Mutants, Rednecks, Aliens, Oh My...
Another rant about horror movies...
In the old days, say seventy years ago, there was a short paranoid obsession with apes raping our women. They were humanish enough to be a threat and unhuman enough to be an other. This fear fell into the "Indians and black natives raping white women" category. With King Kong we had a nice little mix of natives + ape x white woman horror. Ooh, scary. Over time it became so politically incorrect to turn non-whites into "the other" that even the human-like apes and monkeys were off the list of 'acceptable others' for villains. That was when we fell back to monsters that looked like white men but were actually inhuman under the guise. Our vampires and werewolves and frankenstein type zombies took the place of those natives (american & african types). While we had our creature from the black lagoon and fish monsters to replace the formerly maligned apes. Then something odd happened. We became obsessed with serial killers. Humans who were entirely human, yet behaved so inhuman that we could easily count them as the other.
This worked okay for a while. We've got our Bates and Jason and Freddy and Michael, and these days the Saw/Hostel type killers. While no one is calling it politically incorrect to malign vampires and werewolves, we're too mature to really buy into those anymore. Besides, everyone knows that vampires are witty hot guys or sparkly emo boys these days. Nothing scary about that. So we have our human psychopaths as the other. And what about our fish monsters and radioactive swamp monster guys stealing off with our blonde girls? Well, they've been replaced with Aliens that will slobber on the shuddering whimpering girls as a sweet bit of foreplay before shoving an egg laying tentacle down their throats. The only problem with that is aliens are also becoming a little oldschool. We're too mature to really buy into those anymore.
So we've replaced our alien other with...? Mutants. Heck yeah. Because while they might be biologically human, they certainly look like others. Grotesqueries, mentally impared, all the better to defile our women. And what about our intelligent serial killers? We still have a few, but it's hard to make intelligent killers be as gross and ridiculously outrageous when we're now insisting on our own maturity. We can only take so many Saws and Hostels before we start getting embarrassed about the whole "addiction to torture porn" issue. Then we start worrying that our defense - how realistic and maturely the plots are put together - will crumble around us. So we've got a subgenre of the human others. They're now rednecks because everyone knows the scariest thing to a rational intelligent modern person is the trashy white guys slurring and living on their porches instead of working like the rest of us. Ooh, scary. And when the movie is about a braindead thing, you can't expect rational decision making or anything less than extensive gore and inhuman activities. It's a braindead retard, after all, and they're naturally bestial.
Now my problem with this is that I'm not afraid of rednecks. I never have been. The same goes for mutant retards. The funny thing about drunken men who don't get off their porch (the classic redneck portrayal) is that...they're too drunk to out-think a chicken and they can hardly chase you without having to leave that porch. They might know more about skinning a dead animal and setting up a few thirty year old snares their grandpappy left them than a city dweller would, but they're hardly cunning or intelligent. If they were, they would be Saw-style serial killers and not rednecks. The same goes for mutant retards. Deformed and too mentally impared to put together a sentence, it's not likely they can run without stumbling from lumpy body parts and missing chunks of brain cells, let alone put together elaborate traps and schemes to catch their prey. As far as being "the other" goes, the rednecks are a dumbed down version of the natives we used to use (american & african). They're only dangerous in numbers and even then they don't have our technology. Remember, one of the icons of redneck-dom is having multiple vehicles on blocks, with no more than one that works, that being a rusty old clunker of a truck that can't go past thirty miles an hour. That's assuming they can even afford gas for the thing, which isn't likely since they wouldn't be rednecks if they worked enough to afford gas for a clunky old guzzler. As for the mutant retards? They're very dumbed down versions of the apes we used to use. Keep in mind that apes can be taught sign language, while even your smartest mutant retard can barely slur out more than two words (die and bitch being favorites these days). And while apes are naturally strong, they're also naturally graceful because their bodies and brains are just the way that nature intended them to be. Mutants are deformed. That's the whole point of them - that they're ugly and inhuman-looking enough to be threatening to our women. They might be unnaturally strong due to deformities (lacking pain receptors, in The X-files "Home" episode, for example), but they're still retards. Motion is determined by the brain more than the body. Retards may be perfectly formed physically, but they'll shamble like the mentally impared they are because...they're mentally impared. Thus our mutant retards have more in common with Romero style zombies than anything. How scary is a shambling hulk when you're a skinny little female who can (we assume) manage at least a ten mile per hour jog to get away? If you can think enough to turn a doornob, you're already way ahead of a retard that doesn't know enough to turn around when it comes face to face with a corner (think turtle intelligence and you got your average retard).
