Strangers [one-shot]
Title: Strangers
Pairings: Akame
Genre: AU, angst
Disclaimer: Nope, still not mine and I have a few more hours till I go to sleep.
Summary: They were strangers. They were friends. They were lovers. And then they were nothing.
Strangers
We were strangers.
And maybe that’s what we should have remained, but when I saw your slumped back and lonely figure, I couldn’t help but ask myself if I can do anything for you. It’s not my style to interfere in someone’s life if I don’t know the person, but I don’t know what got into me that night or made me walk from my table to the stool at the bar where you were sitting and ordering yet another drink.
“Rough night?” I asked, with a slightly joking voice, hoping to not make you feel uncomfortable.
You laughed a bitter laugh and looked at me. Your sad and dark eyes met mine’s and you seemed to observe me for a second before returning to your glass. The bartender came again when you called for him and I was just about to open my mouth and say maybe you shouldn’t drink that much - even if it wasn’t my business - when you looked at me for the second time and made me freeze.
“My treat.” You said, giving me the glass with a little smile.
I remained surprised for a couple of seconds but then I smiled and you smiled even wider, making my heart beat a little faster. It didn’t take long for you to start talking and pour all of your problems to me and I listened to your every word, thinking what can I do to make you feel at least a little happier.
In one second, from strangers we became some people who chat.
“I think my girlfriend is cheating on me.” You confessed with a devastated voice, looking down at the glass in your hands like the whole world was against you. I nodded, knowing how it must feel because this kind of thing is something that happens to us all. “But I don’t have evidence and I can’t confront her only with rumors.” You said, shrugging like it didn’t bother you that your girlfriend was cheating on you but the fact that you couldn’t prove it. Even so, your trembling voice that I could barely hear over the loud music said it all and I knew that you were hurt and that you loved her more than anything.
I didn’t know what to say so I just nodded again. You looked at me and seemed confused for a second, but maybe that’s only my impression. “Do you have a girlfriend?” you asked, maybe trying to make conversation to forget about your pain.
“Sort of.” I answered and you laughed again. I don’t know when I became addictive to your voice, to your laughter, to everything that is you, but that night is engraved in my mind and your every word or touch written in the journal of my brain. Sometimes I’m happy because of it. Other times it just hurts badly.
“What kind of answer is that?” you said, still laughing like I had just said the best joke you have ever heard. Or maybe it was, I still wonder what it looked like to you who were in so much pain that night, trying to forget with every mean possible.
“There’s one girl that I have sex with.” I elaborated. “And when it’s convenient, I present her as my girlfriend. She does the same and we help each other out.” I winked without my knowledge, feeling terribly embarrassed after.
“Oh.” Was the last thing you said about this subject before opening another one. We kept drinking for a few hours, talking about us and silly things, enjoying ourselves and laughing like we knew each other for a long time.
From someone you have a simple chat with, I became your drinking partner for that night.
It was almost morning when we left the club and you said that you want to walk me home as a favor for keeping you company the whole night. I happily accepted, smiling like a child because it seemed that you also wanted to prolong our time together. It made me feel happy, even if I knew that there’s no chance that you feel the same as I, considering the fact that your girlfriend had popped in our conversation the whole night, like she was a necessity to your existence. I kept thinking how can I convince you to meet me again, even as friends, even as someone who can listen to you when you have problems, but nothing came to my mind and that’s how I found myself in front of my apartment.
We stood there for a couple of minutes, glancing at each other and watching the empty street. I wanted to open my mouth to thank you for taking me home when you pulled me into your arms, holding me with such a force that I felt crushed by you.
“Can I stay with you tonight?” you pleaded and I noticed that you were slightly trembling. Maybe you were afraid of my answer. Maybe you just wanted someone to comfort you and were afraid that I won’t be willing to. It didn’t matter in that moment because I hugged you back and I slowly nodded to your chest.
My position changed from a drinking partner to a one-night stand.
Your moves were uncertain that night. The first time you kissed me, I felt like I was being kissed by a very shy person though I knew that you aren’t like that. Something was off, something was different from what I expected it to be, but I didn’t know what. I broke the kiss and cupped your cheeks with my hands, looking into your eyes.
“Are you sure about this?” I asked, a little afraid that you’ll change your mind even if we were already in my room and the bed was next to us. But you just nodded, feeling more confident, and when you kissed me the second time, I knew that it was going to be alright.
Your second kiss made me weak in the knees and if it wasn’t for your hand supporting me, I would have fallen. The drinks I had had earlier were finally starting to kick in and your every touch made me feel like I was burning. You lied me down on the bed and watched me for a couple of seconds, leaving me wanting for more, gasping and searching for your hands, silently begging to touch me more. You complied and leaned over me, catching my lips with your own, making me moan because of your rough and needy kiss. I could feel everything that was you in that kiss, I knew that this was the real you and that you were willing to give yourself completely to me, even if it was only for a night.
Your hands traveled lower, almost touching my naked body but not really doing it, teasing and torturing me with each second that passed. I whined, a plea escaping my lips with a loud moan when you decided to stop playing. Your hands were cold on my body but I was already burning inside so it was a nice combination, one that made me lose my mind and threw me on a land that I should have never crossed. You kissed my whole body, licking it and leaving small red marks all over it, like you wanted to say that I belong to you, that you’re the only one who can touch me like this. You were demanding and possessive and it was the first time for me to meet such a person. It was a strange feeling but it was nevertheless good. You needed me that night and I have felt that in your every touch, every kiss.
When you entered me, you groaned of pleasure but stopped immediately, leaving me time to adjust with a foreign sensation of being filled. You seemed to rush but you were also caring, taking your time to prepare me and always careful not to hurt me. I felt happy for receiving such attention but I couldn’t help but wonder if your girlfriend is the same like me. If she even notices the small things you do for her or if she cares.
Every thought flew out of my mind when you started to move, slow at first but as my pain quickly disappeared, you also started to move faster, driven only by the desire of release. You didn’t stop from touching my body, not even once forgetting about giving me pleasure and not only for searching your own. We both came, muffling the loud moans with a sloppy kiss. You were trembling again and you didn’t stop moving inside me, riding your orgasm until you finally felt satisfied. You fell on top of me, murmuring a lame ‘sorry’ but not being able to get up. I smiled and threw the blanket over us, wrapping my arms around you and closing my eyes.
Soon, sleep fell over me.
It wasn’t my first one-night stand so I knew that I won’t find you with me the next morning. I opened my eyes, feeling cold because I didn’t have your arms surrounding me anymore, and I stared at the ceiling of my room for a couple of minutes. It had been one of the best nights of my life and I was already starting to feel regret because I haven’t even thought of asking your phone number. I laughed bitterly and closed my eyes, covering them with my hand to hide my tears from unknown looks, when I remembered that I didn’t even know your name. It didn’t seem important last night. I was so infatuated with you that I forgot to ask for the one thing that might have brought you back to me.
“Way to go, Kazuya.” I snapped at myself, feeling like a total idiot.
A loud groan responded me. I sat up and looked to my right to find a bundle of sheets covering something. I could feel my heart thumping faster and faster with each moment that passed and each inch that my hand was closer to uncover the form lying under it. I grabbed the sheets and silently cursed myself, noticing that my hand was trembling. I couldn’t understand why, I didn’t want to know why I was feeling so anxious at that time. I took a deep breath and tossed away the sheets only to find your sleeping face.
You groaned again, displeased by the lost of warmth, and you soon opened your eyelids to look at me with those big puppy eyes of yours. You smiled and reached out to me, tucking my hair under my ear. I blinked, not knowing what to do, how to respond. I was so sure that you’d be gone when I woke up, that I never thought of this happening.
“Morning.” You said to me, with that cunning voice and arrogant smile.
And then I knew that I lost the battle.
From a one-night stand, I became your friend. You thanked me for helping you that night and said that you’d like to keep in contact with me. You said that you find me an interesting person and that you’d like to know more about me, to become my friend. Not even once you mentioned what happened between us the night before so I understood your silent plea and acted like nothing ever happened. Now that I think about it, that stinging pain in my chest should have been a warning to me to not let me get closer to you. I was already feeling lost the morning when I woke up thinking that I’d be alone. I should have thought at what would happen if you let me in your life, if I get to learn more things about you.
But I accepted. I accepted to be your friend because I didn’t want to think that this will be the last time I’ll see you. I lied to myself that it’s just a crush and that it will soon vanish into thin air. Only that it didn’t. And with each meeting of ours, with each moment that we have spent together, my feelings had only grown stronger and stronger until I felt suffocated by them. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stand anymore to see you and not touch you. To hear you talking about her and not being able to say how much I love you. To listen to you saying that you’re hopelessly in love with her while I couldn’t do anything but just nod, smile and say that I understand your feelings.
