Fic: Grocery Shopping Is Hazardous To Your Health
Title: Grocery Shopping Is Hazardous To Your Health
Authors: eviltwin
Fandoms: Supernatural RPS (BORN TO BE WILD 'VERSE)
Pairing: Jensen Ackles / Jared Padalecki.
Rating: Adult.
Wordcount: 2,000
Summary: There's one chore that the boys hate doing, and it's the only one that is impossible to avoid.
Disclaimer: None of the following is true in any way, and no profit is made from this work of fiction.
Notes: Domestic fic, pretty much written to cheer up a bad day for anyone who's had one. Dedicated to jayfray18 for not only being a generally awesome person, but also because she asked. :D OKAY, THAT'S A LIE. I TOLD HER SHE WAS GETTING MORE FIC. XD It's got porn in it.
GROCERY SHOPPING IS HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH
"We need a car."
Jared shakes his head, twisting the key in the ignition of Chris's truck. "We just need Chris to keep on being an awesome friend." He reaches across and pats Jensen's knee. "Which he will do so long as you keep up the sexual teasing."
Jensen bats his hand away, tells him to fuck off. "This would be easier with our own truck, that's all."
"We could have our own fucking butler and this would not be easier."
"Would you rather stay at home and let me do it alone?" Jensen asks, tired of this old argument. Jared rolls his eyes, indicates to pull out.
"Absolutely no way. I'm coming for moral support and to make sure you don't come back with any more of that shitty cheap beer like-"
"It was one time," Jensen reminds him. "Once. And we were short of money. I thought I was doing you a favor."
"Think again, sunshine. Drinking piss would have been preferable to that."
"Well, maybe that's something we can try another time," Jensen shoots back. "Didn't realize you were such a kinky bastard."
Jared laughs, breaking the mood between them. "Yeah, you did. Half the stuff you know now is 'cause of me."
"Only half?"
"Uh-huh. I'm blaming the internet for the rest. You need to stop watching porn so much and try doing some with me."
"Quit working every night and maybe I would."
Jared sighs as he slows to a stop for a light and then leans over the space between them and tongues Jensen's ear. It tickles; he wriggles away and rubs at it with his hand, telling Jared to quit it. "Can I stay in the car when we get there?" At the look Jensen gives him then, Jared gives in. "Okay. I just really hate doing this."
"It's grocery shop or starve, Einstein. What would you rather do?"
"Ugh."
Jensen reaches over and rubs the back of Jared's shoulder for a moment, telling him that he understands. He likes grocery shopping about as much as he'd enjoy waxing off his own eyebrows, but they need to eat and that makes Walmart a necessary evil. "I'm sorry. At least we have Chris's truck and a huge freezer at home. We can just fill up the entire truck-bed with shit we need and then we don't have to come back for another few weeks. Hey, if you can get through this without killing anyone then I'll give you a backrub when we get in."
"Does the backrub end in sex?"
Jensen smirks. "Usually."
Everybody's just been paid since it's the end of the month, and even though it's a Tuesday afternoon, Walmart is packed. Packed with fuckin' crazies, as Jared mutters upon entering the hated store. Jensen nudges him in the ribs with an elbow and tells him to stop, though he knows it's a pointless plea. They get looked at, stared at, just as much as everyone else, but Jensen supposes they should expect it. They're walking around in torn jeans and tight t-shirts, tattoos on display. And Jared grabbed his hand as soon as they walked in and hasn't let go yet, even though Jensen's having difficulty trying to push the shopping cart with only one hand. It's not that Jared just loves holding hands, he just enjoys provoking people. And annoying Jensen.
"Hey, check it out. Two for one on pork chops. Want some?"
"Sure." Jensen stops the cart and then grabs a folded piece of paper from his back pocket. Jared tosses the chops into the cart and sees him with it. He laughs.
"Did you make a list?"
Jensen doesn't even look at him. "Yeah, I made a list. You'd rather we forget something we need and have to come back?"
Jared grabs it out of his hands and takes a quick look. "Okay, you forgot to write down maxi-pads." He shoves the list back at Jensen and shakes his head. "You're like the wife I'll never have."
Jensen squeezes his hand, his eyes narrowed. "Thank god for that, huh? If I was a woman you wouldn't know what the fuck to do with me."