That being said, I never minded the old vampire movies. You've got sexy male predators wanting to suck the necks of pretty sleeping girls. Yum. And no matter how many slutty lesbian vamp-slaves they have back home, they're always on the prowl for the innocent virgins. Yeah, baby. Supernatural rapists are classic. "I wasn't unfaithful, Joseph, honest! The holy spirit impregnated me!" Uh-huh, or it was that vampire count. Don't worry, we believe you. By the way, how was he?
I never minded the 'normal' serial killers. The scariest killer to me was Gacy. Not because he was a clown (ooh, scary), but because he would never have gotten caught if he hadn't turned greedy. Had he kept his sights limited to prostitutes and homeless kids, he could have easily bought another house once the crawl space under his own filled up and kept killing until he felt like retiring. Here was a real person living a normal life, yet partaking in all the grotesque tortures we currently shiver at in our torture-porn horror movies. He didn't have to be a genius like Hector or the Saw-type killers. He didn't have to live in a mine out in the middle of nowhere like our 'Hills have eyes' mutants. He was of average intelligence living in a normal town and getting away with his business for years. To me, this is the scary stuff. It's not your redneck clans and mutant-monsters and genius-psychopaths that do the majority of killing around here. It's the regular people who authorities and suspicious people never think to look at. The guy living down the street from you could have twenty bodies under his house and you'd never know about it unless he got sloppy or greedy and messed up. Notice that cops rarely catch killers, it's the killers' own sloppiness that gets them caught. So if the horror buffs need an "other" to steal their women, let it be the unrecognizable other. The one who looks just like us. He's the real monster.
I never minded aliens. I admit that the tentacle rape and slippery smearing of female body parts has neared Japanese hentai levels, but I still accept it. One look at a tabloid tells us that people still connect anal probes with aliens in their daily "rational" thoughts. We think aliens would come all the way to earth in order to check out our butts. In that case, having aliens in movies be obsessed with rubbing their slimy tongue-heads over women's cheeks and breasts, and shoving egg-laying-tentacles down their throats, then it's only natural. Humans are obsessed with sex, so aliens in movies are just as obsessed with sexually molesting our women. The only curious thing about this genre is the lack of anal probing of males, but "Dreamcatcher" tried to give a bit of that to make up for the unfairness. So our guys are getting violated as well as our women? Excellent. Equality is very nice in a modern society like ours.
I never minded zombie type killers of the Jason/Michael breed. Unstoppable killing machines. They're like the sharks in our Jaws-type movies, except they penetrate our women with sharp objects instead of chewing on their legs. They don't need superior intelligence or complex tricks to get their targets. We run away, they walk around us and stab us from the front. We get out of the water, they chew through the boat. We kill one, it (or one that looks just like it) comes back for the sequel. It's just man against nature. Or women, since they're the ones we really fear (and want to see) chewed, sliced, penetrated, and left a naked bloody mess. Yeah, baby. Although at least in the case of Jason and Jaws they did target men as often as women. Again, we have to appreciate equality in our killers.
