Identity Language = "being a victim"

[alchemia]

I'm familiar with explaining why I say "Autistic" and find "Person with Autism" offensive (eg: http://www.cafemom.com/journals/read/436505 or akin to Deaf not Person with deafness)... but more in a general sense (eg: writing an article or blog post to readers in general).

How

Comments

[conuly]

Do you want to get into a conversation with this hypothetical person, or do you want them to shut up?

[alchemia]

Good question.. uhm, both? Lol.

Some background:

This happened in context of the hobby of small animal pet breeding. I'm fairly well known in the community for my genetics knowledge. This person met me locally to get some breeding stock, and request mentoring. As usual in such cases, I warned them about my being autistic, what it basically meant for communication, and that we both had to keep that in mind and be open/honest to avoid miscommunication (or correct them if they happened). Weeks later, they moved out of state, and we stayed in touch on facebook. I' uploaded an anonified screencap of the whole of our conversations since then (There were some people I wanted to read the whole thing - to verify I did not miss something earlier on, with them getting angrier as I remained oblivious. I've been told this was not the case. The files are here http://www.rodentfancy.com/temp_imgs/E+A-001-Original-Anonified-1.jpg and 2nd part here: http://www.rodentfancy.com/temp_imgs/E+A-001-Original-Anonified-2.jpg if you want to check

Continued (2nd part) (Main quote triggering the OP)

[alchemia]

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20 February
20/02/2015 17:24
ANONYMOUS

Hi Alan.
We had talked about shipping rats. I have no updates, and no clear expectations. I'm kind of frustrated with the lack of communication. I realize things are rough for you. I think perhaps it's too much to ask.

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28 February
28/02/2015 03:59
ANONYMOUS

I'm sorry. It is true, I have had a lot going on- although I don't discuss much of it here; and even if things were going well otherwise, I have never been good at social interactions- knowing what is expected of me without being told, and sometimes needing reminding- It does not come naturally to me.

FWIW- I had it written on the notecards on the cages of pairings to contact you for certain varieties-but the crosses I put together for you have not produced anything that IMHO was worth reporting. EG: I had a velveteen give me all standard coated babies; I've a Silver Russian Dumbo whose hasn't given me a single baby- I've changed the male she is living with, but still waiting, might switch bucks

Continued part 3

[alchemia]

Discussing with a few close people, we think it might have to do with issues in the greater community of breeders. Recently another well-known breeder died at a young age. This breeder and I had been on good terms for a long time; we had exchanged breeding animals and genetic knowledge... until something came between us. (A long story I don't think matters here, but I will sum up if you think it does). This is upsetting because I had hoped we'd make up, and now that is not possible. I don't think anyone in the community understands that- they all had these threads that they 'grieved' in (even if I had been on good terms with her, I've no clue how to express grief online or how to respond to it (esp being an atheist; almost everyone talks in terms of an afterlife etc, which I don't get at all

[nickykaa]

It helps to not give a fuck what other people think.

Also helps to recognize that a person making such a claim doesn’t actually care about how you identify, they’re just playing a social one-upmanship game. In cases like that, I find it best to put them off-balance by responding to their bullshit with brief, polite questions that make them have to think and make them have to do a whole lot more talking/writing until they wear themselves out. A good question to start with in this case might be, “Interesting. A victim of what, exactly?”

[alchemia]

years ago maybe, but I couldn't poke at a person like that now

[ertla]

I like this.

Agree about it being a game of social one-upmanship of one kind or another. Just didn't have a way to deal with the behaviour other than avoiding the person.

Another alternative is that the person might be trying to feel good about themselves by "helping" the "poor little autistic". I got a lot of really poisonous "help" at various times in my life, and much of it was probably clue-deficit-disorder plus self-image-as-a-helping-caring-person rather than e.g. semi-intentional attempts to grind down my competence and self esteem or attempts to raise their status relative to mine.

[wuvvumsoc]

I really see it as nothing more than posturing. Just tell them you are autistic, you call yourself autistic, and that's that. I really hate getting lectured by neurotypicals who think we shouldn't call ourselves autistic.

[catsidhe]

Autism isn't something I suffer from. Not knowing I am autistic was something I suffered from.

Autism gives me an identity, and a way of explaining and describing my differences. Without the label of Autism, those differences don't go away. But without that label, what's left is a gnawing sense that something is wrong, and that I can't follow a conversation or stand being in a crowd or remember spoken instructions because I am fundamentally a broken excuse for a person. None of the benefits or strengths count for anything, because no-one cares how beautiful a thing is in parts, if it's "broken". I know this because that's how I spent most of my life. Then I got a diagnosis, and a label, and stopped being a victim. With that label, with that identity, I'm no longer "broken", I'm different, and my abilities are allowed to exist.

[tigerbright]

Thank you for this -- people ask me if it's worth getting a diagnosis as an adult, and now I have a clearly-articulated answer for them. (As an ally rather than an autistic person, I didn't have one.)

[ertla]

Slight caution on that one - finding out about the autistic spectrum (as an adult) was great, for similar reasons, once I got over being distressed that I'd never be normal/acceptable/OK in the eyes of large chunks of society. But I figured that a diagnosis would simply produce stigma - especially once it got into the hands of the health insurance bureaucracy.

In other words, I think it's a tradeoff.

[alchemia]

Absolutely! I always tried as a kid but I kept failing because the general advice they gave me before I was properly diagnosed (and advice people still give me when they either don't know my diagnosis, or don't believe etc) because that advice didn't address the actual underlying problems caused by autism. Having a proper diagnosis is in itself important just to know there is a reason for all this stuff. And it helps me understand the cause/effect and how I can try to address that. The people who have known me a long time- family, lifelong friends and even therapists/doctors I've had for decades have all pointed out how much progress I've made

[old_cutter_john]

I've read through everything posted so far. Here's some feedback, with little attempt to make it coherent.

I read your screencaps, but the Facebook links don't work for me, probably because your Facebook security is set tighter than you realize. I expect that your Facebook posts are equally inaccessible to everyone here who's not also a Facebook friend of yours. (I doubt that it's worth the trouble of trying to make them accessible.)

nickykaa's advice is excellent for the problem as you originally stated it, but the problem as you originally stated it isn't the problem you actually have, as revealed in your multipart response to conuly's question. nickykaa's first two sentences, though, are still excellent advice, as is the entirety of what pklemica wrote. I agree with what the others wrote too, but they were writing from the assumption that autistic activism was the primary focus of your interaction with whomever, and it wasn't