MURDER MYSTERY PART 2! (Making fun of the Dorp Squad)
Edit: Forget what happened in part one? Refresh your memory!
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I continued, for several months, to give thoughtful glances at the pool of candidates who would make up our search teams. As I had free reign over who I would choose, I felt some pressure to make a wise decision. Ultimately, I could come to only one conclusion, the only one that seemed right for this situation.
"My first choice is... Detective Anne Marie!" I decided, jovially.
"WOW!" Sungwon shouted. "NO!"
"Wow! You don't OWN me!" Anne Marie shouted back.
"Seriously?" ProZD asked in a somewhat grouchy tone. "Why? Why would you pick Anne Marie? Also, that joke's like, what, a year old now?"
"Look," I started, quickly making up a way to justify my decision. In truth, I just kind of thought the Detective Anne Marie thing felt appropriate, if a little dated. "This is super serious business, and we can't have y'all makin' out all over the place while we're trying to save our friend. Just to make sure."
"Fine!" Sungwon shouted. "I choose Sarah D!"
"Wagheh!" Mewd muttered in hopeless agitation.
"Oh man, I've never been picked second!" Dogss cheered. "Thank you Sungwon!"
"Are... are we really going to do this?" Mewd protested.
"Stop whining," Sungwon demanded. "Pick your first person."
With a defeated sigh, Mewd turned to the people before him. "Fine... Alright, let's see here... M'kay, Wiggy, get up here, buddy."
Wiggy was already asleep. Siro quickly shook him awake.
"Wha!" Wiggy gasped. "Oh... good morning, Mewd."
"Wiggy, you're coming with me," Mewd explained. "So WAKE UP and stand next to me."
Wiggy stretched out his arms and made a terrible noise like he was having some kind of super orgasm. Gross. "Guys I don't wanna do improv right now..."
"Uh, no dummy," Sungwon said. "We're looking for Torte so that he doesn't die."
"Oh, I don't wanna find Torte," Wiggy mumbled. "He's going to die." He was obviously still a little sleep drunk. Even so, he managed to stand up and mosey over next to Mewd.
It was my turn once again. My eyes fell on Morri, who I figured would probably be pretty enthusiastic about this murder mystery business, but immediately the realization hit me that if I had picked her next, the entirity of Girl's Club would have been drafted immediately. Even though Girl's Club existed like, what, a year ago, I furrowed my brow, onto their wicked schemes. Morgan seemed unsure what to make of my sudden change in emotion. Team Boy must prevail. Team Boy must be completed first. "Jackson!" I shouted, abruptly swinging over to meet his eye. "Get up here! Team Boy!"
"Team Boy!" Siro yelled back.
"Team Boy!" Sungwon joined in, even though he was on the other team.
We exchanged high fives and ludicrous dances as a celebration of manliness. Most present were utterly befuddled. When the hoo ha died down, I suddenly realized that my team currently consisted of Cherri and Siro, who were pretty terrible choices, all things considered. Classic Team Boy lack of foresight.
"Morgan," Sungwon picked.
"All right!" Morgan cheered. "Oh man, I can't believe I wasn't picked last." Given the candidates available, it didn't surprise me one bit. "I even have a magnifying glass with me, I'm always prepared for this sort of thing!" She started magnifying things, like the floor and the table.
"For everyone you know to be potentially murdered horribly?" I asked for clarification.
"Hey, it happens!" Morri explained. Fair enough!
"Okay!" Sungwon interjected. "Mewd, who you gonna pick second?"
Immediately several of us started chanting this. A variation of "Who you gonna visit second?". It was funny a year ago, so why shouldn't it be funny now? Mewd was clearly having trouble putting up with our shenanigans. He opted to ignore it entirely and just carry on with his next choice.
"Alright, Reno," Mewd picked. "You're the last one I can actually count on to accomplish anything, so I choose you!"
"Thanks, Mewd," Reno said. "You're alright too."
"Hey now, I object to that!" Wilco whined. "I'm pretty reliable too, ya know."
"Frost," I chose, specifically to spite Wilco. His verbal outburst had told me that I succeeded.
"This is stupid," Frost groaned. In that moment is dawned on me that I had, in fact, just chosen this man for my team. "None of this makes any sense. I'm not getting out of this chair."
"Frost!" I spat. "We are saving a man's life! Get your ass up here!"
"How do we know Torte's even here?" Frost said. "That letter made no sense. Why would somebody plan to be murdered? And since when do we even listen to Jonathan Jones? That guy's boring and stupid."
"Hey, hey, HEY!" I shouted in a furious rage. "Don't you DARE slander the name of our glorious leader, may he rest in peace! Now close your stupid game and help us look, alright?"
