Aldrich's Real World recaps on AfterElton.com!
Tenatively, I will be doing All-Gay Recaps for AfterElton.com in regards to my new favorite television show "The Real World: Key West." Here's a cockteaser:
Meet the roomies. This season’s theme is “token” drama.
Katrina is the unwanted roommate and she’s cranky about it.
None of the roommates can cook, which is bad news for the anorexic Paula.
Hellooo Jose.
Recap: The Real World: Key West, Episode One
Meet the Roomies…We start with the svelte Sveltana is kissing her hot boyfriend Martin goodbye. Can we say “Trouble?” Then she spends her whole testimonial talking about living at home and needing new experiences. Meet the token “girl-with-another relationship-but-she’s-going-to-cheat-on-him-with-a-roommate” girl. She is desperately trying to. Paula talks about being bulimic and having issues with food even though she is not ugly or fat at all. The “gay” roommate Tyler is from Minneapolis, Minnesota which they pronounce as “Min-ne-SOH-tah” because I’ve been there before. He says that he doesn’t know how people will take his personality and he demonstrates his flexibility in loose fitting shorts. Two words: Power Bottom. Janelle, a fellow Bay Area-ite, expresses her mixed race identity. John, the jock, plays with his blow-up doll. Zach the Jew has an ugly fro. Seriously. He is wearing the unwanted fusion of an Afro and a Chia pet on his head. And then there’s Jose who is smoldering and my type. He’s probably straight.
And the unwanted roomie…And her name is Katrina and she’s a bitch supremo. Katrina is so nasty that she isn’t going to let the roommates into “the house” and she make them stay at Doubletree. Based on all their living conditions, I wonder if the roomies end up wondering if they got Punked and are instead on the new season of Road Rules, which I wouldn’t mind because that would mean seeing more shirtless scenes of Tyler and Jose.
Fortunately the hurricane calms down. No Svetlana, it was just really windy. Where are you from again?
On this week’s episode of Survivor…Svetlana looks ready for this season’s first challenge based on the camouflage top. And her first challenge is Tyler. He is loud and obnoxious. And he speaks a little bit of Russian. And by “a little bit,” he knows how to say “hello” and “I can speak Russian like a dumbass.” As Tyler attempts to impress Svetlana with his limited language skills, she is overjoyed that she has found the gay roommate.
Meanwhile, Janelle, Zack and John are on the other side of the island. Zack has cleverly covered his with a trucker cap. Smart move, straight guy. In testimonial time, Janelle already says that she will already have a lot of clashing, setting herself as the token drama queen. And these guys get to live together and have their lives taped for several months. Then they get on a boat and start to get plastered. I think I’ll like these guys this season!
Rollin’ with the hotties…Jose is attracted to Paula. Damnit. Oh Jose, you could do much better than the stick-that-is-Paula. Jose talks about wanting a girl who will keep him on his toes. Have you ever tried men, Jose? They’re less demanding and they give great orgasms. I’m sure that Paula’s bulimia is going to have a major effect on the show.
Back on the Loove Boat…The drinking buddies continue to babble about bullshit. Chia Pet Zach is the token “scraggly guy” according to Janelle. I could’ve told you that.
AIRPLANE!...Svetlana is getting panicky about going on the mini plane with Tyler. Wanna switch? And she says the show’s first explicative. Yup, she’s true Russian dah-ling. Tyler doesn’t know that the other roommates are getting there by boat and by car. Tyler is talking about how awesome if the plane would crash and he looks like he is having such a good time picking on Svetlana, who suddenly gets a case of hot flashes.
Gay-Marry Me Jose. Jose gives more reasons why I wish he were gay. He is a finance major who knows how to deal with money. He’s involved in Real Estate and he bought his first house. Paula sees dollar signs. I see husband material. Jose, do you have an equally smart gay twin?
“The House.” The roommates are oogling the house. Poor kids. I’m waiting for the scene when they oogle over the thousands of cameras surrounding the house. Svetlana has found Nemo. Yawn.
More roommates and they are already judging each other. Zach and Svetlana talk about how hot they all are. Svetlana whines about being the baby of the house. Your whining isn’t any sign of maturity either, dahling.
