Most typical journal entry ever to come from a girl!
So, lately I have been asking myself the same question over and over asgain. I once had an answer, one that I thought fit perfect and I couldn't imagine it being anything else. Now I'm not so sure I know anymore. How do you know when you really and truely Love someone? Some say that it's when that person is the last thing you think about before drifting off to sleep and the first thing you think about when waking up. Others say you know you're in love when you find yourself doing things you swore you would never do in order to keep them happy. Is it when you know you would put yourself before them no matter what the situation? No matter what the oputcome may be? I Just don't know anymore, I wish I could pinpoint a certain incident that made me start questioning it again. But there's many things that made me start thinking about it and that's worse! I feel terrible throwing this all out in the open like this but I feel that I need to discuss it with someone and i feel that if I were to speak them they would come out too harsh. I'm not going to block comments but I am going to request that you don't leave any if you just want to know everything that is going on or if you're just trying to make me feel better. I feel that the way I feel should be known cause people have a right to know why I have been so distant lately but I feel that that's as far as I want to go with it at this moment.
Lately I have also found myself turning to an old addiction in order to make me feel better. It has never worked before so I don't know what makes me think it will this time. It does nothing but make me feel more vulnerable, and used, and hurt, and confused. Lately I feel like I'm just an object that is there when people need me or have nothing better to do or noone else better to hang out wioth. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself I'm really not. I know I should be happy I mean I have a wonderful baby girl that needs me more than anyone. Her life depends on me and it's awful but there are moments when I don't know If I can be there for her anymore. Everyday I think more and more about going back to get evaluated to see if they can put me back on my meds or if they are still holding that incident against me. It happened years ago and I'm in a better state now than I was then. At the same Time I don't know if I want to start takling them again. I mean, yeah I want to be happy again the way I have been for the past 2 years but I don't want to rely on medications to do it. I want to be normal, I want to be healthy. I'm sick of waking up each morning and putting on a mask cause I'm tryiong to hide the way I feel. There's people that should know everything there is to know about me by now and I just can't be honest enough to let them know it all. Why can't I open up and just let peole in? I have shared many things with him but for some reason I still feel like I have so much to hide. If you love someone aren't you not supposed to have any fears, aren't you supposed to feel safe in knowing that they will never judge you? Why don't I feel that way? I feel safe in so many ways but when it comes to explaining who I am there's only one person who I have ever been able to even share half of that with and well, I pushed her away for some right reasons but alot of wrong reasons.
If you haven't figured it out by now I've got a ton on my mind and even by the time I'm done typing this I'm still going to have a ton bottled up inside that I'm afraid to get out. If you have made it this far then you are congradualated and I also appologize! I thought being out on my onw and having my own family was what I always wanted, but I find myself wanting to keep running back to the life I used to have. For some sick reason I miss the friends I used to have even though I was nopthing but a person with a party house to most of them. I miss being asble to do whatever I want. I miss the partying phase I was oin that I never thought would end. 2 years ago when I got rid of all those people that were only using me and cut out most of the alcohol and drugs I thought I was the happiest I ever have been. Leaving my family was hard but again I thought it was one of the best things, i have ever done; one of the best Choices I have ever made. So, why do I miss it all so much? I am a completely different person now than I was then and I would like to say that I have changed for the better but if that's true then why do I feel like there's noone there for me anymore? Aggghhh I can't keep babbling about this anymore it's getting me nowhere and this is about as naked as I want to feel right now.
Lately I have also found myself turning to an old addiction in order to make me feel better. It has never worked before so I don't know what makes me think it will this time. It does nothing but make me feel more vulnerable, and used, and hurt, and confused. Lately I feel like I'm just an object that is there when people need me or have nothing better to do or noone else better to hang out wioth. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself I'm really not. I know I should be happy I mean I have a wonderful baby girl that needs me more than anyone. Her life depends on me and it's awful but there are moments when I don't know If I can be there for her anymore. Everyday I think more and more about going back to get evaluated to see if they can put me back on my meds or if they are still holding that incident against me. It happened years ago and I'm in a better state now than I was then. At the same Time I don't know if I want to start takling them again. I mean, yeah I want to be happy again the way I have been for the past 2 years but I don't want to rely on medications to do it. I want to be normal, I want to be healthy. I'm sick of waking up each morning and putting on a mask cause I'm tryiong to hide the way I feel. There's people that should know everything there is to know about me by now and I just can't be honest enough to let them know it all. Why can't I open up and just let peole in? I have shared many things with him but for some reason I still feel like I have so much to hide. If you love someone aren't you not supposed to have any fears, aren't you supposed to feel safe in knowing that they will never judge you? Why don't I feel that way? I feel safe in so many ways but when it comes to explaining who I am there's only one person who I have ever been able to even share half of that with and well, I pushed her away for some right reasons but alot of wrong reasons.
If you haven't figured it out by now I've got a ton on my mind and even by the time I'm done typing this I'm still going to have a ton bottled up inside that I'm afraid to get out. If you have made it this far then you are congradualated and I also appologize! I thought being out on my onw and having my own family was what I always wanted, but I find myself wanting to keep running back to the life I used to have. For some sick reason I miss the friends I used to have even though I was nopthing but a person with a party house to most of them. I miss being asble to do whatever I want. I miss the partying phase I was oin that I never thought would end. 2 years ago when I got rid of all those people that were only using me and cut out most of the alcohol and drugs I thought I was the happiest I ever have been. Leaving my family was hard but again I thought it was one of the best things, i have ever done; one of the best Choices I have ever made. So, why do I miss it all so much? I am a completely different person now than I was then and I would like to say that I have changed for the better but if that's true then why do I feel like there's noone there for me anymore? Aggghhh I can't keep babbling about this anymore it's getting me nowhere and this is about as naked as I want to feel right now.