CHAOS | Ride the Hot Southern Breeze | Billy/Casey
Title Ride the Hot Southern Breeze
Author asemic
Pairing: Billy/Casey
Summary: Two months changes everything.
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine.
A/N: That two months later thing? Exploitable as hell.
The entire situation was as complicated as it was simple. They were agents, but they weren’t. Billy imagined them all in a large box with a hammer looming overhead. And so they waited; Schrödinger’s operatives lurched through life one day at a time.
For the first two weeks Billy had an endless stretch of beach and alcohol. Call him crass, but there was something comforting about digging one’s toes into the sand while sipping wine straight from the bottle.
“With a straw,” Casey said. Billy turned his face and took a loud slurp that made Casey shudder.
“It aerates the wine and condenses the flavors on my palate. Here, taste the cherry tones and the oaky finish.” He held the bottle out and was rebuffed. “More for me.”
“Where did you find a straw long enough?”
“And where did you find purple zinc?” Billy gestured to the colored stripe across Casey’s nose.
“It was the highest broad-spectrum protection I could find. My nose requires special attention,” Casey sniffed. He adjusted his sunglasses. “I rather walk around with a stripe than a wine bottle and a straw. Again, where did you find the straw?”
“At the hotel bar. Tourists enjoy their massive fruity drinks.” Billy took another sip and made a satisfied noise. “Delicious. I may go for a swim in a bit.”
“A swim? We are being thrown to the wolves for doing our job. Instead of trying to find a solution you want to swim?”
Billy traced trails in the sand with his free hand. It was a lovely 26° and the water was damn tempting. Of course he wanted to swim. “Look, whatever solution exists for our little problem won’t come about in the next fifteen minutes.”
“If it does, we’re leaving you behind.” Casey grimaced and Billy’s enjoyment began to wane. No, he wouldn’t let this gloomy little man ruin a perfectly delightful day. He stood and pointed the wine Casey’s direction. The straw flopped about comically as if emphasizing whatever point he was going to make.
And what a point it was. He poured the contents on Casey’s bare legs and dashed to the water. Casey shouted threats and pounded the sand behind him. He stuck his hand in the tiger's mouth, but as Casey splashed through the water to tackle him it was well worth the danger.
***
“Are you pouting?”
Billy sucked his lower lip in his mouth and shook his head. “No.” The plane lurched as the landing gear retracted. “I’m just deep in thought.”
“It’s a country. It’s not going anywhere,” Casey said. Billy yanked the window shade down and focused on the seat in front of him. No use in looking at the ocean he could not enjoy. God, how depressing.
“Suriname.” Billy made a face. “We’re leaving the wonders of Panama for Suriname.”
“Suriname,” Rick began as if he were a tour guide, “is noted for its vast biodiversity and tropical rainforests.” He popped his head over the seat and looked excited. “We can take a tour of the Amazon.”
“Sun ourselves on a boat while river dolphins splash along side,” Doris said from the seat next to him. Rick cringed a bit and she continued. “You can fan me with leaves as we drift along.” He made a pained face and disappeared.
“Suck it up, Billy. Be glad we still have contacts willing to help us.” Michael pulled on a pair of headphones and that was that.
Billy closed his eyes and tried to will himself to relax, but to no avail. He shifted in his seat and received a tight grip on his knee. “I understand your need for constant stimulation and pleasure. However, you need to realize that this isn’t a vacation.”
“I know that. I was getting used to the creature comforts and nipping about the ocean.” He patted the hand on his leg. “You’ll miss our various romps on the beach. No? Just the beach then.”
Casey pursed his lips. “That is true. But as I said before, the country will be there for us as it isn’t going anywhere.”
His words clicked into place. “Are you suggesting we’ll return to Panama and its wine straws and open beaches?”
“Yes.” Casey reached for a book and flipped through it in a vain attempt to drop the conversation. “You’re staring.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I felt that there was an underlying implication in your statement,” Billy said. He rested his chin on his hand and leaned across the arm rest. “There was an unspoken ‘you and I’ will return.”
“Only if a mission takes us there. You have a tendency to read into what doesn’t exist.” He held the book close to his face. “Now entertain yourself and leave me alone.”
Though Billy found himself prone to minor flights of fancy and poetry writing, he was as grounded as the rest. It was there and no amount of hiding in plain sight could change that fact. He had a feeling they’d come back to this conversation even if he had to drag one flailing human weapon with him.
***
“A postcard?”
Billy collected his change and slipped the postcard into his pocket. “Yes. I want souvenirs of our days on the lam.” The look he received could level lesser men, but Billy stood firm. “Look at this mess. Let me find some damn optimism.”
“And your search led you to a tourist kiosk?” Casey held up a stuffed piranha between his fingertips. It let out a despondent squeak when dropped back into the pile.
“Not everyone can be as naturally cheerful and buoyant as you.” Billy was one to enjoy life no matter the rough bumps along the way, but their pressing problem strangled him. For the first time in quite a while he felt sour towards his co-workers. Doris’s outright groping of an Adele-sick Martinez, Michael’s constant paranoia about their next moves, and a damn thunderclap of misery in the shape of a tiny man drove him up a wall. “You have a face that’s begging to be punched, did anyone tell you that?”
“I chalk this moment to our pressing situation and will let it pass,” Casey said. He briefly sized Billy up with an air of superiority. Yes, fine. He knew that it’d be one blow and he’d be laid out with animated birds flapping around his head. To make it so obvious was the straw that broke the camel's back.
