(no subject)
So it turns out that AfterElton wants a "gayed-up" version of the recaps. In this case, I will provide you the original versions of the first three receaps before I gay them up a la Tyler:
Episode Two.
MamaJanelle saves the day.
Everyone has eating disorders.
$40 a Day in Key West…Looks like they picked up from yesterday. The cast, sans Paula, decides to go to breakfast, which reminds me about how much they can’t cook at all. They go out on the town and it looks like a cheap remake of $40 a Day. At a restaurant called “Blue Heaven,” Slutlana talks about not wanting last night to happen again and Tyler picks on her. Ugh, Tyler, wrong moment to be an ass. Then Slutlana talks about how Paula had problems with her dad and my pity for her pops again.
Paula is by herself and goes to the confessional and just starts crying. It’s really depressing to see her in so much pain. She talks about feeling out of control and she’s the oldest person in the house. Then she rows and shows off all of her bones and she looks like my grandma.
The pool- Enter Jose, the negotiator, who talks about getting to know each other more and they’ll all write about it /bitching about each other in the confessional. Paula talks about her emotional rollercoaster and being the “girl with issues.”
The couch of judgment- John and Paula are talking to each other again and being the adults that they should be. “Yeah don’t worry about it,” John says. Said like a true straight man.
Maybe South Beach wasn’t a good idea- Tyler complains that nobody can eat. Tyler talks about being judgmental about his body in the gay community. And then he says some bullshit about not wanting to be around gay people because of it. Tyler and Zach work out. Another happy gay-straight bonding moment.
Speaking of gay-straight bonding moments. We all knew that the second episode would focus on Paula’s episode, but the real treat is token gay Tyler getting to have a gay old time. Yay, Tyler is going to a gay bar and taking his roommates with him for a hopefully not-so-bumpy ride.
I spoke too soon. Slutlana talks about not wanting to go to a gay bar because she’s picturing really young boys hooking up with older men. And Slutlana whines like a little girl. First of all, not all the young men want to hang out with grandpas. They want to hang out with hot young men and flaunt that they don’t associate with bitches like Slutlana. Slutlana, you’re going to go to the gay bar and like it, bitch!
Slutlana talks about picturing young little boys and no one knows that they are being gay and Slutlana wants to shelter them. Based on her behavior so far, I think that the young boys need to be sheltered from Slutlana. Then Slutlana pictures her Dad at the bar with probably a lot of young boys who need to be protected from homosexuality so they don’t grow up to be fuck-ups like Tyler.
Finally Slutlana decides to go to the bar. I’m thinking it’s because she doesn’t want Janelle to look like the hottest fag hag on the scene.
Duval Street Drama- John wants to hang out at the gay bar because gay men hang out with hot women. Whatever bait works. At “Aqua,” which is the gayest gay club name in the gay universe, John finds himself dancing with female impersonators. Well, they are hot women. But after a period of surrealness, John and the other straight guys want to “do their own thing” with heteros again.
Tyler and Janelle want to go back to the gay bar. Tyler is miffed that Johnny McStraight feels like it’s so brave of him to go to the gay bar. John doesn’t want to go back to the gay bar and he is mad that Tyler doesn’t want to try a place that John has suggested. John’s place looks like a hole-in-the-wall, but Tyler could have at least drunken a few beers before venturing back to fabulous town. And now I’m thanking my friend Jed Chernabaeff in Visalia for teaching me how to drink beer.
The pool of whiny bitches- John and Tyler are fighting over the straight-gay bar issue. Tyler is wearing boxer briefs in the pool and we get a very nice close-up of his chest. John tells me that we are in the same shows and John reveals himself to be a homophobic prick. John talks about people like “different things.” Yea, you also like drag queens. I’d follow Tyler anywhere he wants to go.
Leave it to MamaJanelle to fix things. She connects with Tyler with feelings over going to the “black club” thing. Tyler reveals that his straight friends would never go to gay clubs. MamaJanelle knocks some sense into Tyler about John being brave and supportive to go to the gay club. “Just because I’m comfortable doesn’t mean that he is,” Tyler said. “I need to be more gracious to what he has extended to me.” Cue the “More You Know” music.
