Comments | ashke: Update on Story

ashke

Update on Story

Feb 17, 2002 11:47

heyla and greetings all!
this morning, while procastinating from homework, i worked on the story some more. I think i've changed things for the good, but i don't know for sure. If people could please read and "review" it, i would appreciate it! thanks!

"The Girl With No Feeling"

Comments 4

leora February 17 2002, 09:19:58 UTC

There are still some grammar issues. But here are the major ways to improve it ( ... )

Some other things... silverhawk February 17 2002, 22:14:34 UTC

Yeah, Leora has the right of it, and she's probably a better proofreader than I am, but a couple of things I noticed:

Your second paragraph switches between first and third person. This is bad. Pick a viewpoint.

At the doctor's, there's an overuse of the word "various." It also doesn't sound like what a five year old would say. I'd expect: "I was getting some sprinkles from over the stove and I didn't know the burners were on. And they couldn't have been on, 'cause it didn't hurt. What's wrong with my hands? Why are they all red?"

Lastly, ice is really *bad* for burns. Cold water is the recommended treatment. I guess the mom may not know that, but I'd expect the doctor to tell the mother that the ice was a bad idea.

Anyways, I really enjoyed it. I think the addition of the conversation where Maryanna asks her mother what is wrong is really good. It gives the story more of a sense of immediacy.

rahvina September 9 2002, 21:14:45 UTC

I basically agree with the other two comments :) but since you nicely commented on my story, I wanted to say hi and such as well :). The character is really interesting. I think if you had her sound a little younger when she IS about 5 would help the readers feel more connection. The only other thing I noticed was the confusion about which person you want the story to be in. I normally write in third person (LJ story was an experiment :) ), but something tells me that this would work better as a first person narrative.

Good start though...I look forward to reading the rest of it :)

thanks! ashke September 10 2002, 17:18:33 UTC

Thank you very much for the comments!

This story is supposed to be set up as Maryanna being like 25 yrs old but looking back on her childhood and life, especially when it deals with her whole lack of nerve endings thing. This is most likely where the two different points of views gets confusing. I might just do it straight first person. I'm still working on it.

Actually, because my story was becoming so big, i decided to post it on Fanfiction.net. The URL is: http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=211513

I've still yet to update that story in a while. It's mostly because i got stuck on what to include in the story nad what not to because i dont' want it to get so long and stuff. G'night! =)