He gave me a cold stare, like he was staring into my very soul. "Fine," he whined, closing his Solitop (which is only for playing Solitaire) and getting up to stand by my team. "We're not going to find him, anyway. He's probably already dead."
The final two candidates, Wilco and MGAW, sat before us with puppy dog eyes. As nerds, we've all grown up a step or two behind the rest of the kids. Getting picked last is especially cruel for people like us, as it is only reinforcing this psychological damage and reminding us of our place in society. Sungwon's choice here could have serious ramifications, and was not to be made lightly.
"Wilco," ProZD said with no hesitation. "Absolutely not MGAW."
"Oh, th... that's alright guys," MGAW whimpered. "I'm just happy to be able to spend time with you at all."
"Hey, cheer up, sport!" Wilco said, patting Kraig on the back as he stood to join the ranks of ProZD's team. "Look at it this way; you've SPARED the rest of us the agony of being chosen last. We appreciate that, Kraig!"
"Aw, it's alright, Kraig," Mewd said, clearly hiding some kind of disappointed face. "You're more than welcome on my team, right guys?"
"No!" Wiggy complained.
"Shh, Wiggy!" Mewd shushed.
Kraig looked absolutely heartbroken and was on the verge of tears.
"Alright, guys," I began, our teams having finished assembling. "We should all take on different parts of the estate. One team oughta look through the manor while the other two split up outside. I know there's a greenhouse out there and a windmill somewhere, and maybe a few other standout features. If we fail to find anything within two hours, we should all report back here and figure out our next course of action."
"Yeah, that sounds good and all, but it looks like that snowstorm's kicking in," Reno pointed out, standing in front of a window. He was right, flurries were starting to rain down pretty heavily. It was also getting dark out already.
"Alright, let's hurry up then." Sungwon decided. "We wanna finish up outside before the storm gets too bad and it gets too dark out. Which team is going to stay here in the manor?"
"With all due respect, guys," MGAW popped up. "I don't know if I'm up for walking around in the snow. I'm already not feeling so hot."
"Okay, that's fine," Sungwon said. "Team LOSER here will explore the mansion and the rest of us will head outside. That alright with everybody?"
"Yes," said most everybody.
"No," said Frost.
"If you guys are going to look outside," Mewd urged, "You'll probably want a flashlight or a lantern or something to be safe."
"I think there's a lantern or two sitting in the corpse closet," Wilco suddenly recalled. I decided to ignore how the closet where a MAN HAD BEEN MURDERED had been given such a stupid nickname already. He threw open the door, causing JJ's rotting corpse to fall to the ground in front of him. "My sincerest apologies, JJ," he said, kicking the body aside to the chagrin of most of us in the room. After digging around for a few seconds he pulled out a pair of rusty lanterns from like the early 20th century.
"Okay, wow, that's pretty sweet actually," ProZD remarked as Wilco lit one of the lanterns with a lighter he carried around for whatever reason. I found it odd that they were full of oil and ready to go, but considering how this entire scenario had been set up so carefully, my suspicion quickly faded.
"Alright, come on," Sungwon said, taking a lantern and leading us out the door. "Remember, meet up back here in a couple of hours. If you can't find anything or the snow gets too thick, come back to the mansion and help these bozos look around."
I claimed the second lantern and we left behind Mewd, Wiggy, Reno, and MGAW. Down the creaky old staircase we headed, and in that moment I actually took the time to notice how creepy this place was. There were cobwebs in every corner and the wood looked like it had remained unpolished for decades. Was JJ actually living here all this time? It seemed a little odd to me. Holy shit did that painting's eyes just FOLLOW me across the room? I was all too ready when we finally exited the building and stood, once again, before that ridiculous shark statue.
"Alright," Sungwon started. "We should probably have one team explore the estate BEHIND the house and the other explore in front. Whoever takes the back should probably head to that windmill and I'd say the people up front would wanna take the greenhouse."
"Anybody here have a preference?" I asked to the group.
"I'm fine with either!" Jackson shouted while eyeing the greenhouse hopefully.
"You wanna check out the greenhouse?" I asked. "I kind of do too."
"It doesn't matter to me, guys!" Siro repeated. "I can do the windmill!"
"But you WANT to do the greenhouse," I growled, since the look on his face suggested he really fucking wanted to explore the greenhouse. "Just say you want to go in there."
"WOW!" Siro yelled. "I can do either one! I'll do greenhouse or I can do windmill!"
Finally, it was Sarah broke the stalemate. "I want to see what's in the windmill! I love old-fashioned places like that, it'll be so cool!"