I was only your friend while she was your whole world to you. Every time you talked about her, you had a sparkle in your eyes. You would grin like a stupid fool and talk about how she wakes up every morning before you just so she can make your favorite breakfast. You would laugh, thinking at her pouting face when you have a surprise for her and don’t want to tell her what. You would tremble a little, telling me that sometimes you can’t get a hold of her for about a couple of hours and that no matter how much you call, her phone is always shut down. But she calls you back and with a happy voice, she tells you that she’s out shopping and that she’ll make your favorite meal tonight. That’s when you feel guilty for doubting her.
And I tell you that it’s alright, that it isn’t your fault that you can’t trust her completely. That even if she isn’t cheating on you, she shouldn’t do things like this. And in that moment, your eyes darken and you can’t look at me anymore. I sigh, feeling my heart crushed. I know what you’re thinking and I’m sorry for doing this to you. But no matter how guilty you’ll feel for sleeping with me when she might be innocent, I won’t let you go.
Never.
You always used to talk about her. At first, I was annoyed and tried to make you forget about her at least for a few seconds, but I never succeeded. No matter what I did, she was always in your heart and no one could take her from there. At some point, I gave up. After countless of meetings with you and nights lost only talking about her, I finally decided to give up at my unrequited love and accept things as they were. You would never be mine, I knew that. But I couldn’t part from you so even if I knew that I have no chances anymore, I continued to open my door to you and invite you inside.
My heart was broken but I still smiled when you were near me. I remember that I couldn’t stand it one day and snapped at you. You looked at me, with those hurtful eyes of yours and made me feel like the worst person in this world. You sniffed and asked me if I’m okay or if something happened to me. I was so close to tell you the truth. I wanted to yell at you, to tell you how much I came to love in these few months. I imagined that you’d be surprised and you’d ask me why, but I won’t be able to give you an answer. I don’t know what made me fell in love with you when the only thing you do is talk about her. I don’t know how could I be so stupid to fall for someone who obviously only has eyes for someone else. You’d never be mine, even if I tell you my feelings. That’s why I stopped myself in time and I didn’t say anything.
You continued to inquire me. You told me that you’re worried about me and that you noticed that I don’t eat that much lately. You said that my smiles seem forceful and not as genuine as when we first started to hang out. I laughed and you looked at me, not getting what’s so funny.
“I’m okay, I just had a bad time at work.” I finally replied, trying to smile a little. You seemed content with my answer when you smiled back. I remember that you got up and said that you’d prepare me a hot bath because you know how much I love them. You added that it will make me feel more relaxed. I nodded and let myself to be taken care by you.
An hour later, when I got out the bathroom, you weren’t there anymore and the only thing that was in my mind that time was your phone ringing and someone calling for you.
No matter what, you’d always place her above me.
Every night was filled with stories about you and her. How you first met her, your first impression about her, your first date, your first kiss. I basically knew your life like I had been there all along. But I wasn’t. And I didn’t want to know all about your love life with another person. I didn’t want to hear you talking about your precious memories with someone else when my most precious memory is one so simple.
“Can we meet again?” you asked, looking at me with curious but uncertain eyes.
You were standing next to the bed, already dressed-up while I didn’t bother to get off bed. It had been just sex, it didn’t have to hurt me. I never believed in love at first sight and I definitely didn’t want to start then. It had been just a casual meeting, that’s what I was trying to tell myself. But when I looked up and my brown orbs met your dark ones, I forgot everything.
“I mean… you really helped me last night and I’d like to talk more with you.” You hurried to explain, maybe because of the surprise written on my face. “I don’t really have friends, mostly because I’m such a clumsy person. And of course, I don’t want to force you. I was just thinking that it would be nice to hang out with you and drink some other time. And…”
“Stop.” I said with a tired voice, wanting to stop your ranting. It had been only a few hours since I met you, but I could already easily see why others call you clumsy. The difference was that I didn’t understand why would this make people to stay away from you. You just seemed cute to me.
You took a deep breath and looked into my eyes. “I just want to be your friend.” You confessed and I remember that I felt touched by your sincerity. I pretended to ponder for a while before I smiled brightly at you and stretched out my hand.
“I’m Kazuya.” I said and you flinched when you heard me introducing with my first name. Nevertheless, you smiled back and shook my hand.
“I’m Jin.”
And my life changed.
It was raining that night. It was already late and I was tucked in my bed when my doorbell suddenly rang. Who could be at this hour? I didn’t know and the last person I expected to see at my doorsteps was you. You seemed devastated that night. The rain had poured hard on you and you looked like a wet puppy. It kind of made me smile, thinking that whatever you do, I can’t help comparing you with a puppy, but I stopped myself when I looked into your eyes.
You could never lie to someone, even if your life depended on it, and as we spent more time together, I came to find out that your eyes are truly the way through your heart. Even if you smile and act like everything’s alright, your eyes would always reveal the truth and all about your feelings and problems and hurt. That night, your eyes showed me the most pitiful expression that I’ve even seen. I didn’t know what happened but I already wanted to cry with you because I could feel your pain and it was the most excruciating thing I’ve ever felt.
“Can I come in?” you asked with a quiet voice, your eyes betraying the fact that you were afraid I’d refuse. I laughed to myself because you never knew and will never know how much I’d sacrifice for you. It was frustrating because in one way, it meant that you don’t know me at all. Your existence had become the most important thing to me in the past year and you still had no idea about it. I felt betrayed, I felt alone. But I also felt relieved and I cursed myself for having all of these contradicting feelings.
Still, I nodded and sighed. I stepped aside to let you in and I wanted to go and get you a towel to dry yourself, but you didn’t let me. You grabbed my hand and pulled me into your arms, burying your head into my shoulder and hugging me tight, like you almost wanted to break me. You were trembling and the moment I raised my hand to touch your back in a comforting gesture, you broke down and started to sob.
“Jin?” I called your name and I felt you tightening your hold around me even more. “Jin, talk to me.” I insisted, trying to move a little, at least to get inside and close the door behind you. You shook your head like a stubborn child and drew near my body, making me hold my breath. “Jin.” I warned you, half afraid of your intentions because you clearly weren’t using your brain to think, half wanting you to continue and make me lose my mind like the night when I met you.
“Please, don’t let go of me.” You replied with a broken voice. “Please don’t leave me too.” You almost begged and I felt my heart starting to beat faster at your words. I felt guilty instantly because I knew I should think more at you and less at my selfish feelings. I should be trying to help you and not think that I can take advantage of your suffering and need to be comforted.
And I failed.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Jin, let’s go inside.” I tried again, detaching myself from you and pulling on your sleeve. You whimpered as soon as my warmth left your body and I hurried to add: “I won’t leave anywhere, I promise.” Only then you seemed to be willing to move from your spot, even if it was still reluctantly. This time you held on my sleeve as I closed the door to my apartment and went to the living room while you followed me like a puppy. It was kind of cute, I thought, and I would have enjoyed the treatment if your eyes weren’t still dark and hurtful and depressed. Something very painful had happened to you and to be honest, I didn’t have the courage to ask you what. I was too afraid of your answer and the consequences it would have on me.
“Now, tell me, why are you like this?” I asked with the calmest voice I could muster. I sat on the couch and you immediately sat next to me, still looking down and not daring to confront my eyes. You leaned nearer until our knees touched and I felt you trembling while I gulped and tried to regain my breath.
Why are you doing this to me? I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t find my voice for this question. Instead, I sighed tiredly and raised my hand to pass my fingers through your hair, feeling you getting even closer to me until you leaned your head on my shoulder and closed your eyes. “Jin.” I said and the only response I got was your hands sneaking behind my back and surrounding my waist.
This was wrong, my brain was telling me, but my body didn’t seem keen to listen and to have its own mind, one that was drawing me closer and closer to you. I gently caressed your cheek and you started to sob again, hiding again your face from my eyes. I tried to call your name, hoping that you’d say something in the end or at least tell me a hint about what happened to you. You didn’t move from your position and I frowned, already starting to think of the worst situations. It angered me that the only thing I could think of that could make you like this was your girlfriend. If something happened to her. If she did something. If someone did something to her. It was all about her and nothing else.