What I do mind is the current theory that a horror movie must have a redneck/mutant/serial killer threat in order to be scary. I know there are still some little old women who see a black guy and scurry to the other side of the street for fear he'll attack and rape her. I know there might actually be some city-dwellers who see a scruffy man with a bottle of homemade wine sitting on his porch and shiver at the thought that their car might break down and he'll mutilate them beyond recognition before cooking them for an inbred family picnic. There may even be a few people who see some shambling man with down syndrome and get the creeps at the thought of him sliding his body over one of their women. But for the majority of people, we see these types of people often enough in our daily lives to roll our eyes at the weirdos afraid of them. You grow up in the south, you see rednecks all over. And they're just not clean cut enough to be a Gacy, so what's to worry about them when you have a seemingly nice looking man giving you weird looks when you walk across a parkinglot? You go to McDonalds and Walmart and see your down syndrome men, and when they smile and try to remember their greeting lines, you feel pity and sympathy not fear. You go to school in a semi-big town and you not only see blacks but asians and hispanics and a whole tone of people so mixed you can't tell and don't care what they'd be classified as in a horror movie. These others aren't scary. Including them as if it were necessary is playing to the minority of biggoted viewers who need to get out of the house more often. In that case it's the viewers who are scary.
Unfortunately, I have to assume I'm wrong about the bigots being the minority. Every horror movie out in the last ten or so years seems to include an obligatory mutant/redneck/hockymask killer. Even King's "1408" had a masked killer pop up, looking horribly out of place and serving no purpose whatsoever except to add a check mark next in the "mutant/masked killer" box. I accept all the Hills have eyes on the wrong turn to the trailer park of terror movies with their penchant for retarded mutants and hillbillies. They play to a specific audience and they're not hard to avoid. What gets me is that this penchant is encroaching on our classic horror genres that they don't belong in.
What place does a redneck have in the Halloween series? Let alone a whole family of the things? This is a masked killer series, of the Jaws/Jason/human-vs-unstoppable killing machine genre. It's not a Trailer Park Has Eyes movie.
Why is there a whole segment devoted to redneck hunters in The Crazies? This is a rage-type zombie-plague movie. Suddenly including a handful of Trailer Park Has Eyes redneck mutant retards as the main threat is wrong. Wrong movie, wrong audience. Not to mention the rednecks go from enthusiastic Trailer Park type killers to brainless gross mutant Hills retards from one scene to the next. Stop mixing genres. We don't need the redneck/mutant threats in our zombie movies.
What the heck happened to Jason in the 'reimagining' of Friday the 13th? He went from being Jaws to being the mastermind of Saw, with a Hills Have Eyes 2 series of tunnels and traps and a penchant for kidnapping the final girl. They might as well have had him rape her like the zombies do in Hills 2 because this isn't Jaws anymore. It's a redneck mutant after our women with enough Saws-type genius to put ninjas to shame. Aren't there already enough redneck mutant movies out without turning our classics into yet another one? Modernizing? Only if modern means redneck mutant genius killers, and I truly hope that's not the case.
You know what I forsee? More of the same until no one under 50 will remember the day when horror meant anything other than redneck mutant genius retards jumping clean little slut girls. Ooh, goody. Predictions:
Another Psycho movie, a 'reimagining' where instead of being a clean cut white guy, Norman Bates is a trashy redneck with a penchant for rape and mutilation and so many traps and killing rooms in his hotel that he'd put H.H.Holmes to shame.
A rage-type zombie movie where instead of hungering for violence and human flesh, the infected hunger for juicy white p*ssy. [I know there's already at least one porno for this theme, but I fully expect to see a rated R theater release within the next few years. We're certainly building up to it with the soft porn in the Friday the 13th remake. Forget T&A, we need full out sex and rape scenes to get off these days. Right there in a packed theater, no less.]
More aliens gestating in human hosts, complete with a lot more tentacles, oral (or other) penetration, and of course sticky/slimy fluids smeared over the women. If Dreamcatcher could get away with rectal sh*t weasels, I'm sure the guys in the torture porn industry can make some truly grotesque female debauchery if they set their minds to it. And it'll make for packed theaters because we just adore this stuff.
A movie about our formerly recluse mutant rapists moving into a small town and taking over the population. We're straining to find new reasons for intelligent folk to accidentally walk into these mutants' territories. Having them take the innitiative is clearly the next step. They're geniuses at traps and the underground, so they'd do very well in our sewers after they're done hiding in barns and killing farm folk and move on to bigger cities. And with them coming to us, we don't have to make supposedly smart women do stupid things in order to have them raped and murdered. They could be good little virgins staying quietly at home and still have the mutants all over them. The poor dears.
