Pretty Baby (2/6)
Merlin opened his eyes, feeling unfamiliarly warm. He rubbed his eyes, feeling lost for a moment in that place between sleeping and waking. He rested his hand down on the bed, suddenly aware that, instead of soft matress under his fingers, was something warm and smooth and moving up and down. He jerked back in shock, suddenly realising he was in fact curled into the crook of someones neck. He moved slowly up the body to peer at his bed mate, not wanting to awaken them. The sight took his breath away. It was as though he had taken Michaelangelo's David and had enchanted him to life, that he may have perfection in his bed. The soft blonde hair stood up in adorable spikes due to his sleep. His rising and falling chest was well muscled and seemed to fit Merlin perfectly as his new pillow. In slumber, his mouth was open and a trickle of drool ran from his lip. Merlin could not believe it was possible for the military hard nut to be so vulnerably cute. For it was, he realised, Arthur who graced his bed. His dream was in fact his reality.
Arthur stirred, stretching out his limbs, causing every muscle in his naked form to flex. Merlin caught his breath. It really should be illegal to be that attractive. Arthur flipped over to face Merlin, leaning his head on one hand, a huge grin plastered to his face. "Hello!" he said wth a cursory wink. Merlin gasped and was about to reply when Arthur was lying on him, face at the level of his abdomen. He looked up and grinned lazily. "Good morning" and he planted three kisses on Merlins concave stomach. Merlin felt conflicted, because God it felt so good. But...
"I, um, I'm sorry," Arthur looked at him puzzled. "I just, um, well." Merlin could feel himself flustering and his face was so hot that he knew he must be beetroot red. "Well, I wouldn't normally do this. I, I don't sleep around or do casual sex, you can get diseases and stuff. Not that I think you have diseases." And damn it if he hadn't chosen now to start channeling Gwen. "Just, don't, I don't know, think stuff and, Hey!"
He was interrupted by Arthur attaching his mouth to his stomach and loudly blowing raspberries on it.
"Urgh, gross! I've got slobber on me. Was that necessary?"
"It shut you up didn't it?"
Merlin tried to sit up, a feat that proved difficult when he had Arthur in his lap, gazing up at him adoringly. He looked away, red faced again. "I just, I don't want you thinking I'm easy, or you know.." He stopped, not quite sure where his panic was coming from. Arthur sat up, tilting his head to one side, scrutinising Merlin, who shifted uncomfortably.
"You know Merlin, you were right. It was a stupid question."
Merlin was confused. "What question?"
"You know, do they let men be midwives. Obviously an irrelevant concern with you, seeing as you're such a girl!"
"Oh, right. Hey!" Arthur sniggered and leapt at Merlin, tackling him to the bed and tickling Merlin until he begged for mercy.
"Well, promise to keep laughing and I'll let you go."
Merlin nodded sheepishly. Arthur smiled at him. "What's gotten into you this morning Merlin? Why are you freaking out?"
Merlin didn't know what to say. He felt pathetic admitting that he was afraid that at any moment, his dream would dissolve. "I just thought, you might have regrets and, you know, might want to leave and.." he stopped himself, having never felt so exposed before. Arthur lent down and kissed his nose.
"Merlin, if you're not careful, I might never let you go," he murmured, bothering Merlin's chin with his nose. Merlin's face split into a dopey grin.
"Really?" Arthur's answering kiss was the sweetest kiss merlin had ever had.
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Merlin was becoming convinced that Gaia gave him all the weird patients on purpose. Harmony Meredyth refused to talk about contractions, insisting they be called rushes. Now she was chanting.
" Hom doo ray liiiiiii!!! Suk om cok sy." Merlin jumped, convinced he had just heard her discuss sucking cock.
"Right, come on Harmony, I need to listen to the baby's heart beat. No, come on move. I really can't do it with you in full lotus position." He ended up lying on the floor, crawling over to try to push his monitor in the one patch of lower abdomen he could reach through the tangle of limbs.
