Terminator Salvation Play-by-Play Part 2
Two Seconds Later In The Missile Silo
Barnes: Where's my Grenade Launcher!?
Random Dude: Hey, what about Blair?
Barnes: I never liked her anyway. *fires grenade launcher*
Grenade: BOOM!!!
Marcus: *throws himself on top of Blair (Blair: HOT!) to save her from the grenade fireball.*
Blair: That was SO sexy. Even your metal skeleton arm is sexy!
Marcus: I know. Escaping now?
Outside The Not So Hidden Base
Marcus: Minefield? Bad?
Blair: Don't worry, I have a plan! *sets off all the mines*
Marcus: Great plan!
They arrive at the Jeep…and it is exploded by another grenade launcher attack.
Marcus: Now what?
Blair: …my plan ended at the Jeep!
Marcus: I take it back. Your plan sucked! New plan!
ANOTHER rocket attack later… the dust cloud clears..
Soldiers: We totally got you, cyborg asshole!
Figure Wearing Marcus' Badass Coat: Hey guys! It's me! Blair!
Soldiers: Shit.
Marcus: WOO! Motorcycle!!!.... * epic wipeout.* Ah well. Foot it is!
John Connor: MACHINE GUN YOU DOWN! From my helicopter.
Marcus: Ow, dammit. Machinegun to the head hurts!
John Connor: Just in case THAT didn't work….
The Whole Damn Forest: *explodes as John Connor drops Napalm on it. The WHOLE damn forest.*
John Connor: Just in case he survived that, check the river!
Random Soldier: Nope. Don't see anything… wait.. I see something…
Snakebot: FACEMUNCHING LEAP!!
Random Soldier: AIE! My face! *death*
Snakebot's Friends: MOAR FACEMUNCHING!!
John Connor: Shit. Maybe I'm not such a great planner either…
Truly Excessive Number Of Snakebots begin converging on John Connor.
John Connor: Damn, good thing I have enough bullets to destroy you all!
Snakebot #Excessive: Except me!
Marcus: *leaps up and RIPS THE SNAKEBOT IN HALF!* Yeah, that's what I'm for!
John Connor: And now I'm gunna shoot you in the heart!
Marcus: What if I save Kyle Reese? Will you consider not shooting me in the heart? Even though I could probably take your gun away and crush your skull before you could blink considering my newly-discovered Cyborg Superpowers.
John Connor: How you gunna do that?
Marcus: With my Cyborg Superpowers. Duh.
John Connor: Ah, right. Forgot those.
And then John Connor gives Marcus a cell phone (or something) to contact him when he finds Kyle Reese so that John Connor can come take all the credit for saving Kyle. And Marcus SWIMS AWAY in a RIVER! Can I get a cellphone that survives swimming in rivers? Mine does not.
Mob of Soldiers: Where'd the cyborg go?
John Connor: Dunno.
In Blair William's Cell of Shame
John Connor: WTF, Blair?
Blair Williams: I saw a man, not a machine. And I looked REALLY close. And all over.
John Connor: Yeah, I get it.
In The Not So Hidden Base Bunker
John Connor: General Asshat, I can save those prisoners!
General Asshat: NO! Stay the course! The course of mass murder and collateral damage casualties!
John Connor (played by Batman): IF WE STAY THE COURSE WE ARE DEAD! WE ARE ALL DEAD!!!!
General Asshat: F-U Connor! You're OUT of the Resistance.
Connor's Soldiers: Sorry, what? We didn't catch that. Our ears were still ringing from Connor's Batman Rant.
Connor: Good men.
On Resistance 91.4 FM
Connor: Command wants us to make cold, calculated decisions! But we don’'t work that way ! We're HUMAN dammit and we make INSANE decisions with no regard for logic or tactics!
Resistance: HELL YEAH!
Connor: So don't blow up Skynet till tomorrow, kthnxbye.
Resistance: Wait..huh? Whatever. He's JOHN CONNOR and we must obey.
