[SJ Fic] How To Make Me Love You Unconditionally
How To Make Me Love You Unconditionally: Kyuhyun/Sungmin, ninja!Donghae/Kyuhyun (2115 words)
(1. Enter the dorm with a smile that doesn't reach your eyes.) It's just sixteen simple steps, with fifteen roads to heartbreak. Kyuhyun and Sungmin need their own K-drama. Seriously.
(now with a vietnamese translation!)
1.
In 2006, enter the dorm with a smile that doesn't reach your eyes. Pretend you're happy with the situation. Try to get up in the morning acting like your back doesn't ache from sleeping on the floor all night. Enter the studio and sing your heart out, but recede back inside yourself once the music stops. You live for the stage, and once you're on the stage, all eyes are on you. Like they always are.
2.
In 2007, make friends. Be happy. Get accustomed to this-- it's life after all. You can't change it. You're finally off the floor, and we share a room. It's awkward at first, but it gets better. An arm around each other's shoulders, it says volumes. Get comfortable, because we're going to be together for a long time. Ask me if I l've ever loved someone. When I stare at you for too long, pass it off as hesitation. I answer no, and you answer 'no'. My heart screams with joy, but I don't know why.
Time for the Sukira-- flinch when Hyukjae squeezes your shoulders. Rush out the door, but then rush back. Look frantically for your mp3 player, because you don't want to hear them talk. Borrow mine. Thank me and run outside. Return it back to me broken and tattered. Like your limbs and flesh. There's blood running through my veins, and there's blood splattered on your face. Everyone's hysteric, and all eyes are on you. Like they always are.
3.
In 2008, move your limbs and they flow freely. For once it's peaceful. Sometimes it's still awkward, but a different kind. Sing like your life depends on it, knowing you almost lost it. Change your goals and let selfishness blossom in your heart. The good kind though. Head to China with a new mindset. Bid me goodbye at the airport and ask me the question again. Have I ever loved someone? I repeat. No. When I ask you out of obligation. squeeze the handle of your suitcase, have a flair in your eyes, and say 'I will this time'. Your flights coming, everyone's hugging. I wish you good luck, for what I'm not sure.
4.
Come back with your hand in someone else's, it's just for support, or so you claim. Roll up your sleeves and show me the cuts. When I ask why, say you needed support. And you found support. With your 'boyfriend'. Tell me about him. Like you always do. One day stop being subtle, and one day be comfortable enough to kiss him during breakfast. Everyone's happy for you. Like they always are.
5.
In 2009, come back from a date, fold your turtle neck, and show me the red marks. Too much information right there, but ask me to help you hide them. It's closest I've ever come to you, delicately laying teabags on your love bites. My fingers graze your neck. Someone shivers, and I'm not sure who. When I'm applying pressure, ask me it again-- 'have you ever loved someone?' I get a small burst of courage and say maybe. Our lives teeter on their axis.
6.
Number one hit single, Asia's super stars. Sorry sorry sorry sorry, but it doesn't compare to the feeling of you flushed against me when you shouldn't be. Show me the scar on your stomach. It's not from the accident. Grab my hand and glide my fingers over it. Tell me you spent the last day before China throwing yourself onto the railroad at a pathetic attempt at suicide. When I ask you why, look at me with conflict in your eyes. And I remember. You don't need me. You have support. Support is your boyfriend who you tell me about every other day.
The next day at the airport it's the same old thing. And when the better maknae hugs me, and your support grabs you by the elbow, and my eyes are on you-- keep your eyes on me. Like they should be.
7.
In 2010, pretend I don't exist. Hurt my feelings, because I hurt yours. Too many people are missing, but continue on like nothings happened. It's a world of manufactured smiles and glory. A lifespan of five years and you're done. Calculate your life beyond this, I'm not a factor in your calculations. I pretend I don't care. Dance upfront, sing upfront, I don't care.
