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[arielspirit]

For a while now I have been planning to enter old journals that are lying around the house. One journal I kept was a requirement at the adult ed course that I attended, and I just refound it a few months back. The adult ed program was Journeys...and I wrote this entry on my 22nd birthday

Comments

[tigersong]

I think one of the biggest things that sets me off the road of depression is realizing just how much I'm not changing, despite the fact that I want to be changing. It's the same fucking thing over and over again. Seriously, why r i the dumb? I keep telling myself to deal with my issues and move on... but I can't seem to make the changes and sometimes it feels like it's getting worse.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer.

[arielspirit]

The thing is, I think that's partly the human condition. You would think that reading what I wrote when I was 22 would depress me, but instead I was amused. A lightbulb went off, and it made me think "How much longer am I gonna beat myself up for this same shit?"

I'm not sure if what needs to change for authentic happiness is the situation or my response to the situation. I'm leaning towards the latter.

Which means in this case I want to stop constantly pining for this concept of "career" and "success" and striving for these things and denying myself happiness or a sense of worth until I have ACHIEVED them. Obviously it is not working. I need to try something else.