(no subject)
It was not supossed to be introduced to you like it was. It was supposed to be toned down a notch so it did not apear like a big deal. I don't think I'm fat. I just don't agree with food and nor it to me.
When I was 12 I was basically anorexic. Not intentionally I just hated to eat. I still do. The idea of food, honestly, makes me want to vomit. It does sometimes. When my parents saw how underweight I was they immediately took me to a doctor who gave me pills and shit and they had to force feed me it was aweful. I did not even know what anorexia was really. But I got over that fairly quickly.
When I was 14 I jumped on the "I want to be thin too" bandwagon when it was cool to throw up after eating. Yea I know very stupid wagon to jump on. But I'm here fine as usual. And nothing bad happened because of that ride.
# weeks ago when I was at the cottage with Torri Matt and Justin, I had a weekend full of 3 course meals 3 times a day. This was very different form my the equivelent of 1 meal a day 6 times a day. Basically I eat like a piece of bread of very small amounts of food 6 times a day at least. However, at the cottage I guess it was just more food than I could handle so I felt really over fed and sick to my stromach and I ended up throwing up. After I did I felt so much better. So then when I got back home, a few days later even though I had my normal diet back I felt the same feeling again so I made myself throw up and I felt better. So I continued to do this up until about a week ago well Staurday I think. And I was like ok this is ridiculous you can't keep throwing up forever. Just teach your body to deal with it. Yay for a positive attitude. Only from that moment on when ever I ate more than like the amount of a piece of bread I had throw up. Involuntary. And I have been like that for a week.
So I was talking to my 2 best friends tonight because today I ate a whole cheesecake (I know bad idea) and threw it up. Then much later ate a very healthy dinner of a pita, thought wow I do ;t feel sick at all. Then got back to Matts house where I threw up. Now of course Justin thinks I was just not feeling well and I would never tell him I threw up or that any of the previous written had even occured. Not because I don't want him to know all about me just that I don;t think this ios something he would find as a good girlfriend trait to have lol. But any way back on topic so my friends AKA Torri and Heather run a few ideas past me.
1. I'm pregnant. This I very much doubt. Had the girly once a month thing no other pregnancy symptoms are present. No child for me.
2. It's mono again. Now see this scares me. I had mono when I was 11 and almost died. Realy don't want it again. So we're praying it is not that.
3. A friend sends me...
Bulimia- bulimia is an eating disorder... like anorexia it cxan be dealy and has underlying emoitonal causes.
Warnign signs: self-induced vomiting. an obsession with gaining wait. a fascination with food. guilt over food eaten.
I am not bulimic. I appreciate her caring because I love both of them to death but I think this is coming across as a far bigger deal than I think it deserves credit for. It could be tons of stuff. Like lately in the past 2 weeks whenever I do little active things like climb stairs walk for a while and so on, I find I get really out of breathe start panting and have this coughing effect that causes me to cough up blood.Now yes, I know sounds well not normal. I figure the out of breathe is because of smoking. The pass out feeling because I am hyperglycemic. The blood not so easy to explain. But I came up with this.
I bite my nails, horrible habit don't ever start, now say a pice of my nail gets stuck in the side of my throat, so when I get out of breathe due to smoking I cough for air and it irritates my throat causing it to move and start bretahing then I just cough up blood. I have it all figured out.
On a totally new topic because I think me trying to tell everyone this is nothing no big deal is actually making the situation worse.
I am kind of pisse dof but I have been so pissed off I don't even know what to do. My mom comes home Saturday. She called the other night to ask if the doctor had called about test results I said no. I hung up then hit the wall. Literally almost put my hand through it. I was told she had cancer. As in she no longer has it. Therefore here tests were all done and such. NO body told me she had to go n for more testing my dad I don't think evern knows. Why the fuck can't she just tell me she's dying so I can actually know. So I can try to help. So I can do something other then just sit here like this wondering how much longer I may have a mother bfore I have to speak in fornt of family and friends as she is lowered into the cold dark ground.
Everything else just kind of sucks right now. Other than Justoin and I. We are doing great . I adore him so much. I just hate it when he tells me things like he'd do anything fdor me and stuff. Nobody should feel like they should do anything for something let alone everything. I know that is what I have longed for for as long as I can rememebr but to see this sweet caring guy who I can't picture being away from for more than 24 hours, say that he would do anything for the girl he loved, who doesn't love him back just breaks my heart. So then I am left with the thought process of a few entries ago. About how I feel like a bitc. But it is no longer a bitch so much as just helpless. I see him in pain despite his words telling me he is not. And I can;t do anything. I can't say It I can't make myself feel it. All I can do is wait for the innevitable to happen. Wait for this feeling to take over and live happily ever after. Only you can't tell with anything where it is a happy ending or just an dangling end.