Back at the pool, Tyler and John reconcile and resolve their issues. Tyler is okay with a handshake but John grabs him in the biggest shirtless gay hug I’ve ever seen. Problem resolved. Now, Tyler and John can go back to feeding Paula.
I spoke too soon. Paula is taking diet pills. By the way, this show is brought to you by Hydroxycut, not that MTV is encouraging you(‘re fat) to take diet pills or anything, either. And coming up is 8th and Ocean, a show about models who look hotter than you.
That evening, Paula gets uber drunk. Then Zach and John wrap Paula into a carpet burrito and carry her out to the pool. Paula tells John that she will never be okay with eating. Paula is scared of being “pudgy, fat and lonely forever.” Paula says she wants to impress women. Um, hon, I don’t think that the lesbians dig the ‘walking stick” look, either. Paula will eat a hot dog but she won’t eat the bun. Then she licks the ketchup off the fork. It’s at least a start. Soon, we’ll see her open Gerber bottles.
But then John ruins everything when he asks Paula what she loves about herself and Paula starts hyperventilating again and balking about how awful she is again. Slutlana puts down the baby food and tries to cheer Paula up.
MamaJanelle is back at being the camp counselor. Paula was hoping that the eating issues were not going to be part of her because people are judging. Hello, then why are you ON this show?! The beach house is a booby trap.
Anyways, Paula is being her emotional self and it’s just so depressing to watch.
Paula: I feel ugly all the time.
Janelle: I don’t want you to feel ugly all the time. You’re a beautiful person
Paula: I just want to feel okay… with who I am. It’s just so hard.
Paula finally comes to the conclusion that she needs help. I’m happy for Paula but I’d like to whup John upside the head for being an ass throughout the show. Johnny McStraight makes all these stupid messes and poor MamaJanelle has to clean it up. Katrina doesn’t even have to come busting in to deal with the hurricanes that are taking place inside the house.
COMING UP…Slutlana needs to learn how to shut her trap.
Episode Two.
MamaJanelle saves the day.
Everyone has eating disorders.
$40 a Day in Key West…Looks like they picked up from yesterday. The cast, sans Paula, decides to go to breakfast, which reminds me about how much they can’t cook at all. They go out on the town and it looks like a cheap remake of $40 a Day. At a restaurant called “Blue Heaven,” Slutlana talks about not wanting last night to happen again and Tyler picks on her. Ugh, Tyler, wrong moment to be an ass. Then Slutlana talks about how Paula had problems with her dad and my pity for her pops again.
Paula is by herself and goes to the confessional and just starts crying. It’s really depressing to see her in so much pain. She talks about feeling out of control and she’s the oldest person in the house. Then she rows and shows off all of her bones and she looks like my grandma.
The pool- Enter Jose, the negotiator, who talks about getting to know each other more and they’ll all write about it /bitching about each other in the confessional. Paula talks about her emotional rollercoaster and being the “girl with issues.”
The couch of judgment- John and Paula are talking to each other again and being the adults that they should be. “Yeah don’t worry about it,” John says. Said like a true straight man.
Maybe South Beach wasn’t a good idea- Tyler complains that nobody can eat. Tyler talks about being judgmental about his body in the gay community. And then he says some bullshit about not wanting to be around gay people because of it. Tyler and Zach work out. Another happy gay-straight bonding moment.
Speaking of gay-straight bonding moments. We all knew that the second episode would focus on Paula’s episode, but the real treat is token gay Tyler getting to have a gay old time. Yay, Tyler is going to a gay bar and taking his roommates with him for a hopefully not-so-bumpy ride.
I spoke too soon. Slutlana talks about not wanting to go to a gay bar because she’s picturing really young boys hooking up with older men. And Slutlana whines like a little girl. First of all, not all the young men want to hang out with grandpas. They want to hang out with hot young men and flaunt that they don’t associate with bitches like Slutlana. Slutlana, you’re going to go to the gay bar and like it, bitch!