“You are a dick. Someone needs to say that to your face every damn day to drill it into your miserable skull. This little postcard,” he yanked it out and waved it in Casey’s face, “is an act of free will. It’s me saying to a very unfair world that I’m not giving up.” Casey looked taken aback as a finger was thrust against his chest. “You can mock me. But you cannot mock my silly little coping methods.” He let out a breath and slipped the bent card back into his pocket.
There was a lengthy pause until Casey broke the silence. “I am sorry that I didn’t take into account that your actions are necessary for your sanity.” He placed a hand on Billy’s shoulder. “I can’t offer much to help, but I understand your displeasure. Do you feel better?”
“No.” He was peeved. It was a lesser emotion, yes, but it still caused a clamp in his chest.
“Would a brief embrace make you feel better?” Billy almost spat out a laugh. Casey looked absolutely serious, as if the statement was the difference between life and death. “You are a sentimental type of person who desires physical and emotional comfort. Again, the offer will stand for only a moment before I walk away."
“I will take the brief embrace,” Billy said, not on to pass up this once in a lifetime opportunity. The scene must have been utterly ridiculous to passersby as Casey awkwardly wrapped his arms around Billy. He became aware of the height difference when he felt Casey’s hair tickle his chin. He never imagined the man would be able to comfort anyone. However, he did feel better: his heart slowed and he wasn’t seeing red.
Casey cleared his throat and drew back. He quirked his head in the direction of their crowded rental. “Let’s get going. And I assume this will remain between the two of us.”
Billy didn’t bother to suppress his smile. He patted his pocket and heard the satisfying wrinkle of paper. One hell of a souvenir to bring back home.
***
“Does anyone else find this uncomfortable?”
“I don’t,” Doris piped up.
“Well I do,” Rick whispered harshly. “Watch the hand, your hand.”
There was a yelp and a low chuckle. Rick cursed in a mixture of several languages, all choice words and comparisons. Billy groaned as the boat pitched violently forward then rolled them against the wall. He was fine with one direction of boat movement, but being slammed around in a cabin that could barely hold the lot of them was murder.
Michael fell against Billy when yet another wave jostled them. “This is ridiculous. We need to get out of this cabin before we break ribs.” He pulled himself up and leaned against the door. “I don’t care if it’s dangerous above deck; we are not spending any more time in here.”
A rush of cool air cut flowed into the cabin and Michael stalked to the wheelhouse. Billy reached for his life vest. “Lovely weather we’re having,” he said. “Perfect time for a dash across the South Atlantic.” He stumbled down the hallway, bouncing like a pinball along the way. Rick darted past him, surprisingly agile on his feet as he headed to the mess. Fear was one hell of a motivator.
He threw open one of the doors to the deck and was greeted by a spray of water. Billy grabbed hold of lashing by the door and took a deep breath. The humidity and the closeness of the cabin left his lungs and his stomach steadied. He stopped fighting against the yaw of the boat and rolled with the motions.
“Shuffleboard looks like a wash.”
Billy nodded and leaned against the door jamb. “True. But I heard they have a fantastic on-board show.” Casey took a step and squeezed next to him in the doorway. “It’s one hellish journey after another.”
“It could be worse. The five of us could be enjoying the pleasures associated with a rubber lifeboat and a broken paddle.” Casey braced himself as another wave slammed into the side of the boat. They lurched against one another, their shoes sliding on the floor. “Perhaps it’d be wise for us to not stand out here during the middle of a squall.”
Billy looped his arm around Casey and stumbled inside. The door banged shut. Billy let out a whoop and shook the water from his hair. “What a delightful stroll. We ought to do that again after our dinner with the captain.”
“I never thought I’d meet someone surlier than me.” Casey snorted. Their captain threw them one look, spat on the dock, and jutted a finger in the direction of the cabin. An all around delightful human being.
“True. But I’ve grown to enjoy your company during these past few years.” Billy leaned against the wall and sank to the floor. “There’s hope for him yet.”
Casey allowed himself a smile and sat next to him. “You were very vocal in your desire to punch me. Lest we forget, I am a dick.”
“Ah, yes. You are, but that’s part of your charm. Casey, you should feel honored that there is no one else on this planet who can simultaneously irk and awe me.” This entire moment felt surreal. The two of them on a tiny boat being tossed by the ocean, their lives uprooted and in limbo; it bordered on fucking symbolic.
“Quite honored.” Casey cleared his throat and focused on the peeling wall. Their shoulders bumped. “Our problems have played with my head as well.”
“You seem fine.” Billy didn’t see any change with Casey. He remained as calm and sarcastic as ever since everything went pear shaped.
Casey draped his arms over his knees. “I’m very good at keeping myself disciplined. Our missions are typically short. I have time to recharge and get rid of excess energy. Right now I am trapped.”
Billy waited. He didn’t want to say a word because they were having a rare moment. To even breathe the wrong way would jeopardize any chance of Casey continuing. Something metal clanked on the deck, a rhythmic slam that mixed with the distant conversations of the others. He hoped it would not distract Casey’s current train of thought.
“I haven’t felt this way since…in some time.” Casey sounded uncomfortable. “I am uncertain of my actions and my thoughts. I’m losing my edge.”
“Doubtful. If you want, you and I could spar a bit. Blow off some steam and do something other than this dull waiting game we are enjoying.”
Casey worked his knuckles. “It’s more than that.”
Billy pressed. “How so?”