What I'd like see, since this trend is clearly not going away any time soon:
A movie with gay mutants. Surely brain-dead mutant hornballs would enjoy reaming the guys as much as the girls. Just think how much louder the guys would scream during it, ooh torture porn. And that would actually scare the hell out of the males in the audience, instead of getting them off the way the female torture scenes do. This is supposed to be horror, after all. Scaring them a little won't hurt anyone, right?
Equal opportunity aliens. The original Aliens were perfectly fine planting their eggs in male hosts. There's no reason for the new PredAlien breed to use a uterus as an incubator when there are plenty of guys with mouths big enough to shove that egg-laying tentacle down there and squirt out some football sized eggs. I didn't see any guys getting scared or even uncomfortable when it happened to the girls, but I bet they'd be scared if it happened to guys. Horror = scary, remember?
More female rednecks. Trailer Park of Terror had a female lead. It's easy to forget that with all the nasty guys and torturing of girls going on, but it did have a good dose of female-on-male violence. How about we see some more of these poor trashy rednecked females putting uptight city boys in their place? Surely as cunning as rednecks are in these movies, they don't need to rely solely on physical strength to torture their city-bred victims. Drugs, traps, a good old fashioned gun - there are lots of ways to render a city-boy helpless. And if they take my advice and have the trashy redneck/mutant element move into the cities, then we could even have a killer redneck hooker. How many real life serial killers have targetted hookers? Most of the ones we know about. Turning it around would be one heck of a ride. You could even make her a lesbian or equal-opportunity seducer slash killer so the guys in the audience don't feel targetted too badly. Just have a scene where she leaves a female victime with blood smeared on her naked breasts and the guys will forgive any female-on-male violence you include in the film.
A redneck/mutant slaughter film, where it's the rednecks and mutants being targetted by the supposedly cleancut city folk. The government always makes a nice foil with their attempts to kill the good people along with all the dirty bad people. Drop a bomb, indeed. Why not have a military squad or civilian mob of vigilantes do the killing and torturing? You could even have the rednecks and mutants rape some poor white girls first so they deserve what's coming for them. It would a revenge flic and anything goes in those. The point is that most of the violence would be done to the freaks instead of the other way around. If done right, we'd even feel a little sorry for them and sick at the supposedly 'good' guys for being even worse than the ones they're trying to get revenge on. Most revenge movies don't really make us care one way or the other - not about the victim or about the villains being tortured for revenge. But a party of outsiders getting revenge for someone they didn't even know personally? A military group that could be blamed for not preventing the thing in the first place suddenly stepping up to right the wrong by being even worse than the villains? That would play on our morals and just might make some people uncomfortable. Uneasy as you walk out of the theater is closer to "fear" than most reactions we get from current horror movies, so that would be an improvement. At least we'd feel something that would last longer than the drive home.
What I'd really like is for the mutant redneck Saw-type killers to stay out of my Zombie and Jaws-type horror movies. Don't merge the genres on me. Don't lump all horror into the Rob Zombie style trashy white killers bin. It doesn't belong there. I don't want it. And I swear, if the rednecks and mutants start moving in on the ghost stories, I'm going to be very unpleasant. It's bad enough I can't get an R-rated haunted house movie without a masked killer or torture porn gore.
At least leave a few horror movies alone so us old people can tell our kids that horror means scary. Right now, we have to tell them that horror means gore and violence against women. So what are those kids going to think when they find out Edgar Allen Poe was supposed to be a horror icon? "But he doesn't throw guts all over naked women's breasts so guys in the audience can jerk off in the dark theater! That's not horror!" Well, they're right. That's not horror according to today's definition, but it should be. It used to be. There was a time when horror did not equal porn. I'm old enough to want those days back and rational enough to know it's a lost cause. So I accept that horror today equals porn. Fine. Just leave us a few classics to wax nostalgic over. You don't have to remake *every* horror movie in existence into a modern porn flick. Skip a few. Leave us something. If all teens grow up on this stuff, the future script writers among them will end up writing more of that stuff. One generation and the horror movie genre will be unsalvagable. If you want to keep making money off these remakes, you should take that into consideration.