"I got some ideas."
"You need some deodorant," Jensen says.
Sniffing at his armpits right there in the frozen pizza aisle, Jared frowns. "I do not."
"Jesus Christ. It's on the list, idiot. Listen, just go and get deodorant and razor blades for us both and then come find me again all right?"
"I don't think we should split up," Jared says, scowling as some old lady with a cart full of washing powder and beer pushes past him. The front wheel of her cart catches his ankle and Jensen can see him biting his lip not to snap at her.
"This isn't Fangorn fucking Forest," Jensen tells him. "Just go get those two things and I'll carry on with this." He grips Jared's hand tighter for a second, pulls him close and kisses him, even though he can feel himself blushing as he does it. "I love you."
"All right, all right. I'll be back in a few minutes."
Jensen watches him go and thinks, I doubt it.
Indeed, it's a half hour before he sees him again, and by that time he's navigated himself towards the other end of the store and the cart's full to the brim with groceries and supplies. Jared stops a few feet away from him and gets cursed at by whoever's behind him, but he doesn't notice. He just gapes at Jensen, then looks down the aisle behind him like it holds the secrets of the universe.
"How in hell do you do that?"
"Because I'm Superman," Jensen tells him, completely straight-faced. "C'mon, let's go and pay. Then you can put this shit away and I'll get naked."
"Sounds like a plan, Superman."
They get the groceries put away and Jared takes Chris's truck back to him, picks his Honda up and comes home again. While he's gone, Jensen takes a shower and shaves and comes out of the bathroom with a towel tucked around his waist. He feels good, clean, and he has Jared to himself for a few hours now before his boyfriend has to go back to work. Jared comes in smelling like leather and oil from riding the bike and Jensen barely lets his helmet touch the table before he's on him, pushing him back against the wall and kissing him.
"Woah, steady. You're still wet."
"Mm, yeah. Get undressed."
"Impatient, aren't you?"
"You noticed? Why aren't you naked yet?"
Jared chuckles, pushes Jensen back slightly. "Okay, just... Give me a little room."
Jensen stays where he is only as long as it takes Jared to kick off his boots, pull off his t-shirt, and hop out of his jeans and underwear. Then he unfastens the towel and lets that join Jared's clothes before grabbing his hand and pulling him toward the stairs. He goes up backward, Jared one step below him and kissing him all the way up, and they crash into the wall beside the bedroom door before they get inside. Jared pushes Jensen back onto the bed, falls on top of him and gets a tight grip on his wrists with one hand, holding them above his head. He keeps them there, bending to lick at Jensen's throat. His teeth drag down, over the bar through Jensen's nipple, and the sensation makes the younger man hiss.
"Thought I was-"
"I got it," Jared mumbles, drawing patterns around Jensen's tattoos with his fingertips. "This is me thanking you for making that quick and mostly painless."
"Mostly?"
"Yeah. If I have to see another 60 year old woman in canary yellow hotpants and a leopard print top then I'll probably gouge my own eyes out. Just... So you know."
"Kill the mood, why don't you? Talk about something else."
"Not in the mood for talking.." Jared moves, trailing his tongue down Jensen's torso. He licks at the hairs below Jensen's navel, wetting them and flattening them against his skin. He kisses Jensen's cock, half-hard already and nudging his chin. Then he slides his hands down Jensen's sides and pulls at his thighs until Jensen takes the hint and lifts his legs, resting them over Jared's shoulders. He hardly has time to swear before Jared's tongue is pushing into the crease behind his balls. Jensen just sucks in a breath, hard, and holds it for a moment, trying to relax again.
By some kind of mutual thought they both get into a better position for this, Jensen on his stomach, resting his weight on his elbows, while Jared bites red marks into his skin, uses his tongue and fingers to help him open up. Jensen winds up with his teeth closed around the edge of the headboard, breathing through his nose as Jared continues with this torturous preparation, lubed up fingers sliding wetly in and out. Then the pressure's gone and he lets go, looks back over his shoulder to see Jared sat back on his knees, concentrating on rolling a condom onto his flushed dick. He moans at the sight of him, gets up on all-fours and opens his legs a little wider so that it's easier.
