A Thousand Suns (4/4)
Fandom: Stargate:Aquarium Atlantis
Title: A Thousand Suns (4/4)
Author: arby_m
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard, implied Sheppard/Dex/Caldwell
Rating: R
Spoilers: through Trinity
Warnings: sap
Length: 1621 words
Disclaimer: Still don't own 'em.
Summary: In which events come to a satisfying conclusion. Chapter 1 is here, Chapter 2 is here and Chapter 3 is here.
Note: A thousand apologies to whoever it was who made the comparison between Rodney in "Trinity" and Siva - I can't remember who you are for the life of me. If perchance you read this, please comment so I can give you the credit.
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There was a long, terrible moment that seemed to go on forever, while Rodney was falling to his certain death in this infernal pit, when his whole life really did seem to flash before his eyes. He saw his lonely, brilliant childhood, the awkward horror of his teenage years, the excitement of various college experiments (both in and out of the classroom), his professional life before Atlantis (so many long nights in the lab), the missions, fear, danger and reluctant heroics of his time at Atlantis, the brief shining moments of happiness with Sheppard, and the last few weeks of depression and anger. The constant, he saw in a flash, was that he was alone. A few friends, here and there, but mostly alone. Yes, he had done a lot of work, most of it brilliant, but in terms of human interaction his life didn’t even add up to a hill of beans. He wished devoutly that he had made up with Sheppard before he died. To go out knowing that someone loved you - that would have been something. And then he hit the bottom and everything went black.
* * * * *
He dreamed himself Shiva, destroyer of worlds. He'd never believed any of that religious claptrap, but a girlfriend in college had been an Eastern religions major, and in the brief time they were together she talked a lot about Hinduism. He waved his hand to start Arcturus and a whole galaxy died this time - a thousand suns winked out like the stars they were, leaving only dust behind. Each one had worlds circling around it; he saw people living on them, huts and crude civilizations, turned into so many motes in his eye. He saw himself destroying his relationships over and over - before it always seemed that the other had turned away, but now he saw with such heartbreaking clarity the hundreds of little things he had done that blew away the worlds they were trying to build, the satellites of their planets locked in orbit around him, and how he spun them off into the vacuum of space, leaving him empty and alone, the center of his own universe. And then he saw how the tie between himself and John was stretched thin but not yet broken, how very fragile it was and how without tending it would break. In the dream he wept for the preciousness of it, almost lost. And then in the dream he realized that if he could dream, if he could cry, he must be alive. The realization was so profound that it woke him up.
Rodney opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was John, sleeping in a chair next to his bed. He held Rodney’s hand as he slept. Rodney’s entire body ached, and his cheeks were wet with tears, but he was smiling.
“I’m alive,” he said to himself.
John opened his eyes. The look of utter disbelief on his face was comical, so Rodney laughed.
“You bastard!” John was trying to be mad but couldn’t disguise his own happiness. “Don’t you ever do that to me again - you idiot!”
“Well, that’ll teach you to take me on dangerous jungle missions!” Rodney was almost giggling.
John ignored that. “I really thought I’d lost you.”
“So did I. I mean, I thought I was dead, too.” John looked slightly askance at that. “I thought I was going to die without making up with you, and it… I couldn’t bear it.” He was almost crying again, just saying it.
“Me either - I was so upset when I thought I’d lost you, I was going to forgive you for everything, if only you’d wake up.” John’s eyes were bright with tears.
“But we shouldn’t just get back together as if nothing happened just because I almost died. Radek was right.” John’s look said oookay, but he made a ‘go on’ motion. “Not dealing with the consequences of my behavior merely allows me to continue it. One thing I realized during my near-death experience,” John stopped himself from laughing out loud just in time when he saw Rodney was completely serious, “is that I’ve always ruined the things I love. Every time I even came close to having a real relationship, I would do something to drive the other person away. Never consciously realized it, of course, just assumed that there was something wrong with them, not me. And-and-and the thing is, I know Arcturus was a thing like that. But I need to understand exactly what went wrong there. And I think you probably need to get it off your chest.”