At Skynet
Marcus: I'm here, bitches!
Bitches: Cool. Come on inside.
Marcus: I will! And I'm (sinister voice) coming for you!
Bitches: Noted.
In Skynet's Command Center Which Has A Really Awesome Graphical User Interface That Totally Makes Sense For a Machine Overmind Which Doesn’t Even Have Eyeballs…
Marcus: *goes all Cylon and logs into the computer with his hand.*
Computer: *gives Marcus one MAJOR headache.*
Marcus: OW! *blackout*
In Skynet's Really White Prison
Connor: *releases everyone…except Kyle Reese.*
Connor: Kyle Reese?
Everyone: Nope.
Connor: DAMMIT!!
Skynet Command Room
Marcus: Oh, hey, my face is back! And my hands! And my chest! WOO!! (very mild WOO!, really)
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: Hello Marcus! I KNEW you'd be back, since I've been secretly controlling you this whole time.
Marcus: WTF? You're DEAD!
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: So are you. Good job infiltrating the Resistance and bringing us John Connor.
Marcus: No!!!
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: *replays every significant scene thus far through Marcus' eyes because she's IN HIS HEAD.*
Marcus: NO!!!
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: So, that whole signal thing you haven't heard of at all? It's my Master Plot to destroy the Resistance. They will be Terminated. NOT Skynet. Bitch.
At The Secret Resistance Command Submarine
Awesome Russian General: Shit!
General Asshat: Whut?
Awesome Russian General: That signal we've been broadcasting for hours at full strength from our hidden location? They've tracked it back to us and our location is no longer hidden.
General Asshat: Shit.
Skynet Robot Plane: HAHA! TORPEDO!
Resistance Command Submarine: BOOM!
Skynet Central's Big White Room With Lots Of Giant Computer Screens
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: Way to go Marcus, you Killed John Connor!
Marcus *evil glare*
Skynet's Prison of Pristine Whitness
John Connor: Kyle Reese? *peers into cell*
Ahnold Terminator: Nope! *door to the face!*
John Connor: Dammit!
Ahnold-Terminator: I will kill you by THROWING YOU AT WALLS!
John Connor: *hits the wall!* DAMMIT!
Skynet Central's Big White Room
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: Behold this video of John Connor's impending demise!
Marcus: RAAAAAGE
Skynet's Prison of Pristine Whiteness
Kyle: WTF?! What's GOING ON!?
Terminator (not Ahnold): *Looms*
Kyle: …nevermind! Don't care anymore!!
John Connor: KYLE!!!!!!! *hits the second wall*
Skynet Central's Big White Room
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: Don't fight me Marcus. Remember what you are! (My bitch).
Marcus: Oh, you did NOT just say that.
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: What are you gunna do? Rip the chip out of…HOLY SHIT DUDE are you RIPPING the chip out of your OWN HEAD?
Marcus: Damn straight. Who's the bitch NOW?! *chairthrow facesmash*
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: *shatters*
Skynet's Pristinely White Prison:
John Connor: KYLE!!!
Kyle: What? I'm right here, dude!
Terminator That Kyle Just Stabbed In The Head: OUT OF CONTROL MACHINEGUN RAMPAGE!!!
Ahnold Terminator: Out of the way! *rips Head-Stabbed Terminator in half*
John Connor: Since my giant bullets aren't working.. RETREAT!!!
To the killer robot factory. Obviously.
In the Killer Robot Factory Our Heroes Just Retreated To
Silent Little Girl: Ooooo, what's this?
John Connor: …very small nukes… I can use these…
Ahnold Terminator: FROM BEHIND!
John Connor: *hits the THIRD wall*
Kyle Reese: Lets retreat some more!
John Connor: Go without me! I gotta nuke stuff!
Kyle Reese: NOOO!!!
Ahnold Terminator: Hi again!
John Connor: *hits the FOURTH wall* DAMMIT!
Ahnold Terminator: *grabs John Connor by the neck…and just waits.. waiting..*
Marcus: Cyborg to the rescue! TERMINATOR TACKLE!