“I can’t explain it.” Casey’s body language became defensive. If he had quills they’d be flared and primed for release. Casey brought the worst out of Billy sometimes. Right now he held the stick and decided to poke.
“Try. Use your words.”
“I was never good with words. That’s why I hit things,” Casey smirked. “You’re still wearing your life vest.”
Billy unbuckled the straps. “You’re deflecting the conversation.” He threw it down the hall. “Forget about your words, then. Draw a picture, use interpretive dance. You’ve got a lovely voice so sing it out.”
For a moment Casey looked ashamed, his head ducked and eyes shut. Billy never saw him in such a state. He came to learn Casey never demonstrated certain emotions like fear or sadness. Shame was another. He angled his body away from Billy and his breathing deepened.
“Casey,” Billy began carefully. He tentatively placed a hand on Casey’s arm and steadied his voice. “Should I worry about you?”
“Act on your own accord,” Casey started, his jaw set. He moved to stand and Billy dropped his hand. “I appreciate your concern, but it is misplaced and foolish.”
He left Billy alone with uneven footing and a swaying lump in his stomach. It didn’t dislodge even when he spat up a stream of bile on the deck. He blamed the storm and the damp smell of the boat; Billy was an expert at denial.
***
“Thirty-five dollars and a handful of solid gold jewelry.”
Doris looked at her bare fingers and sighed. “I expect to be fully reimbursed in spades, Michael. That heirloom ring belonged to my second husband. I have so many memories attached with that gaudy thing.” She looked off into the distance and let out a wistful sigh. “I’ll never forget his face as I stripped him for all he was worth.”
Michael glanced nodded and pocketed everything. “I’ll write you a check when I can access my accounts. Once we sell the jewelry, we’ll have about five hundred here. Our contacts aren’t talking and we’re in the middle of Madagascar.” He slowly shook his head.
“ODS has to have been in tighter spots than this,” Rick said. Everyone gave him an incredulous look, even Doris. “Right?”
“We always had an outlet or ways out provided to us. To put it bluntly, we’re up shit creek,” Casey stated and crossed his arms. “We’ve been on the run for little over a month. I haven’t had a shave, a haircut or bathed in a location that is not infested by local fauna in some time. I am getting upset.”
Billy scrubbed at his face. He hated that his handsome face was now hidden under a rough layer of beard. Their physical status was dire. “You should have enjoyed your time in Panama instead of glowering.”
“Do not try me right now, Collins.” He wasn’t called Collins in years. He must have hit quite the nerve. “I will not hesitate to act and no one can restrain me.”
Michael pressed a hand against Casey’s chest. “Calm down. Billy, grow up. You can kill one another after we get out of this mess.” He shook his head. “Doris and I are going to pawn this stuff and see where we can go. Rick, watch them for a few hours.”
“We were doing so well,” Billy chided Casey, clicking his tongue. “You were expressing yourself and we were communicating. Why must we always bicker in front of the neighbors?”
“Because you decide to push well beyond the point of no return.” Casey took a step in his direction. “I’m not afraid to push back.”
“I push only because I worry about you and your ever dulling edge. Or is it all misplaced and I should return to not giving a shit about you?”
Casey set his jaw and looked away. That gave Rick enough time to jump between them. “Guys, stop. I am not mopping blood up from our hut.” Rick was adorable when he was stern. Billy wanted to pick him up and throw him through the damn door.
“It’s a dirt floor. It’ll disappear,” Casey dug his heel into the dust and looked uncomfortably serene. “No one would know.”
“I’d know,” Rick said, his finger sweeping between the two of them. “I had to babysit so many cousins growing up which means I can handle juvenile squabbles. Also, you have no idea how pissed I get when my authority is questioned.”
“Give a mouse a cookie,” Billy started. He glanced at Casey and got a smirk. “Though I suppose it would be fun to let Rick have this one moment of glory.”
“Let him bask in the sun and be something other than Doris’s cabana boy.”
Rick’s jaw hit the floor and Billy howled with laughter. “Oh, I am enjoying this! Sit with me, Casey. Let’s have some fun.”
“I know what you are doing. You feel threatened and are ganging up on me just like children. My will is unbendable iron, my spine steel.” Rick grabbed an old newspaper and a handful of pens and tossed them on the table. “Sit there and entertain yourselves.”
Billy grabbed a black felt pen and started doodling mustaches over smiling faces. “We’ll be good, mum.”
Casey hunched over a page as his pen scratched furiously. He wrapped a protective arm around his work and made a stabbing motion whenever Billy tried to sneak a peek. “You should never interfere with an artist at work.”
“Fine. I just hope I’m privy to whatever masterpiece you’re creating.”
“A few more touches,” Casey muttered and slid the page Billy’s way.
“God.” He was greeted with a relatively close drawing of Rick in a woman’s dress while wielding a rolling pin. “This is everything I never knew I wanted and more.”
“What are you two doing over there?” Rick shouted from his corner. “Don’t make me get up.”
Billy dissolved into hysterical giggles while Casey’s body shook with silent laughter. They relaxed against each other. Billy buried his head into Casey’s neck as Casey palmed his knee in an attempt to steady himself. Everything felt right-exactly how it should be.
***
“You have to trust me.”
Casey held his arms up in a defensive position. “Why would I extend trust I don’t have for myself to you?”
“Because you see how well I did myself.” Billy ran a palm along his bare throat and face. “Smooth, supple, and not at all hacked to death.”
“No”
“You are so damn petulant. Even worse, you look terrible.” Casey eyes widened. Billy nodded and danced the straight razor through the air. “You know you want this before Michael and Rick.” He sang the words and batted his eyes.
