Fic: Closer
Part 4
Kazuya was working when he noticed that it was really quiet next door. The regular baby sitter miraculously developed a sense of responsibility and managed not to be late for a whole week. He hadn't seen Aya since Halloween. Reminded of the event, Kazuya shook his head to stop his train of thought.
He returned his attention to his laptop screen. He wasn't accomplishing much save for a few paragraphs that read like something he wrote when he was 12 and extremely confused. Confused. The word got stuck in his head and a knot formed in his guts. He breathed deeply several times, willing for the knot to disappear, willing for his mind not go any where but his work.
He stood up, intending to make coffee but somehow found himself detouring and pressing his ear on the wall. He heard Jin's voice soothing and the little girl whimpering. The next thing he knew, he was out of his apartment and was in the next.
He didn't bother to knock and immediately opened the door. "What's wrong?" he asked when he found Jin carrying and swaying the child.
Aya lifted her head from her father's shoulder and twisted around. "Uncle Kazuya," she whimpered and reached both arms out. Kazuya strode forward and the girl flung herself at him as soon as he was near enough.
“She was already feeling a little off when I picked her up from school," Jin said, allowing his neighbor to take the child. "It's just fever." Jin sounded matter-of-fact though his face was a mask of concern.
“I missed you," Aya murmured, face buried on the crook of Kazuya's neck.
Kazuya caressed her back. “Missed you, too," Kazuya murmured and meant every word because he had really fallen in love with the girl. He turned and found Jin looking harried but dark brown eyes mellow and staring at him.
Kazuya quickly turned his back on Jin, afraid to look into those eyes. "Don't you have work?" he asked, quite abruptly.
“I do but I couldn't possibly leave her with just the baby sitter."
“Well, I have her now," Kazuya said with his back still turned towards Jin. "You can go to work."
Jin was quiet for a while, considering. "You sure?"
“Yeah. Go. She'll be fine." Kazuya wanted the man to be as far away from him as possible.
When he felt Jin step up right behind him, felt the man's shirt against his shirt, Kazuya tensed. When Jin kissed the top of Aya's head - face slightly brushing against his head - Kazuya held his breath. Kazuya's gut clenched when he felt Jin's head slightly turn, heard Jin whisper “thank you" and felt the man's warm breath caressed his ear.
♥
"What's bugging you?” Tatsuya asked, filling a tray with three shot glasses and a bottle of tequila.
"Aya's sick,” Jin replied,
Tatsuya leaned on the bar and placed a hand on his waist. "She's sick and you left her with just the baby sitter?" he reprimanded.
“No, she's with Kazuya.”
Tatsuya cocked his head. "The pretty neighbor?”
“Yeah, Kazuya," Jin replied as he distractedly wiped with a dishtowel the glasses lined up on the bar before him.
Tatsuya nodded. "So, how's it going with him?”
“Who?"
“You're pretty neighbor.”
“Kazuya?" Jin asked.
Tatsuya blurted a laugh so loud, a guy sitting by the bar started. "You got it bad, Akanishi," he said just as loud as his laughter.
Jin smiled at the startled guy and offered him a bottle of beer. "It's on him," Jin said to the guy while directing a thumb towards Tatsuya. Tatsuya winked at the dark-haired guy who blushed then scowled. Jin turned towards his friend and frowned. "What the hell are you talking about?”
Tatsuya's smile was taunting. "You just mentioned his name three times in less than 15 seconds," he said to Jin.
“Who? Kazu..." Jin abruptly stopped when his friend leered. "Fuck you, Ueda.”
“Anytime, Akanishi," Tatsuya said, smiling. He turned and blew an air kiss at the dark-haired guy who scowled harder and blushed deeper.
♥
As soon as he got home, he kicked off his shoes then he paused by the doorway, trying to hear his next-door neighbors. It was quiet. He proceeded to the kitchen to wash his hands. As he did he recalled the night Aya was sick. He drank a glass of water to drown the lump in his throat. He filled his glass once again and drank another glassful to stop the fluttering in his guts.
He walked to his desk and sat down on his chair. He turned on the computer then removed his ring and wristwatch. For a couple of minutes he just stared at the blank document on the screen, his fingers, poised on the keyboards, unmoving. He sighed, leaned back on his chair and closed his eyes. Jin's face appeared in his mind and he smiled. That's when it hit him. His eyes snapped open. “Oh fuck,” he muttered. “Jesus god, no way!”
