Smoke & Lightning: City Of Angels (8/?)
Title: Smoke & Lightning : City Of Angels (8/?)
Authors: eviltwin and bloody_adorable
Fandoms: Supernatural RPS AU
Pairing: Jensen Ackles / Jared Padalecki.
Wordcount: 5,086
Rating: Adult.
Summary: Jensen slowly gets over what happened with the help of Jared and Chris, and is given a new patient.
Disclaimer: None of the following is true in any way, and no profit is made from this work of fiction.
MASTER POST
CHAPTER EIGHT
The night shift was different from the day shift. Jensen needed that change. He passed by the room where Ally had died, looking into it only once. When he realized he was staring at the new patient in there, and not at her, he smiled sadly and walked on.
Losing patients was part of a doctor's job. It was one of the things Jensen hated hearing about, and now it was one of the things he just plain hated. He wasn't sure what it had been about this little girl's death that had crushed him so. But he tried to move on. Tried to forget about it. That's why, when the hospital paged him, he took the shift.
And he was right. Being busy was easier than just hanging out at home, even though Chris was still there. The man had agreed to stay a couple extra days, to hopefully help Jensen through this.
"I'm sorry your vacation was ruined," Jensen had said to him while he got ready to head into work.
"Shut up," Chris had said, almost sounding annoyed. "When was the last time I ditched you?"
Jensen sighed, looking down at his knapsack. "Never," he admitted.
"Right, so why the hell would I start now?"
Jensen didn't know what he had done to deserve such a friend, such a lover. Jared called Ricky and Memo, told them the specifics, and got an extra two days off.
"You're making too big a deal of this," Jensen had warned.
"You lost your first patient, Jen," Jared had argued back. "It is a big deal. I always said I would be here for you, no matter what, didn't I?"
He had sighed and slouched his shoulders, shuffling off. He didn't want it to be a big deal. Even though his heart was still heavy, and he still teared up from time to time, he knew he needed to move on. It was only going to happen again at some point, with some other child, which was another daunting realization.
Nurse Barbie was espeically sweet. She normally worked the eleven-to-seven shift, so she was there when Jensen was in the morning. She might have been named after the doll, but she didn't look like the plastic model in the least. She had brown skin, and the roundest, happiest face Jensen had ever seen. He adored her. "Sugar," she said, when Jensen stopped at the nurse's station to fill out some paperwork. "It's almost time to close up shop. Why don't you get on home?"
He sighed and shook his head after checking his watch. "Still have my other shift," he told her. Pinching at the bridge of his nose, Jensen blinked hard and tried to focus. He pushed his reading glasses further up his nose and paused, poised to write. Barbie stopped him, a hand set to his.
"As much as I love you, sugar," she told him. "You're bringin' the rest of us down."
He frowned and again sighed, leaning back in his chair to look up at her. "I'm sorry," he said. "I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this."
"It's your first," she smiled. "You always remember your first. Tell me that you don't remember the first time you got some."
Images quickly flashed through Jensen's mind. Jared hovering over him, kissing him, touching him, Jensen arching against him, chests heaving. All done in his old bedroom. His heart skipped a beat as he looked up at Barbie. "Okay," he agreed, nodding his head. "I hear you."
"It's alright, baby," Barbie told him. "Be sad. Get it out of your system. The funeral is tomorrow, right?"
Jensen nodded.
"Then go be sad," she smiled. "Or at least get the hell off my floor so I can get my groove back."
Jensen chuckled for the first time in awhile. He nodded his head and stood, gathered up his papers, then leaned down to Barbie, placing a kiss to her cheek. "Thank you," he said. "I'll be up in my office if you need anything."
He stayed at work for his normal shift, not at all tired. It was a good thing he was there, too, because a child came in to the ER, and Jensen was called down to assist in the surgery. The child had fallen off his bicycle, directly into traffic. He had internal injuries that Jensen helped out with. The broken bones, he left to the Orthopedic surgeon. Sam Wright took over Jensen's patient list for that afternoon, enlisting Jack Devereaux's help. And, even though it had been the latter's day off, he had come in to help out.