Jose and Paula drive up. I’m wiping drool off my face. And I’m already seeing problems for Paula because…none of the roommates can cook! They’re already burning the few pieces of chicken on a stove. Svetlana’s new name is “Fun Bags” and Zach’s new name is “Sack Face.” Hey “Fun Bags” and “Sack Face,” your chicken is on fire!
“Fun Bags” is also attention craving and predicts that a blonde girl will walk into the door. Great timing for Paula to enter the house being the blonde and ulimic. The girls playfully hug each other as they size up the competition like in America’s Next Top Model. With Jose around, Janelle feels happy that she is not the model minority anymore. Not that she’s a model anything whatsoever.
Unpacking the goods…Like perfect gentlemen, the straight dudes are bringing in the ladies’ luggages. Like little boys, they’re snickering when they here something vibrating from “Fun Bags” fun bag. But it turns out to be a leg shaver. Jeez, what would you guys do with it if it were a dildo? Explore the mysterious male P-Spot? I’m sure that Tyler would love to help out in that category.
Speaking of Tyler, he and Jose are rooming together. Lucky bastard. Those beds look like they can be easily pushed together. I just had a brief happy pants moment. Tyler talks about how “weird” and “eccentric” he is. Jose’s eye roll reveals that he knows he is rooming with the queer. The girls, wasting camera time, are still playing the annoying “tokenizing” game and talking about random types of guys that they like. Gee, why is Paula so quiet about the subject all of a sudden? Not to be outdone by the camera whores, the guys have their own similar discussion. Zach says he doesn’t have any types…except the ones that call themselves “Fun Bags,” of course.
Roommate bondage…John brings his blow-up girlfriend to the pool and everyone strips down to their skivvies for the ritual “skin and sun” part of the first season. I think the guys should all walk around shirtless more often. But those thought bubbles pop when the roommates all see Paula’s stick-like body.
Then they go to the bars...well, actually, strip bars. John makes a revelation that Paula is quite skinny. Paula is hurt and then there’s a montage of the roomie having fun and Paula feels shitty. Zach does a stupid dance on the streets to cheer Paula up. Paula then talks about her “issues” again. In the testimonial, Zach realizes that he’s found the first roommate challenge of the season. But he’s still not close to the million dollar prize at the end. Oops, wrong celebreality show.
Meanwhile, Svetlana is basking in brunette glory. Brunettes have more fun this season.
Speaking of attention whores, Tyler, in some really nice and loose board shorts, is gossiping about his roomies over the phone. His friend’s name is Fitch and he’s flaming. I hope Tyler doesn’t have another friend named Abercrombie. And what parents in their right minds would name their kid “Fitch” and expect him not to be gay? The power bottom may find Zach cute because he’s scruffy but the camera’s shift to a buff Jose rowing in the lake makes me fastforward and rewind. “Oh and we have an anorexic girl, by the way,” Tyler sniggers like this is The Greatest Show On Earth.
I’m glad they’re not my roommates…Switching back to his ‘Nice guy” disguise, Tyler makes small talk with Paula, who is finally eating something. She’s eating tortilla chips and some cheese. I think the reason why Paula is starving is because no one in the house can cook or manage a house of their own. John attempts to use the dishwasher. Tyler attempts to cook. You do not put dishwasher soap into the dishwasher! Tyler can’t find the can opener and attempts to open a can of tuna by banging on it with an ice cream scoop. MTV, where did they find these people?! Fortunately, Mr. “I Own My Own Home” swoops in to save the day. Viva Jose!
Bait and Switch…Zach and John are bonding. They may be setting up their fishing poles but their real purpose was to lure attention whore Svetlana out. And that trick works. Tyler has a new nickname for Svetlana: “Slutlana.” Slutlana acts pissed but her legs are all over Zach so she shuts her mouth. Tyler is now the typical gossip whore. I should call him SlutTy just to be fair to Slutlana.
Slutlana takes a break…Martin is talking to Slutlana on the phone. Martin is jealous because the gay guy is not the only hot guy on the show. Being on “The Real World” is like being a vegetarian surrounded by the choicest meat cuts on a silver platter. Slutlana tells Martin she’s going to look at his picture all night and read her Bible. But what she does instead is make flirtatious small talk with tender Zach over ice cream. Oh those Russian femme fatales, dahling!