He froze when he heard the knock on the door. He didn't want to move. He knew who was knocking. He nervously tapped his fingers on the desk as he listened to the growing loud knocking on his door.
“Uncle Kazuya, open up!”
Kazuya inhaled deeply and exhaled just as deep then forced himself to stand up. When he opened the door, he fixed his gaze on the little girl, who surprisingly was wearing a simple striped shirt and denim pants. “You look like a boy,” Kazuya commented, trying to sound friendly but his voice came out flat.
“Thanks,” the little girl said and marched right in.
Kazuya paused by the doorway. His stomach rolled queasy. It took quite an effort for him to raise his head. And when he did, he found the man a couple of feet away, with hands inside his pockets and looking uneasy, and dark eyes staring at him the same way Kazuya last saw the man. Kazuya's stomach rolled once more and his heart burned. He slammed the door shut then he closed his eyes tight as he silently repeated the word “no” to the disquiet in his heart.
♥
Junno and Koki sat down with silly grins on their faces. Junno spread open a magazine on the bar counter. Koki pointed at a magazine article. Tatsuya and Jin both looked down. The two read the whole article in silence, completely ignoring the demands around them for various drinks.
"The band is aptly called Mabushi because, indeed, they dazzled the audience with their sparkling performance,” Tatsuya said, reading out the last line of the magazine article. He turned away and when he turned back, he placed two beer bottles in front of Junno and Koki.
“We ought to ask for a raise, Jin, ” Junno said.
“We have to get a manager, Jin,” Koki said.
But Jin didn't hear them. Even the sound of the loud music blaring all around had receded for him as he re-read a part of the article.
Lead singer, Akanishi Jin was more than good. The man's voice was soulful and his moves sensuous. His voice seemed to come from the core of his being and his body moved as naturally as blood flowed in his veins. Akanishi wasn't merely performing on stage. He was expressing himself, compelling the audience to listen and watch, enraptured.
Akanishi is no idol and thank god. Because the entertainment business sorely needs artists like him.
"I'm so gonna kiss K2 whoever she may be, ” Junno exclaimed, referring to the byline of the magazine article.
“Maybe he's a he,” Koki interjected. “But I'll kiss him anyway.”
Tatsuya smiled knowingly as he eyed Jin.
Jin was silent. His heart was filled to the brim and thoughts of kissing a writer swirled in his head. He only belatedly realized he was smiling when a girl standing on the dance floor raised a drink then winked at him.
♥
Kazuya read the words he had just written. He pressed the keys “control” and “A” then pressed “del.” Everything he had written for the last hour vanished and he had no regrets because it was nothing but two pages of mostly sappy thoughts on romantic date venues in the city.
He slammed the laptop shut and pulled open a drawer. He took his cigarette pack and took a stick. As he lit it, he was drawn to the latest creation of Aya pinned on his cork board. It was a drawing of a little girl and two men. Under each figure, Jin had written “pumpkin”, “Dracula” and “clueless neighbor victim”.
"Clueless neighbor victim," Kazuya read and thought how apt. It was bad enough he fell for the girl. Then he went ahead and fell for the father, too. He cringed as he thought of the review he made of Jin's band's performance. He could only wish Jin would not get hold of a copy of the magazine because Kazuya knew he sounded like a lovesick fangirl.
Kazuya cursed at himself again. He stretched up his arms and bent his neck sideways. The clicking sound of his joints somehow relieved him of the physical stress but was useless in dispelling his emotional turmoil.
Carrying the mug of his already warm coffee, he left his desk and walked towards the balcony. It was late and he knew Jin would still be working in the club. He was glad he would be alone, wanting to sort out his thoughts. Yet, a part of him - the infatuated silly part of him - hoped to be disturbed by the presence of his next-door neighbor.
He placed the cigarette between his lips but his mouth fell open and the lit stick fell. In the dark, he can very well make out the silhouette on the balcony of two people making out. One was unmistakably a woman, the other was unmistakably a familiar man.
♥
"Hey.”
Kazuya jerked, spilling coffee on his hand. He cursed as he put down the mug.
"Sorry,” Jin said. He pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to Kazuya. “Here.” Kazuya frowned then wiped his hand on his jeans. Jin tried not to look hurt as he stuffed his ignored handkerchief back in his pocket. “Thanks for the review,” Jin said. “I would have thanked you earlier but I haven't seen you in a while.” Kazuya remained silent.