Harmony's husband Cosmo, (he would be called Cosmo, wouldn't he?) was kissing her, whilst saying "You're doing so well babe. Just let the rushes rush through you. You are at one with the world." Merlin felt her abdomen, feeling the rather weak contractions.
"Well she's doing "so well" because her "rushes" are crap" thought Merlin grumpily. "Harmony, your rushes are going off the boil a bit. I think you need a bit of help to get things moving again, or else you'll be here all day."
"Oh that's okay" she said enthusiastically. "We've been on the internet, we know what to do. Cosmo?" To Merlins horror, Cosmo leapt onto the bed with her and proceeded to massage both breasts. "That's it babe, keep going, we'll release that oxytocin."
"Umm, I'll be right back." Merlin left the room like his arse was on fire and headed for the staff room. He needed a moan.
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"And then, they said those dreaded words, "I've been on the internet!" Why do people think they know so much better than us after three years training and all our experience after five minutes on the bloody internet! They are aware that they allow people like George Bush to post advice on the internet are they?"
Gwen sniggered into her coffee. "Well, nipple stimulation does help stimulate contractions, sorry rushes, Merlin!"
"Sometimes, I really hate you!" Gwen cackled with laughter.
"Oh, stop complaining. Here have a doughnut. I brought your favourite in, the ones with raspberry jam instead of strawberry." Merlin took it, a little petulently, pouting. "Remember Merlin, it could always be worse."
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And it did get worse, much worse. As birth approached, Harmony had her next great idea. "Cosmo, my birth is coming. Come massage me." Merlin was very used to shoulder and back massage in labour. What he didn't expect was Cosmo to put his hands between her legs and begin to massage her clitoris and perineum.
"Umm, pardon me, but, um, what the hell are you doing?!" Merlin asked, slightly hysterical.
"We are working on engorging the area, it helps to reduce tearing," explained Cosmo in a low voice, as if what he was doing was perfectly normal. "And also, it helps promote orgasmic birth."
"Excuse me?" Merlin was glad he was blushing and therefore there was theoretically not enough blood to flow to other areas, for while what these people were doing was grossing him out, it was bringing back pleasant memories of last night.
"Well," said Cosmo grinning, as if thrilled to be able to teach his vast knowledge. "If you massage here and here," Merlin realised that Como was actually pointing at the said areas. "Then you increase blood flow to the area, causing engorgement. Then as birth occurrs, the pressure on these areas causes an orgasm, a beautiful, holy experience for mother and child."
"ButIdon'twanttoseeyouorgasm!" Merlin shrieked. For God's sake, some things were personal. And were these people insane!
"Oh Merlin," said Harmony breathily, patting his arm. " I understand. A male midwife must be gay, of course you wouldn't be familiar with these things. Oh look Cossie, he's blushing!" Great, now he'd been labled a prude! And why did everyone assume he was gay? Never mind that he was gay. The assumption annoyed him. Merlin bet he knew more about female anatomy than most men. The difference was, he was only into it in a professional sense.
Merlin sighed, and as Harmony and Cosmo began interspersing kissing with chanting, Merlin wondered if he could deliver a baby with his eyes closed.
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"I hope their kid becomes a nazi!" Merlin declared, as he flung himself on the chair, picking up his third doughnut. Gwen grinned.
"Oh baby, it couldn't be that bad!"
"Yes it could! They actually want to eat their placenta! They offered me a piece to take home so all those who participated in the experience could be spiritually joined! They called their kid Snowbird! These people are insane!"
Gwen giggled. "Never mind that. How did it go with Arthur?"
Merlin sighed. "Well, it was beautiful, then I freaked out this morning and I think I might have scared him off."
"Baby, it couldn't be that bad?"