"I too am curious as to the secrets the mill holds," Morgan chimed in, studying a bug furiously with her magnifying glass.
"So is that fine with you guys?" I directed towards Cherri and Frost.
"Yeah that's fine, whatever!" Anne Marie said. "Can we just GO before it gets dark?"
"I don't wanna go to either," Frost grumbled. "I'm cold and I wanna stay inside."
"Too bad," I said.
Sungwon, Sarah D, Morri, and Wilco split off and began their march towards the windmill which was now barely visible through the darkness and the thick snowfall. The dark sillhuoette of the building was actually pretty terrifying from this distance. But it was not our destination. I lead Siro, Cherri, and Frost to our chosen location, the creepy old greenhouse. When we got a look at it up close, I almost regretted this decision. There were vines peeking out from every nook and cranny, and the whole thing seemed to me an incredible size for this kind of structure. I noticed that the entrance also opened out into a lush and varied garden, completely with a cliche, by-the-book example of a stupid hedge maze. Something told me we would be running through that thing before this whole shindig was over.
"Wow, this is the SCARIEST greenhouse in the world!" Cherri whined. "What the FUCK!"
"Yeah, I think I'd actually rather do the windmill," Siro said nervously. "Is it too late to switch with them?"
"Come on guys, you're psyching yourselves out with this whole murder business," I suggested. "I mean, sure, the spiky and rotting vines all over the place make it look about like the scariest goddamn place in the world, but we have to... wait, where did Frost go?"
Frost had already pushed open the glass door and was slipping inside.
"Dude!" I yelled, running after him. "Can you wait one second?"
"No can do, mistah Blue," Frost smiled. "We got a schedule to keep, I'm not wastin' any time."
Without thinking I followed him in and was immediately followed by the other two. But we were soon frozen in place at what we saw before us. Even Captain Frost stood in a stunned silence, unable to make heads or tails of what was going on here. There was one thing I knew for certain at that point, however. We should've gone for the windmill.
WELL WHAT'S SO GOSH DARN SCARY THAT IT'S WORTH CREATING A CLIFFHANGER UNTIL THE NEXT INSTALLMENT? THIS BETTER BE GOOD!
THE TEAM'S HAVE BEEN CHOSEN! THE SEARCH FOR A FRIEND BEGINS! BUT WILL THEY FIND HIM BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!? FIND OUT TEN MONTHS FROM NOW, IN MURDER MYSTERY PART 3!!
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I continued, for several months, to give thoughtful glances at the pool of candidates who would make up our search teams. As I had free reign over who I would choose, I felt some pressure to make a wise decision. Ultimately, I could come to only one conclusion, the only one that seemed right for this situation.
"My first choice is... Detective Anne Marie!" I decided, jovially.
"WOW!" Sungwon shouted. "NO!"
"Wow! You don't OWN me!" Anne Marie shouted back.
"Seriously?" ProZD asked in a somewhat grouchy tone. "Why? Why would you pick Anne Marie? Also, that joke's like, what, a year old now?"
"Look," I started, quickly making up a way to justify my decision. In truth, I just kind of thought the Detective Anne Marie thing felt appropriate, if a little dated. "This is super serious business, and we can't have y'all makin' out all over the place while we're trying to save our friend. Just to make sure."
"Fine!" Sungwon shouted. "I choose Sarah D!"
"Wagheh!" Mewd muttered in hopeless agitation.
"Oh man, I've never been picked second!" Dogss cheered. "Thank you Sungwon!"
"Are... are we really going to do this?" Mewd protested.
"Stop whining," Sungwon demanded. "Pick your first person."
With a defeated sigh, Mewd turned to the people before him. "Fine... Alright, let's see here... M'kay, Wiggy, get up here, buddy."
Wiggy was already asleep. Siro quickly shook him awake.
"Wha!" Wiggy gasped. "Oh... good morning, Mewd."
"Wiggy, you're coming with me," Mewd explained. "So WAKE UP and stand next to me."
Wiggy stretched out his arms and made a terrible noise like he was having some kind of super orgasm. Gross. "Guys I don't wanna do improv right now..."
"Uh, no dummy," Sungwon said. "We're looking for Torte so that he doesn't die."
"Oh, I don't wanna find Torte," Wiggy mumbled. "He's going to die." He was obviously still a little sleep drunk. Even so, he managed to stand up and mosey over next to Mewd.
It was my turn once again. My eyes fell on Morri, who I figured would probably be pretty enthusiastic about this murder mystery business, but immediately the realization hit me that if I had picked her next, the entirity of Girl's Club would have been drafted immediately. Even though Girl's Club existed like, what, a year ago, I furrowed my brow, onto their wicked schemes. Morgan seemed unsure what to make of my sudden change in emotion. Team Boy must prevail. Team Boy must be completed first. "Jackson!" I shouted, abruptly swinging over to meet his eye. "Get up here! Team Boy!"