Sensing that the writer was in one of his dour moods, Jin fell quiet. It had been a while since they shared a quiet moment that way. Kazuya had been scarce lately and Jin didn't like hanging out on the balcony alone. Although the last time he was out there, he wasn't alone.
Jin frowned as he recalled that night. He had long ceased taking home girls and he didn't know what compelled him to do that that night. He and the girl ended up making out on the balcony. And although that was as far as it went, it had been fun, Jin thought.
He turned to look at his neighbor. Kazuya remained silent, looking down on the street while one hand fiddled with the hem of his pants. Kazuya wasn't being much fun, Jin thought but he smiled because he preferred the company nonetheless. He preferred him. Jin lost his smile but before he could dwell any further on his thought, his attention was diverted to the voice of a man coming from inside Kazuya's apartment.
“Hey, I gotta go.”
Jin leaned out to see. It was the dork. Kazuya twisted around. Jin saw Kazuya's lips turn up in a smile at the other man. Mine, he thought and a dead weight settled in his guts.
♥
"What's wrong Akanishi?”
"Nothing,” Jin dryly replied, wiping dry the shot glasses in front of him.
"Is Aya sick again?”
"No, she's fine.”
Tatsuya studied his friend then a smiled crept up his face. “Is she with the pretty neighbor?”
"No because Pretty Neighbor is busy being stupid,” spat out. Tatsuya curved an eyebrow as he watch Jin place shot glasses on a tray none too gently. Jin stopped and looked at his friend. “I thought gay men are smart.
"We are.”
"Or are they just masochists?”
Tatsuya shrugged. “I'm an s.”
"So why do you insist,” Jin went on seemingly not hearing his friend, “on breaking your hearts with...” Jin clicked his tongue, exasperated. Tatsuya waited. “With dorks who are about to get married!”
Tatsuya smiled. “I don't know because I personally prefer to break my heart with single fathers.” Jin scowled at him. Tatsuya smiled wider then went mixing cocktails on two wide-brimmed glasses. “It's really none of your business, Jin. If your pretty neighbor chooses to get mangled by a soon-to-be-married dork, that's his problem.”
A knot formed in Jin's stomach. He slammed the dish towel on the bar. “Kazuya's nice and smart and decent and he deserves better!” Jin's voice was so loud, a couple of girls seated by the bar were stunned.
Tatsuya smiled at the couple. “Drinks are on him,” he said, placing a coupled of margaritas in front of the two. Tatsuya then turned towards the still upset Jin. “Better? Like who?”
Me, was Jin's instant thought. And he felt the dead weight in his guts again.
Tatsuya watched Jin's face then he folded his arms around his chest. “Then what the hell's holding you back, Akanishi?” he asked. Jin remained quiet, looking uncertain.“Are you into it just for the novelty of getting it on with another guy?”
Jin frowned at Tatsuya. “Jesus, Tat-chan! If that was all I would have indulged in you a long time ago.”
Tatsuya was quiet for a moment then he blurted into his usual loud laugh. Jin smiled. “You're in deep shit, Akanishi!” he said so loud, everyone seated by the bar turned to look at him. Ignoring all the eyes on him and the club's rule against employers drinking, he filled two glasses with scotch. He took one and gave the other to Jin. “Here's to poetic justice,” he said and raised his glass.
Jin raised his. “Fuck you, Ueda.”
"Anytime, Akanishi.” And they both emptied their glasses.
♥
"You used to knock, you know?” Kazuya said when he heard his door open. Without looking up, he knew it was Jin who just came in.
"You used to lock your door,” came the flippant reply. “I really like you.”
Kazuya's hand froze on the keyboard while his heart started to rapidly. “Where's Aya?” he asked, still refusing to turn around.
"Sleeping,” Jin answered, dismissively. “Did you hear me? I just said I like you.”
With his back still on Jin, Kazuya closed his eyes and tried to even his breathing which had gone erratic. Finally, he swiveled on his chair to face Jin and his heart thumped more wildly.
The other man stood in the room, hands inside his pockets, shoulders hunched. “I know you like me,” Jin said but his voice sounded unsure.
"It doesn't work that way,” he said. He turned back to his desk, pulled a drawer and groped inside.
"What do you mean it doesn't work that way?”
"Gay guy. Straight guy. Doesn't work,” Kazuya replied. He softly cursed when he finally got hold of a cigarette pack and found it was empty.
