Remember when - Chapter three
The first
thing he noticed was that he had a terrible headache. The second one - that he
wasn’t in his room, not even his apartment. He closed his eyes again, trying to
remember what had happened the night before when he felt someone moving next to
him. He opened his eyes wide, starting to feel panicked.
‘Tell me I didn’t hit on a random girl and went home with her’ Jin prayed in his mind, still not daring to look at the person who was sleeping peacefully on his arm. He tried to calm down and that’s when he remembered that he went to Kazuya’s home. Now that he was looking for the second time, the room was very familiar and he recognized it as being Kazuya’s. His eyes finally fell on the sleeping boy who was now moving restlessly, unintentionally trying to gain the same position he had before Jin woke up.
A smile crept up to Jin’s lips. It had been long since he last saw the younger like this. He looked peaceful and for the first time in months he didn’t look tired. Jin always used to argue with Kazuya because of this and force him to go to sleep, but they weren’t that close anymore and now Jin didn’t have the right to say anything about Kazuya’s life. He could only watch him overworking until breakdown. And this didn’t happen only once.
Kazuya cuddled at his chest and he sighed and caressed his cheek, the last memory of last night crawling to his mind. He kissed Kazuya. He kissed his band mate, the one who had been his best friend for a long time. What had he done? Panic started to rule over him again, his body trembling with fear at what Kazuya’s reaction would be.
Oh, God, he was going to get hit and it’s going to hurt. Bad.
But Kazuya didn’t reject him last night. On the contrary, he kissed him back with the same passion and intensity. It wasn’t that Jin kissed Kazuya. They kissed. Both wanted this to happen and this made Jin freak out.
“Hmmm…”
He looked at Kazuya who started to mumble something and after that went back to sleep. The smile was back on his lips when Jin remembered that they used to sleep together a lot. The younger was always clingy and in the morning he would wake up to find Kazuya sleeping not next to him, but on top of him, looking happier to be like this. That imagine was adorable and Jin liked to watch the boy sleeping for a long time because it was rare that he was the one to woke up first. He never was good in the morning.
But what should he do now? He thought that he could go back to sleep, maybe his migraine would disappear too if he was lucky. Unfortunately, luck never was on his side. Jin’s eyes fell on the clock and he sighed again, seeing that he only has one hour until he has to be at the studio. At least Kazuya’s apartment was closer to the jimusho than his house, this way he still had half an hour to spare.
He carefully detached himself from Kazuya’s arms, giving him his pillow to hug instead of his body. He got up from the couch and growled at the serious headache that suddenly hit him. How much did they drink anyway? He looked around him at all the bottles spread on the floor, immediately wishing that he didn’t do that. He didn’t even want to count them, but he guessed that Kazuya now has to refill his bar because they surely emptied it.
He sighed for the nth time that morning and decided to clean up since he still had a little time. First he went to Kazuya’s bedroom and took a blanket covering the younger one with it. He took all the bottles and threw them to the trash. Looking satisfied, he went to the kitchen to make some breakfast, trying his best not to wake Kazuya up - it happened before and Kazuya definitely wasn’t happy to find his kitchen covered in smoke. He decided to make some eggs with bacon, knowing that this is the younger one’s favorite and hoping that he would heat the food later and eat it before he goes to work.
He ate quietly, thinking at what happened. He felt guilty because for the first time he was really glad that he was going to have more solo activities than with KAT-TUN. This way he didn’t have to face Kazuya until much later, maybe even after his concerts in LA. But he knew that he can’t do this. He would have to talk with him as soon as possible because he didn’t want to fight with Kazuya.
Not now when he was taking a huge step for him.
He washed the dishes, slightly amazed that he still knows how to move around in Kazuya’s house. Before he went to LA, this was his second home, he was always at Kazuya’s place or him at Jin’s place. Everyone knew that they have to search for one to find the other. He knew this house better than his own, so now he was feeling a little weird to be here again. Of course, this didn’t mean that he hasn’t visited Kazuya these years. He had to but he never stayed until late and he never slept over again.
Until this night.