“Wow. That shows a lot of insight into human interaction for you, Rodney. I really mean that, not being condescending. You’re right, I do need to get it off my chest, or it’s going to come back to haunt us later. So here it is in a nutshell: when Elizabeth said No to you about trying the test again, you made an end run around her - you used me and our relationship to get what you wanted. It wasn’t so much that you couldn’t pull it off after you swore up and down that you could - it was the calculated way you took advantage of my trust, of us, to get a second chance. And then you nearly killed us both because you couldn’t let go and admit you were wrong! It turned into an ego thing with you. I know you have the world’s biggest ego - it’s something that I often find endearing about you, God only knows why - but Arcturus wasn’t just another experiment, it was about proving you were the smartest, you were going to win the Nobel prize. And to that end you would have thrown everything away. That’s why I was mad about Arcturus. And then when I thought about it, I realized that what happened there was a big warning sign to me that you didn’t have the respect for other people that needed to be there before I could be in a serious relationship with you.”
Rodney stared at him for a long minute and said nothing. John could see the comprehension dawning in his eyes. He didn’t feel the usual satisfaction he would have in rendering Rodney speechless. Then Rodney nodded.
“Yeah… I can see why you would be mad about that. I didn’t set out to do that - not consciously at least - but that was a really shitty thing to do. God, I’m so sorry. It wasn’t worth it - I did want to prove something, I felt it was such a huge discovery - and yes, I did want the credit for figuring it out - but nothing is worth losing you. You.. you’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long, long time. I wouldn’t trade you for 50 Nobel prizes.”
John smiled. Knowing how much Rodney valued his intellectual prowess, that was saying a lot - and who wouldn’t like to be valued above winning 50 Nobel prizes?
“I know I have a long way to go with this relationship stuff, and I’m sure I’ll make some more mistakes along the way. So please don’t shut me out - just tell me what I did so I can attempt to learn from them. I can’t read your mind, you know. I’m still only human.” Rodney held his gaze for another minute, his eyes liquid blue and full of emotion.
“I promise to call you on your shit. This is not a Get Out of Jail Free card. But you’re right that I need to keep the lines of communication open - that’s one part of being in a relationship that I’m terrible at.”
“Ha! So I’m not the only one with issues!” Rodney looked triumphant. John gave him a look. He immediately went back to being contrite. “Sorry, got a little carried away there. Thank you for giving me another chance. I can’t promise I won’t screw it up again, so I won’t.”
“See, that’s another thing you learned from this - last time, you promised you’d always be right and never let me down again, which is impossible.”
“I see that now, and it’s good to know.” Rodney smiled. Then his gaze drifted down to linger on John’s mouth. He licked his lips almost unconsciously - it was obvious that he wanted to kiss John but didn’t quite dare. Sheppard found this very cute. He moved closer and reached out his hand to play with Rodney’s hair. Rodney looked so happy at this that it was quite irresistible. John moved in for the kiss but kept his eyes open. They locked gazes intensely until the very last second. It was sweet and gentle, and they both melted beneath it. Then Rodney went to put his arms around John but was brought up short by a sharp pain in his right arm.
“Ow! What the hell?”
“Oh - you broke your arm. Also two ribs. You were unconscious for 48 hours.” John’s smile belied the look in his eyes.
Rodney looked uncharacteristically solemn for a moment. Then he smiled and said, almost shyly, “It was worth it, to get you back.”
John had to kiss him again for that before replying, “Don’t you go throwing yourself off any cliffs the next time we have a fight!”
* * * * *
Epilogue
John got to take Rodney home that night - Beckett released him to the tender care of his nursemaid. The next day was Friday, and he ran into Ronon in the cafeteria.
Dex smiled and said, “Uh, so you guys are back together?”
Startled, John said, “Yeah.” No point in denying it now.
“That’s good. I’ll tell the Colonel you won’t be coming by tonight, then.”
John laughed out loud at that. “Tell you what, I’ll take a rain check on that one. Maybe he’ll let us borrow you sometime.”
Ronon looked simultaneously shocked and pleased. “I know I’d like that.”
John smiled to himself as he turned away. Life was good.