"Why not?”
Kazuya pulled open another drawer. “Been there, done that. It just doesn't work,” Kazuya said, matter-of-fact though he feared his heart will fall out his chest.
"So what the hell am I gonna do?”
Kazuya turned to look at Jin whose face was a mask of confusion. He felt sorry for him but not as much as he felt sorry for himself. “Don't do this to me, Jin. Give me a break, 'kay?” He gave up finding a cigarette and slammed the drawer close. He stood up then walked towards the sink, filled a glass with water from the tap and drank it.
"Give me a break,” Jin wearily retorted.
Glass emptied, Kazuya banged the glass on the sink. He turned to look at Jin and cocked his head.
Jin took a step forward. “I'm going nuts here because I just can't fucking figure out why I'm wanting you like crazy.”
Both men stared at each other through the silence that hung thick in the air. Then Kazuya exhaled a grunt then sneered. “If that's all it is, you could have just said so.” Jin frowned. “You wanna fuck?”
"What?” Jin asked, surprised at Kazuya's words.
"I mean, if you just wanna try it...” Kazuya started unbuttoning his shirt.
"What the hell are you talking about?” Jin asked, looking more confused. “What are you doing?”
"I haven't had sex for god-knows how long anyway.” Kazuya popped the last button off the hole and drew his shirt open.
"Will you stop it!” Jin said, his breathing got heavier from both being upset at what Kazuya was implying and the sight of the younger man getting undressed in front of him.
Kazuya looked down on his chest and chuckled humorless. “I don't have girl boobs but my ass makes up for it.”
Jin stormed towards Kazuya and took the younger man's hand that started unbuckling his belt. “That's not what I mean,” he hissed through his teeth.
Kazuya tried to jerk his hands away from Jin's vise-like grip. “Then what the fuck do you mean?” he yelled.
"I don't know!” Jin yelled back. He looked straight at Kazuya as if he could find his meaning in the other man's brown eyes. “I don't know what I mean,” he added, his voice growing soft just as his hold on Kazuya's hands loosened. He lowered his gaze and it fell on Kazuya's lips. “All I know is that right now I want to kiss you so badly.”
Kazuya's heart lurched as Jin lowered his face. He felt Jin's breath on his lips and he closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable that he wanted as much as he dreaded.
"Daddy?”
Jin leaped a couple of feet away and Kazuya immediately turned and buttoned his shirt, silently cursing himself.
"I thought you were asleep,” Jin said, walking towards his daughter. “I'm thirsty,” the little girl said. Jin scooped up the little girl and headed for the door. “Goodnight, Uncle Kazuya,” Aya said.
"Goodnight,” Kazuya said without turning around. Then he heard the door shut.
♥
Kazuya crouched low on the balcony. It was three hours past midnight but he couldn't sleep. He knew his neighbor had gotten home from working in the club. He heard him come in earlier. He was two-minds on whether or not he wanted Jin to find him.
It didn't take long before he heard the next balcony door slide open. Kazuya waited but Jin remained quiet. Confident that the darkness shrouded him, Kazuya chanced a glance at his neighbor. He could tell by the way Jin's jaw looked taut in silhouette that the man was bothered. A knot formed in Kazuya's stomach but he steeled himself. He averted his eyes and remained quiet.
Jin knew Kazuya wasn't looking at him because the younger man seemed to find him a revolting sight lately. He turned his face slightly. A wisp of light from the sky afforded him a glimpse of the younger man's hands - one holding a forgotten cigarette, ashed end almost an inch long while another hand fiddled with the tattered hem of his denim jeans. Gestures of a bothered Kazuya, Jin knew.
Both men stared beyond the railings and watched the shadows of trees below, each one waited for the other to break the silence. But neither did and the silence stretched long.
Kazuya looked down and saw his cigarette unconsumed but burned to the filter, ashes long blown away by the wind. He flicked away the filter and his eyes tried to follow where it went but soon lost sight of it. He finally stood up.
"Can I have a cigarette?” Jin said, finally breaking the silence.
Kazuya wordlessly handed Jin his cigarette and lighter. Jin reached out and folded his hand around Kazuya's. “Do you realize,” he said, “that from here and from there, our hands meet at exactly an arm's length away?” Kazuya stared at their joined hands for a moment. He looked up and locked eyes with Jin who added, “But only if we both reach out at the same time.”
