I'm sick
I go through winds of feeling strong and feeling dead. It doesn't help that my immune system has been down so far that I've managed to catch some awful sickness. Cold-like symptoms always seem to mimic something else more serious like pneumonia.
I wanted this time to work on myself... but I don't know what to work on. I like everything about me. And I feel like I can't truly be myself while standing in this grey area. I'm torn between being devoted and being myself. He is being so strong and is really proving himself for me, and I feel like I'm dragging behind.
Not to mention, I called out the past two days. I'm so horrible at faking how I feel. I ESPECIALLY HATE when people question how I'm doing, that everything will be okay, explain that they're there to talk if i need it... and despite how much i love the people I work with (with the exception of.. many..) this is just one thing I could not bare to be around the day after Taylor and I broke things off... nor for the next couple of weeks.
I can be incredibly emotional, overtly melodramatic, and desperately weak... but I have had to learn to grow up quicker than most and have learned to manage my stress better than others. I can manage. I have managed for two years, this is just another bump in the road.
I don't know how long it's going to take me to come around. I hate feeling like I may be promoting false hopes. I know eventually we will belong together, but right now the only person I should be worrying for, adjusting for, sacrificing for... should be ME.
But I love him more than words could ever explain. There was never a doubt that I didn't. But he needs to grow as do I. Faith will bring us back together at the cross-roads.
I just really miss him. That's all. 4 years is a really long fucking time. I just hope that there will be a future for us that will live longer. We are meant to be.