Tell me I'm being irrational. Look who's talking. One word. Two words. Complete breakdown. It's not working, because we never had anything to work with. Tell me that your supports gone. Make me feel like a rebound when we're in the janitor's closet. You sure know how to make a man feel classy. Come out with our hair mussed and our lips swollen. Hyukjae laughs like he knows everything when he doesn't. But on second thought, he probably does. The lights flash, the music is on, and when we're performing-- take centre stage. I force my eyes to not look at you. Except they wander towards you anyway. Like they always do.
8.
In 2011, prepare for China again. China. The country sparks inherent racism in me. Hyukjae laughs, but I'm being serious. When you find out I'm coming along, bite your lips. Your only escape from me gone-- and I laugh at your pain. It so happens that it's not China, but Taiwan. We share a dorm together, but we're never alone. Thank god. When I ask you what happened to finding love, just scoff-- 'it was good while it lasted'. I find it odd that your ex-boyfriend and you are on better terms than we are.
Promotions end-- it was pleasant. The trip did not revolve around you, like everyone expected it to. We avoid being left alone, and it's nice. But ruin it on the first night back in Seoul. When you're playing Starcraft, or emailing a girlfriend-- murmur in the dark: 'I think Henry might like me'. And when I retort that no one likes tactless geeks, scowl and go -- 'says someone whose liked me before'. Smirk when it shuts me up, and ask me the question. 'Have you ever been in love with someone?'. There's no use pretending, so I say yes. And when I ask you back-- say 'no' with the utmost sincerity. And make it obvious you mean it. I go back to sleep pretending your eyes are on me. Like I hoped they always were.
9.
In 2012, kiss the leader goodbye. On the cheek. It's painful to watch. Not because of you. But because it's the beginning of the end. We brush shoulders on the way back, it occurs to me that we're still not on good terms yet. But I shrug it off. I spend the year waiting for recognition, and find it on the stage. Theatrics have always been my specialty. Just like stealing the spotlight has always been yours. So there you are, going solo-- but the company assures us 'no favouritism' 'it's just temporary'. You're probably more popular than me now. But then again, you always were.
10.
In 2013, run away. Let the selfishness that blossomed five years ago make itself known. Don't renew your contract, find people who want to sign you up. Pack your bags before telling us one by one. Everyone feels betrayed, but no one blames you. At night shudder and cry that you aren't ready. I want to agree, but I know that you are. You've been ready since you stepped foot into the dorm with the smile that never reached your eyes. It still doesn't. But it's getting there.
11.
In 2014, appear on television. I watch from a military camp somewhere near the middle of nowhere. Never ever try and call me. Just sit in the middle of the stage, spotlight on you. And only you. Like it was always meant to be. Get questions thrown at you, and when someone asks 'do you regret it', don't even hesitate before answering 'no'. And smile. Your answer is honest and you mean it with all your heart. But the smile still doesn't reach your eyes. Like it never does.
12.
In 2015, visit us. Exchange a few words and awkward hugs. When we mention your enlistment next year, smile sheepishly. Because you're omitted. You aren't in good health. I make a comment like; 'If you can dance in the dancing line, you can crawl on all fours through the mud and dirt'. Donghae hits me on the back of the head and squeezes your hand. And when he says he's glad you'll be there when we come back, smile shyly at him. And squeeze his hand back. The flame isn't there anymore. But he's still your support. Like he always was.
13.
In 2016, don't watch my first stage back. Don't be part of the members who I can see wave at me from the audience. Ryeowook isn't there, and my heart sinks. He's probably crawling on all fours through the mud and dirt. The show ends, and I'm back at the dressing room. There's the press outside, but for whatever reason, I don't want to see them. (When did this be about me, and not about you?) When I exit through the back door into the alleyway behind, you're there, it's weird. There's something like a bouquet in your hands and I wonder if it's for me. I don't ask and just walk away, like you always did.