♥ Part 5
Kazuya was working when he noticed that it was really quiet next door. The regular baby sitter miraculously developed a sense of responsibility and managed not to be late for a whole week. He hadn't seen Aya since Halloween. Reminded of the event, Kazuya shook his head to stop his train of thought.
He returned his attention to his laptop screen. He wasn't accomplishing much save for a few paragraphs that read like something he wrote when he was 12 and extremely confused. Confused. The word got stuck in his head and a knot formed in his guts. He breathed deeply several times, willing for the knot to disappear, willing for his mind not go any where but his work.
He stood up, intending to make coffee but somehow found himself detouring and pressing his ear on the wall. He heard Jin's voice soothing and the little girl whimpering. The next thing he knew, he was out of his apartment and was in the next.
He didn't bother to knock and immediately opened the door. "What's wrong?" he asked when he found Jin carrying and swaying the child.
Aya lifted her head from her father's shoulder and twisted around. "Uncle Kazuya," she whimpered and reached both arms out. Kazuya strode forward and the girl flung herself at him as soon as he was near enough.
“She was already feeling a little off when I picked her up from school," Jin said, allowing his neighbor to take the child. "It's just fever." Jin sounded matter-of-fact though his face was a mask of concern.
“I missed you," Aya murmured, face buried on the crook of Kazuya's neck.
Kazuya caressed her back. “Missed you, too," Kazuya murmured and meant every word because he had really fallen in love with the girl. He turned and found Jin looking harried but dark brown eyes mellow and staring at him.
Kazuya quickly turned his back on Jin, afraid to look into those eyes. "Don't you have work?" he asked, quite abruptly.
“I do but I couldn't possibly leave her with just the baby sitter."
“Well, I have her now," Kazuya said with his back still turned towards Jin. "You can go to work."
Jin was quiet for a while, considering. "You sure?"
“Yeah. Go. She'll be fine." Kazuya wanted the man to be as far away from him as possible.
When he felt Jin step up right behind him, felt the man's shirt against his shirt, Kazuya tensed. When Jin kissed the top of Aya's head - face slightly brushing against his head - Kazuya held his breath. Kazuya's gut clenched when he felt Jin's head slightly turn, heard Jin whisper “thank you" and felt the man's warm breath caressed his ear.
♥
"What's bugging you?” Tatsuya asked, filling a tray with three shot glasses and a bottle of tequila.
"Aya's sick,” Jin replied,
Tatsuya leaned on the bar and placed a hand on his waist. "She's sick and you left her with just the baby sitter?" he reprimanded.
“No, she's with Kazuya.”
Tatsuya cocked his head. "The pretty neighbor?”
“Yeah, Kazuya," Jin replied as he distractedly wiped with a dishtowel the glasses lined up on the bar before him.
Tatsuya nodded. "So, how's it going with him?”
“Who?"
“You're pretty neighbor.”
“Kazuya?" Jin asked.
Tatsuya blurted a laugh so loud, a guy sitting by the bar started. "You got it bad, Akanishi," he said just as loud as his laughter.
Jin smiled at the startled guy and offered him a bottle of beer. "It's on him," Jin said to the guy while directing a thumb towards Tatsuya. Tatsuya winked at the dark-haired guy who blushed then scowled. Jin turned towards his friend and frowned. "What the hell are you talking about?”
Tatsuya's smile was taunting. "You just mentioned his name three times in less than 15 seconds," he said to Jin.
“Who? Kazu..." Jin abruptly stopped when his friend leered. "Fuck you, Ueda.”
“Anytime, Akanishi," Tatsuya said, smiling. He turned and blew an air kiss at the dark-haired guy who scowled harder and blushed deeper.
♥
As soon as he got home, he kicked off his shoes then he paused by the doorway, trying to hear his next-door neighbors. It was quiet. He proceeded to the kitchen to wash his hands. As he did he recalled the night Aya was sick. He drank a glass of water to drown the lump in his throat. He filled his glass once again and drank another glassful to stop the fluttering in his guts.
He walked to his desk and sat down on his chair. He turned on the computer then removed his ring and wristwatch. For a couple of minutes he just stared at the blank document on the screen, his fingers, poised on the keyboards, unmoving. He sighed, leaned back on his chair and closed his eyes. Jin's face appeared in his mind and he smiled. That's when it hit him. His eyes snapped open. “Oh fuck,” he muttered. “Jesus god, no way!”
