Knowing that my treatment could undermine my memory and ability to think is one of the more frightening aspects: a threat to the self.
It's an interesting thought, that memory and ability to think are linked to the sense of self. When I read this I realised that I don't associate those attributes with my 'self'. My memory has always been crap (not necessarily a bad thing: it makes me very good at research and very organised with information, both of which I've developed as lifelong habits *because* my memory is crap) - and as a female I have one week a month (or whenever) when my thinking skills go right out of the window. I wonder how Brain Training scores relate to women's cycles? *ponders*
Remember, even if you do have those symptoms (and given the way you're caring for yourself, I'd be surprised), they are a) unlikely to be permanent and b) they really won't change who you are. Thinking more slowly and a bit of forgetfulness doesn't mean you think differently. You'll still be the wonderful you you are now. ^_
( ... )
Interesting - thanks for that thought about not thinking differently. I know I get desperately frustrated when I feel unable to express myself and joyous when I can think clearly. Perhaps it is mental confusion to the point of helplessness I fear most and I know the chemo won't get that bad.
I have always felt the converse about depression: I believe us as naturally capable of dark emotions as deeds - a sad state of mind is just as much a part of our natural rhythm as anger or happiness, thus to me depression is one overbalancing, the rhythm interupted, not the self.
I think that's more about panic than mental capability, though.
a sad state of mind is just as much a part of our natural rhythm as anger or happiness
That's confusing sadness with depression, though, and they're very different things. Sadness is, as you say, part of life, part of the ebb and flow. Depression doesn't ebb. It's persistent, and it leaves you feeling helpless and hopeless - and it's not related to a specific stimulus that's happening at the time. There's no being cheered up from depression like there is from sadness!
The way I think of it, panic and anxiety is a dysfunctional form of fear, while depression is a dysfunctional form of sadness. They feel similar, but have no productive use or outcome (no tigers to run from; no specific melancholy to express), and can be damaging rather than positive expressions of emotion.
Wow. It's odd we've never had this conversation before! But wonderful to do so now. *hugs*
"panic and anxiety is a dysfunctional form of fear, while depression is a dysfunctional form of sadness."
That's well put. It might be that I appreciate so well the achievements of people who have struggled with depression, like Houseman and Kirkegaard that I see them as still great, blinding me to their personal suffering.
Perhaps the cage of voicelessness is not so different from the cage of depression, trapping one in a state of purgatory. I am willing to concede, however, that one can habituate to silence and lack of intellectual achievement be re-attuning one's expectations (to something even prized by Zen), whereas no one could or should have to acclimitize to depression.
You are wonderful. I don't have enough brain power left to articulate like this when I'm in work do I? Interesting...
Comments 4
It's an interesting thought, that memory and ability to think are linked to the sense of self. When I read this I realised that I don't associate those attributes with my 'self'. My memory has always been crap (not necessarily a bad thing: it makes me very good at research and very organised with information, both of which I've developed as lifelong habits *because* my memory is crap) - and as a female I have one week a month (or whenever) when my thinking skills go right out of the window. I wonder how Brain Training scores relate to women's cycles? *ponders*
Remember, even if you do have those symptoms (and given the way you're caring for yourself, I'd be surprised), they are a) unlikely to be permanent and b) they really won't change who you are. Thinking more slowly and a bit of forgetfulness doesn't mean you think differently. You'll still be the wonderful you you are now. ^_ ( ... )
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I have always felt the converse about depression: I believe us as naturally capable of dark emotions as deeds - a sad state of mind is just as much a part of our natural rhythm as anger or happiness, thus to me depression is one overbalancing, the rhythm interupted, not the self.
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I think that's more about panic than mental capability, though.
a sad state of mind is just as much a part of our natural rhythm as anger or happiness
That's confusing sadness with depression, though, and they're very different things. Sadness is, as you say, part of life, part of the ebb and flow. Depression doesn't ebb. It's persistent, and it leaves you feeling helpless and hopeless - and it's not related to a specific stimulus that's happening at the time. There's no being cheered up from depression like there is from sadness!
The way I think of it, panic and anxiety is a dysfunctional form of fear, while depression is a dysfunctional form of sadness. They feel similar, but have no productive use or outcome (no tigers to run from; no specific melancholy to express), and can be damaging rather than positive expressions of emotion.
Wow. It's odd we've never had this conversation before! But wonderful to do so now. *hugs*
Reply
That's well put. It might be that I appreciate so well the achievements of people who have struggled with depression, like Houseman and Kirkegaard that I see them as still great, blinding me to their personal suffering.
Perhaps the cage of voicelessness is not so different from the cage of depression, trapping one in a state of purgatory. I am willing to concede, however, that one can habituate to silence and lack of intellectual achievement be re-attuning one's expectations (to something even prized by Zen), whereas no one could or should have to acclimitize to depression.
You are wonderful. I don't have enough brain power left to articulate like this when I'm in work do I? Interesting...
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