After he made sure that everything is clean and that he left the food where Kazuya can easily see it, Jin came back to the living room to check on him. Kazuya was still as he left him, hugging his pillow like it was something very dear to him. He chuckled, comparing him with a little child. Kazuya was already a grown-up for everyone, but Jin knew better. He knew that Kazuya acts childishly when he’s feeling good and when he’s in the company of people who know him for whom he really is. He knew that he could also be selfish and act cute when he wants something. He knew that Kazuya takes advantage of his sweetness to fuddle you and get what he wants. He knew that Kazuya likes pranks and that he would always laugh at Jin’s silliness.
And that’s when he got an idea. An evil smirk appeared on his lips and Jin thought to himself that he’s going to enjoy this. He went back to the bedroom to get another blanket - one ticker - and he started to put his plan in action. After that, he thought that he should explain to Kazuya why he had to leave so he decided to leave him a letter. He sat at the table next to the couch from where he could watch Kazuya tossing and he started writing.
Kazu,
I’m sorry that I couldn’t stay, but I had to go to work. I hope you won’t be angry when you’ll see that you ran out of beverage *scared* It was your fault, just so you know!! :D
He looked up to see Kazuya throwing the blanket of him and Jin gulped. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea what he had done. But he couldn’t change anything now because he was scared Kazuya would wake up. And he surely didn’t want to be there when he realizes what Jin did to him.
Or maybe yes. His expression will be priceless after all.
I… I hope we can talk about what happened last night. I know we were drunk, but… I don’t want this to change anything between us. I don’t know if it was a mistake. I wish we could talk, ok? So call me when you’re free.
By the way, I took a picture of you before I left ^^
Jin.
He grinned to himself and left the letter on the table. He closed the door behind him, leaving Kazuya to sleep completely naked.
It was going to be priceless indeed.
*
“You are stupid.”
Jin raised his head to look at Yamapi and arched an eyebrow. Well, sure, he was often named Bakanishi, but Jin really didn’t think that he made a mistake this time. Only maybe when he decided to talk with Yamapi about his problems.
“Am not” he argued like a child, pouting at him.
“Then what do you call this?” Yamapi retorted with an amused face.
They were at Jin’s house because Yamapi suddenly appeared at his door, grinning like a clown and saying that he missed his best friend. They finished the bottle of vodka that he brought half an hour ago, talking about stupid things all the time. Still, Jin didn’t know how they got to this topic, but he found himself talking about his problems with Kazuya and confessing what happened between them over two weeks ago.
Only Yamapi could get him drunk to talk about something as private as this.
“I don’t know” Jin continued to pout, refusing to meet his friend’s eyes.
Even if he left a note in which he told Kazuya to call him, the younger boy still didn’t contacted him. Well, Jin wasn’t that surprised, he knew that Kazuya is now busy with the Asia Tour, but this didn’t mean that he hasn’t got a minute to spare and to make a call. It wasn’t that hard, was it?
But on the other hand, Jin didn’t call him either and it’s been two weeks since they last saw each other.
“Then you are stupid” Yamapi repeated with a grin. “If you are so worried that he doesn’t want to talk to you anymore, then you should call him and get over with it.”
“But I’m scared, Pi…”
Yamapi sighed. He never saw Jin getting so worked up over a kiss. Normally he would have congratulated him for finally being serious in a relationship but he couldn’t do it now. Jin didn’t kiss a random girl, he kissed a guy and not just any guy. He kissed his band mate. Kazuya Kamenashi. From the start, this wasn’t supposed to end well.
“Jin, you still have to face him, he’s still your band mate. What are you going to do when you’ll have to be on the same stage? Totally ignore him?”
“Well, it’s not like he’s not doing that” Jin rolled his eyes, looking annoyed.
He knew that Kazuya was mad at him but he thought that they are at least in good terms after their talk when he came back from LA the last time. The younger one seemed to have forgiven him and he gradually started to talk with him. But this only happened backstage. On stage, Kazuya would act like Jin didn’t exist and he couldn’t understand why. Why be friendly in private and so cold in front of others?
“Oh, and you are doing such a great effort to change that!” Yamapi mocked him. “You ignore him too when you’re on stage and you’re doing it again now!”
Jin sulked again. He knew that this was true, but he didn’t want to admit that Yamapi was right. “At least I’m ignoring everyone, not just him” he mumbled upset.
