(no subject)
Dear Parents,
I wrote an extremely long and wordy message before this one that I've simply saved to my email drafts and you will probably never see. Let me explain through my train of thought these past few weeks:
1. College sucks, school is too hard, I'm an idiot.
2. Psychology class is horrible. Interesting subject matter but really lame teacher and horrible exams.
3. Art is boring and tedious.
4. American Christianity is interesting but I am too lazy to do well.
5. Book of Mormon is always great but I am so far behind in the reading and journal writing.
6. English is okay because I like writing but I don't like having my papers peer-reviewed and I don't like working in groups. The idea of the Research Paper scares the crap out of me.
7. Astronomy is hideous. I never caught up in the reading. And I'm probably going to fail my midterm tonight.
8. I am going to fail all of my classes.
9. If I fail all of my classes, I will not graduate.
10. If I do not graduate, I will disappoint many people.
11. If I do not graduate, I will not become an art therapist.
12. Do I even want to be an art therapist?
13. I don't think I even want to be an art therapist. I'm not very good at art. And my drawing class that I thought I would enjoy is very boring. I don't even know if I want to take the classes in order to become better in art.
14. Okay, so no art therapy. What about just a regular therapist?
15. I think psychology is interesting but the classes I've taken so far make it appear so boring and hardly something I could make a career in.
16. So do I even want to do psychology anymore?
17. I don't know. I've been so set on it, I've barely considered anything else besides English and Graphic Design.
18. English wouldn't work because I would have to write way too much. And this includes peer-reviews. Yuck.
19. Graphic Design probably wouldn't work because I don't even know if I want to do anything with art.
20. Hm, what else do I even enjoy? I gave dance a try again. And piano.
21. Do I even enjoy anything besides sleep and hanging out with people?
22. No, not really.
23. Well I can't sleep and hang out with people for a living, or even college course credit.
24. So what am I going to do?
25. Nothing.
26. I can't do nothing. I will die.
27. I want to live. I want to become a wife and a mother. I want to become passionate about something. I want to become good at something.
28. But what do I do?
29. WHAT DO I DO?!
30. I don't know.
31. What do I do?
32. I don't know.
33. What the crap am I supposed to do with my life?
34. I HAVE NO IDEA.
35. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!
36. I need to know what to do.
I am so confused. I thought maybe I need to take some time off. But what am I going to do with that time off? Nothing. Maybe mope about how boring life is. Then I thought, I need to take a trip. A trip that will help me find out who I want to be. Backpacking across Europe. A road trip across the continental United States. Yeah right. That will never happen. At least not how I would want it. Well, I certainly don't want to continue at school so unmotivated and confused. I don't want to keep attending classes where I enjoy learning but when I get assignments I feel so stupid because I can't fulfill them or meet the requirements. Why should I waste my time, money, and effort doing something that only appears to be tearing me down?
Because I need to.
But not necessarily right now. This realization occurred to me. I don't necessarily have to be in school right this minute. But like I said with that time not in school, I would do nothing else at all.
So what could I do?
I can take some classes this spring term. Not necessarily Psychological Statistics though. I don't even know if I want to be a Psychology major anymore. I can take classes that appear interesting to me. See if I find anything I want to do.
Also, I should probably go see a counselor again because these feelings of hopelessness towards my future are not at all encouraging. So I'm going to set up an appointment soon.
I can do things. I know I can. I know it's possible. Right now it just doesn't appear so. I have to keep reminding myself these things until they actually happen and I can see for myself that I am capable.
I love you.
(P.S. Please don't send me back an email saying how much you think I'm amazing. I honestly don't want to hear that. I know you believe in me and love me. If you continue to tell me I'm amazing when I feel like I haven't done anything, I will feel like I am deceiving you. And then that will not encourage me to tell you the truth about how very much I feel inadequate.)