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So if you watched the recent "South Park" episode (not the censored one, the one after) you saw a reference to www.restorestephenbaldwin.com . I felt I should take some time to acknowledge this wonderful moment in the world. First question you might ask is who the fuck is STEPHEN Baldwin? For those not pop-culture saavy, he's one of many brothers to Alec Baldwin. He is also the most successful next to Alec Baldwin in that the only other one I remember was some fat ass in a John Carpenter movie about vampire hunters back in the 90s. You probably know the guy if you saw "Usual Suspects" where he played an overly animated dorky tool and the legendary "Bio-dome" where he made the surprisingly appropriate pairing with Pauly Shore as an overly animated dorky tool. Now, I am not saying the man is a talentless washout who happens to have enough charisma to ride out as a "character" actor in as many movies as it took for the general public to realize his range was "himself", but I would defend that statement should anyone choose to make it. In all honesty though, I actually have a soft spot for the lesser Baldwin in question. The guy really was a sincere goof and who can hate anyone sincere?
However, it should not be a surprise that he kind of just disappeared from the media as his stay was really nested in his brother's shadow. In other words, people were curious to see what else the Baldwins had to offer since Alec is quite the comedic and dramatic talent. Our curiosity was satiated and so public interest wained and off we went into the new millennium filing Stephen into 90s nostalgia. Or so it would seem, see, something far more sinister took place, according to the above website, Stephen went Bankrupt!! Apparently it was "highly publicized", although I don't know by who's standards. Certainly not by Baldwin standards, if the coverage around Alec's message to his daughter is any indication. I mean really, who the fuck knew this dude went bankrupt? Exactly: no one. You know why no one knew? Because the news doesn't report on bullshit no one cares about. "Highly publicized" my ass. Anyhow, the rub here is why he went bankrupt. Apparently he became a born-again Christian in 2002 and since then has been quite vocal about his faith (i.e. that knob who shoe-horns bible stories and God references into every casual observation you innocently make about fucking sunsets or news stories). "So", you say wisened by many years of bullshit, "what the hell's the relationship?" Well, apparently it's this "vocal faith" that lost him jobs and lead to his bankruptcy.
Take a second here and absorb the claim: Stephen Baldwin went bankrupt because he's a Christian in hollywood. Here's their quote, "However, because of his convictions it has caused him the loss of many jobs and the most recently, a highly publicized bankruptcy". Baldwin is the victim of secular, pagan oppression in this sinful empire of hollywood. A Constantine with the "christos" on his shield ready to cross the bridge.
We all clear on the stakes here? Okay, now let me tell you something, I've been put out of work a few times based on possibly misled ethical grounds. Once, I walked off a picket line because I didn't agree with union tactics. This put me in a tough financial place and so naturally I went to my local republican candidate and started a campaign to keep me well-paid during my job dry-spell because we both disagreed with union tactics. Oh wait, no I didn't, I sucked it up and got a shitty job to try and get back on my feet because that was the cost of standing by that view. And you know what? There is (almost) always work out there. Just, sometimes, it's cleaning garlic mayo off of forks in a humid corner of hell. It's a tough thing to stand for something, wrong or not, but if you feel strongly then you should. But standing for something means eating the crow that comes with that choice. So right off the bat, fuck Baldwin and his charity drive for that reason alone (more coming). If we just accept the absurdity that he lost jobs because he was a christian, then he should have given up the mainstream acting bids and DONE SOMETHING ELSE. He's a fucking white christian man in America. There are jobs to be had, Mr. Baldwin 2! Go fucking work as a youth pastor or something. Hell, be a line cook, they don't give a shit if you're cannibal, so long as you show up and cook fast. But the fact is, he wants sympathy because the cozy high-paying acting gigs dried up... fuck that, build yourself back up, you goddam wussy.
Perhaps the most audacious statement in this debacle is that Stephen is like Job. For those unfamiliar, Job (from the bible book "Job", pronounced: "Joe-b") was a really godly man and the devil made a bet that he wouldn't be so godly if he didn't have all the blessings (a farm, family etc) that he did. So God let's the devil have free reign on him killing all his cattle, crops, family, house and giving him terrible diseases. In the end Job still thanks God. The comparison here is that Stephen has been ruined like Job and, like Job, all the people of his community will build him back up.
First off, Stephen went bankrupt, he didn't get diseased or have anyone die, he declared bankruptcy. It's not easy but it's not Job despair here. Second, the subtext is that Stephen is being martyred by the devil. So let's just take a minute here and really break down the claim. Am I supposed to believe that Baldwin went bankrupt because American media won't hire an outspoken Christian? What about all three of Jonas Brothers? Or Mel Gibson (note that his popularity peaked with Christianity and fell when he was a drunken anti-semite)? And Chuck Norris is going along just fine, in spite of being a total bigot christian. In fact, it tends to help ailing careers of talentless men. Fuck, just go punch in "christian actors" on google. There are literally dozens of very long lists of outspoken christian celebrities, some extremely successful (Tom Hanks, Aaron Eckhart, fucking Robert Duvall). So I call bullshit there too.
Just to recap, there are two problems here: (1)Stephen is a perfectly able bodied man who could have gotten some other harder jobs if he was going bankrupt, (2) his claim that he is bankrupt because of religious persecution is public-washroom shit-ticket thin at best. But let's bring it all the way back to the beginning. In 2002 he became a christian. When was the last time you saw a movie with old Stevie B in it? I guarantee you it was WELL before 2002. This is because he has no talent. Not because he's religious! Loooong before the religious thing he was losing job offers because he is Stephen Baldwin. No one pays money to stick talent cancer in their film. Face it, Sbaldwin, you were never going to be a successful actor. You should have been happy for the time you got in the limelight, taken that lump of money, and found a more sustainable job. The writing was on the wall, you were a b-actor riding the coat-tails of your brother's fame. Fair enough, but don't come moping around trying to get people to believe that some kind of religious persecution was waged against your otherwise burgeoning career. It's a downright lie and I find it hard to believe you don't know it. I call bullshit, the whole thing is a sleazy, low-ball scam to cash in on your 15 minutes and people's religious naivete. Fucking tool.