The silence prolonged and I felt even more frustrated with each second that passed by. Overwhelmed by my feelings and your attitude, I put two fingers under your chin and I gently brought your eyes to meet mine, wanting to get some answers. It frightened me that I couldn’t read your eyes, that for the first time I couldn’t get what you wanted so desperately to hide from me. And I freaked out.
“Jin, please don’t scare me. Talk to me.” I begged this time, allowing my fears to get the best out of me.
Your next move startled me and I didn’t react for a long time, still stunned by what you did. I looked at you and this time you didn’t avoid my gaze by closing your eyes. You confronted me like you were daring me to stop you, like you have known all along what I feel for you. My eyes were wide open and my breath stopped in my lungs, making me choke and feel breathless, lifeless. It tortured me and in the same time, it made me feel blessed, happy, like I was over the moon.
So I did the only thing I could think of. I closed my eyes and let you kiss me.
You were different again that night. You seemed clumsy at the beginning and you still couldn’t control your trembling. You couldn’t stop your hands from shaking even when they were caressing me, touching my skin and exploring every inch of my body. You were unsecure, but I could read in your eyes your wish to do this, your need to have me even if I still didn’t know if it was because of me or because of her. It didn’t matter because in that moment all I wanted was to see you smile again, to make you feel loved and cared for and I wished you could feel my desperate need of you, of your body, of your soul.
“Jin,” I said with a low voice, clouded by lust and covered by fear. “Look only at me. See only me. There’s no one else here, baby.” I smiled when you looked at me confused, feeling how I was starting to blush. I hid my eyes from you, but you didn’t let me and brought my face to look at you. I bit my lower lip, not knowing what to expect from you. I didn’t want you to think at her when you were making love to me. I didn’t want you to imagine you’re kissing her when you’re touching my lips with yours. I hated the fact that all you can see is her and that I don’t exist in your eyes. I wanted you only for me, I couldn’t stop anymore my selfish feelings, my possessiveness that killed me from the moment I laid my eyes on you.
But I was scared in that moment. You didn’t say anything for a long time and I was starting to get impatient. We were both naked, covered only with a thin sheet. You were standing over me, trapped between my legs, and you were looking at me with an indecipherable expression. I didn’t know what to understand from it. Your eyes were observing me very carefully, but I could tell that your mind was far away, thinking at something else. At somebody else. And I got mad.
“Jin, I’m not a woman.” I told you with a slightly angered voice, trying to keep my tears from falling. “You can’t keep ignoring what’s happening just because you can pretend that we’re friends.” I continued with a murmur, choking myself in my words. You flinched and looked down, not daring anymore to look into my eyes even if you were the one who wanted this in the first place. I sighed. “Jin, I’m not her.” I finally said what was killing me inside.
I knew I’ve lost you the moment the words left my lips, but I couldn’t endure it anymore. You were slowly destroying me and I didn’t want that. I wanted to live, to feel love. To love and to be loved back, not to just love and not get anything in exchange. It hurt and I knew that it would continue to hurt as long as I’ll be next to you, as long as I’ll continue to pretend being your friend. But I had reached my limit. I didn’t want anymore to be your comfort, the one you use when you want to forget about her.
I was prepared for anything you could say to me, any remark, any reproach. But you surprised me again, as you always did.
“I know you’re not her, Kazuya.” You said slowly, gently, as if you were carefully selecting your words. You looked up and your eyes met mine’s yet again and I shuddered when I saw a burning determination flickering in your eyes. “And that’s why I’m here.” You confessed, breathing hard and with a small smile, clearly embarrassed by what you had just said.
Silence fell over us for a few moments while I tried to process your words. I didn’t know what to think of them, how to interpret them. I was scared but I couldn’t stop the beating of my heart from growing faster and faster until I could feel it explode in my chest. I wanted to cry, I wanted to dance, I wanted to scream and I wanted to sing. I wanted to beat the hell out of you for making me this confused but in the same time, I wanted to tell you how much I love you and how happy you’ve made me with those simple words.
You didn’t let me make up my mind and leaned over me once again, kissing my lips slowly, like you were asking permission. For the second time that night, I felt you different, I felt that now you know what you want and that you’ll do anything to get it. I couldn’t stop smiling when the only thought in my head was that I’m the one you want and need with such a burning desire.
For that night, from simply friends, we became sex-friends.
When I woke up the next morning, I felt cold. I spent five minutes with my eyes closed, not daring to look around me and not find you. I was afraid that everything had been a dream, that we didn’t make love and I only imagined you being so gentle and caring and loving with me. I heard a rustle and that’s when I finally opened my eyes to see you looking so dazed, so meditative. Like I’ve never seen you before.
You hadn’t left the bed and you were sitting on your ass, with your back leaned against the wall. You had one leg bent up on which you supported your left hand, a cigar between your index and middle finger. The sheet covered only your lower part so I could clearly see each time you took a puff how your chest rose slightly like it had a very heavy burden on it.
“You know, I found her in my bed with another man.” You suddenly started to talk, aware of my stare but still not looking at me. “I beat the hell out of him.” you confessed, taking another drag and closing your eyes for a few seconds.
I continued to look at you, but you didn’t seem keen on returning my gaze. You weren’t even moving and I began to be scared again that I might lose you, even if she had cheated on you and now you had the evidence. Your eyes were empty and it made me feel weird, a slight tug in my chest warning me of the consequences of our night together.
“I hit her.” You continued and I noticed how your voice seemed to die for a moment. “And we broke up. I guess it was obvious after what I did so I ran out of my own apartment and I left her there with him.” you added, leaving your cigar in the ashtray and facing my stare for the first time.
I flinched, not expecting to ever see your eyes so hurt, so guilty, so unlike-you. I got mad because even now she had a great power over you and I knew that she’ll always have. She was the one who made a mistake but I knew that you were blaming yourself, thinking maybe that you were the one at fault, that you did something that pushed her to search for another guy and retreat in the arms of her lover.
It only made me want to hit you.
I raised myself from the bed and straddled you. I cupped your cheeks in my hands and your eyes found mine’s like it was an automatic reflex. I smiled and you answered with a small curl of your lips. I kissed you and I felt you slowly relaxing in my arms, sighing worriless and your hands surrounding my waist, bringing me closer to feel more of me, to let me feel more of you.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” I said between kisses, taking advantage of the fact that you seemed to be more receptive at opinions about this. I detached myself from you to look again in your orbs, hoping that my eyes could transmit my every desire, my powerful wish to be with you and never let you feel lonely or abandoned again. “And I’ll never let you think otherwise.”
After only a few hours and in only a few minutes, from sex-friends we graduated to lovers.
And it was the best feeling I’ve ever had.
I was happy. In fact, I have never been that happy in my life as I was back then. I was smiling all the time, I was singing and I was feeling like nothing else matters as long as when I come back home, you’re there, waiting for me, smiling at me and tell me how much you had missed me. It was the best feeling ever and it took me a week to start and wonder how could I have survived so long without you. My life seemed to be finally completed, nothing was missing from it anymore and the happiness seemed to have only begun.
“Kazuuu…” you whined and looked at me with those kicked puppy eyes, making me roll my eyes.
“I’m sorry I’m late, work has been hectic lately.” I replied with a small smile, leaning towards you a little to peck your lips. I felt your lips curling up against mine in an instant and I couldn’t help but laugh, thinking that this was all you ever wanted from me.
Love, gentleness, attention. It had been a month since you had left your girlfriend and came to live with me, but I hadn’t dared until then to say anything about her. Your eyes would always darken a little when some of my friends would come over and you’d see them kissing and hugging and doing all those things that maybe you did with your girlfriend too. My heart would hurt every time, but I would tell to myself that it’s okay. It’s perfectly normal to react this way because it still hasn’t passed a long time since your last meeting and you had loved her more than your life. She had been your everything and, at some point, I came to the conclusion that you wouldn’t be able to live without her.
I sighed in relief when you didn’t seem so bothered about not seeing her, even if you couldn’t hide your sad expression from me. I knew you were hurting and I was hurting too. But maybe that’s why our life together was so perfect, because we understood each other and knew how it feels like to be betrayed.
“You said that last night too.” You pouted and waited patiently for me to get rid of my shoes and coat, attacking me in the next second and catching me into your arms, my back pressed into your chest and your breath tickling my ear. “I missed you.” You whispered with an arousing voice and I felt myself go weak into your arms.
“Were you lonely without me?” I asked with a smirk, settling my arms over yours which were encircling my waist, as I let my head fall back, my eyes searching for yours and finding a weird and powerful glint that gave me shivers and forced me to close my eyes for a second to have the strength to look again into your dark orbs.