“Fine. I don’t have to tell you what I’ll do if I feel the slightest pull.” He leaned his head back over the sink and Billy made a face. Yes, he’ll be dead before he hit the floor and all those delightful things. The man was so damn dramatic. “Where’d you get the razor?”
Billy trimmed his beard a bit with scissors. “Oh, I nicked it. Don’t look so surprised, where do you think I got our medicine? Shut your eyes and relax.”
Casey narrowed his eyes then closed them. Billy continued his work and grabbed a hot towel and draped it across Casey’s face. “I assume you stole the rest of the kit as well,” he noted, voice muffled.
“No, I prostituted myself.” He held Casey down when he began to lurch up. “I’m kidding. They don’t have working security cameras here.”
“But they have guns.”
“A minor worry. Now what brings you to my humble shop?” Billy said in his most exaggerated accent. He worked the soap on the brush and pulled the towel off. “Don’t get many Yanks in these parts.”
“I made a terrible decision six and a half years ago.”
Billy rolled his eyes and spread the thin lather across his face. “Well, you’ve gone to some interesting places, brutalized some horrible people. Met me. Not everything is as terrible as it seems.”
Casey smiled warmly and Billy paused momentarily. “There are perks.”
“I’m a perk. You flatter me.” He reached for the straight razor and tilted Casey’s face. “Hold still and don’t speak.”
Billy carefully passed the razor along his throat, fingers resting lightly against his pulse. There was a momentary flutter before it steadied into a heavy rush. He began to reveal the man he knew for so long with every stroke, his skin soft and clean under his fingertips. They shared so many moments; triumphs, tragedies and now this. It belonged to them.
This was Casey at his most vulnerable, not cornered or surrounded, but placing himself in the hands of another. It nearly happened during their aborted conversation on the boat, but Casey wasn’t ready. Billy wondered what would have happened next if Casey had spoke. Instead they were left with the mess in Madagascar. He was forever grateful that Rick put on his big boy shorts because that light moment brought them back to normal. Or something resembling normal since something hung between them. But they cared for one another and always have. That much remained obvious.
He finished and wiped Casey’s face. Billy allowed himself one final touch as his thumb brushed soap off his lower lip. He wasn’t handsome, but he was Casey; his friend, partner, and a man of constant surprise. That’s why Billy was not shocked when Casey parted his mouth and licked his finger. He wanted to shout at him because Casey finally expressed himself in the best way possible.
He leaned forward and kissed him, his hand sliding through unkempt hair. Casey pulled him closer despite the awkward angle. Billy didn’t give a damn because he tasted like soap and cheap coffee and their history. Every damn thing they did built up to this kiss in a run down flop house in the middle of Australasia.
Casey pulled away and Billy followed; his mouth dragged along Casey’s jaw. “I told you I was never good at vocalizing my feelings.”
“How long?” It was all he could get out as his lips worked below Casey’s ear.
“Since Iceland.”
He ran through their missions and…what? “Three years ago?” Billy stood up and threw his arms up in disbelief. “What the hell, man?”
Casey shrugged. “This team has a precise flow. I didn’t want to disrupt it by expressing my growing attraction to you. Our current predicament brought everything to a head.”
“You held that in for three years?” Billy gestured to his body then waved his index fingers beside his face. “You resisted this for three years?”
“Like I said, I blew off steam after missions. I have a vivid imagination and an endless supply of gentlemen friends who share a willingness to indulge in frivolous sex.”
Billy opened his mouth in shock. “You jerked off and fucked men while thinking of me?” He sat down on the edge of the bathtub. “I’m both flattered and insulted.”
“Why insulted?” Casey looked genuinely confused. “You were in my head the entire time talking up a storm.”
“You turned to others and not the source.” Billy frowned. He dropped his voice to a sulk. “I think I would have said yes.” He remembered the familiarity time bred and smiled slowly. “No, I definitely would have said yes.”
“And now?” Casey tried to hide his exasperation and failed.
Billy chucked; only they would bicker during such a fantastic moment. How perfectly them. He cleared the distance and straddled Casey. “This is my answer.”
***
They share a tent in New Guinea.
The walls were nylon thin and the space small, but it worked. If anyone noticed they didn’t say a word. Sometimes Billy thought he caught a knowing glance from Michael, but nothing was brought up.
They made do. Mostly handjobs that led Billy to bite his fist muffle his noises. Casey brought their foreheads together as a hand worked him, breath hot against Billy’s face.
When they hit Greece, beautiful Greece with its hotels and running water and massive beds, they showered and explored. Their hands moved and their mouths followed. Billy likened the experience to an absolute euphoric state where time slowed.
“That was a religious experience,” Billy gasped. “Your tongue and fingers can bring about world peace.”
“So I’ve been told,” Casey said. He gathered the covers around them and let out a contented breath. “I can think clearer.”
“All it took was a shower and a vigorous bout of sexual acrobatics to bring you back to your old self?”
“I can only hope tomorrow Simms will attempt an escape.” He grinned as if planning exactly where he would rain down the blows.
“Ooh, the prospect excites me,” Billy agreed. “I’d like to see you in motion again.”
“Give me a few minutes.” Casey scraped his nails along Billy’s back, hard enough to make him squirm. “I hope you’ll be ready.”
Billy ran a hand along Casey’s outer thigh. “I’ve been ready for some time.” His spoke with sincerity. Casey rolled his eyes, but moved closer. It was a good enough ending. It was a better beginning.