Ahnold Terminator: WTF?! *throws Marcus against a random vat of molten metal.*
Marcus: Ow! My hand-flesh! *rips a metal beam off the wall and proceeds to beat the shit out of the Ahnold-Terminator*
Ahnold Terminator: *returns the shit-beating with a GIANT BRICK* This seems ineffective…
Marcus: Yeah…
Ahnold Terminator: *punches Marcus in the heart*
Marcus: ow! *dies a little bit*
Ahnold Terminator: Now, to business!
Outside Skynet's Killer Robot Factory
Kyle Reese: Someone go save John Connor!!
Kate Connor: Say what?
Everyone: SAVE JOHN CONNOR! CHAAAARGE!!
Inside the Killer Robot Factory:
John Connor: Eat MOLTEN METAL you evil bastard!
Ahnold Terminator: Nope!
John Connor: Eat LIQUID NITROGEN!
Ahnold Terminator: Nope! Wait… can't… move… crap.
John Connor: WOO! Oh shit!
Ahnold Terminator: *faceclaw just before freezing into place*
John Connor: Marcus! Wake-up! *defibrillate / jumpstart!*
Marcus: *twitch*
Ahnold Terminator: *twitch*
John Connor: COME ON!!!!!
Marcus: *GASP!!!* I'm alive!
John Connor: About damn TIME!
Ahnold Terminator: BEAM through your HEART, John Connor! I got tired of waiting for the wall-throwing to kill you!
John Connor: *wheeze. gasp. twitch.*
Marcus: AAAAHHHHH!!!
And then Marcus shows everyone that he is, in fact, the most badass badass in the movie. He tears off half of the metal beam impaling Connor, shoves it THROUGH the Ahnold-Terminator's neck and then POPS ITS HEAD OFF LIKE A BOTTLE CAP!
Marcus: Take that, bitch. *flex*
Blair swoons, despite not even being there.
John Connor: *wheeze. gasp. twitch.*
Marcus: Walk it off, bitch.
John Connor… does exactly that. He gets up and walks it off. Admittedly Marcus is half-carrying him, but still: John Connor. Walks off. A big honking metal beam going INTO his chest. And THROUGH HIS HEART. Yep.
And thus begins the segment of the movie that has me yelling "No! You can't do ANY of those things! Much less ALL of those things! NO!"
C'est la vie.
Outside Skynet!
Kate Connor: WTF?! (whispery scream) JOHN!!!!
Blair, Barnes, Everyone Else: How is he NOT DEAD?
Silent Little Girl: Your nuclear bomb detonator?
John Connor: Thanks, Silent Little Girl!
Pile Of Nukes: BOOOOOM!
Open-sided Helicopter Flying Only A Few Hundred Feet From the MASSIVE NUCLEAR EXPLOSION: Is totally fine along with everyone inside it.
At Some Desert Tent
Kate Connor: He's dying.
Everyone: Because of the beam through the chest?
Kate Connor: His heart.. he…
Everyone: Because of the beam through the chest?
John Connor: Kyle, I want you to have my Badass Resistance Coat.
Kyle: I… I… don't die!!! *tear*
Marcus: You done good kid. And now…
Marcus: Kate, take my heart.
Blair: WTF?!
Kate: WTF?!
Kyle: WTF?!
Silent Little Girl: WTF?!
Marcus: I need to redeem myself!
Silent Little Girl: NO! I loves you! (expressed by holding Marcus's fleshless robot hand and giving him Sad Eyes)
Blair: *swoon and Final Kiss*
Kyle: WTF?!
Kate: Alright, before he changes his mind! Go Go GO!
Marcus: *death*
John Connor: *heart transplant survive.*
That's right. Terminator Salvation ends with Marcus Wright donating his heart to save John Connor's life after he was stabbed in the heart with a giant metal beam that went through his entire body. The transplant was performed in a tent in the desert. And it worked.
