I wish I could help you. Maybe it's a sort of mental block that makes you sabotage yourself? I felt that way for years, not sure if it was because of how I was raised and that to rise up for one's self is the stumbling block but I suspect as much and vaguely recall something about it in psychology. It's very common with people who have had a lot of trauma in their life and it looks like you've had plenty. Our minds get conditioned by what happens to us and its not your fault entirely for reacting with a lot of despair and self abuse which in turn causes more depression, etc. I think the thing that got me was not being able to recognize it and instead I would only feel well was when somebody,"needed", me. They say therapy helps but therapy is really just talking about it, and anyone can do that. Maybe you would feel better discussing things with somebody a bit removed from your immediate circle, somebody who could lend a non-judgemental ear and help you get everything off your chest? I'm thinking something like AA or DA, where people
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