"Christ.. Why don't we do this more often any more?"
"'Cause you're always working and I'm always at the hospit-" Jensen cuts off as Jared pushes into him, not bothering to warn him, not bothering to take it slow. He's all the way in after only a moment and he leans over Jensen, kisses his back, pulls him up until he's almost sat on Jared's lap and impaled. Then he moves his hips, rolls his body, and Jensen feels like his insides give out. Jared's fingers, still slippery with lube, come up and toy with his nipple-bar, tugging lightly on it so it's almost painful. He tilts his head back, moving in time with Jared, and wraps his hand around his own erection, jacking it in time with the movements of their bodies.
Then Jared moans into the back of his neck, sending vibrations through his skin, and he loses it altogether. Curses when he comes because it feels like it's too soon and like it's not enough. Jared's still fucking into him, nowhere near, and he smears the come across Jensen's stomach and over every inch of skin he touches. He holds him tight, starts helping him lift his body up, push back down onto Jared's dick. Jared's muttering something at him that doesn't make a lot of sense until he starts saying he's close, over and over.
Suddenly he wraps his arms around Jensen's chest and holds him so tight he can't move, his face pressed into the sweaty skin at the back of Jensen's shoulder. He's shuddering with his whole body, filling the condom, his every muscle tense.
A minute or two passes and then Jared relaxes his grip some more and Jensen manages to pull off, move until he's sat against the pillows and watching Jared recover. Jared holds the condom in place and gets up, going for the door to the bathroom.
"Back in a sec."
Jensen simply nods, not having the energy for anything else.
He hears Jared drop the condom in the trash, hears him take a piss and the toilet flush, hears the water hitting the basin as he washes. Then he's back and crawling up the bed, sitting next to Jensen and pulling the other man into his arms. "We've got a little while left, right?"
"Before you go to work? Yeah."
"Sleep with me for a bit?"
Jensen nods again, his eyes already heavy. He's sweaty and sticky with come, but right now he's too warm and comfortable in Jared's arms to care. He barely feels Jared kissing the top of his head. Barely hears him telling Jensen that he loves him. Doesn't hear at all when Jared tells him they forgot to buy toothpaste.
end
Authors: eviltwin
Fandoms: Supernatural RPS (BORN TO BE WILD 'VERSE)
Pairing: Jensen Ackles / Jared Padalecki.
Rating: Adult.
Wordcount: 2,000
Summary: There's one chore that the boys hate doing, and it's the only one that is impossible to avoid.
Disclaimer: None of the following is true in any way, and no profit is made from this work of fiction.
Notes: Domestic fic, pretty much written to cheer up a bad day for anyone who's had one. Dedicated to jayfray18 for not only being a generally awesome person, but also because she asked. :D OKAY, THAT'S A LIE. I TOLD HER SHE WAS GETTING MORE FIC. XD It's got porn in it.
GROCERY SHOPPING IS HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH
"We need a car."
Jared shakes his head, twisting the key in the ignition of Chris's truck. "We just need Chris to keep on being an awesome friend." He reaches across and pats Jensen's knee. "Which he will do so long as you keep up the sexual teasing."
Jensen bats his hand away, tells him to fuck off. "This would be easier with our own truck, that's all."
"We could have our own fucking butler and this would not be easier."
"Would you rather stay at home and let me do it alone?" Jensen asks, tired of this old argument. Jared rolls his eyes, indicates to pull out.
"Absolutely no way. I'm coming for moral support and to make sure you don't come back with any more of that shitty cheap beer like-"
"It was one time," Jensen reminds him. "Once. And we were short of money. I thought I was doing you a favor."
"Think again, sunshine. Drinking piss would have been preferable to that."
"Well, maybe that's something we can try another time," Jensen shoots back. "Didn't realize you were such a kinky bastard."
Jared laughs, breaking the mood between them. "Yeah, you did. Half the stuff you know now is 'cause of me."
"Only half?"
"Uh-huh. I'm blaming the internet for the rest. You need to stop watching porn so much and try doing some with me."
"Quit working every night and maybe I would."
