must say--but most of the time I put it aside and consider it the usual depressive agenda of young people these days (millenials, gen z, whatever). Maybe it's not something I could put aside and shift my focus away from, maybe I should just do exactly that since it's just my loser self manifestating itself. Maybe, ideally, I should not even have time to think about that--since I am supposed to be busy doing something productive. I don't know. It might be just me, since I know for sure that some people have the privilege to have enough resources to not feel familiar of any of those, but I also know for sure that I am privileged enough to even think about this. Many are more desperate, I believe, but many are less sad; more grateful; more shrewd in facing it.

Society these days needs you to be always on the move. It's a crime not to be busy. It's a crime not to be happy (I'm referring to Paramore's new release 'Rose-Colored Boy'. I'm not sure if I can get my message across, but, uhh). Do we just jump on the bandwagon and try to adapt as much as we can? Should we just stay being ourselves and wait for opportunities to come? Is this natural selection coming for the weak? Do you have answers? Do you mind if you share your answers with me? Do we really need answers, or do we just keep going on even if everything's vague? Am I the problem? Is it easier to just disappear? Yes? Yeah, for that last one. A hundred points for illogical conclusion.

Aside of the constant stress and crisis of course there are good things to even it out. Like, the overwhelming amount of new opportunities and new knowledge to learn about. New movie releases. New music. Pop culture. A whole history to dig about. Technology. New people to observe. New stories. New places to visit.

Is that it?

Anyway, other than wondering about how I can feel worthy enough to exist, the title of this post comes from the intro of Bangtan's not-yet-released installment of their Love Yourselfseries: Wonder. I think Bighit has all the right to make 'healing through music' or something along that line as their slogan/tag line. They do have that effect--that genuine message in their works. Maybe I'll do an analysis post on why their music means a lot. Sometime. But for now, have this 8D audio of the intro for Love Yourself: Wonder.