Some were born to sing the blues...
Who knows. It’s Valentine’s Day - technically, as it is almost 4:00 in the morning - another factor - and I have been drinking, so I might as well spill it all out
There is a boy (how else would this story start?) who I fall more in love with every time I hang out with him. I have never, ever in my life felt this before, where I meet someone, hang out with them, and each time think: “this could be the man I marry.” Well, no, maybe that’s too extreme - perhaps more accurate is: “this could be the next person I fall in love with, the next person I spend a significant portion of my life in love with.” And it’s not just a one-sided thing - the connection between us is so fucking palpable I can taste it.
Which would all be well and good -
- except for the fact that he has a girlfriend.
Who he lives with.
As in, they moved to DC together after grad school and got an apartment together.
But here’s the thing - we’ve hung out a bunch, and never once, in all the time we’ve spent together, much of which is spent talking (great conversation - what a fucking turn-on…) - he has never once, never once, mentioned her, or even the fact of her existence. Even when we went out this evening, had dinner, saw a show, had drinks afterwards, and during the process I asked him if he had any exciting plans for Valentine’s Day, he was rather evasive and still, did not mention her. And the thing is - we’re friends on Facebook, she is all fucking over his page (in that he’s listed as in a relationship with her, most of the pictures of him are of them, practically every post on his wall mentions her too (“Oh, you and [gf] this and you and [gf] that and so nice to see you and [gf] and can’t wait to see you and [gf]”) - so he clearly knows I know, since he’s the one who friended me, so it would not be some surprise to me should he mention it. And I mention my exes all the time, particularly the most recent. He was a huge part of my life for a long time, so of course he’s going to come up in conversation, just in passing reference (“Oh, yeah, my ex and I went such-and-such place, my ex passed such-and-such music on to me,” etc.), so it’s not like the subject is taboo. And it is clear that they are a well-established couple, everyone thinks of them as a unit - so it seems very strange that he has never once mentioned her. I mean, you can’t freaking LIVE with someone and never have them enter your conversation - especially when there are no taboos to break - unless you’re deliberately avoiding the topic.
But nothing has happened - yes, there’s conversation, and prolonged eye contact, and extraneous “casual” physical contact, and texts immediately after we part ways telling me what an awesome time he had hanging out - but nothing definitive has happened, so I can’t confront him on the matter, because clearly there’s no groundwork for me to instigate the “me or her” conversation. And every time I hang out with him, and become utterly convinced there is some connection, I come home, and become equally utterly convinced that his girlfriend and he are practically married, from what I can tell, and that whatever connection there may be, there is absolutely no hope of anything coming of it.
And let me tell you, that is just really not a fun thing to go through over and over again.
But I’m not quite strong enough to never hang out with him again, because how often do you feel this? Once, maybe twice in your life - and it would seem like such a waste to just let him / make him disappear. And yet I am still completely sure - not just convinced, but sure - that nothing will / can ever come of it.
Boo. :(
But tomorrow I am having a Bitter and Single Valentine’s Day Extravaganza with some fellow bitter and single friends, and it promises to be exactly the catharsis I need get some of this out of my system.
And, of course, spilling your guts on the Internet always helps, too.
Anyhow, I should go to sleep, as to be well rested for the aforementioned Extravaganza! I hope you all have wonderful Valentine’s Days, whether you are buying into the commercialized holiday (nothing at all wrong with that!), deliberately dissenting, or making it suit your own purposes (I’m somewhere in between those last two, I suppose) - or if to you, it’s just another Saturday, well, then I hope you have a perfectly lovely Saturday!
There is a boy (how else would this story start?) who I fall more in love with every time I hang out with him. I have never, ever in my life felt this before, where I meet someone, hang out with them, and each time think: “this could be the man I marry.” Well, no, maybe that’s too extreme - perhaps more accurate is: “this could be the next person I fall in love with, the next person I spend a significant portion of my life in love with.” And it’s not just a one-sided thing - the connection between us is so fucking palpable I can taste it.
Which would all be well and good -
- except for the fact that he has a girlfriend.
Who he lives with.
As in, they moved to DC together after grad school and got an apartment together.
But here’s the thing - we’ve hung out a bunch, and never once, in all the time we’ve spent together, much of which is spent talking (great conversation - what a fucking turn-on…) - he has never once, never once, mentioned her, or even the fact of her existence. Even when we went out this evening, had dinner, saw a show, had drinks afterwards, and during the process I asked him if he had any exciting plans for Valentine’s Day, he was rather evasive and still, did not mention her. And the thing is - we’re friends on Facebook, she is all fucking over his page (in that he’s listed as in a relationship with her, most of the pictures of him are of them, practically every post on his wall mentions her too (“Oh, you and [gf] this and you and [gf] that and so nice to see you and [gf] and can’t wait to see you and [gf]”) - so he clearly knows I know, since he’s the one who friended me, so it would not be some surprise to me should he mention it. And I mention my exes all the time, particularly the most recent. He was a huge part of my life for a long time, so of course he’s going to come up in conversation, just in passing reference (“Oh, yeah, my ex and I went such-and-such place, my ex passed such-and-such music on to me,” etc.), so it’s not like the subject is taboo. And it is clear that they are a well-established couple, everyone thinks of them as a unit - so it seems very strange that he has never once mentioned her. I mean, you can’t freaking LIVE with someone and never have them enter your conversation - especially when there are no taboos to break - unless you’re deliberately avoiding the topic.
But nothing has happened - yes, there’s conversation, and prolonged eye contact, and extraneous “casual” physical contact, and texts immediately after we part ways telling me what an awesome time he had hanging out - but nothing definitive has happened, so I can’t confront him on the matter, because clearly there’s no groundwork for me to instigate the “me or her” conversation. And every time I hang out with him, and become utterly convinced there is some connection, I come home, and become equally utterly convinced that his girlfriend and he are practically married, from what I can tell, and that whatever connection there may be, there is absolutely no hope of anything coming of it.
And let me tell you, that is just really not a fun thing to go through over and over again.
But I’m not quite strong enough to never hang out with him again, because how often do you feel this? Once, maybe twice in your life - and it would seem like such a waste to just let him / make him disappear. And yet I am still completely sure - not just convinced, but sure - that nothing will / can ever come of it.
Boo. :(
But tomorrow I am having a Bitter and Single Valentine’s Day Extravaganza with some fellow bitter and single friends, and it promises to be exactly the catharsis I need get some of this out of my system.
And, of course, spilling your guts on the Internet always helps, too.
Anyhow, I should go to sleep, as to be well rested for the aforementioned Extravaganza! I hope you all have wonderful Valentine’s Days, whether you are buying into the commercialized holiday (nothing at all wrong with that!), deliberately dissenting, or making it suit your own purposes (I’m somewhere in between those last two, I suppose) - or if to you, it’s just another Saturday, well, then I hope you have a perfectly lovely Saturday!