Overheard lately in the Ash-Chris Household...
Ash: I know I'm supposed to babble at the baby a lot, but does it count if you're babbling about how you're not sure you can babble enough?
Chris: Nope, she's not interested.
Ash: Of course not. She has a bear.
Chris: That's all she needs.
Ash: I think she needs more than a bear.
Chris: Nope. The bear necessities.
Fyre to Robin: See this? This is Rivendell. It's important that you pay attention because this is where we all want to live someday.
Ash: Yeah, I can't argue with that.
Fyre: I want to know about the lifting capacity of dwarves. How much can they lift compared to their body weight?
Chris: I'd say twice as much as their own body weight. All those rocks.
Ash: I love that people think about this.
[after many comments about how Gollum resembles Robin]
Ash: Ahhh! Don't kill my daughter, Bilbo!
Fyre: Your daughter is less bald. And less prone to eat people.
Ash: She's clearly never gnawed on your fingers the way she does on mine.
Ash: Always with the moths and butterflies, Gandalf.
Fyre: It's his way of sending a text. "Gwaihir in trees on fire plz snd hlp luv Gandalf."
Gandalf: "Totes falling brb"
Gwaihir: "Incoming! Sending bros to collect."
Fyre: Don't be a hero, Thorin!
Ash: Uh, he *is* the hero.
Fyre: Not yet. He's not King Hero the Douchebag yet.
Ash: He was always the King Hero, that's the point.
Fyre: Not on the slo-mo hair blowing in the wind level.
Ash: Why is douche an insult?
Fyre: I...don't know.
Fyre: 'There is a dwarf I would follow.' Yes, the one that ran straight into a warg's mouth, fell over, and swooned. Nothing says great leader like a swooner.
Ash: *stands in front of Chris*
Chris: *wraps arms around Ash's shoulders*
Ash: You take cues well.
Chris: That wasn't a cue, that was a blatant order.
Ash: You take blatant orders well.
Chris: *snorts*
Ash: Would you rather I stood around going 'Oh woe, I wish someone would hug me!'?
Chris: Don't worry, I have a cunning plan.
Ash: Oh? How cunning is it?
Chris: It's rather straightforward, actually.
Ash: I can't believe you ignored that setup.
Chris: It was funnier this way.
Ash: [watching Mock the Week] Does George Osborne really not know how to jump rope?
Chris: Of course not. He went to Eton.
Ash: [while reading to Robin] That's a strawberry, that's a pear, that's a bananananananananananananaBATMAN...I mean, banana...
Ash: You survived the diaper explosion! Have an elephant.
Robin: I can't sleep. This position isn't contorted enough. Why won't my head bend back more than ninety degrees?
Robin: [while trying to stuff a ball half the size of her head into her mouth] Aaaah! Aaaah! Ehhhh! Aaahh!
Ash: Consonants, dear heart. Consonants.
Chris: In her defense, it's difficult to pronounce consonants with balls in your mouth.
Ash: ...
Ash: ...
Ash: ...
Chris: I can't be held responsible for your filthy mind.
Ash: No, in this case, I really think you can.
Ash: Will I ever be able to go in a cave again without thinking I'm in Oblivion?
Chris: I go into cathedrals without thinking I'm in Assassin's Creed, so yes.
Ash: No you don't. That's a complete lie, I've seen you eyeing rafters and plotting a course to the other side.
Chris: ...not lately?
Dad and Ash: *Watch the Hobbit*
Robin: Pay attention to me! I'm a hobbit! I'm small and cute and eat a lot!!
Dad: Okay, let's go back to the smell of the dwarven scum.
Dad: Have you ever heard the term 'muckity-muck'?
Ash: Sure.
Dad: Oh good, I was afraid it'd completely faded into obscurity.
Ash: You realize you've just asked this question of someone who regularly uses the terms 'spiffy' 'nifty' and 'keen', yes?
Ash: Does relevant have an a?
Chris: Yes, it's the same as revenant.
Ash: The sad thing is that actually will help me remember.
Ash: Robin appears to be depressed that she doesn't have telekinetic powers. Get used to it, sweetheart; I've been sad about that for at least thirty years. On the plus side, by attaching the chain link teething rings to one of her balls, I have created 1) a ball that doesn't roll across the room and thus render Robin in a state of mourning for her not yet manifested Jedi powers, 2) a multicolored morningstar, and 3) the best toy ever.
Ash to Robin: Aww, don't worry sweetheart, I promise I don't love the internet more than I love you. I love it just as much as I love you.
Ash: Oh god, I just sang the British version of that song instead of the American one.
Chris: All in all, you're just another Brit in the wall.
Chris: Now where did I leave the *mumble*...
Ash: The what?
Chris: The halloumi.
Ash: Oh. I thought you said the Padmini.
Chris: No. Alas, we do not have a Padmini.
Ash: We really should change that.
[For those unaware, we have a friend named Padmini. She's spiffy and we should see her more often than we do.]
Chris: I'd like to write the most difficult children's alphabet book ever. A for is for antidisestablishmentarianism!
Ash: She's reaching for your tea.
Chris: No Robin, you can't have my tea.
Ash: Pity. She needs more consonants.
Chris: And we don't have any bees. But someday we'll take her to the sea.
Ash: Where she'll say "Gee!" Or we could go to a forest. She might see a jay.
Chris: She already has a Granny Kay.
Ash: If she measures something she'll have an ell. She's met Em-J, so she has an em.
Chris: She *definitely* has a lot of pee! And she's waited in many queues. And she has an arse!
Ash: No no, arr should definitely be something piratical.
Chris: She gets a kick out of you. If we'd had twins we'd have a double-you.
Ash: She's much too young for an ex, but soon she'll be old enough to ask why incessently. And she doesn't get nearly enough zees. ...I kind of love us.
Chris: Someday you might learn to like fennel. Or is that just a Fennel Fantasy?
Ash: Hehee, we're going to Kirkwall [in Orkney]. And yes, I'm going to continue to be amused about this.
Chris: They really should try to capitalize on the DA2 connection. Maximize the geek tourist trade!
Ash: Great idea, except I suspect it'd only work on me. And come to think of it, Kirkwall is one of the last places I'd pick to go as a tourist. Too many blood mages.
Ash: And now, we return to your regularly scheduled baby on her stomach.
Ash: I'm sorry, I had the urge to pull a Jeeves.
Chris: Well who wouldn't, given the chance?
Ash: Is it possible to be genetically predisposed to compulsive research? *considers* And gratuitous vocabulary usage?
Mom: The song's a little different when the person singing it is green.
Isobel: Hush little baby, don't say a word, Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
Chris: No I won't!
Isobel: If that mockingbird don't sing--
Chris: We'll sue the pet shop that sold the thing.
Isobel: If that diamond ring turns brass--
Chris: We're gonna sue some jeweler's ass.
Ash: I'm sensing a theme here.
Ash: *makes a sound*
Chris: *questioning noise*
Ash: Just being relieved because I've remembered that I already remembered the thing I need to remember.
Chris: *disbelief*
Ash: ...it made sense in my head.
Chris: George Takei is to Facebook as Stephen Fry is to Twitter. Discuss.