Author asemic
Pairing: Billy/Casey
Summary: Two months changes everything.
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine.
A/N: That two months later thing? Exploitable as hell.
The entire situation was as complicated as it was simple. They were agents, but they weren’t. Billy imagined them all in a large box with a hammer looming overhead. And so they waited; Schrödinger’s operatives lurched through life one day at a time.
For the first two weeks Billy had an endless stretch of beach and alcohol. Call him crass, but there was something comforting about digging one’s toes into the sand while sipping wine straight from the bottle.
“With a straw,” Casey said. Billy turned his face and took a loud slurp that made Casey shudder.
“It aerates the wine and condenses the flavors on my palate. Here, taste the cherry tones and the oaky finish.” He held the bottle out and was rebuffed. “More for me.”
“Where did you find a straw long enough?”
“And where did you find purple zinc?” Billy gestured to the colored stripe across Casey’s nose.
“It was the highest broad-spectrum protection I could find. My nose requires special attention,” Casey sniffed. He adjusted his sunglasses. “I rather walk around with a stripe than a wine bottle and a straw. Again, where did you find the straw?”
“At the hotel bar. Tourists enjoy their massive fruity drinks.” Billy took another sip and made a satisfied noise. “Delicious. I may go for a swim in a bit.”
“A swim? We are being thrown to the wolves for doing our job. Instead of trying to find a solution you want to swim?”
Billy traced trails in the sand with his free hand. It was a lovely 26° and the water was damn tempting. Of course he wanted to swim. “Look, whatever solution exists for our little problem won’t come about in the next fifteen minutes.”
“If it does, we’re leaving you behind.” Casey grimaced and Billy’s enjoyment began to wane. No, he wouldn’t let this gloomy little man ruin a perfectly delightful day. He stood and pointed the wine Casey’s direction. The straw flopped about comically as if emphasizing whatever point he was going to make.
And what a point it was. He poured the contents on Casey’s bare legs and dashed to the water. Casey shouted threats and pounded the sand behind him. He stuck his hand in the tiger's mouth, but as Casey splashed through the water to tackle him it was well worth the danger.
***
“Are you pouting?”
Billy sucked his lower lip in his mouth and shook his head. “No.” The plane lurched as the landing gear retracted. “I’m just deep in thought.”
“It’s a country. It’s not going anywhere,” Casey said. Billy yanked the window shade down and focused on the seat in front of him. No use in looking at the ocean he could not enjoy. God, how depressing.
“Suriname.” Billy made a face. “We’re leaving the wonders of Panama for Suriname.”
“Suriname,” Rick began as if he were a tour guide, “is noted for its vast biodiversity and tropical rainforests.” He popped his head over the seat and looked excited. “We can take a tour of the Amazon.”
“Sun ourselves on a boat while river dolphins splash along side,” Doris said from the seat next to him. Rick cringed a bit and she continued. “You can fan me with leaves as we drift along.” He made a pained face and disappeared.
“Suck it up, Billy. Be glad we still have contacts willing to help us.” Michael pulled on a pair of headphones and that was that.
Billy closed his eyes and tried to will himself to relax, but to no avail. He shifted in his seat and received a tight grip on his knee. “I understand your need for constant stimulation and pleasure. However, you need to realize that this isn’t a vacation.”
“I know that. I was getting used to the creature comforts and nipping about the ocean.” He patted the hand on his leg. “You’ll miss our various romps on the beach. No? Just the beach then.”
Casey pursed his lips. “That is true. But as I said before, the country will be there for us as it isn’t going anywhere.”
His words clicked into place. “Are you suggesting we’ll return to Panama and its wine straws and open beaches?”
“Yes.” Casey reached for a book and flipped through it in a vain attempt to drop the conversation. “You’re staring.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I felt that there was an underlying implication in your statement,” Billy said. He rested his chin on his hand and leaned across the arm rest. “There was an unspoken ‘you and I’ will return.”
“Only if a mission takes us there. You have a tendency to read into what doesn’t exist.” He held the book close to his face. “Now entertain yourself and leave me alone.”
Though Billy found himself prone to minor flights of fancy and poetry writing, he was as grounded as the rest. It was there and no amount of hiding in plain sight could change that fact. He had a feeling they’d come back to this conversation even if he had to drag one flailing human weapon with him.
***
“A postcard?”
Billy collected his change and slipped the postcard into his pocket. “Yes. I want souvenirs of our days on the lam.” The look he received could level lesser men, but Billy stood firm. “Look at this mess. Let me find some damn optimism.”
“And your search led you to a tourist kiosk?” Casey held up a stuffed piranha between his fingertips. It let out a despondent squeak when dropped back into the pile.
“Not everyone can be as naturally cheerful and buoyant as you.” Billy was one to enjoy life no matter the rough bumps along the way, but their pressing problem strangled him. For the first time in quite a while he felt sour towards his co-workers. Doris’s outright groping of an Adele-sick Martinez, Michael’s constant paranoia about their next moves, and a damn thunderclap of misery in the shape of a tiny man drove him up a wall. “You have a face that’s begging to be punched, did anyone tell you that?”
“I chalk this moment to our pressing situation and will let it pass,” Casey said. He briefly sized Billy up with an air of superiority. Yes, fine. He knew that it’d be one blow and he’d be laid out with animated birds flapping around his head. To make it so obvious was the straw that broke the camel's back.