Jared sighs as he slows to a stop for a light and then leans over the space between them and tongues Jensen's ear. It tickles; he wriggles away and rubs at it with his hand, telling Jared to quit it. "Can I stay in the car when we get there?" At the look Jensen gives him then, Jared gives in. "Okay. I just really hate doing this."
"It's grocery shop or starve, Einstein. What would you rather do?"
"Ugh."
Jensen reaches over and rubs the back of Jared's shoulder for a moment, telling him that he understands. He likes grocery shopping about as much as he'd enjoy waxing off his own eyebrows, but they need to eat and that makes Walmart a necessary evil. "I'm sorry. At least we have Chris's truck and a huge freezer at home. We can just fill up the entire truck-bed with shit we need and then we don't have to come back for another few weeks. Hey, if you can get through this without killing anyone then I'll give you a backrub when we get in."
"Does the backrub end in sex?"
Jensen smirks. "Usually."
Everybody's just been paid since it's the end of the month, and even though it's a Tuesday afternoon, Walmart is packed. Packed with fuckin' crazies, as Jared mutters upon entering the hated store. Jensen nudges him in the ribs with an elbow and tells him to stop, though he knows it's a pointless plea. They get looked at, stared at, just as much as everyone else, but Jensen supposes they should expect it. They're walking around in torn jeans and tight t-shirts, tattoos on display. And Jared grabbed his hand as soon as they walked in and hasn't let go yet, even though Jensen's having difficulty trying to push the shopping cart with only one hand. It's not that Jared just loves holding hands, he just enjoys provoking people. And annoying Jensen.
"Hey, check it out. Two for one on pork chops. Want some?"
"Sure." Jensen stops the cart and then grabs a folded piece of paper from his back pocket. Jared tosses the chops into the cart and sees him with it. He laughs.
"Did you make a list?"
Jensen doesn't even look at him. "Yeah, I made a list. You'd rather we forget something we need and have to come back?"
Jared grabs it out of his hands and takes a quick look. "Okay, you forgot to write down maxi-pads." He shoves the list back at Jensen and shakes his head. "You're like the wife I'll never have."
Jensen squeezes his hand, his eyes narrowed. "Thank god for that, huh? If I was a woman you wouldn't know what the fuck to do with me."
"I got some ideas."
"You need some deodorant," Jensen says.
Sniffing at his armpits right there in the frozen pizza aisle, Jared frowns. "I do not."
"Jesus Christ. It's on the list, idiot. Listen, just go and get deodorant and razor blades for us both and then come find me again all right?"
"I don't think we should split up," Jared says, scowling as some old lady with a cart full of washing powder and beer pushes past him. The front wheel of her cart catches his ankle and Jensen can see him biting his lip not to snap at her.
"This isn't Fangorn fucking Forest," Jensen tells him. "Just go get those two things and I'll carry on with this." He grips Jared's hand tighter for a second, pulls him close and kisses him, even though he can feel himself blushing as he does it. "I love you."
"All right, all right. I'll be back in a few minutes."
Jensen watches him go and thinks, I doubt it.
Indeed, it's a half hour before he sees him again, and by that time he's navigated himself towards the other end of the store and the cart's full to the brim with groceries and supplies. Jared stops a few feet away from him and gets cursed at by whoever's behind him, but he doesn't notice. He just gapes at Jensen, then looks down the aisle behind him like it holds the secrets of the universe.
"How in hell do you do that?"
"Because I'm Superman," Jensen tells him, completely straight-faced. "C'mon, let's go and pay. Then you can put this shit away and I'll get naked."
"Sounds like a plan, Superman."
They get the groceries put away and Jared takes Chris's truck back to him, picks his Honda up and comes home again. While he's gone, Jensen takes a shower and shaves and comes out of the bathroom with a towel tucked around his waist. He feels good, clean, and he has Jared to himself for a few hours now before his boyfriend has to go back to work. Jared comes in smelling like leather and oil from riding the bike and Jensen barely lets his helmet touch the table before he's on him, pushing him back against the wall and kissing him.
"Woah, steady. You're still wet."
"Mm, yeah. Get undressed."
"Impatient, aren't you?"
"You noticed? Why aren't you naked yet?"
Jared chuckles, pushes Jensen back slightly. "Okay, just... Give me a little room."
