(no subject)
Today I was again reminded of all the things that interest me, that other people have done and I have failed to do; everything I'm too scared to do because I'm afraid of failing and being humiliated. I dump my thoughts here but I feel it kind of worthless to do; I never feel better, it just stops hurting for a while; I feel like it's not a proper problem so I'm not allowed to rant about it and I'm a whiny bitch for doing so. And you'll never read about the other times, because seems I never have the inclination to write when it doesn't hurt; I haven't had the inclination to write like I used to in a long time.
I have an attitude I can't shake that I have to be serious and do something right and properly, or not at all and it's worthless to try. I think it may be why I never actually do all the things I start... I never let myself be bad; never let myself shrug off embarrassment and actually let myself enjoy it so I can carry on, learn and stop being bad at it; I start off bad at it, I always drop into being self-conscious and thinking 'no, it has to be right, I'm bad at this, why bother?' as if by some habit.