When I opened my eyes again, you were smirking, obviously aware of the effect that you had on me. I couldn’t help but to blush under your scrutinizing stare, feeling naked and empty of all of my feelings in front of you, everything being at your feet and willing to obey to your every command. You laughed and I pouted but you soon erased my pout with your lips, claiming mine’s and engaging them into a sweet kiss. I turned around in your arms and threw my hands on your neck, hanging on to it like it was a lifesaver, like it was my only support in this world full of passion and desire and just you.
“I felt like dying without you.” You confessed with a small but serious voice, sending shivers through my whole body and making me tremble into your arms. “I don’t want to lose you. Never.” You added and I felt myself smiling in response, desperately trying to ignore the pounding of my heart to manage to say something. You were always like this, searching for reassurance from me even if you knew that I couldn’t live without you anymore. I was yours from that first night we met and it will always be like this. Even if you hurt me, even if you leave me. I’ll always love you.
“You won’t.” I chose simple words to answer as I kissed your lips, not wanting you to know how deep I have fallen for you.
Sometimes I wonder if I had been totally honest with you, I wouldn’t have had to suffer this much.
I don’t know when things started to change. We were together for a few months already when I started to notice little changes at you. You started to not be home when I got there even if I knew that you finished work half an hour earlier than me. Usually, you would come and fetch me or other times, you would go home and prepare a little surprise as you waited for me. And then there were times when you would simply come home and get into bed, too tired to do anything else. At those moments, I would come home and gently peck your lips, cover you with a blanket and sneak under it with you, immediately feeling you snuggling in my arms.
Those were the best times for me.
But now… I come home and you’re not there. You come home late in the night, kiss my lips and say that you’re sorry for being so late. I got stuck up at work. I don’t know how many times I’ve already heard that line but I’m sure of the number of times I’ve believed it.
Not even once.
Maybe the worst part of this is that you still don’t know how to lie to me. I’m not sure if you even know how to lie to someone because your eyes are shy and scared every time you would tell something that’s not the truth. It makes me break more easily when I see the guilt and fear in your eyes every time you kiss me goodnight, when I know that you aren’t telling me the truth and that you’re hiding something from me. Your body slightly trembles as I bring you in my arms and you only last five minutes in that position. After that, it’s like you’re eaten by guilt and you need to get far away from me.
And I let you.
“Jin?” I say your name and you stiffen as you’re getting dressing for work, like you can’t bare even the sound of my voice. Nevertheless, you turn around to face me and meet my eyes, trying to smile but failing badly as your lips only curl up into a weird and funny-looking smile.
It makes me mad.
“Sorry, I know that I haven’t been home that much lately.” You say even before I have the chance to reprimand you for anything. It amuses me how you search for excuses even if I hadn’t accused you of anything yet. You know that you did something wrong and I also know it, but we both keep quiet, maybe hoping that the peaceful and loving atmosphere from between us will return at some point and that we’ll be happy again.
Forgive me because I’m starting to doubt it.
“It’s okay, I know you’re busy.” I answer and my lips feel glued as I can’t bring myself to say anything else. I want to say a lot of things, I want to know even more, but seeing you like that only brings me pain and it makes me back down to not be hurt even more.
I know that if I ask, it will all be over. I know that you’ll say that you don’t love me anymore and that you want to break up with me.
I’m a coward, Jin.
I can’t say it.
It wasn’t the first time for this to happen. In the past week, I’ve gotten used to receive calls from you in the last minute canceling our date. Most of the time, I stay where I am and look at the spot next to me, thinking that you should have been there. You should have come and you should have taken my hand, just like you’ve done at the beginning of our relationship. You should have done a lot of things that you seem to have forgotten in the last days, but I don’t say anything about it. I just smile and accept your small gift of repentance as if it doesn’t bother me that much.
But it does. I feel my heart crushing every time I get dumped like this, not being able to stop wondering what was your reason for doing it. If you don’t want to meet me, then don’t plan dates. If you don’t want to be with me anymore, then don’t be nice with me and whisper sweet nothings to my ear to make me forgive you.
But then again, I can’t say anything either.
Maybe we’re just two fools.
Maybe our relationship isn’t going to nowhere after all. You changed yet again, without me knowing why but honestly, this time not caring why either. You’ve become your old self with me and you’ve started to pay attention to what I do, to what I say. You never forget to kiss me every time you see me and you start laughing when there’s someone else with us and looks incredulously at us. You quickly dismiss the problem and say that we’re in love and that we have the right to do whatever we please.
“Jiiiiiiin…” I whine as you continue to tease me, wanting to kiss me but then backing down in the next second. I pout and you laugh and my heart skips a beat at the sound of your voice. I’ve missed this, I’ve wanted these happy times to come back so much that now I feel that I have everything I need to live.
It doesn’t last long.
It takes me half a day to leave the place this time. It’s our anniversary and you promised that you’ll be here and that you won’t miss it for anything in the world. You said that you have planned this day from the scratch and you have been talking without stopping about it. But now, as the clock ticks eleven, I find myself alone in the park with just a few lonely messages beeping on my phone.
Sorry, I’m going to be late a little.
That had been the first message and it had made me smile as I suspected that you weren’t ready yet and wanted to prepare even the last detail of our perfect date. I myself have something prepared for you as I still wait for you to come, glancing at my surroundings and hoping that I learned to read wrong and that you were going to be there with me in no time.
I’m stuck somewhere, could we meet later? It will take just two hours.
I had sighed at that message, now starting to wonder what you were doing and why was it taking this long. It was Saturday so you didn’t have any work, your friends knew not to bother us on such a special day and your parents weren’t living in the same town with you to go to them for an emergency. Everything seemed weird but I still trusted you and waited for you, knowing that you’ll come eventually and that you won’t leave me alone. I decided to wait into a small coffee shop from where I could perfectly see the spot where I was standing before, anxiously waiting for the message to tell me that you were finally coming.
I’m sorry, I can’t make it today.
The last message broke my heart. As if a veil had been lifted from my eyes, I suddenly realized that you hadn’t had any urgent problem that had stopped you from coming to meet me. If something had happened, you would have let me know and we would have taken care of it together, like we have done till then. With a bitter laugh, I asked myself why did you even bother to text me those things when it was clear that you hadn’t had any intention to celebrate our anniversary. Maybe for you it doesn’t mean a lot after all. Maybe for you it’s just another day, just another normal day when nothing extraordinary happens.
For me it isn’t.
I sigh to myself and finally sit up, paying for my coffee and wanting to leave. I had waited enough, even after the last message when you announced that you wouldn’t come at all. But I hadn’t been able to stop myself from hoping that you’ll eventually come and I hadn’t wanted for you to be alone. Like in those movies, where the heroine waits and waits and leaves only when her lover finally appears, missing each other.
But you finally come and I can’t stop myself from smiling brightly as I look at your form approaching our meeting spot. You seem happy, with a wide grin plastered on your face and it makes my heart beat faster as I know that I’m the one to make you feel this way. Probably I have the same goofy expression as you as I leave the shop and try to call out your name but only to stop before even a letter leaves my mouth.
And now I understand. I have never seen her before, but I’ve seen your smile when you used to talk about the most important person for you and it doesn’t take a genius to realize that she’s your ex-lover, the one that had crushed your heart and had stepped on your feelings. She also seems happy as she clings to you, pulling on your hand to walk faster and making you laugh in return because of her enthusiasm.
It hurts, Jin. It hurts more than anything as I realize that this has been going on for a while. It pains me as I now know that those smiles from the past few weeks haven’t been for me - they had been for her, they had always been for her. What? Were you feeling guilty because you were cheating on me and that was why you had tried to act normal and make me feel safe once more into your arms? Or had your happiness for getting back with your true love been so big that you had stopped caring whom you were showing affection to as long as you could tell the whole world how happy you were?
It hurts. But even so, the only thing I can do is to laugh bitterly, trying to wipe my tears. For a brief second, our eyes meet and I see the surprise reflecting in your dark orbs before your attention is once more on her, attracted by something she’s showing to you. You never cared, did you? I was the fool one to let myself drawn into my need of love and your need of giving it. I had known from the start that I would end up with a broken heart because you were in love with someone else, but… It’s cruel, Jin. It’s cruel to show me how happiness can be only to steal it away from me.
You don’t turn to look at me anymore and it’s enough of a response for me. I turn my back on you and make my way home where I would be alone for a couple of days, trying to get over you. After that, I will once again face the world and smile like nothing happened and like I still have a heart which I can breathe with.
I never see you again.