“And how it that better?” Yamapi raised an eyebrow at him. “Oh, God, I forgot that I was talking with a child” he then rolled his eyes when Jin started to play with his fingers, his eyes examining the floor. “Look, you have to talk with him. It was just a mistake, right? Then tell him so and everything will be like always!”
Jin nodded even if he wasn’t that sure that this is the right solution. If it was a mistake, why couldn’t he say it? If he didn’t like that kiss, why was he still thinking at Kazuya’s lips? If he didn’t care at all about his band mate, then why… why couldn’t he forget what happened between them?
“Call him, Jin, and tell him you’re sorry and that this will never happen again. Kame is probably waiting for the same thing.”
But how wrong was he.
*
Jin sighed. It was becoming a habit to sit at his window, with his phone in hand, night by night. He still didn’t call Kazuya and with each day that passed by, Jin was feeling more discouraged to make that phone call. It’s been now over a month and soon Kazuya will have to leave for his Asia Tour. And he’ll have to leave too because his concerts will start and he still has some things to do.
His chances to talk with Kazuya were slowly decreasing.
He looked at his phone one more time, finally deciding to type Kazuya’s number. He stared at it for a long time until the phone shut itself down and the number disappeared. He pressed a button and the light went on again, but Jin closed his phone and threw it on his bed.
He felt like an idiot. Why couldn’t he make a stupid phone call? Why was he always a coward when it came to Kazuya? He now knew that Kazuya wouldn’t call him. Of course, he kissed him all of the sudden, Jin understood him perfectly why he didn’t want to see him. He would have done the same to prevent an embarrassing situation.
But this didn’t mean that he wasn’t hurt by Kazuya’s behavior.
Maybe it was better this way. They needed a time off and they’ll talk about what happened when they came back, with clearer minds. Maybe Kazuya won’t be upset then. Maybe Jin will have more courage and he’ll finally face him.
His time was slowly fading anyway because Kazuya was supposed to leave Tokyo in a few days. Jin didn’t know his schedule exactly, but his manager told him that their concerts will begin in two weeks. Two weeks for Jin to make a move.
But he knew that he won’t do anything.
*
And the time has run out, just like that. Jin watched Kazuya’s car leaving, wondering if things would have been better if he had said something. Honestly, he wasn’t sure. And he was tired to chase after Kazuya. This was his whole life, him making mistakes and trying after that to apologize to his band mate. He didn’t know now why he even bothered to do that.
But he never wanted Kazuya to think bad about him. He wanted Kazuya to be proud of him, to acknowledge him as his eternal rival. That’s why he always did his best and put his whole soul in every performance. Maybe he wasn’t the perfect host, but at least he always sang with his heart, for him and for his fans. He loved the attention, but he loved it even more when Kazuya was next to him. He wanted to share everything with him - fame, dreams, happiness.
But it seemed like it wasn’t meant to be.
He put out his cigarette and left the jimusho. His work wasn’t finished for that day but he didn’t feel like continuing after he saw his fellow members leaving without him. It was the second time that they’ll have concerts without him. The second time that KAT-TUN will miss its ‘A’ and he felt sad because even if KAT-TUN wasn’t his dream like it was Kazuya’s, it was still a very important part for him. He didn’t get it why nobody tried to understand him. All they did was blame him for chasing his dreams. He was selfish, he knew that, but what’s so wrong with being selfish once in a while?
He continued to drive, blaming himself and everyone in his head. He would have liked to talk with the other members one more time, but how could he? He was afraid to face them for a second time, considering how their last meeting finished. They won’t forgive him for a second time, he was sure. He still remembered Koki’s yells from that time when they came to New York to discuss with him about his return to KAT-TUN.
They were all pissed off then. But they would surely kill him now.
He left his car, toying with his keys. He didn’t know why he was here, but he felt like he needed to see this apartment one more time. He slowly opened the door to Kazuya’s apartment, making his way in. It looked like nothing had changed from when he was there last time, almost two months ago. He smiled and a blush covered his cheeks when he remembered what happened when he was here with Kazuya. A strange feeling was making him act shy, but Jin decided to ignore it. He took a deep breath and let his eyes wander in the room, a little smile forming on his lips from time to time when he found something familiar.
