fic: a humbled, contrite heart 2
Title: A Humbled, Contrite Heart Pt.2
Author: ArthurMerlin
Pairing: Arthur/Merlin
Rating: 15
Word Count: 1664
Warnings: Religious themes, angst
Summary:
Merlin and Arthur sit on a park bench and contemplate the past and the future.
Arthur carefully pulled Merlin up into a sitting position after a few minutes. Merlin never liked people seeing him upset, he looked away and wiped at his face with the sleeves of his coat, trying to wipe away the evidence of the tears.
“Here,” Arthur said, gently pulling Merlin’s arm away from his face and placing a tissue into Merlin’s hand. Their fingers brushed slightly, and Merlin longed to grasp that hand he’d known so well.
Remembering where he was, and what time it must have been, Merlin tried to pull himself together, bent down and picked up the folder where it had fallen to the ground.
“What are those?” Arthur asked, reaching over to take the folder from Merlin’s hands. Merlin jerked the folder away from Arthur’s grip.
“Merlin,” Arthur warned, still holding his hand out and glaring at Merlin in that way with his eyebrow raised; the glare Merlin had never been able to refuse. So he handed the folder over, and glanced warily as Arthur took the papers out and tried to glimpse the titles in the light from the nearest street-lamp some distance away.
“Priesthood?” Arthur whispered, “Merlin, you want to be a priest?”
“I did,” Merlin said, his voice raspy from the sobbing, “but it doesn’t matter how much I want it, it can’t happen.”
Arthur grabbed Merlin’s hands suddenly and held them in a vice-like grip as he stared straight into Merlin’s eyes; “if this is what you want, and what God is calling you to do, then yes it can happen; and it will.”
The determination in Arthur’s voice; the sheer confidence and the conviction humbled Merlin’s doubt, and for a moment he believed him. He believed that all he needed was Arthur’s support, and he could do anything his heart could dream of.
Merlin’s resolve broke, and the tears began to flow down his face again; “Arthur, I…”
Arthur started to shake his head, “please, Merlin, please don’t…” he whispered.
Merlin tried to stop himself, tried to stop himself saying what he said to Arthur every night in his dreams, but something compelled him to continue; “I love you, Arthur, I will never stop loving you… I’ve tried, I’ve tried so much, but I can’t do it…” he sniffled and pulled one of his hands free from Arthur’s grip to wipe at his face again, “it feels wrong not to love you.”
“Merlin, we’ve been through this. You know God made people male and female; to be married and to be fruitful. It’s His plan, Merlin, it always has been.” Arthur said quietly, breaking eye contact, but not letting go of Merlin’s hand.
“I can’t believe that, Arthur. I didn’t choose to be this way, and neither did you.” Merlin said defiantly.
Arthur did drop Merlin’s hand then, and turned his body away from Merlin, “I’m not like ‘that’, Merlin, not anymore.”
Merlin sighed and said quietly, “then why are you here?”
Arthur turned again, once more facing Merlin, “because I love you!”
The two stared at each other before Arthur broke eye contact and dropped his head into his hands, “I sodding love you, ok? I wish I didn’t…”
“… but you can’t help it.” Merlin finished for him, “I know.”
Arthur let out an exasperated laugh and stared up into the night sky, “I’m not making any sense, am I?”
“None of this makes sense,” Merlin said, shivering slightly in the cold.
Arthur noticed out of the corner of his eye and unzipped his coat. He slipped it off and placed it over Merlin’s shoulders.
“I miss you,” Merlin said, tugging the coat closer to himself.
“3 years it’s been, Merlin. 3 years since I last saw you, and you still miss me?”
“Every day!” Merlin said a little too enthusiastically, and immediately his cheeks reddened from embarrassment.
“Merlin,” Arthur began shifting uncomfortably, “there have been some changes, in my life, since we bro… since that night.” Merlin felt his heart suddenly fill with the sensation of heavy lead, it felt like it was about to fall right through his body; “I’ve been with Guinevere for almost a year now…”
“Guinevere?” Merlin interrupted, “I thought it was Vivian?”
“No, I broke up with Vivian after a couple of months. Don’t you ever check Facebook?”
“Yes, but we aren’t friends on there anymore.”
“But I’ve left my profile open for you to see. I thought you might, you know, check it once in a while, see what’s going on with me?” Arthur asked, sounding unsure of himself.
“No, I didn’t. I didn’t want to look at you. It was too painful.”
Arthur nodded silently, cleared his throat and continued, “I’ve been with Guinevere… with Gwen… for almost a year. Merlin, I’ve asked her to marry me.”
Merlin felt his world shatter around him.
“Mar… marry?” Merlin stuttered.