Maybe we were better off as strangers after all.
Pairings: Akame
Genre: AU, angst
Disclaimer: Nope, still not mine and I have a few more hours till I go to sleep.
Summary: They were strangers. They were friends. They were lovers. And then they were nothing.
Strangers
We were strangers.
And maybe that’s what we should have remained, but when I saw your slumped back and lonely figure, I couldn’t help but ask myself if I can do anything for you. It’s not my style to interfere in someone’s life if I don’t know the person, but I don’t know what got into me that night or made me walk from my table to the stool at the bar where you were sitting and ordering yet another drink.
“Rough night?” I asked, with a slightly joking voice, hoping to not make you feel uncomfortable.
You laughed a bitter laugh and looked at me. Your sad and dark eyes met mine’s and you seemed to observe me for a second before returning to your glass. The bartender came again when you called for him and I was just about to open my mouth and say maybe you shouldn’t drink that much - even if it wasn’t my business - when you looked at me for the second time and made me freeze.
“My treat.” You said, giving me the glass with a little smile.
I remained surprised for a couple of seconds but then I smiled and you smiled even wider, making my heart beat a little faster. It didn’t take long for you to start talking and pour all of your problems to me and I listened to your every word, thinking what can I do to make you feel at least a little happier.
In one second, from strangers we became some people who chat.
“I think my girlfriend is cheating on me.” You confessed with a devastated voice, looking down at the glass in your hands like the whole world was against you. I nodded, knowing how it must feel because this kind of thing is something that happens to us all. “But I don’t have evidence and I can’t confront her only with rumors.” You said, shrugging like it didn’t bother you that your girlfriend was cheating on you but the fact that you couldn’t prove it. Even so, your trembling voice that I could barely hear over the loud music said it all and I knew that you were hurt and that you loved her more than anything.
I didn’t know what to say so I just nodded again. You looked at me and seemed confused for a second, but maybe that’s only my impression. “Do you have a girlfriend?” you asked, maybe trying to make conversation to forget about your pain.
“Sort of.” I answered and you laughed again. I don’t know when I became addictive to your voice, to your laughter, to everything that is you, but that night is engraved in my mind and your every word or touch written in the journal of my brain. Sometimes I’m happy because of it. Other times it just hurts badly.
“What kind of answer is that?” you said, still laughing like I had just said the best joke you have ever heard. Or maybe it was, I still wonder what it looked like to you who were in so much pain that night, trying to forget with every mean possible.
“There’s one girl that I have sex with.” I elaborated. “And when it’s convenient, I present her as my girlfriend. She does the same and we help each other out.” I winked without my knowledge, feeling terribly embarrassed after.
“Oh.” Was the last thing you said about this subject before opening another one. We kept drinking for a few hours, talking about us and silly things, enjoying ourselves and laughing like we knew each other for a long time.
From someone you have a simple chat with, I became your drinking partner for that night.
It was almost morning when we left the club and you said that you want to walk me home as a favor for keeping you company the whole night. I happily accepted, smiling like a child because it seemed that you also wanted to prolong our time together. It made me feel happy, even if I knew that there’s no chance that you feel the same as I, considering the fact that your girlfriend had popped in our conversation the whole night, like she was a necessity to your existence. I kept thinking how can I convince you to meet me again, even as friends, even as someone who can listen to you when you have problems, but nothing came to my mind and that’s how I found myself in front of my apartment.
We stood there for a couple of minutes, glancing at each other and watching the empty street. I wanted to open my mouth to thank you for taking me home when you pulled me into your arms, holding me with such a force that I felt crushed by you.
“Can I stay with you tonight?” you pleaded and I noticed that you were slightly trembling. Maybe you were afraid of my answer. Maybe you just wanted someone to comfort you and were afraid that I won’t be willing to. It didn’t matter in that moment because I hugged you back and I slowly nodded to your chest.
My position changed from a drinking partner to a one-night stand.
Your moves were uncertain that night. The first time you kissed me, I felt like I was being kissed by a very shy person though I knew that you aren’t like that. Something was off, something was different from what I expected it to be, but I didn’t know what. I broke the kiss and cupped your cheeks with my hands, looking into your eyes.
“Are you sure about this?” I asked, a little afraid that you’ll change your mind even if we were already in my room and the bed was next to us. But you just nodded, feeling more confident, and when you kissed me the second time, I knew that it was going to be alright.
Your second kiss made me weak in the knees and if it wasn’t for your hand supporting me, I would have fallen. The drinks I had had earlier were finally starting to kick in and your every touch made me feel like I was burning. You lied me down on the bed and watched me for a couple of seconds, leaving me wanting for more, gasping and searching for your hands, silently begging to touch me more. You complied and leaned over me, catching my lips with your own, making me moan because of your rough and needy kiss. I could feel everything that was you in that kiss, I knew that this was the real you and that you were willing to give yourself completely to me, even if it was only for a night.
Your hands traveled lower, almost touching my naked body but not really doing it, teasing and torturing me with each second that passed. I whined, a plea escaping my lips with a loud moan when you decided to stop playing. Your hands were cold on my body but I was already burning inside so it was a nice combination, one that made me lose my mind and threw me on a land that I should have never crossed. You kissed my whole body, licking it and leaving small red marks all over it, like you wanted to say that I belong to you, that you’re the only one who can touch me like this. You were demanding and possessive and it was the first time for me to meet such a person. It was a strange feeling but it was nevertheless good. You needed me that night and I have felt that in your every touch, every kiss.
When you entered me, you groaned of pleasure but stopped immediately, leaving me time to adjust with a foreign sensation of being filled. You seemed to rush but you were also caring, taking your time to prepare me and always careful not to hurt me. I felt happy for receiving such attention but I couldn’t help but wonder if your girlfriend is the same like me. If she even notices the small things you do for her or if she cares.
Every thought flew out of my mind when you started to move, slow at first but as my pain quickly disappeared, you also started to move faster, driven only by the desire of release. You didn’t stop from touching my body, not even once forgetting about giving me pleasure and not only for searching your own. We both came, muffling the loud moans with a sloppy kiss. You were trembling again and you didn’t stop moving inside me, riding your orgasm until you finally felt satisfied. You fell on top of me, murmuring a lame ‘sorry’ but not being able to get up. I smiled and threw the blanket over us, wrapping my arms around you and closing my eyes.
Soon, sleep fell over me.
It wasn’t my first one-night stand so I knew that I won’t find you with me the next morning. I opened my eyes, feeling cold because I didn’t have your arms surrounding me anymore, and I stared at the ceiling of my room for a couple of minutes. It had been one of the best nights of my life and I was already starting to feel regret because I haven’t even thought of asking your phone number. I laughed bitterly and closed my eyes, covering them with my hand to hide my tears from unknown looks, when I remembered that I didn’t even know your name. It didn’t seem important last night. I was so infatuated with you that I forgot to ask for the one thing that might have brought you back to me.
“Way to go, Kazuya.” I snapped at myself, feeling like a total idiot.
A loud groan responded me. I sat up and looked to my right to find a bundle of sheets covering something. I could feel my heart thumping faster and faster with each moment that passed and each inch that my hand was closer to uncover the form lying under it. I grabbed the sheets and silently cursed myself, noticing that my hand was trembling. I couldn’t understand why, I didn’t want to know why I was feeling so anxious at that time. I took a deep breath and tossed away the sheets only to find your sleeping face.
You groaned again, displeased by the lost of warmth, and you soon opened your eyelids to look at me with those big puppy eyes of yours. You smiled and reached out to me, tucking my hair under my ear. I blinked, not knowing what to do, how to respond. I was so sure that you’d be gone when I woke up, that I never thought of this happening.
“Morning.” You said to me, with that cunning voice and arrogant smile.
And then I knew that I lost the battle.
From a one-night stand, I became your friend. You thanked me for helping you that night and said that you’d like to keep in contact with me. You said that you find me an interesting person and that you’d like to know more about me, to become my friend. Not even once you mentioned what happened between us the night before so I understood your silent plea and acted like nothing ever happened. Now that I think about it, that stinging pain in my chest should have been a warning to me to not let me get closer to you. I was already feeling lost the morning when I woke up thinking that I’d be alone. I should have thought at what would happen if you let me in your life, if I get to learn more things about you.
But I accepted. I accepted to be your friend because I didn’t want to think that this will be the last time I’ll see you. I lied to myself that it’s just a crush and that it will soon vanish into thin air. Only that it didn’t. And with each meeting of ours, with each moment that we have spent together, my feelings had only grown stronger and stronger until I felt suffocated by them. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stand anymore to see you and not touch you. To hear you talking about her and not being able to say how much I love you. To listen to you saying that you’re hopelessly in love with her while I couldn’t do anything but just nod, smile and say that I understand your feelings.