Catch up with me and walk side by side. The bouquet is almost limp in your grasp. Start conversation; 'my next album is due to come out'. For whatever reason it feels like a challenge. I tell you I'm getting married, and there's a slight pause in the night air. Ask me who. I say I don't care. After a few seconds I realise how pathetic it sounds, so I amend it with 'One of my costars-- and I do care. I care about her a lot'. But that's it. Respond by laughing and clutching your stomach tightly, letting the bouquet fall to the ground. Mock me with 'who'd like-- let alone marry-- a social outcast?'. Ouch. I refuse to take it, so instead of biting my tongue, I bite back. 'Says someone whose liked me before'. When I wait for you to snort and retort, don't. Instead blush and open your mouth slightly, before closing it again. It's awkward, but a different type.
When I ask you again after five years-- 'have you ever loved someone'-- bite your lip and answer 'yes'. There's a bitter feeling at the back of my mouth. And when I ask-- 'have you ever hurt them beyond repair?'-- hesitate. But look me in the eye and answer 'yes'. One word brings too much emotion. And when I punch you in the face-- fall backwards onto the concrete with a low hiss. Don't chase after me when I run away. Because it's not like you ever tried before.
14.
When my wife dies, come to the funeral. Try and comfort me when I'm a broken mess on the ground. But back away when Hyukjae holds me against his chest, and Leeteuk runs his fingers through my hair. Stand under the sycamore tree waiting. Waiting until the cemetery is empty and I'm the only one left. Capture my gaze in the rain. I can hear your breathing, it's shaky and unsure. Your hair is damp, and your suit reeks. But I probably look like more of a mess. We're shivering from the cold, and my face is numb from the torrential rain. Don't try and make conversation, don't try and approach me. I swallow my feelings and walk away-- because it's the same old thing, and the new year is tomorrow, and I have better things to do.
15.
In 2017, knock on my door. When I try to speak, hold me tightly and muffle whatever I was trying to say. Kiss me softly-- it's the first time in years. Dim the lights, lay me down gently. Make me feel loved, but don't ask for anything back. Because we both need this right now. Breathe heavily, and sob into my bare shoulder. Apologise. Over and over again. Make me scream and cry, kiss me again to make it better. Fall into slumber with your limbs tangled with mine.
Don't leave when I wake up in the morning. But instead ask for a coffee, glazed chocolate donuts, a croissant, and a PSP. Raise your arms when I try and hit you with a pillow. Cup my face when I calm down. Press our foreheads together. And when I pull you closer instead of pushing you away-- smile so it reaches your eyes. Like it never did before.
a/n: Oh my god. what am I doing with my life? I've realised that whenever I'm angsty, I go and write KyuMin. What can I say? I ship them way too hard, and like seeing them in pain too much. Usual disclaimers apply- written late at night, bad grammar, why do I try? Also, how confusing and disjointed is this writing style ;_; Why am I trying first person? Why is this so convoluted? Why did I think it was appropriate to post up. Anyway, for people who don't get it, here's a lame plot summary for you. Highlight the text.
Sungmin loves Kyuhyun, but he remains oblivious. Kyuhyun gets a boyfriend (who's Donghae by the way-- ha! I bet you all thought it was Zhou Mi. KyuHaeMin bias is too strong). One day when they're alone, Sungmin semi-confesses. Kyuhyun gets the hint, and they have a tryst. But Kyuhyun feels guilty and ends it. In 2010 Kyuhyun breaks up with Donghae and becomes bitchy. He and Sungmin have like an intense make-out session before one of their shows. They go to China, nothing happens, and it's all cool. But when they come back, they have a moment. A moment where basically Sungmin admits to liking Kyuhyun, and Kyuhyun says he doesn't like him back. Kyuhyun leaves the band and goes solo shortly before Sungmin's military service. A while after Sungmin returns, Kyuhyun goes to see him, and accidentally slips out that he may-or-may-not have loved him too. But alas, Sungmin is getting married. But he'd mad at Kyuhyun for making him suffer and stops talking to him. Sungmin's wife dies after a short while, and Sungmin is super depressed. On the day of the New Years Kyuhyun appears at his apartment, they make some sweet love. And all is good again.
p.s: What about Kyuhyun almost getting knifed in Spain man? Holy shit. Why is he even in Spain alone? Maybe he's with a girlfriend? Ooh la la. Where the heck did Sungmin and Ryeowook disappear to by the way?
images: weheartit, tumblr