Slutlana talks about picturing young little boys and no one knows that they are being gay and Slutlana wants to shelter them. Based on her behavior so far, I think that the young boys need to be sheltered from Slutlana. Then Slutlana pictures her Dad at the bar with probably a lot of young boys who need to be protected from homosexuality so they don’t grow up to be fuck-ups like Tyler.
Finally Slutlana decides to go to the bar. I’m thinking it’s because she doesn’t want Janelle to look like the hottest fag hag on the scene.
Duval Street Drama- John wants to hang out at the gay bar because gay men hang out with hot women. Whatever bait works. At “Aqua,” which is the gayest gay club name in the gay universe, John finds himself dancing with female impersonators. Well, they are hot women. But after a period of surrealness, John and the other straight guys want to “do their own thing” with heteros again.
Tyler and Janelle want to go back to the gay bar. Tyler is miffed that Johnny McStraight feels like it’s so brave of him to go to the gay bar. John doesn’t want to go back to the gay bar and he is mad that Tyler doesn’t want to try a place that John has suggested. John’s place looks like a hole-in-the-wall, but Tyler could have at least drunken a few beers before venturing back to fabulous town. And now I’m thanking my friend Jed Chernabaeff in Visalia for teaching me how to drink beer.
The pool of whiny bitches- John and Tyler are fighting over the straight-gay bar issue. Tyler is wearing boxer briefs in the pool and we get a very nice close-up of his chest. John tells me that we are in the same shows and John reveals himself to be a homophobic prick. John talks about people like “different things.” Yea, you also like drag queens. I’d follow Tyler anywhere he wants to go.
Leave it to MamaJanelle to fix things. She connects with Tyler with feelings over going to the “black club” thing. Tyler reveals that his straight friends would never go to gay clubs. MamaJanelle knocks some sense into Tyler about John being brave and supportive to go to the gay club. “Just because I’m comfortable doesn’t mean that he is,” Tyler said. “I need to be more gracious to what he has extended to me.” Cue the “More You Know” music.
Back at the pool, Tyler and John reconcile and resolve their issues. Tyler is okay with a handshake but John grabs him in the biggest shirtless gay hug I’ve ever seen. Problem resolved. Now, Tyler and John can go back to feeding Paula.
I spoke too soon. Paula is taking diet pills. By the way, this show is brought to you by Hydroxycut, not that MTV is encouraging you(‘re fat) to take diet pills or anything, either. And coming up is 8th and Ocean, a show about models who look hotter than you.
That evening, Paula gets uber drunk. Then Zach and John wrap Paula into a carpet burrito and carry her out to the pool. Paula tells John that she will never be okay with eating. Paula is scared of being “pudgy, fat and lonely forever.” Paula says she wants to impress women. Um, hon, I don’t think that the lesbians dig the ‘walking stick” look, either. Paula will eat a hot dog but she won’t eat the bun. Then she licks the ketchup off the fork. It’s at least a start. Soon, we’ll see her open Gerber bottles.
But then John ruins everything when he asks Paula what she loves about herself and Paula starts hyperventilating again and balking about how awful she is again. Slutlana puts down the baby food and tries to cheer Paula up.
MamaJanelle is back at being the camp counselor. Paula was hoping that the eating issues were not going to be part of her because people are judging. Hello, then why are you ON this show?! The beach house is a booby trap.
Anyways, Paula is being her emotional self and it’s just so depressing to watch.
Paula: I feel ugly all the time.
Janelle: I don’t want you to feel ugly all the time. You’re a beautiful person
Paula: I just want to feel okay… with who I am. It’s just so hard.
Paula finally comes to the conclusion that she needs help. I’m happy for Paula but I’d like to whup John upside the head for being an ass throughout the show. Johnny McStraight makes all these stupid messes and poor MamaJanelle has to clean it up. Katrina doesn’t even have to come busting in to deal with the hurricanes that are taking place inside the house.
COMING UP…Slutlana needs to learn how to shut her trap.