(no subject)
Well I am torn in thought. One one hand I see him and picture spending the rest of my life with him. On the other I wish I had never met him.
However, nothing beats the feeling of knowing you are the biggest bitch EVER!!!
So Last night I had a great time with Justin, and of course Matt and Torri too. I got to meet Justins mom, who I think may think I'm crazy. But she is an absolute sweetheart. I got to see one of my best friends Kyle, Justin's brother, and my other friend Jeremy. I watched Justin get his ass kicked by his little bro. I laughed. Like, there was not one point of yesterday where I was not smiling or at least feeling really happy. After we left Justin's mom's house the boys drove Torri an dme to my house. Torri and Matt got out and started talked about their "issues" while Justin and I did what we always do, laugh, stare into eachothers eyes, kiss. After we kissed he just wispered "look into my eyes" and my heart sank to my stomach. I thought one of 3 things was coming.
1. He was going to break up with me though I did not see this being the most likely.
2. He was going to say I love you. Which seemed fairly likely seeing how we have been talking about the issue for the past week or so.
3. Just something else.
Sure enough option number 2 came. I have had one other guy say I love you to me and that was Mitchel and I could not say it back and I ended up telling him I loved cookies and he dumped me. Justin had told me time and time again that no matter what the outcome if her said it he would not go anywhere. But although he said that I could not be 100% sure. I believe Love is a term that gets thrown around far to easily and when I say it I want to say it to the one person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, the one person I do love. And I don't know if I love him or not. So I figure if I am not absolutely sure then it is best not to say it. Because I don't want to have it mean nothing, and I don't want to have to say it just because he did, and I really can see myself loving him just not yet. So anyway he says it and I just kind of looked away and did the most horrible thing I could have ever done. I made the situation awkward for myself, not intended to make him feel the same but I think I did. And he just looked at me and was like well you took that better than I thought you would, you could have told me that you loved cookies and I just smiled because I knew he was true to is word and would not go anywhere anytime soon. So a little later m,aybe 15 min he says it again and yet again I was caught in a moment I realy wanted to run away from. I always run from my feelings and anything I can't handle for that matter. And all I could think was do I say it if I do I have betrayed myself if I don't I have hurt him. I didn't say it again. So later just as he's leaving he whisperes into my ear. I love you. And I just looked in his eyes and it was this look I have never seen before. And Right then I wished I had never met him. I looked in his eyes and I saw that he meant what he said but I also saw a potentially broken heart because he knew I was not going to say it and I adore him so much and hurting him is the last thing I would ever want to do. But I did. I mean I want to be able to say it but I can't force myself to love someone. I really do think I will be in love with him it just takes time. And I am so happy to be with him. But I do kind of wish I had never met him just so he could be in this situation with someone else and I would not have to be in it, and when he said it to this girl she would say it back and she could look in his eyes and see nothing but love and happiness, not the look I saw of love and pain. I don't know why he even loves me. There are so many people in the world he could go and be with yet he stays with me. And look what I do. I can't even be a big enough person to get over a stupid fear to say 3 dumb words.
I said I would never dream of hurting him, and I did.
I really feel like the biggest bitch in the world right now.