Title: A Thousand Suns (4/4)
Author: arby_m
Pairing: McKay/Sheppard, implied Sheppard/Dex/Caldwell
Rating: R
Spoilers: through Trinity
Warnings: sap
Length: 1621 words
Disclaimer: Still don't own 'em.
Summary: In which events come to a satisfying conclusion. Chapter 1 is here, Chapter 2 is here and Chapter 3 is here.
Note: A thousand apologies to whoever it was who made the comparison between Rodney in "Trinity" and Siva - I can't remember who you are for the life of me. If perchance you read this, please comment so I can give you the credit.
----------------------------------------------------------
There was a long, terrible moment that seemed to go on forever, while Rodney was falling to his certain death in this infernal pit, when his whole life really did seem to flash before his eyes. He saw his lonely, brilliant childhood, the awkward horror of his teenage years, the excitement of various college experiments (both in and out of the classroom), his professional life before Atlantis (so many long nights in the lab), the missions, fear, danger and reluctant heroics of his time at Atlantis, the brief shining moments of happiness with Sheppard, and the last few weeks of depression and anger. The constant, he saw in a flash, was that he was alone. A few friends, here and there, but mostly alone. Yes, he had done a lot of work, most of it brilliant, but in terms of human interaction his life didn’t even add up to a hill of beans. He wished devoutly that he had made up with Sheppard before he died. To go out knowing that someone loved you - that would have been something. And then he hit the bottom and everything went black.
* * * * *
He dreamed himself Shiva, destroyer of worlds. He'd never believed any of that religious claptrap, but a girlfriend in college had been an Eastern religions major, and in the brief time they were together she talked a lot about Hinduism. He waved his hand to start Arcturus and a whole galaxy died this time - a thousand suns winked out like the stars they were, leaving only dust behind. Each one had worlds circling around it; he saw people living on them, huts and crude civilizations, turned into so many motes in his eye. He saw himself destroying his relationships over and over - before it always seemed that the other had turned away, but now he saw with such heartbreaking clarity the hundreds of little things he had done that blew away the worlds they were trying to build, the satellites of their planets locked in orbit around him, and how he spun them off into the vacuum of space, leaving him empty and alone, the center of his own universe. And then he saw how the tie between himself and John was stretched thin but not yet broken, how very fragile it was and how without tending it would break. In the dream he wept for the preciousness of it, almost lost. And then in the dream he realized that if he could dream, if he could cry, he must be alive. The realization was so profound that it woke him up.
Rodney opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was John, sleeping in a chair next to his bed. He held Rodney’s hand as he slept. Rodney’s entire body ached, and his cheeks were wet with tears, but he was smiling.
“I’m alive,” he said to himself.
John opened his eyes. The look of utter disbelief on his face was comical, so Rodney laughed.
“You bastard!” John was trying to be mad but couldn’t disguise his own happiness. “Don’t you ever do that to me again - you idiot!”
“Well, that’ll teach you to take me on dangerous jungle missions!” Rodney was almost giggling.
John ignored that. “I really thought I’d lost you.”
“So did I. I mean, I thought I was dead, too.” John looked slightly askance at that. “I thought I was going to die without making up with you, and it… I couldn’t bear it.” He was almost crying again, just saying it.
“Me either - I was so upset when I thought I’d lost you, I was going to forgive you for everything, if only you’d wake up.” John’s eyes were bright with tears.
“But we shouldn’t just get back together as if nothing happened just because I almost died. Radek was right.” John’s look said oookay, but he made a ‘go on’ motion. “Not dealing with the consequences of my behavior merely allows me to continue it. One thing I realized during my near-death experience,” John stopped himself from laughing out loud just in time when he saw Rodney was completely serious, “is that I’ve always ruined the things I love. Every time I even came close to having a real relationship, I would do something to drive the other person away. Never consciously realized it, of course, just assumed that there was something wrong with them, not me. And-and-and the thing is, I know Arcturus was a thing like that. But I need to understand exactly what went wrong there. And I think you probably need to get it off your chest.”