He froze when he heard the knock on the door. He didn't want to move. He knew who was knocking. He nervously tapped his fingers on the desk as he listened to the growing loud knocking on his door.
“Uncle Kazuya, open up!”
Kazuya inhaled deeply and exhaled just as deep then forced himself to stand up. When he opened the door, he fixed his gaze on the little girl, who surprisingly was wearing a simple striped shirt and denim pants. “You look like a boy,” Kazuya commented, trying to sound friendly but his voice came out flat.
“Thanks,” the little girl said and marched right in.
Kazuya paused by the doorway. His stomach rolled queasy. It took quite an effort for him to raise his head. And when he did, he found the man a couple of feet away, with hands inside his pockets and looking uneasy, and dark eyes staring at him the same way Kazuya last saw the man. Kazuya's stomach rolled once more and his heart burned. He slammed the door shut then he closed his eyes tight as he silently repeated the word “no” to the disquiet in his heart.
♥
Junno and Koki sat down with silly grins on their faces. Junno spread open a magazine on the bar counter. Koki pointed at a magazine article. Tatsuya and Jin both looked down. The two read the whole article in silence, completely ignoring the demands around them for various drinks.
"The band is aptly called Mabushi because, indeed, they dazzled the audience with their sparkling performance,” Tatsuya said, reading out the last line of the magazine article. He turned away and when he turned back, he placed two beer bottles in front of Junno and Koki.
“We ought to ask for a raise, Jin, ” Junno said.
“We have to get a manager, Jin,” Koki said.
But Jin didn't hear them. Even the sound of the loud music blaring all around had receded for him as he re-read a part of the article.
Lead singer, Akanishi Jin was more than good. The man's voice was soulful and his moves sensuous. His voice seemed to come from the core of his being and his body moved as naturally as blood flowed in his veins. Akanishi wasn't merely performing on stage. He was expressing himself, compelling the audience to listen and watch, enraptured.
Akanishi is no idol and thank god. Because the entertainment business sorely needs artists like him.
"I'm so gonna kiss K2 whoever she may be, ” Junno exclaimed, referring to the byline of the magazine article.
“Maybe he's a he,” Koki interjected. “But I'll kiss him anyway.”
Tatsuya smiled knowingly as he eyed Jin.
Jin was silent. His heart was filled to the brim and thoughts of kissing a writer swirled in his head. He only belatedly realized he was smiling when a girl standing on the dance floor raised a drink then winked at him.
♥
Kazuya read the words he had just written. He pressed the keys “control” and “A” then pressed “del.” Everything he had written for the last hour vanished and he had no regrets because it was nothing but two pages of mostly sappy thoughts on romantic date venues in the city.
He slammed the laptop shut and pulled open a drawer. He took his cigarette pack and took a stick. As he lit it, he was drawn to the latest creation of Aya pinned on his cork board. It was a drawing of a little girl and two men. Under each figure, Jin had written “pumpkin”, “Dracula” and “clueless neighbor victim”.
"Clueless neighbor victim," Kazuya read and thought how apt. It was bad enough he fell for the girl. Then he went ahead and fell for the father, too. He cringed as he thought of the review he made of Jin's band's performance. He could only wish Jin would not get hold of a copy of the magazine because Kazuya knew he sounded like a lovesick fangirl.
Kazuya cursed at himself again. He stretched up his arms and bent his neck sideways. The clicking sound of his joints somehow relieved him of the physical stress but was useless in dispelling his emotional turmoil.
Carrying the mug of his already warm coffee, he left his desk and walked towards the balcony. It was late and he knew Jin would still be working in the club. He was glad he would be alone, wanting to sort out his thoughts. Yet, a part of him - the infatuated silly part of him - hoped to be disturbed by the presence of his next-door neighbor.
He placed the cigarette between his lips but his mouth fell open and the lit stick fell. In the dark, he can very well make out the silhouette on the balcony of two people making out. One was unmistakably a woman, the other was unmistakably a familiar man.
♥
"Hey.”
Kazuya jerked, spilling coffee on his hand. He cursed as he put down the mug.
"Sorry,” Jin said. He pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to Kazuya. “Here.” Kazuya frowned then wiped his hand on his jeans. Jin tried not to look hurt as he stuffed his ignored handkerchief back in his pocket. “Thanks for the review,” Jin said. “I would have thanked you earlier but I haven't seen you in a while.” Kazuya remained silent.