I was only your friend while she was your whole world to you. Every time you talked about her, you had a sparkle in your eyes. You would grin like a stupid fool and talk about how she wakes up every morning before you just so she can make your favorite breakfast. You would laugh, thinking at her pouting face when you have a surprise for her and don’t want to tell her what. You would tremble a little, telling me that sometimes you can’t get a hold of her for about a couple of hours and that no matter how much you call, her phone is always shut down. But she calls you back and with a happy voice, she tells you that she’s out shopping and that she’ll make your favorite meal tonight. That’s when you feel guilty for doubting her.
And I tell you that it’s alright, that it isn’t your fault that you can’t trust her completely. That even if she isn’t cheating on you, she shouldn’t do things like this. And in that moment, your eyes darken and you can’t look at me anymore. I sigh, feeling my heart crushed. I know what you’re thinking and I’m sorry for doing this to you. But no matter how guilty you’ll feel for sleeping with me when she might be innocent, I won’t let you go.
Never.
You always used to talk about her. At first, I was annoyed and tried to make you forget about her at least for a few seconds, but I never succeeded. No matter what I did, she was always in your heart and no one could take her from there. At some point, I gave up. After countless of meetings with you and nights lost only talking about her, I finally decided to give up at my unrequited love and accept things as they were. You would never be mine, I knew that. But I couldn’t part from you so even if I knew that I have no chances anymore, I continued to open my door to you and invite you inside.
My heart was broken but I still smiled when you were near me. I remember that I couldn’t stand it one day and snapped at you. You looked at me, with those hurtful eyes of yours and made me feel like the worst person in this world. You sniffed and asked me if I’m okay or if something happened to me. I was so close to tell you the truth. I wanted to yell at you, to tell you how much I came to love in these few months. I imagined that you’d be surprised and you’d ask me why, but I won’t be able to give you an answer. I don’t know what made me fell in love with you when the only thing you do is talk about her. I don’t know how could I be so stupid to fall for someone who obviously only has eyes for someone else. You’d never be mine, even if I tell you my feelings. That’s why I stopped myself in time and I didn’t say anything.
You continued to inquire me. You told me that you’re worried about me and that you noticed that I don’t eat that much lately. You said that my smiles seem forceful and not as genuine as when we first started to hang out. I laughed and you looked at me, not getting what’s so funny.
“I’m okay, I just had a bad time at work.” I finally replied, trying to smile a little. You seemed content with my answer when you smiled back. I remember that you got up and said that you’d prepare me a hot bath because you know how much I love them. You added that it will make me feel more relaxed. I nodded and let myself to be taken care by you.
An hour later, when I got out the bathroom, you weren’t there anymore and the only thing that was in my mind that time was your phone ringing and someone calling for you.
No matter what, you’d always place her above me.
Every night was filled with stories about you and her. How you first met her, your first impression about her, your first date, your first kiss. I basically knew your life like I had been there all along. But I wasn’t. And I didn’t want to know all about your love life with another person. I didn’t want to hear you talking about your precious memories with someone else when my most precious memory is one so simple.
“Can we meet again?” you asked, looking at me with curious but uncertain eyes.
You were standing next to the bed, already dressed-up while I didn’t bother to get off bed. It had been just sex, it didn’t have to hurt me. I never believed in love at first sight and I definitely didn’t want to start then. It had been just a casual meeting, that’s what I was trying to tell myself. But when I looked up and my brown orbs met your dark ones, I forgot everything.
“I mean… you really helped me last night and I’d like to talk more with you.” You hurried to explain, maybe because of the surprise written on my face. “I don’t really have friends, mostly because I’m such a clumsy person. And of course, I don’t want to force you. I was just thinking that it would be nice to hang out with you and drink some other time. And…”
“Stop.” I said with a tired voice, wanting to stop your ranting. It had been only a few hours since I met you, but I could already easily see why others call you clumsy. The difference was that I didn’t understand why would this make people to stay away from you. You just seemed cute to me.
You took a deep breath and looked into my eyes. “I just want to be your friend.” You confessed and I remember that I felt touched by your sincerity. I pretended to ponder for a while before I smiled brightly at you and stretched out my hand.
“I’m Kazuya.” I said and you flinched when you heard me introducing with my first name. Nevertheless, you smiled back and shook my hand.
“I’m Jin.”
And my life changed.
It was raining that night. It was already late and I was tucked in my bed when my doorbell suddenly rang. Who could be at this hour? I didn’t know and the last person I expected to see at my doorsteps was you. You seemed devastated that night. The rain had poured hard on you and you looked like a wet puppy. It kind of made me smile, thinking that whatever you do, I can’t help comparing you with a puppy, but I stopped myself when I looked into your eyes.
You could never lie to someone, even if your life depended on it, and as we spent more time together, I came to find out that your eyes are truly the way through your heart. Even if you smile and act like everything’s alright, your eyes would always reveal the truth and all about your feelings and problems and hurt. That night, your eyes showed me the most pitiful expression that I’ve even seen. I didn’t know what happened but I already wanted to cry with you because I could feel your pain and it was the most excruciating thing I’ve ever felt.
“Can I come in?” you asked with a quiet voice, your eyes betraying the fact that you were afraid I’d refuse. I laughed to myself because you never knew and will never know how much I’d sacrifice for you. It was frustrating because in one way, it meant that you don’t know me at all. Your existence had become the most important thing to me in the past year and you still had no idea about it. I felt betrayed, I felt alone. But I also felt relieved and I cursed myself for having all of these contradicting feelings.
Still, I nodded and sighed. I stepped aside to let you in and I wanted to go and get you a towel to dry yourself, but you didn’t let me. You grabbed my hand and pulled me into your arms, burying your head into my shoulder and hugging me tight, like you almost wanted to break me. You were trembling and the moment I raised my hand to touch your back in a comforting gesture, you broke down and started to sob.
“Jin?” I called your name and I felt you tightening your hold around me even more. “Jin, talk to me.” I insisted, trying to move a little, at least to get inside and close the door behind you. You shook your head like a stubborn child and drew near my body, making me hold my breath. “Jin.” I warned you, half afraid of your intentions because you clearly weren’t using your brain to think, half wanting you to continue and make me lose my mind like the night when I met you.
“Please, don’t let go of me.” You replied with a broken voice. “Please don’t leave me too.” You almost begged and I felt my heart starting to beat faster at your words. I felt guilty instantly because I knew I should think more at you and less at my selfish feelings. I should be trying to help you and not think that I can take advantage of your suffering and need to be comforted.
And I failed.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Jin, let’s go inside.” I tried again, detaching myself from you and pulling on your sleeve. You whimpered as soon as my warmth left your body and I hurried to add: “I won’t leave anywhere, I promise.” Only then you seemed to be willing to move from your spot, even if it was still reluctantly. This time you held on my sleeve as I closed the door to my apartment and went to the living room while you followed me like a puppy. It was kind of cute, I thought, and I would have enjoyed the treatment if your eyes weren’t still dark and hurtful and depressed. Something very painful had happened to you and to be honest, I didn’t have the courage to ask you what. I was too afraid of your answer and the consequences it would have on me.
“Now, tell me, why are you like this?” I asked with the calmest voice I could muster. I sat on the couch and you immediately sat next to me, still looking down and not daring to confront my eyes. You leaned nearer until our knees touched and I felt you trembling while I gulped and tried to regain my breath.
Why are you doing this to me? I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t find my voice for this question. Instead, I sighed tiredly and raised my hand to pass my fingers through your hair, feeling you getting even closer to me until you leaned your head on my shoulder and closed your eyes. “Jin.” I said and the only response I got was your hands sneaking behind my back and surrounding my waist.
This was wrong, my brain was telling me, but my body didn’t seem keen to listen and to have its own mind, one that was drawing me closer and closer to you. I gently caressed your cheek and you started to sob again, hiding again your face from my eyes. I tried to call your name, hoping that you’d say something in the end or at least tell me a hint about what happened to you. You didn’t move from your position and I frowned, already starting to think of the worst situations. It angered me that the only thing I could think of that could make you like this was your girlfriend. If something happened to her. If she did something. If someone did something to her. It was all about her and nothing else.