Me: WTF?!?!?!
Barnes: Where's my Grenade Launcher!?
Random Dude: Hey, what about Blair?
Barnes: I never liked her anyway. *fires grenade launcher*
Grenade: BOOM!!!
Marcus: *throws himself on top of Blair (Blair: HOT!) to save her from the grenade fireball.*
Blair: That was SO sexy. Even your metal skeleton arm is sexy!
Marcus: I know. Escaping now?
Outside The Not So Hidden Base
Marcus: Minefield? Bad?
Blair: Don't worry, I have a plan! *sets off all the mines*
Marcus: Great plan!
They arrive at the Jeep…and it is exploded by another grenade launcher attack.
Marcus: Now what?
Blair: …my plan ended at the Jeep!
Marcus: I take it back. Your plan sucked! New plan!
ANOTHER rocket attack later… the dust cloud clears..
Soldiers: We totally got you, cyborg asshole!
Figure Wearing Marcus' Badass Coat: Hey guys! It's me! Blair!
Soldiers: Shit.
Marcus: WOO! Motorcycle!!!.... * epic wipeout.* Ah well. Foot it is!
John Connor: MACHINE GUN YOU DOWN! From my helicopter.
Marcus: Ow, dammit. Machinegun to the head hurts!
John Connor: Just in case THAT didn't work….
The Whole Damn Forest: *explodes as John Connor drops Napalm on it. The WHOLE damn forest.*
John Connor: Just in case he survived that, check the river!
Random Soldier: Nope. Don't see anything… wait.. I see something…
Snakebot: FACEMUNCHING LEAP!!
Random Soldier: AIE! My face! *death*
Snakebot's Friends: MOAR FACEMUNCHING!!
John Connor: Shit. Maybe I'm not such a great planner either…
Truly Excessive Number Of Snakebots begin converging on John Connor.
John Connor: Damn, good thing I have enough bullets to destroy you all!
Snakebot #Excessive: Except me!
Marcus: *leaps up and RIPS THE SNAKEBOT IN HALF!* Yeah, that's what I'm for!
John Connor: And now I'm gunna shoot you in the heart!
Marcus: What if I save Kyle Reese? Will you consider not shooting me in the heart? Even though I could probably take your gun away and crush your skull before you could blink considering my newly-discovered Cyborg Superpowers.
John Connor: How you gunna do that?
Marcus: With my Cyborg Superpowers. Duh.
John Connor: Ah, right. Forgot those.
And then John Connor gives Marcus a cell phone (or something) to contact him when he finds Kyle Reese so that John Connor can come take all the credit for saving Kyle. And Marcus SWIMS AWAY in a RIVER! Can I get a cellphone that survives swimming in rivers? Mine does not.
Mob of Soldiers: Where'd the cyborg go?
John Connor: Dunno.
In Blair William's Cell of Shame
John Connor: WTF, Blair?
Blair Williams: I saw a man, not a machine. And I looked REALLY close. And all over.
John Connor: Yeah, I get it.
In The Not So Hidden Base Bunker
John Connor: General Asshat, I can save those prisoners!
General Asshat: NO! Stay the course! The course of mass murder and collateral damage casualties!
John Connor (played by Batman): IF WE STAY THE COURSE WE ARE DEAD! WE ARE ALL DEAD!!!!
General Asshat: F-U Connor! You're OUT of the Resistance.
Connor's Soldiers: Sorry, what? We didn't catch that. Our ears were still ringing from Connor's Batman Rant.
Connor: Good men.
On Resistance 91.4 FM
Connor: Command wants us to make cold, calculated decisions! But we don’'t work that way ! We're HUMAN dammit and we make INSANE decisions with no regard for logic or tactics!
Resistance: HELL YEAH!
Connor: So don't blow up Skynet till tomorrow, kthnxbye.
Resistance: Wait..huh? Whatever. He's JOHN CONNOR and we must obey.
At Skynet
Marcus: I'm here, bitches!
