Meme Response - On Sex And Sexuality (Jane Austen's great unpublished work)
For luvlymish - On sex and sexuality, specifically how mine is a part of the wider whole.
The Wider What? Is that like The Greater Good?
(repeat in West Country accent) The Greater Good...
Well, let's begin with the 'wider whole' thing. Apart from the obvious obscene pun, which I'll leave for someone else to make in the comments section, I don't really think about my sexuality as being part of any 'wider whole'. Sexuality is for the person whose sexuality it is.
But then, I'm a straight male, so I probably don't think about the philosophy of of it all as much as some.
So that leaves me and my sex and sexuality. Let's start with the latter.
Sexuality
You know the Good-Fast-Cheap triangle, where you can pick two, but not get the third?
Sex isn't at all like that. That'd just be odd.
However, there is a triangle type diagram for sex, specifically relating to what you think of the other person you're in bed with: Sexy-Friendship-Love. Having two doesn't remove the third. The ideal score to go for is all three, but for single folks, that's kind of tricky. With one of them, things are a bit diminished, but probably still better than an evening in front of Netflix. Two of them, the evening's pretty damn good and it doesn't matter that you left the screensaver on all night.
Generally, speaking, I get two out of three, which, as Meat Loaf pointed out (he was actually talking about this specific issue as well) ain't bad.
So, yeah, Sexy-Friendship. For the record, I don't refer to it as that, as it's an even worse name than 'Friends With Benefits' for something marvellous but that still doesn't qualify for an 'It's Complicated' relationship update on Facebook.
Occasionally (sadly I couldn't start this sentence with 'frequently'), I'll end up in bed with a female friend. This usually comes as a surprise to me, and often to her as well. I am, in fact, the only person I know of who lost his virginity by accidentally seducing someone. See, I'm crap at asking out or straight-up propositioning women. I have too much of a fear of rejection. However, that just letting it happen thing works well, albeit unexpectedly.
Platonic sex is nice, it is good. See, for me sex is an expression of interpersonal affection - a show of friendship, you might say. The simple act of sleeping with a friend doesn't change the nature of that relationship (for me, at least), except perhaps to improve it with the enhanced intimacy that sex brings. I've been complimented on this 'not being an arsehole about it' skill I appear to have.
Sorry, not advertising (although you know where I am), but I felt that this partially-formed, applicable only to myself, ideology needed mentioning, on account of this not being how I've always been. Once upon a time, I was a naive, somewhat uptight individual who was firm that sex without love was a Bad Thing (TM). Then I met, yes, luvlymish. She poisoned my mind and my soul with her horrific, morally dubious theories about sex being an awesome thing. She destroyed me utterly (well, I'm less naive anyway) and I'll be eternally grateful to her for it.
Sex
Now for the sex. This is the graphic bit, though probably not that graphic, because I don't think it's really necessary. Since I'm typing stream-of-consciousness, let's just give it a go and see what comes out. *ahem*
Kissing. Mmmmm... this is always fun. I've never fully understood the readiness of some people to ram a tongue in my mouth though. It's... interesting, certainly not unpleasant, but seems unnecessarily complex, particularly when things have already escalated to the point of taking clothes off. (It's apparently meant to be symbolic of penetration, a sign of willingness, or something.) Strangely enough, a lot of other people don't seem to understand tongues either. I need to study this more widely to find out what the point of it is.
"Biting. Yes, biting is excellent. Just like kissing but there’s a winner." I recently discovered the joy of biting. No lasting marks, definitely no blood; that's just weird. However, nibbling is nice. And yes, I quoted Doctor Who in a blog post about my sex life. I think we've discovered why I'm single.
The Cuddly Bits. Nuzzling, stroking, licking, touching, breathing, squeezing, holding, teasing. Mmm.
Foreplay. The stuff that's not already been covered. Oh man, I love this foreplay stuff! I could do it all week! Nothing too odd (well, I've not really spent long enough in an actual relationship to have the time to work this out) but... well, hands and oral are great from both partners. Actually, I particularly enjoy using my fingers or mouth. It's the intimacy and the intensity of the reaction, I guess.
Penetration. I hate that word. It's like it was chosen deliberately to make feminists think that all sex is an act of violence, yet almost every other term for it also includes all the other, equally important, parts of sex. Anyway, penetration is enjoyable. What is there to write about this? Maybe I try a little hard to make what is sometimes described as the most boring bit of sex interesting? Possibly I've seen too much porn. Ladies, I invite your opinions and any suggestions, though I warn you that comments are not being screened.
Incidentally, in terms of the penetration/other stuff ratio, what do people think is the ideal? 1:1, 1:2, 2:1, 3:2, 2:3, something even more uneven than that? I'm interested in hearing your thoughts.
How many people have I had sex with?
I'm not actually going to give the answer to this question I just pretended that I've been asked. It's probably higher than you know, on account of more than one person who's asked that we keep it... not secret, but private.