Jensen was in surgery for the rest of the day. He and Doctor Schloster, the lead surgeon, lost the child two times on the table. But they fought hard to get the boy back. It did Jensen's heart good to see the boy survive.
When he got home, Jared, Maya and Chris weren't there. Both Jared and Jensen's laptops were out on the dining table, the screensavers active. He was a little disappointed that no one was there to greet him, until he saw a note tacked to the refrigerator.
DOWN AT THE PARK. MEET US THERE.
Jensen smiled softly at Jared's chicken scratches, then moved into the bedroom to grab his favorite hoodie. He pulled it over his T-shirt, smoothed it down over his stomach, and grabbed his keys. He locked up before heading down the stairs and out the door, towards the park.
He could see them before he even got there. Both of them had hoodies on, too. Chris's was a pullover while Jared's was a zip-up jacket. He was surprised that Jared was wearing one, considering the man's high body temperature. Maya was sitting next to Jared, staring up at him as he stood by the public grill. The thing was smoking, and burgers were laid out on the cast iron grill. The picnic table had plenty of goodies stacked atop it. Maya left Jared and went over to Chris, hoping that he would give her a bite of food, since Jared hadn't. Chris's truck was in the parking lot, the tailgate down, and a big marine cooler sat by the picnic table. Jensen was pretty sure it was filled with beer. And he needed one.
As Jensen neared, Jared looked up. "Hey," he greeted, holding up a bottle of beer in place of a wave.
"Hey," he returned, almost smiling again. "What's up?"
"Just a nice day," Jared said. "Thought it'd be nice to grill out. And since we left our grill home..."
"Yeah, yeah," Jensen nodded. Jared had wanted to bring the old grill, but Jensen had been afraid it would fall apart on the trip. He had promised they would get a new one, but they'd never gotten around to it.
When Jensen was close enough, Jared leaned down slightly and smiled. "Hi," he said, before pursing his lips for a kiss.
"Hi," Jensen returned, giving him what he wanted.
"How was the double, Good Doctor?"
Moving to the picnic table, Jensen sat down across from Chris. "Alright," he said. "The night shift was slow. I wasn't tired though, so I stayed for my shift."
"So the highest-grossing doc in the auction didn't have anything exciting or thrilling happen?" Chris asked, passing Jensen a beer from the ice in the cooler. Jensen's price at the auction had finally capped at a little over $1,500, which was a thousand dollars more than any other doctor had fetched. He had been both embarassed and amazed.
Jensen took the bottle, twisting off the cap. "Had an ER case," he told him with a shrug of his shoulders. "But I can do without exciting and thrilling for a little while." He tipped the beer to his lips and took a long pull from the bottle.
"I hear ya," Chris nodded.
Maya decided that, since Jensen was the new arrival, clearly he wanted to give her a scrap of food. Jensen put his beer down on the table and patted her head. "Has no one been paying attention to you?" he asked her.
"Yeah, she's real abused," Chris laughed.
"Jesus Christ, she already stole a goddamn burger," Jared laughed.
Jensen reached into a chip bag and gave her a plain, ruffled potato chip. "That's it," he told her.
After crunching down on the chip, Maya barked at him.
"What?" he asked.
She whined and pawed at his jean-clad knee.
"No, no more," he said. "Did Dad bring your ball?"
"Yes, Dad did," Jared agreed. "It's right over there."
"Alright," Jensen agreed. "Let's go play until dinner's done."
Maya barked and twirled around in circles as Jensen got up from the table.
Chris got up from the table too, but instead of following Jensen, he made his way over to Jared.
"He looks happier," Chris noted.
Jared turned away from the grill as smoke billowed. He watched Jensen for a few minutes. In his hoodie, Jensen looked adorable, throwing the bright orange tennis ball as hard as he could. Maya bounded after the toy, catching it mid-air after it bounced off the grass. Just as exuberantly, she headed back to him, dropping the ball at his feet.
"He'll make it through this," Jared nodded. "It's just hard on him. Well, why am I telling you? You know how sensitive he is."
Chris chuckled. "Yeah," he agreed. "Might not have been the best line of work for him."
