This brightened my day....
A little humor to brighten your day. If you're very sensitive, please
delete now...
THE NEW RULES
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them and life went well without them. Besides, I
already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days:
mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this stuff at the supermarket - water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people! Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger jerk you
are. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're
a huge pain in the rear.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been
called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule: What's with all these weird-o looking tattoos anyway? Just
because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you
spiritual. It's right above the crack of your behind, and it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you
were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You are not spiritual. You're
just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darn
exciting. What's next, competitive flatulence? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies, new homes and graduations from AA and
drug rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy
it for you is not gift-giving; it's just a snooty version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web
cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.