Personally, if I'd slept with me, I'd be peeling the church bells and bellowing it from the rooftops, but I try not to get paranoid about this.
This bit's actually more about how I measure it. Not that I measure it, but you know, words. Does what happened with this person count as sex? But if not, then why does this person get a tick after their name, when you actually did less with her?
Not that I tick women's names off. It's not like I actually keep a To Do List.
It's more of an Amazon Wishlist.
There's no scientific formula for this. It's purely a case by case thing, and is usually a lot more obvious than six paragraphs of discussion implies.
Relationships
I've not really mentioned that yet, have I? A relationship would be nice, but this is an article about sex. The two don't necessarily have to overlap.
One more point that needs mentioning about me and my sexuality
This may have already crossed the minds of those who know me.
Boobs.
Boobs are awesome. They're incredible. They have nipples on them and everything!
*Ahem*
This shouldn't be allowed to be interpreted as big = best. I'm very definite on that point. The human body is a sculpture. Mine may have been put together by an artist who failed GCSE Art & Design and has Blu-Tac as a favoured medium, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate good Biology when I see it. Boob aesthetics are a complex combination of shape, size, texture (I like that bit) and nipplage (that too). There's probably a scientific formula for it.
The key thing is: every pair of breasts can only be compared to the rest of the body to which it's attached. Many women, if you swapped their boobs with someone else's, would look odd.
(I know because I tried this several times before they removed my licence to practice medicine. But one day, one day soon, I'll show them. I'll prove to them that they were wrong, when I reveal my Secret Project! Muwahahahahahahahahaaaa!)
I have discovered that being able to unclip a bra through three layers of clothing is not regarded in most job interviews as a transferable skill. In fact, it's not much use in any circumstances, including sex.
And finally...
On hugs. I tend to be fairly huggy towards my female friends. This isn't a sex thing. This is an affectionate friendship thing, although with the complication that some people aren't as open to hugs as others (sorry, I try and measure it). I'd do it with men more often as well, but they tend not to smell as nice and it's a little bit goiy.
And finally finally...
The thing that attracts me most to a woman is the smile - that combination of eyes and mouth that light up a room.
And finally finally finally
It is said that men are Steve from Coupling. They wish they were Patrick. They fear they are actually Jeff.
Sadly, Jeff Murdock has provided me with most of my sex education: http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0023361/quotes
Sjadajim!
Coming Soon: On Laws Of The UK That I Think Are Wrong And Need Changing
The Wider What? Is that like The Greater Good?
(repeat in West Country accent) The Greater Good...
Well, let's begin with the 'wider whole' thing. Apart from the obvious obscene pun, which I'll leave for someone else to make in the comments section, I don't really think about my sexuality as being part of any 'wider whole'. Sexuality is for the person whose sexuality it is.
But then, I'm a straight male, so I probably don't think about the philosophy of of it all as much as some.
So that leaves me and my sex and sexuality. Let's start with the latter.
Sexuality
You know the Good-Fast-Cheap triangle, where you can pick two, but not get the third?
Sex isn't at all like that. That'd just be odd.
However, there is a triangle type diagram for sex, specifically relating to what you think of the other person you're in bed with: Sexy-Friendship-Love. Having two doesn't remove the third. The ideal score to go for is all three, but for single folks, that's kind of tricky. With one of them, things are a bit diminished, but probably still better than an evening in front of Netflix. Two of them, the evening's pretty damn good and it doesn't matter that you left the screensaver on all night.
Generally, speaking, I get two out of three, which, as Meat Loaf pointed out (he was actually talking about this specific issue as well) ain't bad.
So, yeah, Sexy-Friendship. For the record, I don't refer to it as that, as it's an even worse name than 'Friends With Benefits' for something marvellous but that still doesn't qualify for an 'It's Complicated' relationship update on Facebook.
Occasionally (sadly I couldn't start this sentence with 'frequently'), I'll end up in bed with a female friend. This usually comes as a surprise to me, and often to her as well. I am, in fact, the only person I know of who lost his virginity by accidentally seducing someone. See, I'm crap at asking out or straight-up propositioning women. I have too much of a fear of rejection. However, that just letting it happen thing works well, albeit unexpectedly.
Platonic sex is nice, it is good. See, for me sex is an expression of interpersonal affection - a show of friendship, you might say. The simple act of sleeping with a friend doesn't change the nature of that relationship (for me, at least), except perhaps to improve it with the enhanced intimacy that sex brings. I've been complimented on this 'not being an arsehole about it' skill I appear to have.
Sorry, not advertising (although you know where I am), but I felt that this partially-formed, applicable only to myself, ideology needed mentioning, on account of this not being how I've always been. Once upon a time, I was a naive, somewhat uptight individual who was firm that sex without love was a Bad Thing (TM). Then I met, yes, luvlymish. She poisoned my mind and my soul with her horrific, morally dubious theories about sex being an awesome thing. She destroyed me utterly (well, I'm less naive anyway) and I'll be eternally grateful to her for it.