Jared turned and flipped the burgers over, his bottle of beer still in his free hand. "No," he returned. "I think it makes him a better doctor." He finished turning the hamburgers over, glancing at Chris as he set the spatula aside. "Thanks for staying a little longer."
Chris took a deep breath, still watching Jensen throw the ball for Maya. He thought he saw the man smile and almost laugh, which was a very good thing. "I wasn't sure if it was a good idea or not."
Jared watched Jensen too, such love and adoration in his eyes. "Nah, he needs you, too."
* * *
Three days after she had died, Ally's funeral took place. It had been a hard road, planning it all. Not only because she was so young, but there had been plenty of other things to bring her parents to their knees. They had argued, shouted, nearly brought the house down, both so profoundly tired from constantly working, from sleepless nights hovering over a sick child, and constant worry over bills. They simply couldn't agree on whether to bury her or cremate her.
Gael, her father, had wept at the thought of the incinerator. "You want to burn my little girl?" he had hissed at Alicia, Ally's mother.
"You want me to bury my daughter?" Alicia had returned, just as angry. "To let that beautiful little face rot?"
Jensen had tried to help them, but when the conversation got so morbid, he'd had to go. It was crazy. He was a doctor. He knew damn well what happened after death. He had seen it all. But neither thought was how he wanted to envision Ally.
Finally, Gael and Alicia made a decision. Ally was cremated. They chose a beautiful urn that mysteriously was paid for before either Gael or Alicia could figure out how they were going to swing such an expense.
The day of the funeral, Jensen didn't go to work. He called Jack Devereaux and asked him if he wouldn't mind taking up the slack. Jack had said that he had no problem with it, for Jensen to take his time. Jensen didn't know how he had landed such a great job with such awesome co-workers. He decided to try and make it up to Jack somehow. He knew the man played golf. Maybe he could buy him a couple of rounds or something.
Jensen dressed in his best suit. Jared put on a suit similar to the one he had on for the bicentennial, just without a tie. He still looked completely dashing and, under different circumstances, they might have been a touch late to their destination. But, Jensen wasn't up to that just yet. He hadn't thought he would take a patient's death so hard. When he'd practiced with Dr Lang, they'd lost a patient or two. But Lang had always been a buffer. Jensen didn't like doing this on his own.
The church was beautiful when they got there. Chris sat with them, dressed in a nice shirt of Jared's and a pair of khakis he'd brought with him. Jensen had apologized to him, that he had to do this on his vacation, but Chris again told him to shut up, that he didn't mind. There were flowers everywhere. Wild flowers, to be exact. Jensen knew those were the little girl's favorite, and the sight of them made him remember the times he had taken her out to the courtyard to get some sunshine. She'd always wanted to get out of her wheelchair and move around a little bit. To smell the flowers.
The vases had bright fuscia and orange bows decorating them. The bright colors looked so happy and cheerful it made Jensen feel a little sick to his stomach. He fingered the flower charm on Ally's necklace, still wound around his wrist. He listened to the priest tell everyone his usual spiel. God had called the little girl Home, and she was safe in the creator's arms. He acted as though he knew the child well. Jensen knew that wasn't true. Ally and her parents didn't have time to attend church regularly. Not that they didn't want to.
Ally's uncle gave a beautiful eulogy. He spoke of going on to a better place, where Ally could run and play without being sick. Jensen knew, from his own religion, that the man was right. Still, neither his words, nor the priest's, made Jensen feel any better about it all.
At last, the priest stood at the altar podium and smiled out at the sea of people that had turned out for the little girl's funeral. "Is there anyone else who would like to say a few words about Ally?"
For the past three days, Jensen had debated on speaking. Should he say anything? Would it hurt to get up and talk about the little girl he'd only known and adored for so short a time? He knew what he wanted to do. And, he knew what he had to do. Standing, Jensen tried to inch past Jared.
"Jen," Jared said, concerned. He put a hand upon the younger man's arm, to stop him. "What are you doing?"
"I wanna talk," Jensen told him.
Jared's expression softened into a look of pity. "You don't have to."
Jensen set a hand to Jared's shoulder, then pushed past him. "I know."