He sighed and threw himself on the couch, inhaling Kazuya’s smell. He always liked the younger’s smell, it was somehow refreshing, it always made him feel better, like it gave him wings to fly. He liked to have Kazuya next to him but now they’ll be separated for a long time. He’ll be in LA for six months again and when he’ll come back, he’ll have to work harder to catch up with the guys. They were going to release a new single. They’ll have to release soon a new album too for their concerts. And they’ll have a DVD eventually.
And he wasn’t going to be in neither of them.
He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to leave KAT-TUN, he didn’t want to leave Kazuya. But in the same time, he didn’t want to keep being just a singer for the band. He wanted to go worldwide by himself. He didn’t want tours in Asia, he wanted to conquer America, to share his music with Americans and Europeans. He wanted to sing his own music to his fans, his own visions of life. He couldn’t say that he disliked KAT-TUN’s style, but it wasn’t his. It never was.
He cuddled on the couch and closed his eyes, thinking at the last time he saw Kazuya. And for the first time, guilt was the only thing that he could feel. Kazuya was the most devastated even if he didn’t let him see that. He knew that Kazuya was counting on him, he wanted Jin to always be there for him. It was different when the two of them were leading KAT-TUN. Kazuya was relaxed when he sang with Jin because he knew that he isn’t alone, that he has someone to watch his back. But now all the responsibility was on his shoulders again and he knew that Kazuya was going to force himself to be perfect.
Of course, there still was Maru, Ueda, Koki and Junno who could help him. But they weren’t used to this and most of the time when Jin or Kame made a mistake, they were too busy with their own stuff to cover for them. That’s why they were so close. That’s why they understood each other so good.
Because they knew what the other wants.
He got up, looking sad. He wasn’t sure that Kazuya will forgive him. He knew that the others will skin him alive. But he couldn’t let himself be bothered with this any more. He decided to be selfish and that’s what he’ll do from now on. Fuck KAT-TUN, fuck the others. He’ll be making his debut in America and this is the only thing that he should be concerned about. He’ll deal with the other stuff when the time comes.
He glanced for the last time at Kazuya’s apartment and left it, ignoring the pain in his heart. He still had work to do. His flight was in a few weeks and he wasn’t going to waste the chance that he got.
Chapter 4: P.S. You hurt me, but I'll miss you
‘Tell me I didn’t hit on a random girl and went home with her’ Jin prayed in his mind, still not daring to look at the person who was sleeping peacefully on his arm. He tried to calm down and that’s when he remembered that he went to Kazuya’s home. Now that he was looking for the second time, the room was very familiar and he recognized it as being Kazuya’s. His eyes finally fell on the sleeping boy who was now moving restlessly, unintentionally trying to gain the same position he had before Jin woke up.
A smile crept up to Jin’s lips. It had been long since he last saw the younger like this. He looked peaceful and for the first time in months he didn’t look tired. Jin always used to argue with Kazuya because of this and force him to go to sleep, but they weren’t that close anymore and now Jin didn’t have the right to say anything about Kazuya’s life. He could only watch him overworking until breakdown. And this didn’t happen only once.
Kazuya cuddled at his chest and he sighed and caressed his cheek, the last memory of last night crawling to his mind. He kissed Kazuya. He kissed his band mate, the one who had been his best friend for a long time. What had he done? Panic started to rule over him again, his body trembling with fear at what Kazuya’s reaction would be.
Oh, God, he was going to get hit and it’s going to hurt. Bad.
But Kazuya didn’t reject him last night. On the contrary, he kissed him back with the same passion and intensity. It wasn’t that Jin kissed Kazuya. They kissed. Both wanted this to happen and this made Jin freak out.
“Hmmm…”
He looked at Kazuya who started to mumble something and after that went back to sleep. The smile was back on his lips when Jin remembered that they used to sleep together a lot. The younger was always clingy and in the morning he would wake up to find Kazuya sleeping not next to him, but on top of him, looking happier to be like this. That imagine was adorable and Jin liked to watch the boy sleeping for a long time because it was rare that he was the one to woke up first. He never was good in the morning.
But what should he do now? He thought that he could go back to sleep, maybe his migraine would disappear too if he was lucky. Unfortunately, luck never was on his side. Jin’s eyes fell on the clock and he sighed again, seeing that he only has one hour until he has to be at the studio. At least Kazuya’s apartment was closer to the jimusho than his house, this way he still had half an hour to spare.