...
In the old days, say seventy years ago, there was a short paranoid obsession with apes raping our women. They were humanish enough to be a threat and unhuman enough to be an other. This fear fell into the "Indians and black natives raping white women" category. With King Kong we had a nice little mix of natives + ape x white woman horror. Ooh, scary. Over time it became so politically incorrect to turn non-whites into "the other" that even the human-like apes and monkeys were off the list of 'acceptable others' for villains. That was when we fell back to monsters that looked like white men but were actually inhuman under the guise. Our vampires and werewolves and frankenstein type zombies took the place of those natives (american & african types). While we had our creature from the black lagoon and fish monsters to replace the formerly maligned apes. Then something odd happened. We became obsessed with serial killers. Humans who were entirely human, yet behaved so inhuman that we could easily count them as the other.
This worked okay for a while. We've got our Bates and Jason and Freddy and Michael, and these days the Saw/Hostel type killers. While no one is calling it politically incorrect to malign vampires and werewolves, we're too mature to really buy into those anymore. Besides, everyone knows that vampires are witty hot guys or sparkly emo boys these days. Nothing scary about that. So we have our human psychopaths as the other. And what about our fish monsters and radioactive swamp monster guys stealing off with our blonde girls? Well, they've been replaced with Aliens that will slobber on the shuddering whimpering girls as a sweet bit of foreplay before shoving an egg laying tentacle down their throats. The only problem with that is aliens are also becoming a little oldschool. We're too mature to really buy into those anymore.
So we've replaced our alien other with...? Mutants. Heck yeah. Because while they might be biologically human, they certainly look like others. Grotesqueries, mentally impared, all the better to defile our women. And what about our intelligent serial killers? We still have a few, but it's hard to make intelligent killers be as gross and ridiculously outrageous when we're now insisting on our own maturity. We can only take so many Saws and Hostels before we start getting embarrassed about the whole "addiction to torture porn" issue. Then we start worrying that our defense - how realistic and maturely the plots are put together - will crumble around us. So we've got a subgenre of the human others. They're now rednecks because everyone knows the scariest thing to a rational intelligent modern person is the trashy white guys slurring and living on their porches instead of working like the rest of us. Ooh, scary. And when the movie is about a braindead thing, you can't expect rational decision making or anything less than extensive gore and inhuman activities. It's a braindead retard, after all, and they're naturally bestial.
Now my problem with this is that I'm not afraid of rednecks. I never have been. The same goes for mutant retards. The funny thing about drunken men who don't get off their porch (the classic redneck portrayal) is that...they're too drunk to out-think a chicken and they can hardly chase you without having to leave that porch. They might know more about skinning a dead animal and setting up a few thirty year old snares their grandpappy left them than a city dweller would, but they're hardly cunning or intelligent. If they were, they would be Saw-style serial killers and not rednecks. The same goes for mutant retards. Deformed and too mentally impared to put together a sentence, it's not likely they can run without stumbling from lumpy body parts and missing chunks of brain cells, let alone put together elaborate traps and schemes to catch their prey. As far as being "the other" goes, the rednecks are a dumbed down version of the natives we used to use (american & african). They're only dangerous in numbers and even then they don't have our technology. Remember, one of the icons of redneck-dom is having multiple vehicles on blocks, with no more than one that works, that being a rusty old clunker of a truck that can't go past thirty miles an hour. That's assuming they can even afford gas for the thing, which isn't likely since they wouldn't be rednecks if they worked enough to afford gas for a clunky old guzzler. As for the mutant retards? They're very dumbed down versions of the apes we used to use. Keep in mind that apes can be taught sign language, while even your smartest mutant retard can barely slur out more than two words (die and bitch being favorites these days). And while apes are naturally strong, they're also naturally graceful because their bodies and brains are just the way that nature intended them to be. Mutants are deformed. That's the whole point of them - that they're ugly and inhuman-looking enough to be threatening to our women. They might be unnaturally strong due to deformities (lacking pain receptors, in The X-files "Home" episode, for example), but they're still retards. Motion is determined by the brain more than the body. Retards may be perfectly formed physically, but they'll shamble like the mentally impared they are because...they're mentally impared. Thus our mutant retards have more in common with Romero style zombies than anything. How scary is a shambling hulk when you're a skinny little female who can (we assume) manage at least a ten mile per hour jog to get away? If you can think enough to turn a doornob, you're already way ahead of a retard that doesn't know enough to turn around when it comes face to face with a corner (think turtle intelligence and you got your average retard).