“You are a dick. Someone needs to say that to your face every damn day to drill it into your miserable skull. This little postcard,” he yanked it out and waved it in Casey’s face, “is an act of free will. It’s me saying to a very unfair world that I’m not giving up.” Casey looked taken aback as a finger was thrust against his chest. “You can mock me. But you cannot mock my silly little coping methods.” He let out a breath and slipped the bent card back into his pocket.
There was a lengthy pause until Casey broke the silence. “I am sorry that I didn’t take into account that your actions are necessary for your sanity.” He placed a hand on Billy’s shoulder. “I can’t offer much to help, but I understand your displeasure. Do you feel better?”
“No.” He was peeved. It was a lesser emotion, yes, but it still caused a clamp in his chest.
“Would a brief embrace make you feel better?” Billy almost spat out a laugh. Casey looked absolutely serious, as if the statement was the difference between life and death. “You are a sentimental type of person who desires physical and emotional comfort. Again, the offer will stand for only a moment before I walk away."
“I will take the brief embrace,” Billy said, not on to pass up this once in a lifetime opportunity. The scene must have been utterly ridiculous to passersby as Casey awkwardly wrapped his arms around Billy. He became aware of the height difference when he felt Casey’s hair tickle his chin. He never imagined the man would be able to comfort anyone. However, he did feel better: his heart slowed and he wasn’t seeing red.
Casey cleared his throat and drew back. He quirked his head in the direction of their crowded rental. “Let’s get going. And I assume this will remain between the two of us.”
Billy didn’t bother to suppress his smile. He patted his pocket and heard the satisfying wrinkle of paper. One hell of a souvenir to bring back home.
***
“Does anyone else find this uncomfortable?”
“I don’t,” Doris piped up.
“Well I do,” Rick whispered harshly. “Watch the hand, your hand.”
There was a yelp and a low chuckle. Rick cursed in a mixture of several languages, all choice words and comparisons. Billy groaned as the boat pitched violently forward then rolled them against the wall. He was fine with one direction of boat movement, but being slammed around in a cabin that could barely hold the lot of them was murder.
Michael fell against Billy when yet another wave jostled them. “This is ridiculous. We need to get out of this cabin before we break ribs.” He pulled himself up and leaned against the door. “I don’t care if it’s dangerous above deck; we are not spending any more time in here.”
A rush of cool air cut flowed into the cabin and Michael stalked to the wheelhouse. Billy reached for his life vest. “Lovely weather we’re having,” he said. “Perfect time for a dash across the South Atlantic.” He stumbled down the hallway, bouncing like a pinball along the way. Rick darted past him, surprisingly agile on his feet as he headed to the mess. Fear was one hell of a motivator.
He threw open one of the doors to the deck and was greeted by a spray of water. Billy grabbed hold of lashing by the door and took a deep breath. The humidity and the closeness of the cabin left his lungs and his stomach steadied. He stopped fighting against the yaw of the boat and rolled with the motions.
“Shuffleboard looks like a wash.”
Billy nodded and leaned against the door jamb. “True. But I heard they have a fantastic on-board show.” Casey took a step and squeezed next to him in the doorway. “It’s one hellish journey after another.”
“It could be worse. The five of us could be enjoying the pleasures associated with a rubber lifeboat and a broken paddle.” Casey braced himself as another wave slammed into the side of the boat. They lurched against one another, their shoes sliding on the floor. “Perhaps it’d be wise for us to not stand out here during the middle of a squall.”
Billy looped his arm around Casey and stumbled inside. The door banged shut. Billy let out a whoop and shook the water from his hair. “What a delightful stroll. We ought to do that again after our dinner with the captain.”
“I never thought I’d meet someone surlier than me.” Casey snorted. Their captain threw them one look, spat on the dock, and jutted a finger in the direction of the cabin. An all around delightful human being.
“True. But I’ve grown to enjoy your company during these past few years.” Billy leaned against the wall and sank to the floor. “There’s hope for him yet.”
Casey allowed himself a smile and sat next to him. “You were very vocal in your desire to punch me. Lest we forget, I am a dick.”
“Ah, yes. You are, but that’s part of your charm. Casey, you should feel honored that there is no one else on this planet who can simultaneously irk and awe me.” This entire moment felt surreal. The two of them on a tiny boat being tossed by the ocean, their lives uprooted and in limbo; it bordered on fucking symbolic.
“Quite honored.” Casey cleared his throat and focused on the peeling wall. Their shoulders bumped. “Our problems have played with my head as well.”
“You seem fine.” Billy didn’t see any change with Casey. He remained as calm and sarcastic as ever since everything went pear shaped.
Casey draped his arms over his knees. “I’m very good at keeping myself disciplined. Our missions are typically short. I have time to recharge and get rid of excess energy. Right now I am trapped.”
Billy waited. He didn’t want to say a word because they were having a rare moment. To even breathe the wrong way would jeopardize any chance of Casey continuing. Something metal clanked on the deck, a rhythmic slam that mixed with the distant conversations of the others. He hoped it would not distract Casey’s current train of thought.
“I haven’t felt this way since…in some time.” Casey sounded uncomfortable. “I am uncertain of my actions and my thoughts. I’m losing my edge.”
“Doubtful. If you want, you and I could spar a bit. Blow off some steam and do something other than this dull waiting game we are enjoying.”
Casey worked his knuckles. “It’s more than that.”
Billy pressed. “How so?”
“I can’t explain it.” Casey’s body language became defensive. If he had quills they’d be flared and primed for release. Casey brought the worst out of Billy sometimes. Right now he held the stick and decided to poke.