Jared glanced at Chris, frowning, and looked on, watching Jensen walk to the front of the church. He genuflected, crossed himself, and stepped up to the podium, smoothing down his tie. Biting at his bottom lip, he glanced over at Ally's urn for a moment, before directing his attention to the crowd before him. He saw Gael and Alicia, hardworking immigrants trying to make ends meet. He saw Jared and Chris, two of his best friends and lovers. He saw Sam Wright, her eyes glistening with tears. He saw the countless other nameless faces all staring at him, waiting for him to speak. He knew he couldn't say anything that would take away the pain. Why had he thought this was a good idea?
"I, um," he began, not liking that he was stammering already. This wasn't a good idea. "My name is Jensen." His voice cracked, making him sound like he was a teenager again. He kept his eyes on the podium for the most part, never having been one for speaking in front of crowds. "When I first met Alissa, I knew I was in for it. I fell in love with that beautiful, smart little girl the second she declared me the 'brand-new' doctor on the floor. She had the biggest heart I've ever known. And I'm not sure I'll ever be the same now that I've known her. Ally was always so sick, but she never wanted to be coddled. She wanted to grow and live like every other kid. Play like every other kid. She nearly took me out with a kickball my second day on the job." A few scattered chuckles drifted up from the audience. "I feel so very lucky to have known her, even for just a short time. And I miss her so much already." His chin trembled, and he fought off the tears. Fought off the need to sob like it was his own child that had died. He blinked back the tears welling up in his eyes and smiled out at the crowd. "Thank you," he said, his voice only half audible.
It was then that Jensen decided he couldn't take anymore. He backed away from the podium and wiped at his eyes. He started to make his way back to his seat, but instead bypassed the pew, and headed for the door. Jared and Chris saw him and quietly slipped out of their seats. No one really paid them much attention; the priest continued with the memorial.
Jensen squinted into the sunlight as he stepped outside. He could hear Chris and Jared on his trail. They made sure to close the doors quietly and then joined him.
Chris had his sunglasses on in a heartbeat, quickly followed by Jared. "What now, son?" he asked.
Jensen looked up and down the street, still squinting, no sunglasses in sight. "I want to get fucking drunk."
Jared smile and put his arm around Jensen's shoulder. "I think we can handle that."
* * *
It hadn't been a good idea to get drunk. Not when he had to get up so early and come into work. But regardless, Jensen did feel better.
Chris had called and made sure his work would cope without him until Sunday. So, they had a little bit more time together. He felt bad for working when his best friend was sitting at home, waiting for him. At noon, he left the hospital to dash across the street for a coffee. It was pouring down rain, and thunder rumbled in the sky. Jensen covered his head with a newspaper and jogged to the coffee shop. Underneath the awning, he took his phone out and called Chris to find out what was going on.
"I'm at Memo's with Jay," Chris told him. "That way, he didn't have to walk down with Maya in the rain."
"Oh, okay," he said, feeling better. "I should be home at a decent hour today. I've already told everyone that I'm not staying longer. That I have stuff to do at home."
"Am I the stuff?"
Jensen chuckled. "Maybe," he nodded. "I gotta run for now, but tell Jay to behave, and I'll see you guys for dinner."
"You got it."
Jensen hung up, shook off his newspaper and headed into the coffee shop. He bought his regular, and stayed there for a few minutes. He sat on the sofa and looked at a bike magazine for a little while, drinking his coffee down enough so that when he ran back to the hospital, he wouldn't spill it all over.
By the time he got back to the hospital, the thunderstorm was directly overhead, rumbling and flashing above him. He ducked into the entrance and shook himself off, laughing softly. He ran his fingers through his hair, somehow still damp, regardless of the shielding he'd used.
Up on the pediatrics floor, Jensen was at the nurse's station by himself, doing paperwork, when he heard someone speak to him.
"How do you feel about a new patient?"
He turned and saw Sam standing there. He shrugged and smiled at her. "I don't know, why?"
She pushed away from the desk and headed towards him. "I've got a repeat offender comin' in," she said. "And I think this time we're going to have to call child services."
"Uh-oh," Jensen breathed. "What's going on?" While he remained seated, looking up at her through his reading glasses, Sam leaned on the desk beside him.
"Remember me telling you about Matthew Marshall?"
