"Do you even go here?" "No, I just have a lot of feelings."
I broke down tonight. I can see now that it was inevitable. Here's why:
[[Bonus points to whoever correctly places the movie quote in the subject line first.]]
My workload for school has been nearly unbearable, but worse than that, my ability to focus on said work has been non-existent. To the point where I'm considering going to the doctor. I might have adult ADD, and I'm not completely joking. The worst part is that I'm a good student, so I somehow manage to get things done, but it just means night after night of little-to-no sleep. So I'm stressed and exhausted pretty much all the time.
Yesterday at 3 a.m., my roommate got a call informing her that her 13 year-old nephew passed away. This was tragic and totally unexpected. Her nephew was living with her parents because his mother (roommate's sister) has some big issues that negatively affect her ability to parent. He has lived with them for more than one substantial period of his life, meaning that he is more like a younger brother to my roommate than a nephew. So late Saturday night, her nephew was taking a shower. When he didn't get out after 15-20 minutes, my roomie's father went to check on him and found him dead. They called 911 and her dad tried to resuscitate him to no avail. He was taken to the ER and pronounced dead. No one knows what went wrong. And on top of it all, my roommate's family is really quite messed up. So now she's not only dealing with her nephew's death, but also with going back east to her mother and sister arguing and pointing fingers of blame and fighting for the reins with funeral arrangements. I can't imagine what she's going through, but I know that I would be an absolute wreck if any of my nephews or my niece died. The whole thing is surreal.
This week is Thanksgiving. I'm happy for the few days off of school, but it will be my first Thanksgiving without my family. My partner and I have each other, of course, and her brother is coming down from Seattle. And we're having some friends over, but it won't be the same. It just won't. And if the stuffing and sweet potato casserole don't turn out like my dad's, I will cry.
On top of this, my ten year high school reunion is this coming weekend. Again, will not be back east for Thanksgiving, so will not be able to attend either the official reunion or the unofficial one at the bar down the street.
I spoke to my parents and one of my brothers on the phone this evening. We talked about my roommate's nephew (roomie and I grew up right around the corner from each other, so our parents are neighbors), discussed accomodations for when my partner and I go home for Christmas, I asked for some money to pay my car insurance. (Because one is never too old to take $ from her parents) But when my dad said, "Are you okay? You don't sound very happy right now," I just lost it. I squeaked out, "I'm just stressed," and rushed through good-byes and I love yous and woke up my girlfriend, who had fallen asleep on the couch.
And scared the shit out of her because I just cried and cried and she didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. But I couldn't stop. I was thinking about my roommate and what happened to her nephew. I was thinking about my family and how much I love and miss them. I was thinking about friends from high school that I never see who will be at the reunion. I was thinking about how stressed and tired I am and how I just want to sleep. And suddenly, the 2,700 miles between here and home seemed like 27,000 miles and I just didn't want to do it anymore.
Am I feeling better now? Yeah, of course, but there's a lingering sadness in my heart as I long for the closeness of my family and familiar faces of home friends, though I would never want to see them under my roommate's circumstances. I just hope this feeling doesn't last too long because it's really bringing me down.
32 days....