That being said, I never minded the old vampire movies. You've got sexy male predators wanting to suck the necks of pretty sleeping girls. Yum. And no matter how many slutty lesbian vamp-slaves they have back home, they're always on the prowl for the innocent virgins. Yeah, baby. Supernatural rapists are classic. "I wasn't unfaithful, Joseph, honest! The holy spirit impregnated me!" Uh-huh, or it was that vampire count. Don't worry, we believe you. By the way, how was he?
I never minded the 'normal' serial killers. The scariest killer to me was Gacy. Not because he was a clown (ooh, scary), but because he would never have gotten caught if he hadn't turned greedy. Had he kept his sights limited to prostitutes and homeless kids, he could have easily bought another house once the crawl space under his own filled up and kept killing until he felt like retiring. Here was a real person living a normal life, yet partaking in all the grotesque tortures we currently shiver at in our torture-porn horror movies. He didn't have to be a genius like Hector or the Saw-type killers. He didn't have to live in a mine out in the middle of nowhere like our 'Hills have eyes' mutants. He was of average intelligence living in a normal town and getting away with his business for years. To me, this is the scary stuff. It's not your redneck clans and mutant-monsters and genius-psychopaths that do the majority of killing around here. It's the regular people who authorities and suspicious people never think to look at. The guy living down the street from you could have twenty bodies under his house and you'd never know about it unless he got sloppy or greedy and messed up. Notice that cops rarely catch killers, it's the killers' own sloppiness that gets them caught. So if the horror buffs need an "other" to steal their women, let it be the unrecognizable other. The one who looks just like us. He's the real monster.
I never minded aliens. I admit that the tentacle rape and slippery smearing of female body parts has neared Japanese hentai levels, but I still accept it. One look at a tabloid tells us that people still connect anal probes with aliens in their daily "rational" thoughts. We think aliens would come all the way to earth in order to check out our butts. In that case, having aliens in movies be obsessed with rubbing their slimy tongue-heads over women's cheeks and breasts, and shoving egg-laying-tentacles down their throats, then it's only natural. Humans are obsessed with sex, so aliens in movies are just as obsessed with sexually molesting our women. The only curious thing about this genre is the lack of anal probing of males, but "Dreamcatcher" tried to give a bit of that to make up for the unfairness. So our guys are getting violated as well as our women? Excellent. Equality is very nice in a modern society like ours.
I never minded zombie type killers of the Jason/Michael breed. Unstoppable killing machines. They're like the sharks in our Jaws-type movies, except they penetrate our women with sharp objects instead of chewing on their legs. They don't need superior intelligence or complex tricks to get their targets. We run away, they walk around us and stab us from the front. We get out of the water, they chew through the boat. We kill one, it (or one that looks just like it) comes back for the sequel. It's just man against nature. Or women, since they're the ones we really fear (and want to see) chewed, sliced, penetrated, and left a naked bloody mess. Yeah, baby. Although at least in the case of Jason and Jaws they did target men as often as women. Again, we have to appreciate equality in our killers.
