Not an apology. Rather a promise
oh why, yes, I’m still alive.
The last time I posted something in my journal was more than a month ago. I would love to say that nothing has happened during the past four weeks and that my life is boring as hell and I didn’t want to spam your f-lists with boring stuff.
Part of that is true.
Part of that is false.
Looking back to January, I’d posted a list with things I wanted to achieve this year. Two of these things I could finally cross out. I’ve lost 6-7 kg, being down to 55 kilo right now. Unfortunately, I’m still not really satisfied with how I look. 50kg would be awesome, but I’m not quite sure I’ll get there. Hm.
The second thing is “achieving” a boyfriend, which happened rather spontaneously and this is what keeps my head occupied a lot these days.
I love this guy. I really do.
He’s funny and can be cute if he wants and talks about intellectual stuff and business and all (he studies business informatics) and well, we’ve been friends for years now.
My last relationship ended, because my former partner tended to rely on me for making choices and barely said anything and didn’t speak when they had problems with my way of dealing with things. Which is a thing I really wanted to be different in my current relationship.
Funny thing is: we’re 7 weeks into this relationship and I start to development exactly these traits myself. It’s like I’ve lost my own character traits, turning into the model girlfriend who says nothing and is the pretty decoration of the guy and doesn’t have a clue about what he’s talking about. Which usually is not the case. I love to speak for myself, to ask questions, to talk, to get to know new things.
I hate to act like a doll. Really.
I used to blame it on the hormones coming along with taking birth control pills but that’s simply a lame excuse.
I should really start to stop blaming everything on something/someone else and start doing something against it. Because complaining has never been the best way to step forwards.
And stepping forwards is what I really want.
We’ve had a talk this morning and maybe it sounds lame but it’s a bit like my character traits happened to be back since I’ve noticed what exactly is wrong with my behavior.
I really need to stop thinking that he should decide, just because maybe he could dislike my ideas.
If there’s one thing I want our relationship to be about, it’s talking.
I want to be able to talk about problems, to find solutions. Today’s talk has done a lot to support this kind of relationship I want us to lead and I’m so happy about this I could start crying again, although that may be because of those damn pills that make me want to cry about every five minutes.
So this is something new I want to achieve now and during the next weeks: getting back my “strong” character and stop being manipulable. Of course to get back to the awesome grade our relationship was at when it started.
And for myself, because I used to like myself and now can only be ashamed of how I turned out to act. I don’t want to be ashamed of my actions.
I want to be proud.
*My next semester has started at the beginning of April and I’m already packed with learning boring stuff about mushrooms and seaweed and genes. Biology is a pain atm, it really makes me want to drop it *sighs* on the other hand I love most of my English courses. There’s this one seminar where we're talking about American Children’s Literature, such as The Wizard of Oz and To Kill a Mockingbird. Another course should teach us Old English which is an awesome mixture of English, German and Danish and sounds really funny when you try to read it out, yay.
*There’s a new Hollister store in the neighbouring town. I like the style their clothes have, but sadly I don’t have enough money. I tend to spend my money on cosplay-related stuff, which is ridiculous. So I’m going to start saving more money from now on. I promise.
*Fandomwise… I’ve been to occupied acting all doll-y to really keep up, which makes me sad.
I’ve watched the DVD, which is awesome! Really awesome!
Still, it reminds me a lot of last year’s countdown DVD and I prefer 47, because 47 will always have a special place in my heart.
But it’s awesome. Nevertheless.
but I haven’t seen any of the new PVs or TV performances. Which is a shame, hu?
is there anyone who would mind to help me get back on track? I would love you forever <8
I’m going to end this novel post with a promise.
I promise to be more active, keep up with my fandom and FOR FUCK’S SAKE there are three fanfic ideas in my head and a k8-exchange ff to be written and they won’t write themselves!
How is everyone?
The last time I posted something in my journal was more than a month ago. I would love to say that nothing has happened during the past four weeks and that my life is boring as hell and I didn’t want to spam your f-lists with boring stuff.
Part of that is true.
Part of that is false.
Looking back to January, I’d posted a list with things I wanted to achieve this year. Two of these things I could finally cross out. I’ve lost 6-7 kg, being down to 55 kilo right now. Unfortunately, I’m still not really satisfied with how I look. 50kg would be awesome, but I’m not quite sure I’ll get there. Hm.
The second thing is “achieving” a boyfriend, which happened rather spontaneously and this is what keeps my head occupied a lot these days.
I love this guy. I really do.
He’s funny and can be cute if he wants and talks about intellectual stuff and business and all (he studies business informatics) and well, we’ve been friends for years now.
My last relationship ended, because my former partner tended to rely on me for making choices and barely said anything and didn’t speak when they had problems with my way of dealing with things. Which is a thing I really wanted to be different in my current relationship.
Funny thing is: we’re 7 weeks into this relationship and I start to development exactly these traits myself. It’s like I’ve lost my own character traits, turning into the model girlfriend who says nothing and is the pretty decoration of the guy and doesn’t have a clue about what he’s talking about. Which usually is not the case. I love to speak for myself, to ask questions, to talk, to get to know new things.
I hate to act like a doll. Really.
I used to blame it on the hormones coming along with taking birth control pills but that’s simply a lame excuse.
I should really start to stop blaming everything on something/someone else and start doing something against it. Because complaining has never been the best way to step forwards.
And stepping forwards is what I really want.
We’ve had a talk this morning and maybe it sounds lame but it’s a bit like my character traits happened to be back since I’ve noticed what exactly is wrong with my behavior.
I really need to stop thinking that he should decide, just because maybe he could dislike my ideas.
If there’s one thing I want our relationship to be about, it’s talking.
I want to be able to talk about problems, to find solutions. Today’s talk has done a lot to support this kind of relationship I want us to lead and I’m so happy about this I could start crying again, although that may be because of those damn pills that make me want to cry about every five minutes.
So this is something new I want to achieve now and during the next weeks: getting back my “strong” character and stop being manipulable. Of course to get back to the awesome grade our relationship was at when it started.
And for myself, because I used to like myself and now can only be ashamed of how I turned out to act. I don’t want to be ashamed of my actions.
I want to be proud.
*My next semester has started at the beginning of April and I’m already packed with learning boring stuff about mushrooms and seaweed and genes. Biology is a pain atm, it really makes me want to drop it *sighs* on the other hand I love most of my English courses. There’s this one seminar where we're talking about American Children’s Literature, such as The Wizard of Oz and To Kill a Mockingbird. Another course should teach us Old English which is an awesome mixture of English, German and Danish and sounds really funny when you try to read it out, yay.
*There’s a new Hollister store in the neighbouring town. I like the style their clothes have, but sadly I don’t have enough money. I tend to spend my money on cosplay-related stuff, which is ridiculous. So I’m going to start saving more money from now on. I promise.
*Fandomwise… I’ve been to occupied acting all doll-y to really keep up, which makes me sad.
I’ve watched the DVD, which is awesome! Really awesome!
Still, it reminds me a lot of last year’s countdown DVD and I prefer 47, because 47 will always have a special place in my heart.
But it’s awesome. Nevertheless.
but I haven’t seen any of the new PVs or TV performances. Which is a shame, hu?
is there anyone who would mind to help me get back on track? I would love you forever <8
I’m going to end this novel post with a promise.
I promise to be more active, keep up with my fandom and FOR FUCK’S SAKE there are three fanfic ideas in my head and a k8-exchange ff to be written and they won’t write themselves!
How is everyone?