The Downfall of America’s Female Society…John heats up some frozen pizza. Paula’s eyes literally fall out of her head at the sight of pizza and she goes into her depression testimonials about wanting to eat and she is jealous that the food is going to make her depressed. Paula said that she will gain weight. Wow, she’s borderline scary. Of course, Slutlana flaunts that she can eat “Pizza Pizza” as Paula goes off to throw up her Diet Pepsi. Then she and Slutlana mingle by talking about body image, but mostly about how fat they each are. The women’s movement lead to this?! I’m sure Susan B. Anthony is somewhere rolling in her grave.
The other roommates are bored…To avoid Women’s Studies 101, the other roommates are entertained by Katrina’s special effects “lightning show” where she hits little islands and burns them to a crisp. Maybe it makes the roomies feel better about their cooking. Zach talks about how much he is going to stay away from her and talks about how annoying she is.
Slutlana shifts targets…The roomies’ pool table is awesome with its red velvet and transparent glass balls. Only in the Real World house. John wants Slutlana. Jose talks about getting away and experience, not with the roommates of course. Slutlana confesses that she would do the same thing. Paula is eating something. How exciting. Then Slutlana is chilling out with her new man John on the couch. The Russians are coming…literally.
Duval Street Drama…Tyler is finally here. Jose looks soo hot. Slutlana’s shirt just happens to break. Great timing. Paula walks by and rolls her eyes. Paula doesn’t like John because he’s in her face. Sutlana looks jealous as John licks jello off Paula’s face.
Paula is crying because she wants to be an attention whore. John talks about grabbing lobsters. John talks about being a lesbian. I think it would be awesome that Paula is a lesbian. Tyler talks about John and Paula having the most elementary fight ever. Paula talks about seeing John’s penis. And then Paula feels like throwing up and starts hyperventilating. Hopefully, that sobers up everybody else.
John apologizes to Zach. Wrong person, dude. Sober up a little bit more and apologize to Paula, who is comatose and really depressed on the couch. Looks like there’s more than a hurricane brewing at the house.
Coming up: Paula has a problem. Like we didn’t know.
Thoughts? Can I fit ScriptGrrl's shoes? The recaps haven't gone online yet, so wish me luck!
Meet the roomies. This season’s theme is “token” drama.
Katrina is the unwanted roommate and she’s cranky about it.
None of the roommates can cook, which is bad news for the anorexic Paula.
Hellooo Jose.
Recap: The Real World: Key West, Episode One
Meet the Roomies…We start with the svelte Sveltana is kissing her hot boyfriend Martin goodbye. Can we say “Trouble?” Then she spends her whole testimonial talking about living at home and needing new experiences. Meet the token “girl-with-another relationship-but-she’s-going-to-cheat-on-him-with-a-roommate” girl. She is desperately trying to. Paula talks about being bulimic and having issues with food even though she is not ugly or fat at all. The “gay” roommate Tyler is from Minneapolis, Minnesota which they pronounce as “Min-ne-SOH-tah” because I’ve been there before. He says that he doesn’t know how people will take his personality and he demonstrates his flexibility in loose fitting shorts. Two words: Power Bottom. Janelle, a fellow Bay Area-ite, expresses her mixed race identity. John, the jock, plays with his blow-up doll. Zach the Jew has an ugly fro. Seriously. He is wearing the unwanted fusion of an Afro and a Chia pet on his head. And then there’s Jose who is smoldering and my type. He’s probably straight.
And the unwanted roomie…And her name is Katrina and she’s a bitch supremo. Katrina is so nasty that she isn’t going to let the roommates into “the house” and she make them stay at Doubletree. Based on all their living conditions, I wonder if the roomies end up wondering if they got Punked and are instead on the new season of Road Rules, which I wouldn’t mind because that would mean seeing more shirtless scenes of Tyler and Jose.
Fortunately the hurricane calms down. No Svetlana, it was just really windy. Where are you from again?
On this week’s episode of Survivor…Svetlana looks ready for this season’s first challenge based on the camouflage top. And her first challenge is Tyler. He is loud and obnoxious. And he speaks a little bit of Russian. And by “a little bit,” he knows how to say “hello” and “I can speak Russian like a dumbass.” As Tyler attempts to impress Svetlana with his limited language skills, she is overjoyed that she has found the gay roommate.