Sensing that the writer was in one of his dour moods, Jin fell quiet. It had been a while since they shared a quiet moment that way. Kazuya had been scarce lately and Jin didn't like hanging out on the balcony alone. Although the last time he was out there, he wasn't alone.
Jin frowned as he recalled that night. He had long ceased taking home girls and he didn't know what compelled him to do that that night. He and the girl ended up making out on the balcony. And although that was as far as it went, it had been fun, Jin thought.
He turned to look at his neighbor. Kazuya remained silent, looking down on the street while one hand fiddled with the hem of his pants. Kazuya wasn't being much fun, Jin thought but he smiled because he preferred the company nonetheless. He preferred him. Jin lost his smile but before he could dwell any further on his thought, his attention was diverted to the voice of a man coming from inside Kazuya's apartment.
“Hey, I gotta go.”
Jin leaned out to see. It was the dork. Kazuya twisted around. Jin saw Kazuya's lips turn up in a smile at the other man. Mine, he thought and a dead weight settled in his guts.
♥
"What's wrong Akanishi?”
"Nothing,” Jin dryly replied, wiping dry the shot glasses in front of him.
"Is Aya sick again?”
"No, she's fine.”
Tatsuya studied his friend then a smiled crept up his face. “Is she with the pretty neighbor?”
"No because Pretty Neighbor is busy being stupid,” spat out. Tatsuya curved an eyebrow as he watch Jin place shot glasses on a tray none too gently. Jin stopped and looked at his friend. “I thought gay men are smart.
"We are.”
"Or are they just masochists?”
Tatsuya shrugged. “I'm an s.”
"So why do you insist,” Jin went on seemingly not hearing his friend, “on breaking your hearts with...” Jin clicked his tongue, exasperated. Tatsuya waited. “With dorks who are about to get married!”
Tatsuya smiled. “I don't know because I personally prefer to break my heart with single fathers.” Jin scowled at him. Tatsuya smiled wider then went mixing cocktails on two wide-brimmed glasses. “It's really none of your business, Jin. If your pretty neighbor chooses to get mangled by a soon-to-be-married dork, that's his problem.”
A knot formed in Jin's stomach. He slammed the dish towel on the bar. “Kazuya's nice and smart and decent and he deserves better!” Jin's voice was so loud, a couple of girls seated by the bar were stunned.
Tatsuya smiled at the couple. “Drinks are on him,” he said, placing a coupled of margaritas in front of the two. Tatsuya then turned towards the still upset Jin. “Better? Like who?”
Me, was Jin's instant thought. And he felt the dead weight in his guts again.
Tatsuya watched Jin's face then he folded his arms around his chest. “Then what the hell's holding you back, Akanishi?” he asked. Jin remained quiet, looking uncertain.“Are you into it just for the novelty of getting it on with another guy?”
Jin frowned at Tatsuya. “Jesus, Tat-chan! If that was all I would have indulged in you a long time ago.”
Tatsuya was quiet for a moment then he blurted into his usual loud laugh. Jin smiled. “You're in deep shit, Akanishi!” he said so loud, everyone seated by the bar turned to look at him. Ignoring all the eyes on him and the club's rule against employers drinking, he filled two glasses with scotch. He took one and gave the other to Jin. “Here's to poetic justice,” he said and raised his glass.
Jin raised his. “Fuck you, Ueda.”
"Anytime, Akanishi.” And they both emptied their glasses.
♥
"You used to knock, you know?” Kazuya said when he heard his door open. Without looking up, he knew it was Jin who just came in.
"You used to lock your door,” came the flippant reply. “I really like you.”
Kazuya's hand froze on the keyboard while his heart started to rapidly. “Where's Aya?” he asked, still refusing to turn around.
"Sleeping,” Jin answered, dismissively. “Did you hear me? I just said I like you.”
With his back still on Jin, Kazuya closed his eyes and tried to even his breathing which had gone erratic. Finally, he swiveled on his chair to face Jin and his heart thumped more wildly.
The other man stood in the room, hands inside his pockets, shoulders hunched. “I know you like me,” Jin said but his voice sounded unsure.
"It doesn't work that way,” he said. He turned back to his desk, pulled a drawer and groped inside.
"What do you mean it doesn't work that way?”
"Gay guy. Straight guy. Doesn't work,” Kazuya replied. He softly cursed when he finally got hold of a cigarette pack and found it was empty.
