Comments | arghreality: (без темы)

arghreality

(Untitled)

Jan 14, 2006 23:24

Hello! To help me (greatly) in writing class, which do you prefer:

( Version 1 )

Comments 3

here is what i think... anonymous January 15 2006, 17:33:55 UTC

at first the question you asked: i would prefer the second version ( ... )

Re: here is what i think... renideo January 16 2006, 01:51:53 UTC

I tend to agree with merle in that it is rather hard to read. I fall somewhere between the two. I feel like the device is good but overextended.

Re: here is what i think... arghreality January 16 2006, 07:24:56 UTC

Thanks for the comments merle! There are some valuable things there, especially about my sentence structure. However, you assume too much! This is not meant to be a story; mostly, I'm only trying to capture a dream, with one or two bits tacked on to make it a bit more readable. I dream visually, so thus the piece is very visual... if I were to expand it into a proper story I would introduce more character and variation.
He is meant to be thoughtless; it says so explicitly in the second version in fact. I believe it's possible to be in such a state - if you run for a long time then you get close to it; you don't NOT think, but your thoughts are kind of made up of the things around you, trees etc, instead of words.