Meanwhile, Janelle, Zack and John are on the other side of the island. Zack has cleverly covered his with a trucker cap. Smart move, straight guy. In testimonial time, Janelle already says that she will already have a lot of clashing, setting herself as the token drama queen. And these guys get to live together and have their lives taped for several months. Then they get on a boat and start to get plastered. I think I’ll like these guys this season!
Rollin’ with the hotties…Jose is attracted to Paula. Damnit. Oh Jose, you could do much better than the stick-that-is-Paula. Jose talks about wanting a girl who will keep him on his toes. Have you ever tried men, Jose? They’re less demanding and they give great orgasms. I’m sure that Paula’s bulimia is going to have a major effect on the show.
Back on the Loove Boat…The drinking buddies continue to babble about bullshit. Chia Pet Zach is the token “scraggly guy” according to Janelle. I could’ve told you that.
AIRPLANE!...Svetlana is getting panicky about going on the mini plane with Tyler. Wanna switch? And she says the show’s first explicative. Yup, she’s true Russian dah-ling. Tyler doesn’t know that the other roommates are getting there by boat and by car. Tyler is talking about how awesome if the plane would crash and he looks like he is having such a good time picking on Svetlana, who suddenly gets a case of hot flashes.
Gay-Marry Me Jose. Jose gives more reasons why I wish he were gay. He is a finance major who knows how to deal with money. He’s involved in Real Estate and he bought his first house. Paula sees dollar signs. I see husband material. Jose, do you have an equally smart gay twin?
“The House.” The roommates are oogling the house. Poor kids. I’m waiting for the scene when they oogle over the thousands of cameras surrounding the house. Svetlana has found Nemo. Yawn.
More roommates and they are already judging each other. Zach and Svetlana talk about how hot they all are. Svetlana whines about being the baby of the house. Your whining isn’t any sign of maturity either, dahling.
Jose and Paula drive up. I’m wiping drool off my face. And I’m already seeing problems for Paula because…none of the roommates can cook! They’re already burning the few pieces of chicken on a stove. Svetlana’s new name is “Fun Bags” and Zach’s new name is “Sack Face.” Hey “Fun Bags” and “Sack Face,” your chicken is on fire!
“Fun Bags” is also attention craving and predicts that a blonde girl will walk into the door. Great timing for Paula to enter the house being the blonde and ulimic. The girls playfully hug each other as they size up the competition like in America’s Next Top Model. With Jose around, Janelle feels happy that she is not the model minority anymore. Not that she’s a model anything whatsoever.
Unpacking the goods…Like perfect gentlemen, the straight dudes are bringing in the ladies’ luggages. Like little boys, they’re snickering when they here something vibrating from “Fun Bags” fun bag. But it turns out to be a leg shaver. Jeez, what would you guys do with it if it were a dildo? Explore the mysterious male P-Spot? I’m sure that Tyler would love to help out in that category.
Speaking of Tyler, he and Jose are rooming together. Lucky bastard. Those beds look like they can be easily pushed together. I just had a brief happy pants moment. Tyler talks about how “weird” and “eccentric” he is. Jose’s eye roll reveals that he knows he is rooming with the queer. The girls, wasting camera time, are still playing the annoying “tokenizing” game and talking about random types of guys that they like. Gee, why is Paula so quiet about the subject all of a sudden? Not to be outdone by the camera whores, the guys have their own similar discussion. Zach says he doesn’t have any types…except the ones that call themselves “Fun Bags,” of course.
Roommate bondage…John brings his blow-up girlfriend to the pool and everyone strips down to their skivvies for the ritual “skin and sun” part of the first season. I think the guys should all walk around shirtless more often. But those thought bubbles pop when the roommates all see Paula’s stick-like body.
Then they go to the bars...well, actually, strip bars. John makes a revelation that Paula is quite skinny. Paula is hurt and then there’s a montage of the roomie having fun and Paula feels shitty. Zach does a stupid dance on the streets to cheer Paula up. Paula then talks about her “issues” again. In the testimonial, Zach realizes that he’s found the first roommate challenge of the season. But he’s still not close to the million dollar prize at the end. Oops, wrong celebreality show.