"Why not?”
Kazuya pulled open another drawer. “Been there, done that. It just doesn't work,” Kazuya said, matter-of-fact though he feared his heart will fall out his chest.
"So what the hell am I gonna do?”
Kazuya turned to look at Jin whose face was a mask of confusion. He felt sorry for him but not as much as he felt sorry for himself. “Don't do this to me, Jin. Give me a break, 'kay?” He gave up finding a cigarette and slammed the drawer close. He stood up then walked towards the sink, filled a glass with water from the tap and drank it.
"Give me a break,” Jin wearily retorted.
Glass emptied, Kazuya banged the glass on the sink. He turned to look at Jin and cocked his head.
Jin took a step forward. “I'm going nuts here because I just can't fucking figure out why I'm wanting you like crazy.”
Both men stared at each other through the silence that hung thick in the air. Then Kazuya exhaled a grunt then sneered. “If that's all it is, you could have just said so.” Jin frowned. “You wanna fuck?”
"What?” Jin asked, surprised at Kazuya's words.
"I mean, if you just wanna try it...” Kazuya started unbuttoning his shirt.
"What the hell are you talking about?” Jin asked, looking more confused. “What are you doing?”
"I haven't had sex for god-knows how long anyway.” Kazuya popped the last button off the hole and drew his shirt open.
"Will you stop it!” Jin said, his breathing got heavier from both being upset at what Kazuya was implying and the sight of the younger man getting undressed in front of him.
Kazuya looked down on his chest and chuckled humorless. “I don't have girl boobs but my ass makes up for it.”
Jin stormed towards Kazuya and took the younger man's hand that started unbuckling his belt. “That's not what I mean,” he hissed through his teeth.
Kazuya tried to jerk his hands away from Jin's vise-like grip. “Then what the fuck do you mean?” he yelled.
"I don't know!” Jin yelled back. He looked straight at Kazuya as if he could find his meaning in the other man's brown eyes. “I don't know what I mean,” he added, his voice growing soft just as his hold on Kazuya's hands loosened. He lowered his gaze and it fell on Kazuya's lips. “All I know is that right now I want to kiss you so badly.”
Kazuya's heart lurched as Jin lowered his face. He felt Jin's breath on his lips and he closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable that he wanted as much as he dreaded.
"Daddy?”
Jin leaped a couple of feet away and Kazuya immediately turned and buttoned his shirt, silently cursing himself.
"I thought you were asleep,” Jin said, walking towards his daughter. “I'm thirsty,” the little girl said. Jin scooped up the little girl and headed for the door. “Goodnight, Uncle Kazuya,” Aya said.
"Goodnight,” Kazuya said without turning around. Then he heard the door shut.
♥
Kazuya crouched low on the balcony. It was three hours past midnight but he couldn't sleep. He knew his neighbor had gotten home from working in the club. He heard him come in earlier. He was two-minds on whether or not he wanted Jin to find him.
It didn't take long before he heard the next balcony door slide open. Kazuya waited but Jin remained quiet. Confident that the darkness shrouded him, Kazuya chanced a glance at his neighbor. He could tell by the way Jin's jaw looked taut in silhouette that the man was bothered. A knot formed in Kazuya's stomach but he steeled himself. He averted his eyes and remained quiet.
Jin knew Kazuya wasn't looking at him because the younger man seemed to find him a revolting sight lately. He turned his face slightly. A wisp of light from the sky afforded him a glimpse of the younger man's hands - one holding a forgotten cigarette, ashed end almost an inch long while another hand fiddled with the tattered hem of his denim jeans. Gestures of a bothered Kazuya, Jin knew.
Both men stared beyond the railings and watched the shadows of trees below, each one waited for the other to break the silence. But neither did and the silence stretched long.
Kazuya looked down and saw his cigarette unconsumed but burned to the filter, ashes long blown away by the wind. He flicked away the filter and his eyes tried to follow where it went but soon lost sight of it. He finally stood up.
"Can I have a cigarette?” Jin said, finally breaking the silence.
Kazuya wordlessly handed Jin his cigarette and lighter. Jin reached out and folded his hand around Kazuya's. “Do you realize,” he said, “that from here and from there, our hands meet at exactly an arm's length away?” Kazuya stared at their joined hands for a moment. He looked up and locked eyes with Jin who added, “But only if we both reach out at the same time.”
♥ Part 5