“Wow. That shows a lot of insight into human interaction for you, Rodney. I really mean that, not being condescending. You’re right, I do need to get it off my chest, or it’s going to come back to haunt us later. So here it is in a nutshell: when Elizabeth said No to you about trying the test again, you made an end run around her - you used me and our relationship to get what you wanted. It wasn’t so much that you couldn’t pull it off after you swore up and down that you could - it was the calculated way you took advantage of my trust, of us, to get a second chance. And then you nearly killed us both because you couldn’t let go and admit you were wrong! It turned into an ego thing with you. I know you have the world’s biggest ego - it’s something that I often find endearing about you, God only knows why - but Arcturus wasn’t just another experiment, it was about proving you were the smartest, you were going to win the Nobel prize. And to that end you would have thrown everything away. That’s why I was mad about Arcturus. And then when I thought about it, I realized that what happened there was a big warning sign to me that you didn’t have the respect for other people that needed to be there before I could be in a serious relationship with you.”
Rodney stared at him for a long minute and said nothing. John could see the comprehension dawning in his eyes. He didn’t feel the usual satisfaction he would have in rendering Rodney speechless. Then Rodney nodded.
“Yeah… I can see why you would be mad about that. I didn’t set out to do that - not consciously at least - but that was a really shitty thing to do. God, I’m so sorry. It wasn’t worth it - I did want to prove something, I felt it was such a huge discovery - and yes, I did want the credit for figuring it out - but nothing is worth losing you. You.. you’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long, long time. I wouldn’t trade you for 50 Nobel prizes.”
John smiled. Knowing how much Rodney valued his intellectual prowess, that was saying a lot - and who wouldn’t like to be valued above winning 50 Nobel prizes?
“I know I have a long way to go with this relationship stuff, and I’m sure I’ll make some more mistakes along the way. So please don’t shut me out - just tell me what I did so I can attempt to learn from them. I can’t read your mind, you know. I’m still only human.” Rodney held his gaze for another minute, his eyes liquid blue and full of emotion.
“I promise to call you on your shit. This is not a Get Out of Jail Free card. But you’re right that I need to keep the lines of communication open - that’s one part of being in a relationship that I’m terrible at.”
“Ha! So I’m not the only one with issues!” Rodney looked triumphant. John gave him a look. He immediately went back to being contrite. “Sorry, got a little carried away there. Thank you for giving me another chance. I can’t promise I won’t screw it up again, so I won’t.”
“See, that’s another thing you learned from this - last time, you promised you’d always be right and never let me down again, which is impossible.”
“I see that now, and it’s good to know.” Rodney smiled. Then his gaze drifted down to linger on John’s mouth. He licked his lips almost unconsciously - it was obvious that he wanted to kiss John but didn’t quite dare. Sheppard found this very cute. He moved closer and reached out his hand to play with Rodney’s hair. Rodney looked so happy at this that it was quite irresistible. John moved in for the kiss but kept his eyes open. They locked gazes intensely until the very last second. It was sweet and gentle, and they both melted beneath it. Then Rodney went to put his arms around John but was brought up short by a sharp pain in his right arm.
“Ow! What the hell?”
“Oh - you broke your arm. Also two ribs. You were unconscious for 48 hours.” John’s smile belied the look in his eyes.
Rodney looked uncharacteristically solemn for a moment. Then he smiled and said, almost shyly, “It was worth it, to get you back.”
John had to kiss him again for that before replying, “Don’t you go throwing yourself off any cliffs the next time we have a fight!”
* * * * *
Epilogue
John got to take Rodney home that night - Beckett released him to the tender care of his nursemaid. The next day was Friday, and he ran into Ronon in the cafeteria.
Dex smiled and said, “Uh, so you guys are back together?”
Startled, John said, “Yeah.” No point in denying it now.
“That’s good. I’ll tell the Colonel you won’t be coming by tonight, then.”
John laughed out loud at that. “Tell you what, I’ll take a rain check on that one. Maybe he’ll let us borrow you sometime.”
Ronon looked simultaneously shocked and pleased. “I know I’d like that.”
John smiled to himself as he turned away. Life was good.