He carefully detached himself from Kazuya’s arms, giving him his pillow to hug instead of his body. He got up from the couch and growled at the serious headache that suddenly hit him. How much did they drink anyway? He looked around him at all the bottles spread on the floor, immediately wishing that he didn’t do that. He didn’t even want to count them, but he guessed that Kazuya now has to refill his bar because they surely emptied it.
He sighed for the nth time that morning and decided to clean up since he still had a little time. First he went to Kazuya’s bedroom and took a blanket covering the younger one with it. He took all the bottles and threw them to the trash. Looking satisfied, he went to the kitchen to make some breakfast, trying his best not to wake Kazuya up - it happened before and Kazuya definitely wasn’t happy to find his kitchen covered in smoke. He decided to make some eggs with bacon, knowing that this is the younger one’s favorite and hoping that he would heat the food later and eat it before he goes to work.
He ate quietly, thinking at what happened. He felt guilty because for the first time he was really glad that he was going to have more solo activities than with KAT-TUN. This way he didn’t have to face Kazuya until much later, maybe even after his concerts in LA. But he knew that he can’t do this. He would have to talk with him as soon as possible because he didn’t want to fight with Kazuya.
Not now when he was taking a huge step for him.
He washed the dishes, slightly amazed that he still knows how to move around in Kazuya’s house. Before he went to LA, this was his second home, he was always at Kazuya’s place or him at Jin’s place. Everyone knew that they have to search for one to find the other. He knew this house better than his own, so now he was feeling a little weird to be here again. Of course, this didn’t mean that he hasn’t visited Kazuya these years. He had to but he never stayed until late and he never slept over again.
Until this night.
After he made sure that everything is clean and that he left the food where Kazuya can easily see it, Jin came back to the living room to check on him. Kazuya was still as he left him, hugging his pillow like it was something very dear to him. He chuckled, comparing him with a little child. Kazuya was already a grown-up for everyone, but Jin knew better. He knew that Kazuya acts childishly when he’s feeling good and when he’s in the company of people who know him for whom he really is. He knew that he could also be selfish and act cute when he wants something. He knew that Kazuya takes advantage of his sweetness to fuddle you and get what he wants. He knew that Kazuya likes pranks and that he would always laugh at Jin’s silliness.
And that’s when he got an idea. An evil smirk appeared on his lips and Jin thought to himself that he’s going to enjoy this. He went back to the bedroom to get another blanket - one ticker - and he started to put his plan in action. After that, he thought that he should explain to Kazuya why he had to leave so he decided to leave him a letter. He sat at the table next to the couch from where he could watch Kazuya tossing and he started writing.
Kazu,
I’m sorry that I couldn’t stay, but I had to go to work. I hope you won’t be angry when you’ll see that you ran out of beverage *scared* It was your fault, just so you know!! :D
He looked up to see Kazuya throwing the blanket of him and Jin gulped. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea what he had done. But he couldn’t change anything now because he was scared Kazuya would wake up. And he surely didn’t want to be there when he realizes what Jin did to him.
Or maybe yes. His expression will be priceless after all.
I… I hope we can talk about what happened last night. I know we were drunk, but… I don’t want this to change anything between us. I don’t know if it was a mistake. I wish we could talk, ok? So call me when you’re free.
By the way, I took a picture of you before I left ^^
Jin.
He grinned to himself and left the letter on the table. He closed the door behind him, leaving Kazuya to sleep completely naked.
It was going to be priceless indeed.
*
“You are stupid.”
Jin raised his head to look at Yamapi and arched an eyebrow. Well, sure, he was often named Bakanishi, but Jin really didn’t think that he made a mistake this time. Only maybe when he decided to talk with Yamapi about his problems.
“Am not” he argued like a child, pouting at him.
“Then what do you call this?” Yamapi retorted with an amused face.
They were at Jin’s house because Yamapi suddenly appeared at his door, grinning like a clown and saying that he missed his best friend. They finished the bottle of vodka that he brought half an hour ago, talking about stupid things all the time. Still, Jin didn’t know how they got to this topic, but he found himself talking about his problems with Kazuya and confessing what happened between them over two weeks ago.