The silence prolonged and I felt even more frustrated with each second that passed by. Overwhelmed by my feelings and your attitude, I put two fingers under your chin and I gently brought your eyes to meet mine, wanting to get some answers. It frightened me that I couldn’t read your eyes, that for the first time I couldn’t get what you wanted so desperately to hide from me. And I freaked out.
“Jin, please don’t scare me. Talk to me.” I begged this time, allowing my fears to get the best out of me.
Your next move startled me and I didn’t react for a long time, still stunned by what you did. I looked at you and this time you didn’t avoid my gaze by closing your eyes. You confronted me like you were daring me to stop you, like you have known all along what I feel for you. My eyes were wide open and my breath stopped in my lungs, making me choke and feel breathless, lifeless. It tortured me and in the same time, it made me feel blessed, happy, like I was over the moon.
So I did the only thing I could think of. I closed my eyes and let you kiss me.
You were different again that night. You seemed clumsy at the beginning and you still couldn’t control your trembling. You couldn’t stop your hands from shaking even when they were caressing me, touching my skin and exploring every inch of my body. You were unsecure, but I could read in your eyes your wish to do this, your need to have me even if I still didn’t know if it was because of me or because of her. It didn’t matter because in that moment all I wanted was to see you smile again, to make you feel loved and cared for and I wished you could feel my desperate need of you, of your body, of your soul.
“Jin,” I said with a low voice, clouded by lust and covered by fear. “Look only at me. See only me. There’s no one else here, baby.” I smiled when you looked at me confused, feeling how I was starting to blush. I hid my eyes from you, but you didn’t let me and brought my face to look at you. I bit my lower lip, not knowing what to expect from you. I didn’t want you to think at her when you were making love to me. I didn’t want you to imagine you’re kissing her when you’re touching my lips with yours. I hated the fact that all you can see is her and that I don’t exist in your eyes. I wanted you only for me, I couldn’t stop anymore my selfish feelings, my possessiveness that killed me from the moment I laid my eyes on you.
But I was scared in that moment. You didn’t say anything for a long time and I was starting to get impatient. We were both naked, covered only with a thin sheet. You were standing over me, trapped between my legs, and you were looking at me with an indecipherable expression. I didn’t know what to understand from it. Your eyes were observing me very carefully, but I could tell that your mind was far away, thinking at something else. At somebody else. And I got mad.
“Jin, I’m not a woman.” I told you with a slightly angered voice, trying to keep my tears from falling. “You can’t keep ignoring what’s happening just because you can pretend that we’re friends.” I continued with a murmur, choking myself in my words. You flinched and looked down, not daring anymore to look into my eyes even if you were the one who wanted this in the first place. I sighed. “Jin, I’m not her.” I finally said what was killing me inside.
I knew I’ve lost you the moment the words left my lips, but I couldn’t endure it anymore. You were slowly destroying me and I didn’t want that. I wanted to live, to feel love. To love and to be loved back, not to just love and not get anything in exchange. It hurt and I knew that it would continue to hurt as long as I’ll be next to you, as long as I’ll continue to pretend being your friend. But I had reached my limit. I didn’t want anymore to be your comfort, the one you use when you want to forget about her.
I was prepared for anything you could say to me, any remark, any reproach. But you surprised me again, as you always did.
“I know you’re not her, Kazuya.” You said slowly, gently, as if you were carefully selecting your words. You looked up and your eyes met mine’s yet again and I shuddered when I saw a burning determination flickering in your eyes. “And that’s why I’m here.” You confessed, breathing hard and with a small smile, clearly embarrassed by what you had just said.
Silence fell over us for a few moments while I tried to process your words. I didn’t know what to think of them, how to interpret them. I was scared but I couldn’t stop the beating of my heart from growing faster and faster until I could feel it explode in my chest. I wanted to cry, I wanted to dance, I wanted to scream and I wanted to sing. I wanted to beat the hell out of you for making me this confused but in the same time, I wanted to tell you how much I love you and how happy you’ve made me with those simple words.
You didn’t let me make up my mind and leaned over me once again, kissing my lips slowly, like you were asking permission. For the second time that night, I felt you different, I felt that now you know what you want and that you’ll do anything to get it. I couldn’t stop smiling when the only thought in my head was that I’m the one you want and need with such a burning desire.
For that night, from simply friends, we became sex-friends.
When I woke up the next morning, I felt cold. I spent five minutes with my eyes closed, not daring to look around me and not find you. I was afraid that everything had been a dream, that we didn’t make love and I only imagined you being so gentle and caring and loving with me. I heard a rustle and that’s when I finally opened my eyes to see you looking so dazed, so meditative. Like I’ve never seen you before.
You hadn’t left the bed and you were sitting on your ass, with your back leaned against the wall. You had one leg bent up on which you supported your left hand, a cigar between your index and middle finger. The sheet covered only your lower part so I could clearly see each time you took a puff how your chest rose slightly like it had a very heavy burden on it.
“You know, I found her in my bed with another man.” You suddenly started to talk, aware of my stare but still not looking at me. “I beat the hell out of him.” you confessed, taking another drag and closing your eyes for a few seconds.
I continued to look at you, but you didn’t seem keen on returning my gaze. You weren’t even moving and I began to be scared again that I might lose you, even if she had cheated on you and now you had the evidence. Your eyes were empty and it made me feel weird, a slight tug in my chest warning me of the consequences of our night together.
“I hit her.” You continued and I noticed how your voice seemed to die for a moment. “And we broke up. I guess it was obvious after what I did so I ran out of my own apartment and I left her there with him.” you added, leaving your cigar in the ashtray and facing my stare for the first time.
I flinched, not expecting to ever see your eyes so hurt, so guilty, so unlike-you. I got mad because even now she had a great power over you and I knew that she’ll always have. She was the one who made a mistake but I knew that you were blaming yourself, thinking maybe that you were the one at fault, that you did something that pushed her to search for another guy and retreat in the arms of her lover.
It only made me want to hit you.
I raised myself from the bed and straddled you. I cupped your cheeks in my hands and your eyes found mine’s like it was an automatic reflex. I smiled and you answered with a small curl of your lips. I kissed you and I felt you slowly relaxing in my arms, sighing worriless and your hands surrounding my waist, bringing me closer to feel more of me, to let me feel more of you.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” I said between kisses, taking advantage of the fact that you seemed to be more receptive at opinions about this. I detached myself from you to look again in your orbs, hoping that my eyes could transmit my every desire, my powerful wish to be with you and never let you feel lonely or abandoned again. “And I’ll never let you think otherwise.”
After only a few hours and in only a few minutes, from sex-friends we graduated to lovers.
And it was the best feeling I’ve ever had.
I was happy. In fact, I have never been that happy in my life as I was back then. I was smiling all the time, I was singing and I was feeling like nothing else matters as long as when I come back home, you’re there, waiting for me, smiling at me and tell me how much you had missed me. It was the best feeling ever and it took me a week to start and wonder how could I have survived so long without you. My life seemed to be finally completed, nothing was missing from it anymore and the happiness seemed to have only begun.
“Kazuuu…” you whined and looked at me with those kicked puppy eyes, making me roll my eyes.
“I’m sorry I’m late, work has been hectic lately.” I replied with a small smile, leaning towards you a little to peck your lips. I felt your lips curling up against mine in an instant and I couldn’t help but laugh, thinking that this was all you ever wanted from me.
Love, gentleness, attention. It had been a month since you had left your girlfriend and came to live with me, but I hadn’t dared until then to say anything about her. Your eyes would always darken a little when some of my friends would come over and you’d see them kissing and hugging and doing all those things that maybe you did with your girlfriend too. My heart would hurt every time, but I would tell to myself that it’s okay. It’s perfectly normal to react this way because it still hasn’t passed a long time since your last meeting and you had loved her more than your life. She had been your everything and, at some point, I came to the conclusion that you wouldn’t be able to live without her.
I sighed in relief when you didn’t seem so bothered about not seeing her, even if you couldn’t hide your sad expression from me. I knew you were hurting and I was hurting too. But maybe that’s why our life together was so perfect, because we understood each other and knew how it feels like to be betrayed.
“You said that last night too.” You pouted and waited patiently for me to get rid of my shoes and coat, attacking me in the next second and catching me into your arms, my back pressed into your chest and your breath tickling my ear. “I missed you.” You whispered with an arousing voice and I felt myself go weak into your arms.
“Were you lonely without me?” I asked with a smirk, settling my arms over yours which were encircling my waist, as I let my head fall back, my eyes searching for yours and finding a weird and powerful glint that gave me shivers and forced me to close my eyes for a second to have the strength to look again into your dark orbs.