“Try. Use your words.”
“I was never good with words. That’s why I hit things,” Casey smirked. “You’re still wearing your life vest.”
Billy unbuckled the straps. “You’re deflecting the conversation.” He threw it down the hall. “Forget about your words, then. Draw a picture, use interpretive dance. You’ve got a lovely voice so sing it out.”
For a moment Casey looked ashamed, his head ducked and eyes shut. Billy never saw him in such a state. He came to learn Casey never demonstrated certain emotions like fear or sadness. Shame was another. He angled his body away from Billy and his breathing deepened.
“Casey,” Billy began carefully. He tentatively placed a hand on Casey’s arm and steadied his voice. “Should I worry about you?”
“Act on your own accord,” Casey started, his jaw set. He moved to stand and Billy dropped his hand. “I appreciate your concern, but it is misplaced and foolish.”
He left Billy alone with uneven footing and a swaying lump in his stomach. It didn’t dislodge even when he spat up a stream of bile on the deck. He blamed the storm and the damp smell of the boat; Billy was an expert at denial.
***
“Thirty-five dollars and a handful of solid gold jewelry.”
Doris looked at her bare fingers and sighed. “I expect to be fully reimbursed in spades, Michael. That heirloom ring belonged to my second husband. I have so many memories attached with that gaudy thing.” She looked off into the distance and let out a wistful sigh. “I’ll never forget his face as I stripped him for all he was worth.”
Michael glanced nodded and pocketed everything. “I’ll write you a check when I can access my accounts. Once we sell the jewelry, we’ll have about five hundred here. Our contacts aren’t talking and we’re in the middle of Madagascar.” He slowly shook his head.
“ODS has to have been in tighter spots than this,” Rick said. Everyone gave him an incredulous look, even Doris. “Right?”
“We always had an outlet or ways out provided to us. To put it bluntly, we’re up shit creek,” Casey stated and crossed his arms. “We’ve been on the run for little over a month. I haven’t had a shave, a haircut or bathed in a location that is not infested by local fauna in some time. I am getting upset.”
Billy scrubbed at his face. He hated that his handsome face was now hidden under a rough layer of beard. Their physical status was dire. “You should have enjoyed your time in Panama instead of glowering.”
“Do not try me right now, Collins.” He wasn’t called Collins in years. He must have hit quite the nerve. “I will not hesitate to act and no one can restrain me.”
Michael pressed a hand against Casey’s chest. “Calm down. Billy, grow up. You can kill one another after we get out of this mess.” He shook his head. “Doris and I are going to pawn this stuff and see where we can go. Rick, watch them for a few hours.”
“We were doing so well,” Billy chided Casey, clicking his tongue. “You were expressing yourself and we were communicating. Why must we always bicker in front of the neighbors?”
“Because you decide to push well beyond the point of no return.” Casey took a step in his direction. “I’m not afraid to push back.”
“I push only because I worry about you and your ever dulling edge. Or is it all misplaced and I should return to not giving a shit about you?”
Casey set his jaw and looked away. That gave Rick enough time to jump between them. “Guys, stop. I am not mopping blood up from our hut.” Rick was adorable when he was stern. Billy wanted to pick him up and throw him through the damn door.
“It’s a dirt floor. It’ll disappear,” Casey dug his heel into the dust and looked uncomfortably serene. “No one would know.”
“I’d know,” Rick said, his finger sweeping between the two of them. “I had to babysit so many cousins growing up which means I can handle juvenile squabbles. Also, you have no idea how pissed I get when my authority is questioned.”
“Give a mouse a cookie,” Billy started. He glanced at Casey and got a smirk. “Though I suppose it would be fun to let Rick have this one moment of glory.”
“Let him bask in the sun and be something other than Doris’s cabana boy.”
Rick’s jaw hit the floor and Billy howled with laughter. “Oh, I am enjoying this! Sit with me, Casey. Let’s have some fun.”
“I know what you are doing. You feel threatened and are ganging up on me just like children. My will is unbendable iron, my spine steel.” Rick grabbed an old newspaper and a handful of pens and tossed them on the table. “Sit there and entertain yourselves.”
Billy grabbed a black felt pen and started doodling mustaches over smiling faces. “We’ll be good, mum.”
Casey hunched over a page as his pen scratched furiously. He wrapped a protective arm around his work and made a stabbing motion whenever Billy tried to sneak a peek. “You should never interfere with an artist at work.”
“Fine. I just hope I’m privy to whatever masterpiece you’re creating.”
“A few more touches,” Casey muttered and slid the page Billy’s way.
“God.” He was greeted with a relatively close drawing of Rick in a woman’s dress while wielding a rolling pin. “This is everything I never knew I wanted and more.”
“What are you two doing over there?” Rick shouted from his corner. “Don’t make me get up.”
Billy dissolved into hysterical giggles while Casey’s body shook with silent laughter. They relaxed against each other. Billy buried his head into Casey’s neck as Casey palmed his knee in an attempt to steady himself. Everything felt right-exactly how it should be.
***
“You have to trust me.”
Casey held his arms up in a defensive position. “Why would I extend trust I don’t have for myself to you?”
“Because you see how well I did myself.” Billy ran a palm along his bare throat and face. “Smooth, supple, and not at all hacked to death.”
“No”
“You are so damn petulant. Even worse, you look terrible.” Casey eyes widened. Billy nodded and danced the straight razor through the air. “You know you want this before Michael and Rick.” He sang the words and batted his eyes.