Only Yamapi could get him drunk to talk about something as private as this.
“I don’t know” Jin continued to pout, refusing to meet his friend’s eyes.
Even if he left a note in which he told Kazuya to call him, the younger boy still didn’t contacted him. Well, Jin wasn’t that surprised, he knew that Kazuya is now busy with the Asia Tour, but this didn’t mean that he hasn’t got a minute to spare and to make a call. It wasn’t that hard, was it?
But on the other hand, Jin didn’t call him either and it’s been two weeks since they last saw each other.
“Then you are stupid” Yamapi repeated with a grin. “If you are so worried that he doesn’t want to talk to you anymore, then you should call him and get over with it.”
“But I’m scared, Pi…”
Yamapi sighed. He never saw Jin getting so worked up over a kiss. Normally he would have congratulated him for finally being serious in a relationship but he couldn’t do it now. Jin didn’t kiss a random girl, he kissed a guy and not just any guy. He kissed his band mate. Kazuya Kamenashi. From the start, this wasn’t supposed to end well.
“Jin, you still have to face him, he’s still your band mate. What are you going to do when you’ll have to be on the same stage? Totally ignore him?”
“Well, it’s not like he’s not doing that” Jin rolled his eyes, looking annoyed.
He knew that Kazuya was mad at him but he thought that they are at least in good terms after their talk when he came back from LA the last time. The younger one seemed to have forgiven him and he gradually started to talk with him. But this only happened backstage. On stage, Kazuya would act like Jin didn’t exist and he couldn’t understand why. Why be friendly in private and so cold in front of others?
“Oh, and you are doing such a great effort to change that!” Yamapi mocked him. “You ignore him too when you’re on stage and you’re doing it again now!”
Jin sulked again. He knew that this was true, but he didn’t want to admit that Yamapi was right. “At least I’m ignoring everyone, not just him” he mumbled upset.
“And how it that better?” Yamapi raised an eyebrow at him. “Oh, God, I forgot that I was talking with a child” he then rolled his eyes when Jin started to play with his fingers, his eyes examining the floor. “Look, you have to talk with him. It was just a mistake, right? Then tell him so and everything will be like always!”
Jin nodded even if he wasn’t that sure that this is the right solution. If it was a mistake, why couldn’t he say it? If he didn’t like that kiss, why was he still thinking at Kazuya’s lips? If he didn’t care at all about his band mate, then why… why couldn’t he forget what happened between them?
“Call him, Jin, and tell him you’re sorry and that this will never happen again. Kame is probably waiting for the same thing.”
But how wrong was he.
*
Jin sighed. It was becoming a habit to sit at his window, with his phone in hand, night by night. He still didn’t call Kazuya and with each day that passed by, Jin was feeling more discouraged to make that phone call. It’s been now over a month and soon Kazuya will have to leave for his Asia Tour. And he’ll have to leave too because his concerts will start and he still has some things to do.
His chances to talk with Kazuya were slowly decreasing.
He looked at his phone one more time, finally deciding to type Kazuya’s number. He stared at it for a long time until the phone shut itself down and the number disappeared. He pressed a button and the light went on again, but Jin closed his phone and threw it on his bed.
He felt like an idiot. Why couldn’t he make a stupid phone call? Why was he always a coward when it came to Kazuya? He now knew that Kazuya wouldn’t call him. Of course, he kissed him all of the sudden, Jin understood him perfectly why he didn’t want to see him. He would have done the same to prevent an embarrassing situation.
But this didn’t mean that he wasn’t hurt by Kazuya’s behavior.
Maybe it was better this way. They needed a time off and they’ll talk about what happened when they came back, with clearer minds. Maybe Kazuya won’t be upset then. Maybe Jin will have more courage and he’ll finally face him.
His time was slowly fading anyway because Kazuya was supposed to leave Tokyo in a few days. Jin didn’t know his schedule exactly, but his manager told him that their concerts will begin in two weeks. Two weeks for Jin to make a move.
But he knew that he won’t do anything.
*
And the time has run out, just like that. Jin watched Kazuya’s car leaving, wondering if things would have been better if he had said something. Honestly, he wasn’t sure. And he was tired to chase after Kazuya. This was his whole life, him making mistakes and trying after that to apologize to his band mate. He didn’t know now why he even bothered to do that.