"Team Boy!" Siro yelled back.
"Team Boy!" Sungwon joined in, even though he was on the other team.
We exchanged high fives and ludicrous dances as a celebration of manliness. Most present were utterly befuddled. When the hoo ha died down, I suddenly realized that my team currently consisted of Cherri and Siro, who were pretty terrible choices, all things considered. Classic Team Boy lack of foresight.
"Morgan," Sungwon picked.
"All right!" Morgan cheered. "Oh man, I can't believe I wasn't picked last." Given the candidates available, it didn't surprise me one bit. "I even have a magnifying glass with me, I'm always prepared for this sort of thing!" She started magnifying things, like the floor and the table.
"For everyone you know to be potentially murdered horribly?" I asked for clarification.
"Hey, it happens!" Morri explained. Fair enough!
"Okay!" Sungwon interjected. "Mewd, who you gonna pick second?"
Immediately several of us started chanting this. A variation of "Who you gonna visit second?". It was funny a year ago, so why shouldn't it be funny now? Mewd was clearly having trouble putting up with our shenanigans. He opted to ignore it entirely and just carry on with his next choice.
"Alright, Reno," Mewd picked. "You're the last one I can actually count on to accomplish anything, so I choose you!"
"Thanks, Mewd," Reno said. "You're alright too."
"Hey now, I object to that!" Wilco whined. "I'm pretty reliable too, ya know."
"Frost," I chose, specifically to spite Wilco. His verbal outburst had told me that I succeeded.
"This is stupid," Frost groaned. In that moment is dawned on me that I had, in fact, just chosen this man for my team. "None of this makes any sense. I'm not getting out of this chair."
"Frost!" I spat. "We are saving a man's life! Get your ass up here!"
"How do we know Torte's even here?" Frost said. "That letter made no sense. Why would somebody plan to be murdered? And since when do we even listen to Jonathan Jones? That guy's boring and stupid."
"Hey, hey, HEY!" I shouted in a furious rage. "Don't you DARE slander the name of our glorious leader, may he rest in peace! Now close your stupid game and help us look, alright?"
He gave me a cold stare, like he was staring into my very soul. "Fine," he whined, closing his Solitop (which is only for playing Solitaire) and getting up to stand by my team. "We're not going to find him, anyway. He's probably already dead."
The final two candidates, Wilco and MGAW, sat before us with puppy dog eyes. As nerds, we've all grown up a step or two behind the rest of the kids. Getting picked last is especially cruel for people like us, as it is only reinforcing this psychological damage and reminding us of our place in society. Sungwon's choice here could have serious ramifications, and was not to be made lightly.
"Wilco," ProZD said with no hesitation. "Absolutely not MGAW."
"Oh, th... that's alright guys," MGAW whimpered. "I'm just happy to be able to spend time with you at all."
"Hey, cheer up, sport!" Wilco said, patting Kraig on the back as he stood to join the ranks of ProZD's team. "Look at it this way; you've SPARED the rest of us the agony of being chosen last. We appreciate that, Kraig!"
"Aw, it's alright, Kraig," Mewd said, clearly hiding some kind of disappointed face. "You're more than welcome on my team, right guys?"
"No!" Wiggy complained.
"Shh, Wiggy!" Mewd shushed.
Kraig looked absolutely heartbroken and was on the verge of tears.
"Alright, guys," I began, our teams having finished assembling. "We should all take on different parts of the estate. One team oughta look through the manor while the other two split up outside. I know there's a greenhouse out there and a windmill somewhere, and maybe a few other standout features. If we fail to find anything within two hours, we should all report back here and figure out our next course of action."
"Yeah, that sounds good and all, but it looks like that snowstorm's kicking in," Reno pointed out, standing in front of a window. He was right, flurries were starting to rain down pretty heavily. It was also getting dark out already.
"Alright, let's hurry up then." Sungwon decided. "We wanna finish up outside before the storm gets too bad and it gets too dark out. Which team is going to stay here in the manor?"
"With all due respect, guys," MGAW popped up. "I don't know if I'm up for walking around in the snow. I'm already not feeling so hot."
"Okay, that's fine," Sungwon said. "Team LOSER here will explore the mansion and the rest of us will head outside. That alright with everybody?"
"Yes," said most everybody.
"No," said Frost.
"If you guys are going to look outside," Mewd urged, "You'll probably want a flashlight or a lantern or something to be safe."