"Sure," he returned. He stood up, pocketing his pen and gathering up his files. "Walk with me, I have to go back to my office for a while."
"Sure thing," she said, falling into step with him. "Thing is, I've suspected that all of Matty's injuries aren't completely kosher, if you catch my drift. I've been consulting with Doctor Parks, and...well, Matty just came back in."
"For what?" He motioned to let her on the elevator first. No one else was in the lift with them, so they could talk openly.
"This time it's for a broken leg," she said. "And I think it's bad. Ortho surgery kind of bad."
"Jeez," he frowned. "How old is he?"
"Seven," she answered. "He'll be eight in a couple of months."
The elevator bell dinged and the doors slid open. They exited the lift, moving off to the left, down the corridor. Jensen's office wasn't far. He opened the door and let Sam Wright go in first. "What do you think?" she asked him.
"What do you think?" he asked her.
"I think you need to get back on the horse again," she said.
"Mm," Jensen mumbled, moving behind his desk. "Save a horse. Ride a cowboy."
"Cute," she giggled. The laughter melted away, leaving only seriousness. "I think what happened with Ally was shitty. But unfortunately, that's part of any doctor's job."
He pursed his lips together for a moment, then nodded.
"And you're too good of a doctor to let this throw you," she told him. She handed over a folder that Jensen hadn't realized she'd been carrying. "He'll be on the Peds ward by this afternoon."
Taking a deep breath, Jensen reached out and took the folder from her. She was right, he knew. He still had patients. He still smiled and laughed with the kids every day. But damn, it was hard to take on another one. Especially one that could be a child abuse case. Still, he set his jaw with determination and opened the folder. When he looked up again, Sam Wright was gone.
* * *
"Well, what kind of day did you have?"
Jensen closed the door behind him, a bright smile upon his face. "A fan-friggin'-tastic one," he told Jared, nearing him.
Jared chuckled, catching Jensen when the young man nearly leapt at him. He let Jensen kiss him, and could sense the old Jensen in the embrace. Slow and easy, Jensen opened his mouth to Jared and the kiss deepened.
"Whoa."
Breaking the embrace, both Jared and Jensen turned and saw Chris standing there, having walked in from the other room.
"I see someone's in a good mood," Chris smiled.
Jensen, still smiling, made a face at him. "You say that like I've been in a really bad mood lately."
"Not bad," Chris said. "Just not good."
He couldn't argue with that; Chris had a point. Jensen put his stuff down, shook the rain off his coat and headed in to the bedroom while Jared and Chris made dinner. He got into sweats and socks and ruffled his hair with a towel.
"Man, it's still coming down out there," Chris said, peeking out the window.
"So, what happened today, Wonder Boy?" Jared asked as Jensen stepped back into the kitchen.
"I got a new case," he explained. He went on to tell them about Matty, while at the same time, leaving the little boy's name out of it. But, even if he did let anything slip that he wasn't supposed to, he was excited, and he knew Jared and Chris wouldn't repeat anything he told them in confidence. He gave them as much background as they needed, then told them about a beautiful little boy that he had met that day. Child Services had been called, and they were now investigating the father. Matty would have to be placed with another family eventually, Jensen was pretty sure. The boy had been scared, but Jensen had comforted him. They had already established a bond that Jensen thought he'd never have with another patient.
Jared and Chris started to express concerns that Jensen shouldn't get so attached, but Jensen assured them that, after Ally, he had learned his lesson. While he loved Matty already, he knew the possibilities of what could happen in his line of work.
Jared watched Jensen as he talked, telling them about what he'd learned of adoption that day and how he was sure that they could make it. The young man was like his old self, laughing and joking. And he ate better than he had in weeks. Jared got caught up in it all and told Jensen that it might be something they could look into eventually. Those words were something that fueled Jensen's good mood.
Jared almost hated to go to work, but Jensen had assured him that he should go. Get back to normal. He left while Jensen was still explaining to Chris what he knew of Child Services. He kissed him, told him he would be back later, and headed off for work, leaving the dishes for them to do.