What I do mind is the current theory that a horror movie must have a redneck/mutant/serial killer threat in order to be scary. I know there are still some little old women who see a black guy and scurry to the other side of the street for fear he'll attack and rape her. I know there might actually be some city-dwellers who see a scruffy man with a bottle of homemade wine sitting on his porch and shiver at the thought that their car might break down and he'll mutilate them beyond recognition before cooking them for an inbred family picnic. There may even be a few people who see some shambling man with down syndrome and get the creeps at the thought of him sliding his body over one of their women. But for the majority of people, we see these types of people often enough in our daily lives to roll our eyes at the weirdos afraid of them. You grow up in the south, you see rednecks all over. And they're just not clean cut enough to be a Gacy, so what's to worry about them when you have a seemingly nice looking man giving you weird looks when you walk across a parkinglot? You go to McDonalds and Walmart and see your down syndrome men, and when they smile and try to remember their greeting lines, you feel pity and sympathy not fear. You go to school in a semi-big town and you not only see blacks but asians and hispanics and a whole tone of people so mixed you can't tell and don't care what they'd be classified as in a horror movie. These others aren't scary. Including them as if it were necessary is playing to the minority of biggoted viewers who need to get out of the house more often. In that case it's the viewers who are scary.
Unfortunately, I have to assume I'm wrong about the bigots being the minority. Every horror movie out in the last ten or so years seems to include an obligatory mutant/redneck/hockymask killer. Even King's "1408" had a masked killer pop up, looking horribly out of place and serving no purpose whatsoever except to add a check mark next in the "mutant/masked killer" box. I accept all the Hills have eyes on the wrong turn to the trailer park of terror movies with their penchant for retarded mutants and hillbillies. They play to a specific audience and they're not hard to avoid. What gets me is that this penchant is encroaching on our classic horror genres that they don't belong in.
What place does a redneck have in the Halloween series? Let alone a whole family of the things? This is a masked killer series, of the Jaws/Jason/human-vs-unstoppable killing machine genre. It's not a Trailer Park Has Eyes movie.
Why is there a whole segment devoted to redneck hunters in The Crazies? This is a rage-type zombie-plague movie. Suddenly including a handful of Trailer Park Has Eyes redneck mutant retards as the main threat is wrong. Wrong movie, wrong audience. Not to mention the rednecks go from enthusiastic Trailer Park type killers to brainless gross mutant Hills retards from one scene to the next. Stop mixing genres. We don't need the redneck/mutant threats in our zombie movies.
What the heck happened to Jason in the 'reimagining' of Friday the 13th? He went from being Jaws to being the mastermind of Saw, with a Hills Have Eyes 2 series of tunnels and traps and a penchant for kidnapping the final girl. They might as well have had him rape her like the zombies do in Hills 2 because this isn't Jaws anymore. It's a redneck mutant after our women with enough Saws-type genius to put ninjas to shame. Aren't there already enough redneck mutant movies out without turning our classics into yet another one? Modernizing? Only if modern means redneck mutant genius killers, and I truly hope that's not the case.
You know what I forsee? More of the same until no one under 50 will remember the day when horror meant anything other than redneck mutant genius retards jumping clean little slut girls. Ooh, goody. Predictions:
Another Psycho movie, a 'reimagining' where instead of being a clean cut white guy, Norman Bates is a trashy redneck with a penchant for rape and mutilation and so many traps and killing rooms in his hotel that he'd put H.H.Holmes to shame.
A rage-type zombie movie where instead of hungering for violence and human flesh, the infected hunger for juicy white p*ssy. [I know there's already at least one porno for this theme, but I fully expect to see a rated R theater release within the next few years. We're certainly building up to it with the soft porn in the Friday the 13th remake. Forget T&A, we need full out sex and rape scenes to get off these days. Right there in a packed theater, no less.]
More aliens gestating in human hosts, complete with a lot more tentacles, oral (or other) penetration, and of course sticky/slimy fluids smeared over the women. If Dreamcatcher could get away with rectal sh*t weasels, I'm sure the guys in the torture porn industry can make some truly grotesque female debauchery if they set their minds to it. And it'll make for packed theaters because we just adore this stuff.
A movie about our formerly recluse mutant rapists moving into a small town and taking over the population. We're straining to find new reasons for intelligent folk to accidentally walk into these mutants' territories. Having them take the innitiative is clearly the next step. They're geniuses at traps and the underground, so they'd do very well in our sewers after they're done hiding in barns and killing farm folk and move on to bigger cities. And with them coming to us, we don't have to make supposedly smart women do stupid things in order to have them raped and murdered. They could be good little virgins staying quietly at home and still have the mutants all over them. The poor dears.