"I think there's a lantern or two sitting in the corpse closet," Wilco suddenly recalled. I decided to ignore how the closet where a MAN HAD BEEN MURDERED had been given such a stupid nickname already. He threw open the door, causing JJ's rotting corpse to fall to the ground in front of him. "My sincerest apologies, JJ," he said, kicking the body aside to the chagrin of most of us in the room. After digging around for a few seconds he pulled out a pair of rusty lanterns from like the early 20th century.
"Okay, wow, that's pretty sweet actually," ProZD remarked as Wilco lit one of the lanterns with a lighter he carried around for whatever reason. I found it odd that they were full of oil and ready to go, but considering how this entire scenario had been set up so carefully, my suspicion quickly faded.
"Alright, come on," Sungwon said, taking a lantern and leading us out the door. "Remember, meet up back here in a couple of hours. If you can't find anything or the snow gets too thick, come back to the mansion and help these bozos look around."
I claimed the second lantern and we left behind Mewd, Wiggy, Reno, and MGAW. Down the creaky old staircase we headed, and in that moment I actually took the time to notice how creepy this place was. There were cobwebs in every corner and the wood looked like it had remained unpolished for decades. Was JJ actually living here all this time? It seemed a little odd to me. Holy shit did that painting's eyes just FOLLOW me across the room? I was all too ready when we finally exited the building and stood, once again, before that ridiculous shark statue.
"Alright," Sungwon started. "We should probably have one team explore the estate BEHIND the house and the other explore in front. Whoever takes the back should probably head to that windmill and I'd say the people up front would wanna take the greenhouse."
"Anybody here have a preference?" I asked to the group.
"I'm fine with either!" Jackson shouted while eyeing the greenhouse hopefully.
"You wanna check out the greenhouse?" I asked. "I kind of do too."
"It doesn't matter to me, guys!" Siro repeated. "I can do the windmill!"
"But you WANT to do the greenhouse," I growled, since the look on his face suggested he really fucking wanted to explore the greenhouse. "Just say you want to go in there."
"WOW!" Siro yelled. "I can do either one! I'll do greenhouse or I can do windmill!"
Finally, it was Sarah broke the stalemate. "I want to see what's in the windmill! I love old-fashioned places like that, it'll be so cool!"
"I too am curious as to the secrets the mill holds," Morgan chimed in, studying a bug furiously with her magnifying glass.
"So is that fine with you guys?" I directed towards Cherri and Frost.
"Yeah that's fine, whatever!" Anne Marie said. "Can we just GO before it gets dark?"
"I don't wanna go to either," Frost grumbled. "I'm cold and I wanna stay inside."
"Too bad," I said.
Sungwon, Sarah D, Morri, and Wilco split off and began their march towards the windmill which was now barely visible through the darkness and the thick snowfall. The dark sillhuoette of the building was actually pretty terrifying from this distance. But it was not our destination. I lead Siro, Cherri, and Frost to our chosen location, the creepy old greenhouse. When we got a look at it up close, I almost regretted this decision. There were vines peeking out from every nook and cranny, and the whole thing seemed to me an incredible size for this kind of structure. I noticed that the entrance also opened out into a lush and varied garden, completely with a cliche, by-the-book example of a stupid hedge maze. Something told me we would be running through that thing before this whole shindig was over.
"Wow, this is the SCARIEST greenhouse in the world!" Cherri whined. "What the FUCK!"
"Yeah, I think I'd actually rather do the windmill," Siro said nervously. "Is it too late to switch with them?"
"Come on guys, you're psyching yourselves out with this whole murder business," I suggested. "I mean, sure, the spiky and rotting vines all over the place make it look about like the scariest goddamn place in the world, but we have to... wait, where did Frost go?"
Frost had already pushed open the glass door and was slipping inside.
"Dude!" I yelled, running after him. "Can you wait one second?"
"No can do, mistah Blue," Frost smiled. "We got a schedule to keep, I'm not wastin' any time."
Without thinking I followed him in and was immediately followed by the other two. But we were soon frozen in place at what we saw before us. Even Captain Frost stood in a stunned silence, unable to make heads or tails of what was going on here. There was one thing I knew for certain at that point, however. We should've gone for the windmill.
WELL WHAT'S SO GOSH DARN SCARY THAT IT'S WORTH CREATING A CLIFFHANGER UNTIL THE NEXT INSTALLMENT? THIS BETTER BE GOOD!
THE TEAM'S HAVE BEEN CHOSEN! THE SEARCH FOR A FRIEND BEGINS! BUT WILL THEY FIND HIM BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!? FIND OUT TEN MONTHS FROM NOW, IN MURDER MYSTERY PART 3!!