When I opened my eyes again, you were smirking, obviously aware of the effect that you had on me. I couldn’t help but to blush under your scrutinizing stare, feeling naked and empty of all of my feelings in front of you, everything being at your feet and willing to obey to your every command. You laughed and I pouted but you soon erased my pout with your lips, claiming mine’s and engaging them into a sweet kiss. I turned around in your arms and threw my hands on your neck, hanging on to it like it was a lifesaver, like it was my only support in this world full of passion and desire and just you.
“I felt like dying without you.” You confessed with a small but serious voice, sending shivers through my whole body and making me tremble into your arms. “I don’t want to lose you. Never.” You added and I felt myself smiling in response, desperately trying to ignore the pounding of my heart to manage to say something. You were always like this, searching for reassurance from me even if you knew that I couldn’t live without you anymore. I was yours from that first night we met and it will always be like this. Even if you hurt me, even if you leave me. I’ll always love you.
“You won’t.” I chose simple words to answer as I kissed your lips, not wanting you to know how deep I have fallen for you.
Sometimes I wonder if I had been totally honest with you, I wouldn’t have had to suffer this much.
I don’t know when things started to change. We were together for a few months already when I started to notice little changes at you. You started to not be home when I got there even if I knew that you finished work half an hour earlier than me. Usually, you would come and fetch me or other times, you would go home and prepare a little surprise as you waited for me. And then there were times when you would simply come home and get into bed, too tired to do anything else. At those moments, I would come home and gently peck your lips, cover you with a blanket and sneak under it with you, immediately feeling you snuggling in my arms.
Those were the best times for me.
But now… I come home and you’re not there. You come home late in the night, kiss my lips and say that you’re sorry for being so late. I got stuck up at work. I don’t know how many times I’ve already heard that line but I’m sure of the number of times I’ve believed it.
Not even once.
Maybe the worst part of this is that you still don’t know how to lie to me. I’m not sure if you even know how to lie to someone because your eyes are shy and scared every time you would tell something that’s not the truth. It makes me break more easily when I see the guilt and fear in your eyes every time you kiss me goodnight, when I know that you aren’t telling me the truth and that you’re hiding something from me. Your body slightly trembles as I bring you in my arms and you only last five minutes in that position. After that, it’s like you’re eaten by guilt and you need to get far away from me.
And I let you.
“Jin?” I say your name and you stiffen as you’re getting dressing for work, like you can’t bare even the sound of my voice. Nevertheless, you turn around to face me and meet my eyes, trying to smile but failing badly as your lips only curl up into a weird and funny-looking smile.
It makes me mad.
“Sorry, I know that I haven’t been home that much lately.” You say even before I have the chance to reprimand you for anything. It amuses me how you search for excuses even if I hadn’t accused you of anything yet. You know that you did something wrong and I also know it, but we both keep quiet, maybe hoping that the peaceful and loving atmosphere from between us will return at some point and that we’ll be happy again.
Forgive me because I’m starting to doubt it.
“It’s okay, I know you’re busy.” I answer and my lips feel glued as I can’t bring myself to say anything else. I want to say a lot of things, I want to know even more, but seeing you like that only brings me pain and it makes me back down to not be hurt even more.
I know that if I ask, it will all be over. I know that you’ll say that you don’t love me anymore and that you want to break up with me.
I’m a coward, Jin.
I can’t say it.
It wasn’t the first time for this to happen. In the past week, I’ve gotten used to receive calls from you in the last minute canceling our date. Most of the time, I stay where I am and look at the spot next to me, thinking that you should have been there. You should have come and you should have taken my hand, just like you’ve done at the beginning of our relationship. You should have done a lot of things that you seem to have forgotten in the last days, but I don’t say anything about it. I just smile and accept your small gift of repentance as if it doesn’t bother me that much.
But it does. I feel my heart crushing every time I get dumped like this, not being able to stop wondering what was your reason for doing it. If you don’t want to meet me, then don’t plan dates. If you don’t want to be with me anymore, then don’t be nice with me and whisper sweet nothings to my ear to make me forgive you.
But then again, I can’t say anything either.
Maybe we’re just two fools.
Maybe our relationship isn’t going to nowhere after all. You changed yet again, without me knowing why but honestly, this time not caring why either. You’ve become your old self with me and you’ve started to pay attention to what I do, to what I say. You never forget to kiss me every time you see me and you start laughing when there’s someone else with us and looks incredulously at us. You quickly dismiss the problem and say that we’re in love and that we have the right to do whatever we please.
“Jiiiiiiin…” I whine as you continue to tease me, wanting to kiss me but then backing down in the next second. I pout and you laugh and my heart skips a beat at the sound of your voice. I’ve missed this, I’ve wanted these happy times to come back so much that now I feel that I have everything I need to live.
It doesn’t last long.
It takes me half a day to leave the place this time. It’s our anniversary and you promised that you’ll be here and that you won’t miss it for anything in the world. You said that you have planned this day from the scratch and you have been talking without stopping about it. But now, as the clock ticks eleven, I find myself alone in the park with just a few lonely messages beeping on my phone.
Sorry, I’m going to be late a little.
That had been the first message and it had made me smile as I suspected that you weren’t ready yet and wanted to prepare even the last detail of our perfect date. I myself have something prepared for you as I still wait for you to come, glancing at my surroundings and hoping that I learned to read wrong and that you were going to be there with me in no time.
I’m stuck somewhere, could we meet later? It will take just two hours.
I had sighed at that message, now starting to wonder what you were doing and why was it taking this long. It was Saturday so you didn’t have any work, your friends knew not to bother us on such a special day and your parents weren’t living in the same town with you to go to them for an emergency. Everything seemed weird but I still trusted you and waited for you, knowing that you’ll come eventually and that you won’t leave me alone. I decided to wait into a small coffee shop from where I could perfectly see the spot where I was standing before, anxiously waiting for the message to tell me that you were finally coming.
I’m sorry, I can’t make it today.
The last message broke my heart. As if a veil had been lifted from my eyes, I suddenly realized that you hadn’t had any urgent problem that had stopped you from coming to meet me. If something had happened, you would have let me know and we would have taken care of it together, like we have done till then. With a bitter laugh, I asked myself why did you even bother to text me those things when it was clear that you hadn’t had any intention to celebrate our anniversary. Maybe for you it doesn’t mean a lot after all. Maybe for you it’s just another day, just another normal day when nothing extraordinary happens.
For me it isn’t.
I sigh to myself and finally sit up, paying for my coffee and wanting to leave. I had waited enough, even after the last message when you announced that you wouldn’t come at all. But I hadn’t been able to stop myself from hoping that you’ll eventually come and I hadn’t wanted for you to be alone. Like in those movies, where the heroine waits and waits and leaves only when her lover finally appears, missing each other.
But you finally come and I can’t stop myself from smiling brightly as I look at your form approaching our meeting spot. You seem happy, with a wide grin plastered on your face and it makes my heart beat faster as I know that I’m the one to make you feel this way. Probably I have the same goofy expression as you as I leave the shop and try to call out your name but only to stop before even a letter leaves my mouth.
And now I understand. I have never seen her before, but I’ve seen your smile when you used to talk about the most important person for you and it doesn’t take a genius to realize that she’s your ex-lover, the one that had crushed your heart and had stepped on your feelings. She also seems happy as she clings to you, pulling on your hand to walk faster and making you laugh in return because of her enthusiasm.
It hurts, Jin. It hurts more than anything as I realize that this has been going on for a while. It pains me as I now know that those smiles from the past few weeks haven’t been for me - they had been for her, they had always been for her. What? Were you feeling guilty because you were cheating on me and that was why you had tried to act normal and make me feel safe once more into your arms? Or had your happiness for getting back with your true love been so big that you had stopped caring whom you were showing affection to as long as you could tell the whole world how happy you were?
It hurts. But even so, the only thing I can do is to laugh bitterly, trying to wipe my tears. For a brief second, our eyes meet and I see the surprise reflecting in your dark orbs before your attention is once more on her, attracted by something she’s showing to you. You never cared, did you? I was the fool one to let myself drawn into my need of love and your need of giving it. I had known from the start that I would end up with a broken heart because you were in love with someone else, but… It’s cruel, Jin. It’s cruel to show me how happiness can be only to steal it away from me.
You don’t turn to look at me anymore and it’s enough of a response for me. I turn my back on you and make my way home where I would be alone for a couple of days, trying to get over you. After that, I will once again face the world and smile like nothing happened and like I still have a heart which I can breathe with.
I never see you again.
Maybe we were better off as strangers after all.