Jensen stays where he is only as long as it takes Jared to kick off his boots, pull off his t-shirt, and hop out of his jeans and underwear. Then he unfastens the towel and lets that join Jared's clothes before grabbing his hand and pulling him toward the stairs. He goes up backward, Jared one step below him and kissing him all the way up, and they crash into the wall beside the bedroom door before they get inside. Jared pushes Jensen back onto the bed, falls on top of him and gets a tight grip on his wrists with one hand, holding them above his head. He keeps them there, bending to lick at Jensen's throat. His teeth drag down, over the bar through Jensen's nipple, and the sensation makes the younger man hiss.
"Thought I was-"
"I got it," Jared mumbles, drawing patterns around Jensen's tattoos with his fingertips. "This is me thanking you for making that quick and mostly painless."
"Mostly?"
"Yeah. If I have to see another 60 year old woman in canary yellow hotpants and a leopard print top then I'll probably gouge my own eyes out. Just... So you know."
"Kill the mood, why don't you? Talk about something else."
"Not in the mood for talking.." Jared moves, trailing his tongue down Jensen's torso. He licks at the hairs below Jensen's navel, wetting them and flattening them against his skin. He kisses Jensen's cock, half-hard already and nudging his chin. Then he slides his hands down Jensen's sides and pulls at his thighs until Jensen takes the hint and lifts his legs, resting them over Jared's shoulders. He hardly has time to swear before Jared's tongue is pushing into the crease behind his balls. Jensen just sucks in a breath, hard, and holds it for a moment, trying to relax again.
By some kind of mutual thought they both get into a better position for this, Jensen on his stomach, resting his weight on his elbows, while Jared bites red marks into his skin, uses his tongue and fingers to help him open up. Jensen winds up with his teeth closed around the edge of the headboard, breathing through his nose as Jared continues with this torturous preparation, lubed up fingers sliding wetly in and out. Then the pressure's gone and he lets go, looks back over his shoulder to see Jared sat back on his knees, concentrating on rolling a condom onto his flushed dick. He moans at the sight of him, gets up on all-fours and opens his legs a little wider so that it's easier.
"Christ.. Why don't we do this more often any more?"
"'Cause you're always working and I'm always at the hospit-" Jensen cuts off as Jared pushes into him, not bothering to warn him, not bothering to take it slow. He's all the way in after only a moment and he leans over Jensen, kisses his back, pulls him up until he's almost sat on Jared's lap and impaled. Then he moves his hips, rolls his body, and Jensen feels like his insides give out. Jared's fingers, still slippery with lube, come up and toy with his nipple-bar, tugging lightly on it so it's almost painful. He tilts his head back, moving in time with Jared, and wraps his hand around his own erection, jacking it in time with the movements of their bodies.
Then Jared moans into the back of his neck, sending vibrations through his skin, and he loses it altogether. Curses when he comes because it feels like it's too soon and like it's not enough. Jared's still fucking into him, nowhere near, and he smears the come across Jensen's stomach and over every inch of skin he touches. He holds him tight, starts helping him lift his body up, push back down onto Jared's dick. Jared's muttering something at him that doesn't make a lot of sense until he starts saying he's close, over and over.
Suddenly he wraps his arms around Jensen's chest and holds him so tight he can't move, his face pressed into the sweaty skin at the back of Jensen's shoulder. He's shuddering with his whole body, filling the condom, his every muscle tense.
A minute or two passes and then Jared relaxes his grip some more and Jensen manages to pull off, move until he's sat against the pillows and watching Jared recover. Jared holds the condom in place and gets up, going for the door to the bathroom.
"Back in a sec."
Jensen simply nods, not having the energy for anything else.
He hears Jared drop the condom in the trash, hears him take a piss and the toilet flush, hears the water hitting the basin as he washes. Then he's back and crawling up the bed, sitting next to Jensen and pulling the other man into his arms. "We've got a little while left, right?"
"Before you go to work? Yeah."
"Sleep with me for a bit?"
Jensen nods again, his eyes already heavy. He's sweaty and sticky with come, but right now he's too warm and comfortable in Jared's arms to care. He barely feels Jared kissing the top of his head. Barely hears him telling Jensen that he loves him. Doesn't hear at all when Jared tells him they forgot to buy toothpaste.
end