“It’s the right thing to do. We’ve been together long enough, and she’s a good and faithful woman. She runs the children’s group at Church, she’s very good at it. She’ll be good for me. I intend to start a family with her, and I know she’ll be a wonderful mum,” Arthur said nodding.
“Do you love her?” Merlin asked.
“I do,” Arthur replied without hesitation, which threw Merlin off balance and he didn’t respond.
There was silence for a few minutes.
“What does your father think?” Merlin asked eventually.
“He has cancer.”
Merlin’s eyes widened in shock, “oh, Arthur, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know,” Merlin babbled. He’d never gotten on with Arthur’s father.
“It’s alright,” Arthur waved off Merlin’s ramblings, “he’s had it for a while now, I’m used to it. I want the wedding to be while he’s still, you know, still with us.”
Once again, silence descended like a thick mist. Merlin again noticed the fox crossing the path a hundred yards or so from where they were sitting; his eyes had adjusted enough to the darkness to be able to make out that she had two small male cubs with her. They scurried along behind her, nipping at each other’s feet playfully. Merlin wondered what their lives would be like. One of them might grow up, take a mate, and one day father cubs; and perhaps some years down the line somebody might be sat on this same bench watching those cubs and wondering the same thing. But what of the other one? What if it grew up and paired itself to another male. It would never produce offspring. What would the consequences be? Would it be happy?
What bliss it must be to be a fox.
“Arthur,” Merlin said, turning his head to look at the man next to him. He noticed Arthur too was watching the foxes. “I want you to be part of my life again. I can handle being just friends, I really can. I just… I want to be part of your life, and for you to be part of mine.”
Arthur sat quietly for a few moments, and Merlin started to regret asking, but then Arthur spoke: “I don’t know if I can control myself around you. That night, three years ago, I told you that it would be best for both of us if we never spoke again. Best to completely sever anything we had, right then and there.”
Merlin glanced at the ground as Arthur continued: “There hasn’t been a day since when I haven’t thought about you. I was wrong. I pray every day that I can let you go, but it never happens. You’re like an infection Merlin; you’ve gotten under my skin and now you’re spreading through my entire being, even my soul! It terrifies me Merlin, it really does. And now that I’m engaged… Lord, Merlin, I’m getting married!”
“I understand,” Merlin said, plucking up the courage to pull himself to his feet. He shrugged off Arthur’s coat and let it fall to the bench and was about to walk away when Arthur grabbed his hand.
“Where are you going?” Arthur’s eyes shone in the darkness with the glistening sheen of tears as he looked earnestly at Merlin.
“Home,” Merlin replied simply, and moved to pull his hand away, but Arthur held firm.
“Do you remember four years ago? We discussed going abroad as missionaries. Somewhere where we could be free of our commitments, our families, somewhere where we could be… together. We were looking at places to go, a lot of them were poor places; we would have had to live without electricity, without running water. Do you remember what you said?”
“I don’t care where I am. I don’t care if it’s hot or cold, dry or wet. I don’t care if I live in a tipi or an igloo. All I care about is that I’m there with…” Merlin trailed off, so Arthur continued.
“Me.”
“And what about now?” Merlin snapped. “If I asked you to pack your bags and come with me to Uganda, or Rwanda, or China tomorrow, would you do it?”
“You know I can’t!” Arthur retorted, “I have responsibilities here… my fiancé.”
“Is that what she is? A responsibility?” Merlin fumed.
“Give over, Merlin! You’ve never even met her.”
Merlin couldn’t stand to hear any more talk of Arthur’s fiancé, and he was embarrassed that he’d judged her in his mind, even though he’d never seen her. Arthur was right; he needed to give over. He needed time to think and process. He pulled his hand out of Arthur’s grasp and started to walk briskly away, ignoring Arthur’s shouts for him to come back. He’d completely forgotten the folder, but didn’t go back for it.
As Merlin was coming to the gate that led out of the park and onto the path by the main road, he felt somebody grab his shoulders and yank him backwards. For a moment his mind screamed ‘mugger!’, but the hands turned him around, and Arthur embraced him firmly.
“I can’t lose you again,” he whispered into Merlin’s ear.
Part 3...
A/N: Today is Good Friday, the day when Jesus was crucified. So I dedicate this part in remembrance that every drop of blood that was shed on that grisly day two thousand years ago was shed not only for the billions of straight people around the world, but also for every gay person; every lesbian; every bisexual; every single person without qualification or exception. And I pray that as Church leaders around the world kneel today at the foot of the cross, they might hear the still small voice of God whispering into their consciences; that Jesus suffered an extra lash of the whips, another stumble on the Via Dolorosa, another agony as the nails were hammered into his hands and feet for every time they have condemned a child of God for the way that it pleased Him to make them, and may their hearts be stirred to repentance. And may gay Christians be stirred by the same grace to forgive those Church leaders of their ignorant and negligent offences; that we can look forward to a brighter future of reconciliation and love.