"Gwen, I would have scared me off." Merlin groaned. "I really like him and I'm screwing it up. He asked about tonight and I told him i was busy with the revue. He just looked at me funny. I think he thinks I'm putting him off"
"Are you? You could have invited him to the revue. It's a laugh seeing the staff take the piss out themselves."
Merlin looked at her with eyes wide and vulnerable. "What if it doesn't work Gwen? Look at him and look at me. It's ridiculous. He's probably having "be kind to morons" week."
"Merlin, give him more credit than that" scolded Gwen, slapping his wrist. "He likes you. Have you any idea how many calls we fielded from him, just because he was trying to arrange to get in to talk with you."
Merlin stood up, deciding life with the crazies was more fun than with Gwen at that moment. "I'll see you there tonight Gwen." Merlin wandered back to the room, thinking there was no way this could last, his life was never that perfect. He just hoped he could get away before he broke his heart in two, because for some reason, he really liked this guy.
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Merlin sat with Gwen, cradling a glass of lambrini, because it meant he could get pissed and not pay through the nose for it. The acts of his colleagues had been good so far, mostly hilarious. Top of his list had been the postnatal girls singing "It's simply the breast".
"I've got a suprise for you later" whispered Gwen.
"Oh yeah," slurred Merlin. "And what would that be?" Gwen shook her head and ran her fingers over her lips in a zipping motion.
"My lips are sealed."
"And now," Gaia's voice boomed over the PA, "We have a special guest, performing a special act, The spy who loved me."
Cheering took over as, the lights dimmed and a medley of James Bond theme tunes began to play. As the lights lit up the stage, Merlin spied a man with his back to the crowd, who suddenly did a triple spin, to the cheers of the crowd, and stopped sharp. He lifted the peak of his cap up at a jaunty angle and Merlin gasped. It was Arthur. In full military uniform.
Arthur threw his cap to Merlin, who of course instead of catching it, let it hit him in the face. Merlin could of sworn he saw Arthur's eyes roll.
The music blasted out as Arthur slowly stroked at the medals he wore, kissing each one with great tenderness. His fellow midwives were screaming approval as the jacket slowly slid off of each shoulder, only to land on his foot and be kicked backwards. Arthur swayed his hips, gyrating as he removed his tie, pulling it taught and using it to whip himself, before tossing it to the crowd. Merlin had his mouth hanging wide open. His brain would not compute what he was seeing. Arthur made no show with his shirt, he just suddenly yanked on either side, ripping all the buttons open and tore it off his body, causing sustantial damage to the shirt. He threw it to the front row with a growl. By this point, the midwives shrieks had become animalistic.
Belt undone and he rubbed his croutch with it before hurling it to the floor with a crash. He then slid off his trousers, while running his hands down his chest towards his navel. Trousers off, he swung them three times and threw them to the people. The people were deafening by now with their shouts of "Off! Off! Off! Off!". Arthur smirked at them, stood clad only in his tight shorts.
Merlin suddenly found himself propelled to the stage by Gwen and he was to inebriated to put up any real protest. As he reached the stage, Arthur caught him and dragged him close, holding him across his body."This Merlin" he said. "Is for your eyes only." He addressed the crowd. "I'm sorry everyone, but I am the spy that loved this man here. And anything you see on this stage right now belongs to him."
"What are you doing?" enquired Merlin, shocked.
"Making an idiot of myself to show my boyfriend that I've never felt this way about anyone else before" said Arthur, pressing a kiss to his ear.
Cheers and awws erupted from the audience as Merlin wrapped his arms around him and attacked him with a fierce kiss.
"I've been a prize idiot." he said.
"I know," smirked Arthur. "Don't know why I put up with you!"
"Shut up and take me home. I think it's time I showed you how I feel about you!"
"Well, I can feel the little wizard poking me in the hip already, so I guess that would be happy?"
Merlin kissed him, caught his hand and dragged his prize ou to the car, ignoring the cat aclls as he went, and swore to himself he would never let this man go again.