Meanwhile, Svetlana is basking in brunette glory. Brunettes have more fun this season.
Speaking of attention whores, Tyler, in some really nice and loose board shorts, is gossiping about his roomies over the phone. His friend’s name is Fitch and he’s flaming. I hope Tyler doesn’t have another friend named Abercrombie. And what parents in their right minds would name their kid “Fitch” and expect him not to be gay? The power bottom may find Zach cute because he’s scruffy but the camera’s shift to a buff Jose rowing in the lake makes me fastforward and rewind. “Oh and we have an anorexic girl, by the way,” Tyler sniggers like this is The Greatest Show On Earth.
I’m glad they’re not my roommates…Switching back to his ‘Nice guy” disguise, Tyler makes small talk with Paula, who is finally eating something. She’s eating tortilla chips and some cheese. I think the reason why Paula is starving is because no one in the house can cook or manage a house of their own. John attempts to use the dishwasher. Tyler attempts to cook. You do not put dishwasher soap into the dishwasher! Tyler can’t find the can opener and attempts to open a can of tuna by banging on it with an ice cream scoop. MTV, where did they find these people?! Fortunately, Mr. “I Own My Own Home” swoops in to save the day. Viva Jose!
Bait and Switch…Zach and John are bonding. They may be setting up their fishing poles but their real purpose was to lure attention whore Svetlana out. And that trick works. Tyler has a new nickname for Svetlana: “Slutlana.” Slutlana acts pissed but her legs are all over Zach so she shuts her mouth. Tyler is now the typical gossip whore. I should call him SlutTy just to be fair to Slutlana.
Slutlana takes a break…Martin is talking to Slutlana on the phone. Martin is jealous because the gay guy is not the only hot guy on the show. Being on “The Real World” is like being a vegetarian surrounded by the choicest meat cuts on a silver platter. Slutlana tells Martin she’s going to look at his picture all night and read her Bible. But what she does instead is make flirtatious small talk with tender Zach over ice cream. Oh those Russian femme fatales, dahling!
The Downfall of America’s Female Society…John heats up some frozen pizza. Paula’s eyes literally fall out of her head at the sight of pizza and she goes into her depression testimonials about wanting to eat and she is jealous that the food is going to make her depressed. Paula said that she will gain weight. Wow, she’s borderline scary. Of course, Slutlana flaunts that she can eat “Pizza Pizza” as Paula goes off to throw up her Diet Pepsi. Then she and Slutlana mingle by talking about body image, but mostly about how fat they each are. The women’s movement lead to this?! I’m sure Susan B. Anthony is somewhere rolling in her grave.
The other roommates are bored…To avoid Women’s Studies 101, the other roommates are entertained by Katrina’s special effects “lightning show” where she hits little islands and burns them to a crisp. Maybe it makes the roomies feel better about their cooking. Zach talks about how much he is going to stay away from her and talks about how annoying she is.
Slutlana shifts targets…The roomies’ pool table is awesome with its red velvet and transparent glass balls. Only in the Real World house. John wants Slutlana. Jose talks about getting away and experience, not with the roommates of course. Slutlana confesses that she would do the same thing. Paula is eating something. How exciting. Then Slutlana is chilling out with her new man John on the couch. The Russians are coming…literally.
Duval Street Drama…Tyler is finally here. Jose looks soo hot. Slutlana’s shirt just happens to break. Great timing. Paula walks by and rolls her eyes. Paula doesn’t like John because he’s in her face. Sutlana looks jealous as John licks jello off Paula’s face.
Paula is crying because she wants to be an attention whore. John talks about grabbing lobsters. John talks about being a lesbian. I think it would be awesome that Paula is a lesbian. Tyler talks about John and Paula having the most elementary fight ever. Paula talks about seeing John’s penis. And then Paula feels like throwing up and starts hyperventilating. Hopefully, that sobers up everybody else.
John apologizes to Zach. Wrong person, dude. Sober up a little bit more and apologize to Paula, who is comatose and really depressed on the couch. Looks like there’s more than a hurricane brewing at the house.
Coming up: Paula has a problem. Like we didn’t know.
Thoughts? Can I fit ScriptGrrl's shoes? The recaps haven't gone online yet, so wish me luck!