Author: ArthurMerlin
Pairing: Arthur/Merlin
Rating: 15
Word Count: 1664
Warnings: Religious themes, angst
Summary:
Merlin and Arthur sit on a park bench and contemplate the past and the future.
Arthur carefully pulled Merlin up into a sitting position after a few minutes. Merlin never liked people seeing him upset, he looked away and wiped at his face with the sleeves of his coat, trying to wipe away the evidence of the tears.
“Here,” Arthur said, gently pulling Merlin’s arm away from his face and placing a tissue into Merlin’s hand. Their fingers brushed slightly, and Merlin longed to grasp that hand he’d known so well.
Remembering where he was, and what time it must have been, Merlin tried to pull himself together, bent down and picked up the folder where it had fallen to the ground.
“What are those?” Arthur asked, reaching over to take the folder from Merlin’s hands. Merlin jerked the folder away from Arthur’s grip.
“Merlin,” Arthur warned, still holding his hand out and glaring at Merlin in that way with his eyebrow raised; the glare Merlin had never been able to refuse. So he handed the folder over, and glanced warily as Arthur took the papers out and tried to glimpse the titles in the light from the nearest street-lamp some distance away.
“Priesthood?” Arthur whispered, “Merlin, you want to be a priest?”
“I did,” Merlin said, his voice raspy from the sobbing, “but it doesn’t matter how much I want it, it can’t happen.”
Arthur grabbed Merlin’s hands suddenly and held them in a vice-like grip as he stared straight into Merlin’s eyes; “if this is what you want, and what God is calling you to do, then yes it can happen; and it will.”
The determination in Arthur’s voice; the sheer confidence and the conviction humbled Merlin’s doubt, and for a moment he believed him. He believed that all he needed was Arthur’s support, and he could do anything his heart could dream of.
Merlin’s resolve broke, and the tears began to flow down his face again; “Arthur, I…”
Arthur started to shake his head, “please, Merlin, please don’t…” he whispered.
Merlin tried to stop himself, tried to stop himself saying what he said to Arthur every night in his dreams, but something compelled him to continue; “I love you, Arthur, I will never stop loving you… I’ve tried, I’ve tried so much, but I can’t do it…” he sniffled and pulled one of his hands free from Arthur’s grip to wipe at his face again, “it feels wrong not to love you.”
“Merlin, we’ve been through this. You know God made people male and female; to be married and to be fruitful. It’s His plan, Merlin, it always has been.” Arthur said quietly, breaking eye contact, but not letting go of Merlin’s hand.
“I can’t believe that, Arthur. I didn’t choose to be this way, and neither did you.” Merlin said defiantly.
Arthur did drop Merlin’s hand then, and turned his body away from Merlin, “I’m not like ‘that’, Merlin, not anymore.”
Merlin sighed and said quietly, “then why are you here?”
Arthur turned again, once more facing Merlin, “because I love you!”
The two stared at each other before Arthur broke eye contact and dropped his head into his hands, “I sodding love you, ok? I wish I didn’t…”
“… but you can’t help it.” Merlin finished for him, “I know.”
Arthur let out an exasperated laugh and stared up into the night sky, “I’m not making any sense, am I?”
“None of this makes sense,” Merlin said, shivering slightly in the cold.
Arthur noticed out of the corner of his eye and unzipped his coat. He slipped it off and placed it over Merlin’s shoulders.
“I miss you,” Merlin said, tugging the coat closer to himself.
“3 years it’s been, Merlin. 3 years since I last saw you, and you still miss me?”
“Every day!” Merlin said a little too enthusiastically, and immediately his cheeks reddened from embarrassment.
“Merlin,” Arthur began shifting uncomfortably, “there have been some changes, in my life, since we bro… since that night.” Merlin felt his heart suddenly fill with the sensation of heavy lead, it felt like it was about to fall right through his body; “I’ve been with Guinevere for almost a year now…”
“Guinevere?” Merlin interrupted, “I thought it was Vivian?”
“No, I broke up with Vivian after a couple of months. Don’t you ever check Facebook?”
“Yes, but we aren’t friends on there anymore.”
“But I’ve left my profile open for you to see. I thought you might, you know, check it once in a while, see what’s going on with me?” Arthur asked, sounding unsure of himself.
“No, I didn’t. I didn’t want to look at you. It was too painful.”
Arthur nodded silently, cleared his throat and continued, “I’ve been with Guinevere… with Gwen… for almost a year. Merlin, I’ve asked her to marry me.”
Merlin felt his world shatter around him.
“Mar… marry?” Merlin stuttered.
“It’s the right thing to do. We’ve been together long enough, and she’s a good and faithful woman. She runs the children’s group at Church, she’s very good at it. She’ll be good for me. I intend to start a family with her, and I know she’ll be a wonderful mum,” Arthur said nodding.