What I'd like see, since this trend is clearly not going away any time soon:
A movie with gay mutants. Surely brain-dead mutant hornballs would enjoy reaming the guys as much as the girls. Just think how much louder the guys would scream during it, ooh torture porn. And that would actually scare the hell out of the males in the audience, instead of getting them off the way the female torture scenes do. This is supposed to be horror, after all. Scaring them a little won't hurt anyone, right?
Equal opportunity aliens. The original Aliens were perfectly fine planting their eggs in male hosts. There's no reason for the new PredAlien breed to use a uterus as an incubator when there are plenty of guys with mouths big enough to shove that egg-laying tentacle down there and squirt out some football sized eggs. I didn't see any guys getting scared or even uncomfortable when it happened to the girls, but I bet they'd be scared if it happened to guys. Horror = scary, remember?
More female rednecks. Trailer Park of Terror had a female lead. It's easy to forget that with all the nasty guys and torturing of girls going on, but it did have a good dose of female-on-male violence. How about we see some more of these poor trashy rednecked females putting uptight city boys in their place? Surely as cunning as rednecks are in these movies, they don't need to rely solely on physical strength to torture their city-bred victims. Drugs, traps, a good old fashioned gun - there are lots of ways to render a city-boy helpless. And if they take my advice and have the trashy redneck/mutant element move into the cities, then we could even have a killer redneck hooker. How many real life serial killers have targetted hookers? Most of the ones we know about. Turning it around would be one heck of a ride. You could even make her a lesbian or equal-opportunity seducer slash killer so the guys in the audience don't feel targetted too badly. Just have a scene where she leaves a female victime with blood smeared on her naked breasts and the guys will forgive any female-on-male violence you include in the film.
A redneck/mutant slaughter film, where it's the rednecks and mutants being targetted by the supposedly cleancut city folk. The government always makes a nice foil with their attempts to kill the good people along with all the dirty bad people. Drop a bomb, indeed. Why not have a military squad or civilian mob of vigilantes do the killing and torturing? You could even have the rednecks and mutants rape some poor white girls first so they deserve what's coming for them. It would a revenge flic and anything goes in those. The point is that most of the violence would be done to the freaks instead of the other way around. If done right, we'd even feel a little sorry for them and sick at the supposedly 'good' guys for being even worse than the ones they're trying to get revenge on. Most revenge movies don't really make us care one way or the other - not about the victim or about the villains being tortured for revenge. But a party of outsiders getting revenge for someone they didn't even know personally? A military group that could be blamed for not preventing the thing in the first place suddenly stepping up to right the wrong by being even worse than the villains? That would play on our morals and just might make some people uncomfortable. Uneasy as you walk out of the theater is closer to "fear" than most reactions we get from current horror movies, so that would be an improvement. At least we'd feel something that would last longer than the drive home.
What I'd really like is for the mutant redneck Saw-type killers to stay out of my Zombie and Jaws-type horror movies. Don't merge the genres on me. Don't lump all horror into the Rob Zombie style trashy white killers bin. It doesn't belong there. I don't want it. And I swear, if the rednecks and mutants start moving in on the ghost stories, I'm going to be very unpleasant. It's bad enough I can't get an R-rated haunted house movie without a masked killer or torture porn gore.
At least leave a few horror movies alone so us old people can tell our kids that horror means scary. Right now, we have to tell them that horror means gore and violence against women. So what are those kids going to think when they find out Edgar Allen Poe was supposed to be a horror icon? "But he doesn't throw guts all over naked women's breasts so guys in the audience can jerk off in the dark theater! That's not horror!" Well, they're right. That's not horror according to today's definition, but it should be. It used to be. There was a time when horror did not equal porn. I'm old enough to want those days back and rational enough to know it's a lost cause. So I accept that horror today equals porn. Fine. Just leave us a few classics to wax nostalgic over. You don't have to remake *every* horror movie in existence into a modern porn flick. Skip a few. Leave us something. If all teens grow up on this stuff, the future script writers among them will end up writing more of that stuff. One generation and the horror movie genre will be unsalvagable. If you want to keep making money off these remakes, you should take that into consideration.
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