Sex
Now for the sex. This is the graphic bit, though probably not that graphic, because I don't think it's really necessary. Since I'm typing stream-of-consciousness, let's just give it a go and see what comes out. *ahem*
Kissing. Mmmmm... this is always fun. I've never fully understood the readiness of some people to ram a tongue in my mouth though. It's... interesting, certainly not unpleasant, but seems unnecessarily complex, particularly when things have already escalated to the point of taking clothes off. (It's apparently meant to be symbolic of penetration, a sign of willingness, or something.) Strangely enough, a lot of other people don't seem to understand tongues either. I need to study this more widely to find out what the point of it is.
"Biting. Yes, biting is excellent. Just like kissing but there’s a winner." I recently discovered the joy of biting. No lasting marks, definitely no blood; that's just weird. However, nibbling is nice. And yes, I quoted Doctor Who in a blog post about my sex life. I think we've discovered why I'm single.
The Cuddly Bits. Nuzzling, stroking, licking, touching, breathing, squeezing, holding, teasing. Mmm.
Foreplay. The stuff that's not already been covered. Oh man, I love this foreplay stuff! I could do it all week! Nothing too odd (well, I've not really spent long enough in an actual relationship to have the time to work this out) but... well, hands and oral are great from both partners. Actually, I particularly enjoy using my fingers or mouth. It's the intimacy and the intensity of the reaction, I guess.
Penetration. I hate that word. It's like it was chosen deliberately to make feminists think that all sex is an act of violence, yet almost every other term for it also includes all the other, equally important, parts of sex. Anyway, penetration is enjoyable. What is there to write about this? Maybe I try a little hard to make what is sometimes described as the most boring bit of sex interesting? Possibly I've seen too much porn. Ladies, I invite your opinions and any suggestions, though I warn you that comments are not being screened.
Incidentally, in terms of the penetration/other stuff ratio, what do people think is the ideal? 1:1, 1:2, 2:1, 3:2, 2:3, something even more uneven than that? I'm interested in hearing your thoughts.
How many people have I had sex with?
I'm not actually going to give the answer to this question I just pretended that I've been asked. It's probably higher than you know, on account of more than one person who's asked that we keep it... not secret, but private.
Personally, if I'd slept with me, I'd be peeling the church bells and bellowing it from the rooftops, but I try not to get paranoid about this.
This bit's actually more about how I measure it. Not that I measure it, but you know, words. Does what happened with this person count as sex? But if not, then why does this person get a tick after their name, when you actually did less with her?
Not that I tick women's names off. It's not like I actually keep a To Do List.
It's more of an Amazon Wishlist.
There's no scientific formula for this. It's purely a case by case thing, and is usually a lot more obvious than six paragraphs of discussion implies.
Relationships
I've not really mentioned that yet, have I? A relationship would be nice, but this is an article about sex. The two don't necessarily have to overlap.
One more point that needs mentioning about me and my sexuality
This may have already crossed the minds of those who know me.
Boobs.
Boobs are awesome. They're incredible. They have nipples on them and everything!
*Ahem*
This shouldn't be allowed to be interpreted as big = best. I'm very definite on that point. The human body is a sculpture. Mine may have been put together by an artist who failed GCSE Art & Design and has Blu-Tac as a favoured medium, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate good Biology when I see it. Boob aesthetics are a complex combination of shape, size, texture (I like that bit) and nipplage (that too). There's probably a scientific formula for it.
The key thing is: every pair of breasts can only be compared to the rest of the body to which it's attached. Many women, if you swapped their boobs with someone else's, would look odd.
(I know because I tried this several times before they removed my licence to practice medicine. But one day, one day soon, I'll show them. I'll prove to them that they were wrong, when I reveal my Secret Project! Muwahahahahahahahahaaaa!)
I have discovered that being able to unclip a bra through three layers of clothing is not regarded in most job interviews as a transferable skill. In fact, it's not much use in any circumstances, including sex.
And finally...
On hugs. I tend to be fairly huggy towards my female friends. This isn't a sex thing. This is an affectionate friendship thing, although with the complication that some people aren't as open to hugs as others (sorry, I try and measure it). I'd do it with men more often as well, but they tend not to smell as nice and it's a little bit goiy.
And finally finally...
The thing that attracts me most to a woman is the smile - that combination of eyes and mouth that light up a room.
And finally finally finally
It is said that men are Steve from Coupling. They wish they were Patrick. They fear they are actually Jeff.
Sadly, Jeff Murdock has provided me with most of my sex education: http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0023361/quotes
Sjadajim!
Coming Soon: On Laws Of The UK That I Think Are Wrong And Need Changing