“Do you love her?” Merlin asked.
“I do,” Arthur replied without hesitation, which threw Merlin off balance and he didn’t respond.
There was silence for a few minutes.
“What does your father think?” Merlin asked eventually.
“He has cancer.”
Merlin’s eyes widened in shock, “oh, Arthur, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know,” Merlin babbled. He’d never gotten on with Arthur’s father.
“It’s alright,” Arthur waved off Merlin’s ramblings, “he’s had it for a while now, I’m used to it. I want the wedding to be while he’s still, you know, still with us.”
Once again, silence descended like a thick mist. Merlin again noticed the fox crossing the path a hundred yards or so from where they were sitting; his eyes had adjusted enough to the darkness to be able to make out that she had two small male cubs with her. They scurried along behind her, nipping at each other’s feet playfully. Merlin wondered what their lives would be like. One of them might grow up, take a mate, and one day father cubs; and perhaps some years down the line somebody might be sat on this same bench watching those cubs and wondering the same thing. But what of the other one? What if it grew up and paired itself to another male. It would never produce offspring. What would the consequences be? Would it be happy?
What bliss it must be to be a fox.
“Arthur,” Merlin said, turning his head to look at the man next to him. He noticed Arthur too was watching the foxes. “I want you to be part of my life again. I can handle being just friends, I really can. I just… I want to be part of your life, and for you to be part of mine.”
Arthur sat quietly for a few moments, and Merlin started to regret asking, but then Arthur spoke: “I don’t know if I can control myself around you. That night, three years ago, I told you that it would be best for both of us if we never spoke again. Best to completely sever anything we had, right then and there.”
Merlin glanced at the ground as Arthur continued: “There hasn’t been a day since when I haven’t thought about you. I was wrong. I pray every day that I can let you go, but it never happens. You’re like an infection Merlin; you’ve gotten under my skin and now you’re spreading through my entire being, even my soul! It terrifies me Merlin, it really does. And now that I’m engaged… Lord, Merlin, I’m getting married!”
“I understand,” Merlin said, plucking up the courage to pull himself to his feet. He shrugged off Arthur’s coat and let it fall to the bench and was about to walk away when Arthur grabbed his hand.
“Where are you going?” Arthur’s eyes shone in the darkness with the glistening sheen of tears as he looked earnestly at Merlin.
“Home,” Merlin replied simply, and moved to pull his hand away, but Arthur held firm.
“Do you remember four years ago? We discussed going abroad as missionaries. Somewhere where we could be free of our commitments, our families, somewhere where we could be… together. We were looking at places to go, a lot of them were poor places; we would have had to live without electricity, without running water. Do you remember what you said?”
“I don’t care where I am. I don’t care if it’s hot or cold, dry or wet. I don’t care if I live in a tipi or an igloo. All I care about is that I’m there with…” Merlin trailed off, so Arthur continued.
“Me.”
“And what about now?” Merlin snapped. “If I asked you to pack your bags and come with me to Uganda, or Rwanda, or China tomorrow, would you do it?”
“You know I can’t!” Arthur retorted, “I have responsibilities here… my fiancé.”
“Is that what she is? A responsibility?” Merlin fumed.
“Give over, Merlin! You’ve never even met her.”
Merlin couldn’t stand to hear any more talk of Arthur’s fiancé, and he was embarrassed that he’d judged her in his mind, even though he’d never seen her. Arthur was right; he needed to give over. He needed time to think and process. He pulled his hand out of Arthur’s grasp and started to walk briskly away, ignoring Arthur’s shouts for him to come back. He’d completely forgotten the folder, but didn’t go back for it.
As Merlin was coming to the gate that led out of the park and onto the path by the main road, he felt somebody grab his shoulders and yank him backwards. For a moment his mind screamed ‘mugger!’, but the hands turned him around, and Arthur embraced him firmly.
“I can’t lose you again,” he whispered into Merlin’s ear.
Part 3...
A/N: Today is Good Friday, the day when Jesus was crucified. So I dedicate this part in remembrance that every drop of blood that was shed on that grisly day two thousand years ago was shed not only for the billions of straight people around the world, but also for every gay person; every lesbian; every bisexual; every single person without qualification or exception. And I pray that as Church leaders around the world kneel today at the foot of the cross, they might hear the still small voice of God whispering into their consciences; that Jesus suffered an extra lash of the whips, another stumble on the Via Dolorosa, another agony as the nails were hammered into his hands and feet for every time they have condemned a child of God for the way that it pleased Him to make them, and may their hearts be stirred to repentance. And may gay Christians be stirred by the same grace to forgive those Church leaders of their ignorant and negligent offences; that we can look forward to a brighter future of reconciliation and love.