Bitches: Cool. Come on inside.
Marcus: I will! And I'm (sinister voice) coming for you!
Bitches: Noted.
In Skynet's Command Center Which Has A Really Awesome Graphical User Interface That Totally Makes Sense For a Machine Overmind Which Doesn’t Even Have Eyeballs…
Marcus: *goes all Cylon and logs into the computer with his hand.*
Computer: *gives Marcus one MAJOR headache.*
Marcus: OW! *blackout*
In Skynet's Really White Prison
Connor: *releases everyone…except Kyle Reese.*
Connor: Kyle Reese?
Everyone: Nope.
Connor: DAMMIT!!
Skynet Command Room
Marcus: Oh, hey, my face is back! And my hands! And my chest! WOO!! (very mild WOO!, really)
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: Hello Marcus! I KNEW you'd be back, since I've been secretly controlling you this whole time.
Marcus: WTF? You're DEAD!
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: So are you. Good job infiltrating the Resistance and bringing us John Connor.
Marcus: No!!!
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: *replays every significant scene thus far through Marcus' eyes because she's IN HIS HEAD.*
Marcus: NO!!!
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: So, that whole signal thing you haven't heard of at all? It's my Master Plot to destroy the Resistance. They will be Terminated. NOT Skynet. Bitch.
At The Secret Resistance Command Submarine
Awesome Russian General: Shit!
General Asshat: Whut?
Awesome Russian General: That signal we've been broadcasting for hours at full strength from our hidden location? They've tracked it back to us and our location is no longer hidden.
General Asshat: Shit.
Skynet Robot Plane: HAHA! TORPEDO!
Resistance Command Submarine: BOOM!
Skynet Central's Big White Room With Lots Of Giant Computer Screens
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: Way to go Marcus, you Killed John Connor!
Marcus *evil glare*
Skynet's Prison of Pristine Whitness
John Connor: Kyle Reese? *peers into cell*
Ahnold Terminator: Nope! *door to the face!*
John Connor: Dammit!
Ahnold-Terminator: I will kill you by THROWING YOU AT WALLS!
John Connor: *hits the wall!* DAMMIT!
Skynet Central's Big White Room
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: Behold this video of John Connor's impending demise!
Marcus: RAAAAAGE
Skynet's Prison of Pristine Whiteness
Kyle: WTF?! What's GOING ON!?
Terminator (not Ahnold): *Looms*
Kyle: …nevermind! Don't care anymore!!
John Connor: KYLE!!!!!!! *hits the second wall*
Skynet Central's Big White Room
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: Don't fight me Marcus. Remember what you are! (My bitch).
Marcus: Oh, you did NOT just say that.
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: What are you gunna do? Rip the chip out of…HOLY SHIT DUDE are you RIPPING the chip out of your OWN HEAD?
Marcus: Damn straight. Who's the bitch NOW?! *chairthrow facesmash*
Dr. Serena Skynet Carter: *shatters*
Skynet's Pristinely White Prison:
John Connor: KYLE!!!
Kyle: What? I'm right here, dude!
Terminator That Kyle Just Stabbed In The Head: OUT OF CONTROL MACHINEGUN RAMPAGE!!!
Ahnold Terminator: Out of the way! *rips Head-Stabbed Terminator in half*
John Connor: Since my giant bullets aren't working.. RETREAT!!!
To the killer robot factory. Obviously.
In the Killer Robot Factory Our Heroes Just Retreated To
Silent Little Girl: Ooooo, what's this?
John Connor: …very small nukes… I can use these…
Ahnold Terminator: FROM BEHIND!
John Connor: *hits the THIRD wall*
Kyle Reese: Lets retreat some more!
John Connor: Go without me! I gotta nuke stuff!
Kyle Reese: NOOO!!!
Ahnold Terminator: Hi again!
John Connor: *hits the FOURTH wall* DAMMIT!
Ahnold Terminator: *grabs John Connor by the neck…and just waits.. waiting..*
Marcus: Cyborg to the rescue! TERMINATOR TACKLE!
