Zombies!
Here's column number 2. I don't think it's that good, but i know we do like zombies!
Gaaaah, Zombies!
Matt Jones
Everybody is aware of the one concern in the forefront of every modern homeowner's mind: zombies. What can they do to make sure that they and their loved ones remain safe and uneaten in case of a Full-Scale Zombie Outbreak? Because, face it, the threat of being devoured by the reanimated dead is much more troubling than deciding whether to paint the kitchen robin's egg blue or sea spray blue.
It is clear to any moderately sane person that today's society is woefully unprepared for a zombie outbreak of apocalyptic proportions. If movies and the Internet have taught me anything important, it’s that the big zombie attack is inevitable, and it can happen anytime and anywhere. Not to worry! As long as you take some precautions, you should be perfectly safe.
Today’s suburban houses provide hardly any protection against the living dead. They include lots of windows and vinyl siding, and they have flimsy, lightweight doors that might as well be balsa wood for all the zombies they’re going to stop. If there’s one thing I learned for Shaun of the Dead, it is that windows are bad, bad, BAD. Windows are like plastic wrap to zombies: transparent covers that they need to tear away to get to the juicy morsels inside.
Protected only by deathtrap houses like these, everyone in the suburbs would be wiped out faster than you can say, "Oh God it ATE MY ARM AAAAH!" With this in mind, you should weld sturdy iron bars across all your windows, especially on the ground floor where zombies and persistent Jehovah’s Witnesses can get in. While installing them, ignore passersby who laugh at you. You will be the one laughing soon enough.
You need to be able to defend yourself at any time an attack may occur. You want to have good weapons kept at several strategic locations in your house. These are everyday items you should find around your home, like baseball bats, shovels, hoes, assault rifles, etc.
You can never know when an attack might occur, so always carefully evaluate your situation. Is your neighbor there at the door to ask for a cup of sugar, or to gnaw your flesh off? I say it's better to err on the side of caution; if anyone approaches your house, be sure to fire a few warning shots into their head.
In fact, I would opt to get a whole new house, one made of good old zombie-stopping brick, stone, or windowless reinforced titanium. Remember, there’s nothing to keep you from being totally prepared for a zombie incursion. That is, unless you can find a really good psychiatrist.
Gaaaah, Zombies!
Matt Jones
Everybody is aware of the one concern in the forefront of every modern homeowner's mind: zombies. What can they do to make sure that they and their loved ones remain safe and uneaten in case of a Full-Scale Zombie Outbreak? Because, face it, the threat of being devoured by the reanimated dead is much more troubling than deciding whether to paint the kitchen robin's egg blue or sea spray blue.
It is clear to any moderately sane person that today's society is woefully unprepared for a zombie outbreak of apocalyptic proportions. If movies and the Internet have taught me anything important, it’s that the big zombie attack is inevitable, and it can happen anytime and anywhere. Not to worry! As long as you take some precautions, you should be perfectly safe.
Today’s suburban houses provide hardly any protection against the living dead. They include lots of windows and vinyl siding, and they have flimsy, lightweight doors that might as well be balsa wood for all the zombies they’re going to stop. If there’s one thing I learned for Shaun of the Dead, it is that windows are bad, bad, BAD. Windows are like plastic wrap to zombies: transparent covers that they need to tear away to get to the juicy morsels inside.
Protected only by deathtrap houses like these, everyone in the suburbs would be wiped out faster than you can say, "Oh God it ATE MY ARM AAAAH!" With this in mind, you should weld sturdy iron bars across all your windows, especially on the ground floor where zombies and persistent Jehovah’s Witnesses can get in. While installing them, ignore passersby who laugh at you. You will be the one laughing soon enough.
You need to be able to defend yourself at any time an attack may occur. You want to have good weapons kept at several strategic locations in your house. These are everyday items you should find around your home, like baseball bats, shovels, hoes, assault rifles, etc.
You can never know when an attack might occur, so always carefully evaluate your situation. Is your neighbor there at the door to ask for a cup of sugar, or to gnaw your flesh off? I say it's better to err on the side of caution; if anyone approaches your house, be sure to fire a few warning shots into their head.
In fact, I would opt to get a whole new house, one made of good old zombie-stopping brick, stone, or windowless reinforced titanium. Remember, there’s nothing to keep you from being totally prepared for a zombie incursion. That is, unless you can find a really good psychiatrist.