Work lagged. Jared wanted to be home, feeling that he was missing out on the return of his lover. He nagged Ricky until the man rang the bell for last call, a half-hour earlier than usual. When he got home, the apartment was quiet. Chris was snoring on the sofa, Maya scrunched up in a ball in the Laz-Y-Boy beside him. Jared winked at her, but didn't move to pet her, so that he didn't wake Chris up.
He toed off his boots by the dining room table, hung his jacket over a chair and headed into the bedroom. Jensen was awake when he got in there, the lamp on beside the bed.
"Hey," Jared greeted, closing the door behind him, "what are you still doing up?"
"I just woke up," he admitted. "Heard you coming in. How was it tonight?"
Peeling off his tight polo, Jared shrugged, tossing the shirt aside. "Alright. It's starting to get boring there. Not too many rough and tumbles coming in anymore."
"Liar," Jensen chuckled. "I see someone tried to have an argument with you." He motioned to the bruise on Jared's ribcage. The room wasn't so dark that he couldn't spot little things like that.
Jared looked down, one arm raised so that he could see the spot better. "Oh, yeah," he confirmed. "Some asshole tried to get behind the bar. He was an easy enough fix."
"Mm," Jensen frowned, "looks like it."
Jared chuckled and shed his jeans and boxers so that he could crawl into bed with Jensen. "Stop worrying, Jen," he warned with a smile. He leaned in for a kiss, propped up on one elbow, as he snuggled closer. "I'm okay."
Jensen gave him what he wanted, a slow, deep kiss that could lead to a dangerous end. When Jensen broke the embrace, Jared moaned softly and smiled.
"What'd you guys do tonight?"
Jensen shrugged. "Just hung out here. Played some XBox."
"And?" He could tell that Jensen was holding back.
"And, I kinda did some research."
"On what?"
"On adoptions," he admitted. "I figure we can swing it by next year."
Instantly, Jared's mood changed. He didn't become angry, but he backed off slightly, still propped up on his one elbow, eyes locked on Jensen. "Jen," he said, a warning to his voice.
"What?" Jensen returned. "That's what I was talking about before, and you were okay with it."
"I know," he nodded. "Just..."
Jensen waited for him to finish the thought, but he never did. "Just what?" he asked. "Are you backing out of it now?"
"No, just..." He sighed, wishing he could find the right words. "Jen. I didn't--"
"Didn't mean it?" Jensen said for him.
His eyes blinked slowly. "That's not what I said," he told him. "Adopting a kid is a big deal. I don't know if I'm ready for that."
"So why did you tell me that it might be something worth talking about?" he asked, clearly annoyed.
"Well, it might be," he shrugged.
"Jared."
Jared sighed again, trying not to roll his eyes. "Jen, you were you again," he explained. "I...I just didn't--"
"Have the heart to tell me that you were lying to my face, and that I'll never be a father?"
He sighed again, frowning. "That's not true."
Jensen shook his head, his eyes narrowing for a moment. "Really?" he asked. "Because you're kind of telling me exactly that, Jay."
It was Jared's turn to shake his head. "Jen," he began, a slight smile to his lips. "I'm not saying we're never gonna do that adoption thing. I'm not. All I'm asking is that we don't jump into anything."
"Who's jumping?" Jensen wanted to know. "I was talking."
He nodded. "I know," he agreed, his smile still soft. "I know you were. You were talking, animated, and happy. It felt so good to see you like that. I love you, Jen. I kept up the conversation to keep you smiling, not to be mean or vindictive. I want us to be happy, too. I want us to be a family. But I want us to do it at the right time, for the right reasons. Okay?"
The fight had been taken out of him. Jensen sighed, looking away from him. Jared had his point, and as much as Jensen hated to admit it, he was right. Doing research was fine, but he needed to make sure that both of them were ready to take on such a big task. Looking over at Jared, Jensen frowned slightly, one corner of his mouth turning down. "I hate it when you're so friggin' reasonable," he remarked.
Jared chuckled, leaning in to place a kiss upon Jensen's shoulder. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "You can spank me if you want."
He gave Jared a sideways glance, a smile slowly creeping across his face. "I'll take another kiss," he said. "Maybe it'll lead up to the spanking."
"You got yourself a deal," Jared grinned, leaning in to Jensen once more.
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