Ahnold Terminator: WTF?! *throws Marcus against a random vat of molten metal.*
Marcus: Ow! My hand-flesh! *rips a metal beam off the wall and proceeds to beat the shit out of the Ahnold-Terminator*
Ahnold Terminator: *returns the shit-beating with a GIANT BRICK* This seems ineffective…
Marcus: Yeah…
Ahnold Terminator: *punches Marcus in the heart*
Marcus: ow! *dies a little bit*
Ahnold Terminator: Now, to business!
Outside Skynet's Killer Robot Factory
Kyle Reese: Someone go save John Connor!!
Kate Connor: Say what?
Everyone: SAVE JOHN CONNOR! CHAAAARGE!!
Inside the Killer Robot Factory:
John Connor: Eat MOLTEN METAL you evil bastard!
Ahnold Terminator: Nope!
John Connor: Eat LIQUID NITROGEN!
Ahnold Terminator: Nope! Wait… can't… move… crap.
John Connor: WOO! Oh shit!
Ahnold Terminator: *faceclaw just before freezing into place*
John Connor: Marcus! Wake-up! *defibrillate / jumpstart!*
Marcus: *twitch*
Ahnold Terminator: *twitch*
John Connor: COME ON!!!!!
Marcus: *GASP!!!* I'm alive!
John Connor: About damn TIME!
Ahnold Terminator: BEAM through your HEART, John Connor! I got tired of waiting for the wall-throwing to kill you!
John Connor: *wheeze. gasp. twitch.*
Marcus: AAAAHHHHH!!!
And then Marcus shows everyone that he is, in fact, the most badass badass in the movie. He tears off half of the metal beam impaling Connor, shoves it THROUGH the Ahnold-Terminator's neck and then POPS ITS HEAD OFF LIKE A BOTTLE CAP!
Marcus: Take that, bitch. *flex*
Blair swoons, despite not even being there.
John Connor: *wheeze. gasp. twitch.*
Marcus: Walk it off, bitch.
John Connor… does exactly that. He gets up and walks it off. Admittedly Marcus is half-carrying him, but still: John Connor. Walks off. A big honking metal beam going INTO his chest. And THROUGH HIS HEART. Yep.
And thus begins the segment of the movie that has me yelling "No! You can't do ANY of those things! Much less ALL of those things! NO!"
C'est la vie.
Outside Skynet!
Kate Connor: WTF?! (whispery scream) JOHN!!!!
Blair, Barnes, Everyone Else: How is he NOT DEAD?
Silent Little Girl: Your nuclear bomb detonator?
John Connor: Thanks, Silent Little Girl!
Pile Of Nukes: BOOOOOM!
Open-sided Helicopter Flying Only A Few Hundred Feet From the MASSIVE NUCLEAR EXPLOSION: Is totally fine along with everyone inside it.
At Some Desert Tent
Kate Connor: He's dying.
Everyone: Because of the beam through the chest?
Kate Connor: His heart.. he…
Everyone: Because of the beam through the chest?
John Connor: Kyle, I want you to have my Badass Resistance Coat.
Kyle: I… I… don't die!!! *tear*
Marcus: You done good kid. And now…
Marcus: Kate, take my heart.
Blair: WTF?!
Kate: WTF?!
Kyle: WTF?!
Silent Little Girl: WTF?!
Marcus: I need to redeem myself!
Silent Little Girl: NO! I loves you! (expressed by holding Marcus's fleshless robot hand and giving him Sad Eyes)
Blair: *swoon and Final Kiss*
Kyle: WTF?!
Kate: Alright, before he changes his mind! Go Go GO!
Marcus: *death*
John Connor: *heart transplant survive.*
That's right. Terminator Salvation ends with Marcus Wright donating his heart to save John Connor's life after he was stabbed in the heart with a giant metal beam that went through his entire body. The transplant was performed in a tent in the desert. And it worked.
Me: WTF?!?!?!