Tommy Not Junior
This is from Development and Preproduction. It's a treatment intended for a Production II film (post sync sound). I always write stories that are happy, sing songy, and have a very Disney feel to them... I wanted to challenge myself and write something different, something with a little more serious tone and subject matter.
TOMMY NOT JUNIOR
Tommy, or “Junior” as most know him, sits on the edge of his bed, in a small, cramped bedroom of his family’s apartment. He’s wearing a long sleeve tee-shirt and ratty, old jeans. His fourteen year old body is so boney and frail that these clothes look awkward on him. The alarm clock on the floor reads “1:20 am”, which explains why the only light of the room is from the hazy moon. Tommy hears the sound of an old car pull up and the engine turn off. He walks to the window and looks down. From his window on the third floor, he can see his father in the parking lot getting out of the run-down car, nearly falling over in the process. Tommy goes back to his bed, pulls his knees to his chest, and rocks back and forth. One of his sleeves pulls up while he rocks, which exposes both old and new bruises all over his arm. He hears his father unlocking the apartment door followed by unbalanced footsteps. Tommy stops rocking and listens to his father knocking over and breaking things. The footsteps walk past his door and towards his little sister Becky’s room. Tommy goes to his door and opens it up a crack. Through the crack we see Thomas, the father, walking off balance and bent over. He is filthy and his clothes and jacket are torn. His father yells “Becky”, towards the room, and starts banging on the door. The nine years old Becky opens the door and steps out. She, like Tommy, is very frail and skinny, wearing ratty old clothes. Thomas grabs Becky’s arm and drags her down the hallway. Tommy follows them without his father knowing. He watches from around the corner as his father, with his back to Tommy, throws Becky to the couch. He starts throwing beer cans, bottles and garbage towards her. He yells “Can’t you do anything Rebecca? You’re just like your slut mother”. Tommy sees that the idea of his mother angers his father even more. His father tenses up grabs a bottle and charges towards Becky with it. Tommy runs towards his father and tackles him to the ground, knocking the bottle out of his hand. The fall has knocked his father out. Tommy sees his father’s keys and a cell phone on the counter. He grabs them then signals Becky to the door. The apartment door closes and they run down the stairs and out of the building. When they get to the old car, Tommy opens it up and they climb in, locking the doors behind them. Tommy holds his sister tightly to his side, as he flips open the phone and dials 9-1-1.
My(and class) critics:
-NEEDS ENDING more closure.
-Why is this time different--- why does he take action this time?
-More in kitchen
TOMMY NOT JUNIOR
Tommy, or “Junior” as most know him, sits on the edge of his bed, in a small, cramped bedroom of his family’s apartment. He’s wearing a long sleeve tee-shirt and ratty, old jeans. His fourteen year old body is so boney and frail that these clothes look awkward on him. The alarm clock on the floor reads “1:20 am”, which explains why the only light of the room is from the hazy moon. Tommy hears the sound of an old car pull up and the engine turn off. He walks to the window and looks down. From his window on the third floor, he can see his father in the parking lot getting out of the run-down car, nearly falling over in the process. Tommy goes back to his bed, pulls his knees to his chest, and rocks back and forth. One of his sleeves pulls up while he rocks, which exposes both old and new bruises all over his arm. He hears his father unlocking the apartment door followed by unbalanced footsteps. Tommy stops rocking and listens to his father knocking over and breaking things. The footsteps walk past his door and towards his little sister Becky’s room. Tommy goes to his door and opens it up a crack. Through the crack we see Thomas, the father, walking off balance and bent over. He is filthy and his clothes and jacket are torn. His father yells “Becky”, towards the room, and starts banging on the door. The nine years old Becky opens the door and steps out. She, like Tommy, is very frail and skinny, wearing ratty old clothes. Thomas grabs Becky’s arm and drags her down the hallway. Tommy follows them without his father knowing. He watches from around the corner as his father, with his back to Tommy, throws Becky to the couch. He starts throwing beer cans, bottles and garbage towards her. He yells “Can’t you do anything Rebecca? You’re just like your slut mother”. Tommy sees that the idea of his mother angers his father even more. His father tenses up grabs a bottle and charges towards Becky with it. Tommy runs towards his father and tackles him to the ground, knocking the bottle out of his hand. The fall has knocked his father out. Tommy sees his father’s keys and a cell phone on the counter. He grabs them then signals Becky to the door. The apartment door closes and they run down the stairs and out of the building. When they get to the old car, Tommy opens it up and they climb in, locking the doors behind them. Tommy holds his sister tightly to his side, as he flips open the phone and dials 9-1-1.
My(and class) critics:
-NEEDS ENDING more closure.
-Why is this time different--- why does he take action this time?
-More in kitchen