“Fine. I don’t have to tell you what I’ll do if I feel the slightest pull.” He leaned his head back over the sink and Billy made a face. Yes, he’ll be dead before he hit the floor and all those delightful things. The man was so damn dramatic. “Where’d you get the razor?”
Billy trimmed his beard a bit with scissors. “Oh, I nicked it. Don’t look so surprised, where do you think I got our medicine? Shut your eyes and relax.”
Casey narrowed his eyes then closed them. Billy continued his work and grabbed a hot towel and draped it across Casey’s face. “I assume you stole the rest of the kit as well,” he noted, voice muffled.
“No, I prostituted myself.” He held Casey down when he began to lurch up. “I’m kidding. They don’t have working security cameras here.”
“But they have guns.”
“A minor worry. Now what brings you to my humble shop?” Billy said in his most exaggerated accent. He worked the soap on the brush and pulled the towel off. “Don’t get many Yanks in these parts.”
“I made a terrible decision six and a half years ago.”
Billy rolled his eyes and spread the thin lather across his face. “Well, you’ve gone to some interesting places, brutalized some horrible people. Met me. Not everything is as terrible as it seems.”
Casey smiled warmly and Billy paused momentarily. “There are perks.”
“I’m a perk. You flatter me.” He reached for the straight razor and tilted Casey’s face. “Hold still and don’t speak.”
Billy carefully passed the razor along his throat, fingers resting lightly against his pulse. There was a momentary flutter before it steadied into a heavy rush. He began to reveal the man he knew for so long with every stroke, his skin soft and clean under his fingertips. They shared so many moments; triumphs, tragedies and now this. It belonged to them.
This was Casey at his most vulnerable, not cornered or surrounded, but placing himself in the hands of another. It nearly happened during their aborted conversation on the boat, but Casey wasn’t ready. Billy wondered what would have happened next if Casey had spoke. Instead they were left with the mess in Madagascar. He was forever grateful that Rick put on his big boy shorts because that light moment brought them back to normal. Or something resembling normal since something hung between them. But they cared for one another and always have. That much remained obvious.
He finished and wiped Casey’s face. Billy allowed himself one final touch as his thumb brushed soap off his lower lip. He wasn’t handsome, but he was Casey; his friend, partner, and a man of constant surprise. That’s why Billy was not shocked when Casey parted his mouth and licked his finger. He wanted to shout at him because Casey finally expressed himself in the best way possible.
He leaned forward and kissed him, his hand sliding through unkempt hair. Casey pulled him closer despite the awkward angle. Billy didn’t give a damn because he tasted like soap and cheap coffee and their history. Every damn thing they did built up to this kiss in a run down flop house in the middle of Australasia.
Casey pulled away and Billy followed; his mouth dragged along Casey’s jaw. “I told you I was never good at vocalizing my feelings.”
“How long?” It was all he could get out as his lips worked below Casey’s ear.
“Since Iceland.”
He ran through their missions and…what? “Three years ago?” Billy stood up and threw his arms up in disbelief. “What the hell, man?”
Casey shrugged. “This team has a precise flow. I didn’t want to disrupt it by expressing my growing attraction to you. Our current predicament brought everything to a head.”
“You held that in for three years?” Billy gestured to his body then waved his index fingers beside his face. “You resisted this for three years?”
“Like I said, I blew off steam after missions. I have a vivid imagination and an endless supply of gentlemen friends who share a willingness to indulge in frivolous sex.”
Billy opened his mouth in shock. “You jerked off and fucked men while thinking of me?” He sat down on the edge of the bathtub. “I’m both flattered and insulted.”
“Why insulted?” Casey looked genuinely confused. “You were in my head the entire time talking up a storm.”
“You turned to others and not the source.” Billy frowned. He dropped his voice to a sulk. “I think I would have said yes.” He remembered the familiarity time bred and smiled slowly. “No, I definitely would have said yes.”
“And now?” Casey tried to hide his exasperation and failed.
Billy chucked; only they would bicker during such a fantastic moment. How perfectly them. He cleared the distance and straddled Casey. “This is my answer.”
***
They share a tent in New Guinea.
The walls were nylon thin and the space small, but it worked. If anyone noticed they didn’t say a word. Sometimes Billy thought he caught a knowing glance from Michael, but nothing was brought up.
They made do. Mostly handjobs that led Billy to bite his fist muffle his noises. Casey brought their foreheads together as a hand worked him, breath hot against Billy’s face.
When they hit Greece, beautiful Greece with its hotels and running water and massive beds, they showered and explored. Their hands moved and their mouths followed. Billy likened the experience to an absolute euphoric state where time slowed.
“That was a religious experience,” Billy gasped. “Your tongue and fingers can bring about world peace.”
“So I’ve been told,” Casey said. He gathered the covers around them and let out a contented breath. “I can think clearer.”
“All it took was a shower and a vigorous bout of sexual acrobatics to bring you back to your old self?”
“I can only hope tomorrow Simms will attempt an escape.” He grinned as if planning exactly where he would rain down the blows.
“Ooh, the prospect excites me,” Billy agreed. “I’d like to see you in motion again.”
“Give me a few minutes.” Casey scraped his nails along Billy’s back, hard enough to make him squirm. “I hope you’ll be ready.”
Billy ran a hand along Casey’s outer thigh. “I’ve been ready for some time.” His spoke with sincerity. Casey rolled his eyes, but moved closer. It was a good enough ending. It was a better beginning.