But he never wanted Kazuya to think bad about him. He wanted Kazuya to be proud of him, to acknowledge him as his eternal rival. That’s why he always did his best and put his whole soul in every performance. Maybe he wasn’t the perfect host, but at least he always sang with his heart, for him and for his fans. He loved the attention, but he loved it even more when Kazuya was next to him. He wanted to share everything with him - fame, dreams, happiness.
But it seemed like it wasn’t meant to be.
He put out his cigarette and left the jimusho. His work wasn’t finished for that day but he didn’t feel like continuing after he saw his fellow members leaving without him. It was the second time that they’ll have concerts without him. The second time that KAT-TUN will miss its ‘A’ and he felt sad because even if KAT-TUN wasn’t his dream like it was Kazuya’s, it was still a very important part for him. He didn’t get it why nobody tried to understand him. All they did was blame him for chasing his dreams. He was selfish, he knew that, but what’s so wrong with being selfish once in a while?
He continued to drive, blaming himself and everyone in his head. He would have liked to talk with the other members one more time, but how could he? He was afraid to face them for a second time, considering how their last meeting finished. They won’t forgive him for a second time, he was sure. He still remembered Koki’s yells from that time when they came to New York to discuss with him about his return to KAT-TUN.
They were all pissed off then. But they would surely kill him now.
He left his car, toying with his keys. He didn’t know why he was here, but he felt like he needed to see this apartment one more time. He slowly opened the door to Kazuya’s apartment, making his way in. It looked like nothing had changed from when he was there last time, almost two months ago. He smiled and a blush covered his cheeks when he remembered what happened when he was here with Kazuya. A strange feeling was making him act shy, but Jin decided to ignore it. He took a deep breath and let his eyes wander in the room, a little smile forming on his lips from time to time when he found something familiar.
He sighed and threw himself on the couch, inhaling Kazuya’s smell. He always liked the younger’s smell, it was somehow refreshing, it always made him feel better, like it gave him wings to fly. He liked to have Kazuya next to him but now they’ll be separated for a long time. He’ll be in LA for six months again and when he’ll come back, he’ll have to work harder to catch up with the guys. They were going to release a new single. They’ll have to release soon a new album too for their concerts. And they’ll have a DVD eventually.
And he wasn’t going to be in neither of them.
He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to leave KAT-TUN, he didn’t want to leave Kazuya. But in the same time, he didn’t want to keep being just a singer for the band. He wanted to go worldwide by himself. He didn’t want tours in Asia, he wanted to conquer America, to share his music with Americans and Europeans. He wanted to sing his own music to his fans, his own visions of life. He couldn’t say that he disliked KAT-TUN’s style, but it wasn’t his. It never was.
He cuddled on the couch and closed his eyes, thinking at the last time he saw Kazuya. And for the first time, guilt was the only thing that he could feel. Kazuya was the most devastated even if he didn’t let him see that. He knew that Kazuya was counting on him, he wanted Jin to always be there for him. It was different when the two of them were leading KAT-TUN. Kazuya was relaxed when he sang with Jin because he knew that he isn’t alone, that he has someone to watch his back. But now all the responsibility was on his shoulders again and he knew that Kazuya was going to force himself to be perfect.
Of course, there still was Maru, Ueda, Koki and Junno who could help him. But they weren’t used to this and most of the time when Jin or Kame made a mistake, they were too busy with their own stuff to cover for them. That’s why they were so close. That’s why they understood each other so good.
Because they knew what the other wants.
He got up, looking sad. He wasn’t sure that Kazuya will forgive him. He knew that the others will skin him alive. But he couldn’t let himself be bothered with this any more. He decided to be selfish and that’s what he’ll do from now on. Fuck KAT-TUN, fuck the others. He’ll be making his debut in America and this is the only thing that he should be concerned about. He’ll deal with the other stuff when the time comes.
He glanced for the last time at Kazuya’s apartment and left it, ignoring the pain in his heart. He still had work to do. His flight was in a few weeks and he wasn’t going to waste the chance that he got.
Chapter 4: P.S. You hurt me, but I'll miss you